2011 started off with high hopes for our family! We found out new years day our family will grow by one! Sadly after long weeks of testing, tears and prayers we found out that we were miscarrying. The miscarriage happened quick, and although physically painful we learned many lessons in the first month of the year and its not even over!
We are not sure if we will be able to have any more children, and we were not even supposed to have Gabe, but he is here! He beat the odds and he is thriving. We have hopes that someday (sooner than later) we will be honored with having the blessing of conceiving a child, carrying that baby to term, and loving and cherishing that sweet infant forever. Its taken me a long time to get the courage to write this blog. It may seem dry, but I have had some time to process this. I am devastated to say the least that this has happened again. I miscarried in Feb of 2009 as well.
Today is also my anniversary. 5 years ago I was in my senior year at high school, I wasn't sure where my life was headed. I wanted to go to Eastern, I was accepted but wasn't sure that's what I was supposed to do with my life at that time. I had just gotten out of a long serious relationship with a boy who ruled my life. I didn't want that again. I wanted to focus on me for awhile.... Until that boy at work caught my eye... He had me hooked... We started talking and sooner than later I was head over heals in love with him. He was home to me. After high school I started nannying for one of my teachers and friend. I also was still working at Dairy Queen decorating cakes, something that I love to do. I was at a friends one night and found out I was pregnant. I was unsure of how to feel. I was over the moon, I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY! But then there was the downfall, we were not married, we didn't have money, we had no clue where our lives were going, and we had very different believes... but we had love and each other.
At 6 weeks along I started having complications, I was told I was miscarrying our little baby... I couldn't even wrap my head around it... They sent us home telling us it will happen within the next 3 days and to just do nothing but stay in bed........ Those were some of the longest 3 days I had experienced yet.. But Gary was by my side.. No matter what he was there holding me while I wept.
Things progressed along just fine, it was a miracle I didnt miscarry. The odds were against us. And then it happened. I went into labor at 24 weeks. There was no stopping it. When Gary arrived he did not leave my side until I made him go be with our baby. He held my hand, he prayed for us, he loved me at my weakest moment. I remember being in labor, looking up at him and seeing the worry and love in his eyes. I have never loved him more then in that very moment.
The next year we brought our beautiful baby boy home. We were able to become a family. That year was a trying time for us. We faced the ups and downs of many doctors appointments, we lived with his parents, we faced the challenges of being absolutely broke. But our love carried us through that year. We had each other and thats all we need then.
Our next year we decided it would be good for me to go to work full time. It was a hard thing to do but we managed. Gary decided to attend culinary school in Scottsdale. I was very hesitant but went with it. We got there and couldn't manage so we came home. This was the start of the unraveling of our marriage. We both went back to work and simply just lived together at this point. We had different interests and didn't seem to have the same goals and values anymore. I was loving life back home and Garys heart was a million miles away.
In 2009 we were sealed in the temple. I had hoped that would bring us closer together. It did in different ways but we ere still focused on other things going on in our lives. 2009 was a long year. Not too long after we were sealed I found out I was pregnant. Before I was able to get into the doctor I woke up one morning and had the miscarriage. I was a stone after that. I focused the majority of my time just on spending time with Gabe. Deep down I knew he might be my only child. I did not want to go back to work, so Gary worked even more. He later in the year got a new job. Good bye line cook at sterlings, hello car sales man at McCurley!
I was back in school and doing greAt (can't wait till we can afford for me to go back and finish). My brother got married that year. What an amazing thing to be apart of.
That fall I felt like a single parent. Gary worked long hours and was distant. Gave however was doing amazing. He was growing, and learning, and living life. We planned a Disneyland trip for his 3rd birthday. It was our very first vacation as a family. And oh boy was that amazing Gary and o fell in love all over again. We had the tome of our lives.
Andrea, Clinton and Bailey came up for Christmas. On Christmas eve they announced they were expecting baby number 2. I was torn up. I was so excited and happy for them, but I wanted a baby. I longed to have one, I wanted to be pregnant. experience the ups and downs of pregnancy. I wanted to carry a baby to term. I wanted to have a chunky healthy baby. But 2009 didn't give that to our family.
2010 started off a way that no year should. Gary came to me and told me of all the things he had done. About his infidelity, about the baby he had with another woman, about his heartache. I was speechless. It took me a long tome to forgive him, and honestly I still am. But
We have come a long way. It's been a rough journey. 2011 has already taught us to lean on each other, and we are.
I love you Gary, it's been a long bumpy 5 years but I am thankful for our challenges and learning experiences. I am glad your the one I have by my side always.
Thank you all for the ones who have known about this miscarriage and have been praying for our family. We have felt them and cannot express enough gratitude for them.
Sorry also if there is typos! Did this post on my iPhone :)
