Fic: Dean vs. Good Intentions
Title: Dean vs. Good Intentions
Author:
thinlizzy2
Rating: R
Length: 878
Warnings: CRACK! Also references to sexual activity and some really bad actual advice taken from actual published sources.
Summary: From this prompt at the d_hearts_c fest:
Cas thinks that Valentine's Day traditions are the epitome of human courtship rituals and thus uses them as his guidelines to seduce Dean.
Will Dean survive? Will the staff at Cosmo?
Thanks to both deadlyfallen and sailorhathor for the beta work!
Dear Divine Magazine:
I was intrigued by your article suggesting I use the week preceding Valentine's Day to, as you put it, "show my guy what he means to me every day until the big night."
This will be my first time celebrating this particular festive occasion with my "guy", and I have been at a loss for how to proceed. Since you are clearly experts in this field, I appreciate your advice, which I will surely follow.
Sincerely yours,
Castiel (Grateful Angel of the Lord)
Dear Divine Magazine:
I am writing to let you know that you might want to reconsider your advice to send flowers or chocolates to one's significant other at work as a means of celebrating Valentine's Day.
As per your tip, I ordered two dozen long-stemmed red roses to be delivered to Dean (my "guy"). This unfortunately resulted in a Wendigo-related concussion for the florist's delivery man. Dean's brother did tell me the Wendigo was much easier to kill than it would normally have been, as it was rendered prostrate with laughter shortly after the arrival of the flowers. However, Dean was still very upset and has made me promise to never ever again accept guidance from your magazine no matter what, or else no sex for a week.
Therefore, I will be foregoing the naughty text message and the surprise picnic and looking elsewhere for ideas on how to proceed.
Sincerely,
Castiel (AotL)
Dear: Victoria's Secret:
I have a question regarding your suggestion that I should "make" my partner "love Valentine's Day."
I'm putting a considerable amount of effort into doing that, but wearing feathered lingerie and playing with a daisy did not work nearly as well as your website video implied it would.
As for other methods of forcing Dean to enjoy this holiday, unfortunately he has expressly forbidden me from employing supernatural means to affect his thoughts and preferences. There was... an incident, during a period when I had just discovered Disney Princesses.
So mind control is not an option. Can you advise me as to other methods of persuasion?
Yours,
Castiel
To Glamour Magazine:
I am writing to you to suggest you remove "Have a Pyjamas Only Day" from your list of ways to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Dean and I had engaged in intercourse the night before I attempted to enforce the pyjamas rule, and he very much wanted to take a shower the next morning. He was very irate when I informed him he was not allowed to remove his sleep wear in order to wash, and only became more perturbed when he discovered he was not permitted to wear daytime-appropriate clothing in order to go out and procure food.
Speaking of food, it might also be advisable to include a caveat to your "Eat With Your Fingers" pointer, stating that this might not be a good idea if all you have in your motel room refrigerator is canned sardines. The results of this experiment were more messy than sexy and only added to Dean's annoyance at not being able to shower.
I hope you will consider these issues in the future and dispense more practical advice.
-Castiel
Attn: the team at 1001waystoberomantic.com:
I really think you ought to be more careful in the advice you give.
As you suggested, I wrote my lover a sexy love letter and slipped it into the book he was reading at the time, Exorcism for Dummies. As a result, there is now a ghost haunting my boyfriend's boxer shorts. Every time I try to get so much as a finger underneath the waistband, it becomes extremely agitated. As you may well be aware, when ghosts are in a state of stress, they tend to dig their tendrils into the nearest available surface. Needless to say, this has been somewhat upsetting for Dean, as well as extremely inconvenient for me.
I highly recommend you amend your list as soon as possible. Or I might come to your office and take care of the issue for you.
-A disappointed reader who has the power to smite you.*
"This is not a threat at this moment in time, but is perhaps something you should consider when publishing future writings.
To the evil sadists at Cosmo magazine:
Tell me, when you suggested tugging on a man's "treasure trail" for some playful stimulation, did it not occur to you at all that some of your readers might happen to have angelic strength? In the moment of passion, it is very difficult to control such things. I tried to employ your suggestion, and ended up with a fistful of loose pubic hair and a man shrieking in agony.
Furthermore, did you not stop to think for even one moment to warn people not to use this technique on a man whose genitalia were already somewhat inflamed and sore due to irritable ghost activity? It would have taken one very short sentence to offer such a caution, and you just couldn't be bothered. What disrespect for the varied lifestyles of your readers!
I will be cancelling my subscription immediately.
And possibly smiting you.
-One extremely annoyed and vengeful angel
Dear Editors and Writers of Boys and Toys Magazine:
Many, many thanks.
Love Dean Winchester
Author:
thinlizzy2Rating: R
Length: 878
Warnings: CRACK! Also references to sexual activity and some really bad actual advice taken from actual published sources.
Summary: From this prompt at the d_hearts_c fest:
Cas thinks that Valentine's Day traditions are the epitome of human courtship rituals and thus uses them as his guidelines to seduce Dean.
Will Dean survive? Will the staff at Cosmo?
Thanks to both deadlyfallen and sailorhathor for the beta work!
Dear Divine Magazine:
I was intrigued by your article suggesting I use the week preceding Valentine's Day to, as you put it, "show my guy what he means to me every day until the big night."
This will be my first time celebrating this particular festive occasion with my "guy", and I have been at a loss for how to proceed. Since you are clearly experts in this field, I appreciate your advice, which I will surely follow.
Sincerely yours,
Castiel (Grateful Angel of the Lord)
Dear Divine Magazine:
I am writing to let you know that you might want to reconsider your advice to send flowers or chocolates to one's significant other at work as a means of celebrating Valentine's Day.
As per your tip, I ordered two dozen long-stemmed red roses to be delivered to Dean (my "guy"). This unfortunately resulted in a Wendigo-related concussion for the florist's delivery man. Dean's brother did tell me the Wendigo was much easier to kill than it would normally have been, as it was rendered prostrate with laughter shortly after the arrival of the flowers. However, Dean was still very upset and has made me promise to never ever again accept guidance from your magazine no matter what, or else no sex for a week.
Therefore, I will be foregoing the naughty text message and the surprise picnic and looking elsewhere for ideas on how to proceed.
Sincerely,
Castiel (AotL)
Dear: Victoria's Secret:
I have a question regarding your suggestion that I should "make" my partner "love Valentine's Day."
I'm putting a considerable amount of effort into doing that, but wearing feathered lingerie and playing with a daisy did not work nearly as well as your website video implied it would.
As for other methods of forcing Dean to enjoy this holiday, unfortunately he has expressly forbidden me from employing supernatural means to affect his thoughts and preferences. There was... an incident, during a period when I had just discovered Disney Princesses.
So mind control is not an option. Can you advise me as to other methods of persuasion?
Yours,
Castiel
To Glamour Magazine:
I am writing to you to suggest you remove "Have a Pyjamas Only Day" from your list of ways to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Dean and I had engaged in intercourse the night before I attempted to enforce the pyjamas rule, and he very much wanted to take a shower the next morning. He was very irate when I informed him he was not allowed to remove his sleep wear in order to wash, and only became more perturbed when he discovered he was not permitted to wear daytime-appropriate clothing in order to go out and procure food.
Speaking of food, it might also be advisable to include a caveat to your "Eat With Your Fingers" pointer, stating that this might not be a good idea if all you have in your motel room refrigerator is canned sardines. The results of this experiment were more messy than sexy and only added to Dean's annoyance at not being able to shower.
I hope you will consider these issues in the future and dispense more practical advice.
-Castiel
Attn: the team at 1001waystoberomantic.com:
I really think you ought to be more careful in the advice you give.
As you suggested, I wrote my lover a sexy love letter and slipped it into the book he was reading at the time, Exorcism for Dummies. As a result, there is now a ghost haunting my boyfriend's boxer shorts. Every time I try to get so much as a finger underneath the waistband, it becomes extremely agitated. As you may well be aware, when ghosts are in a state of stress, they tend to dig their tendrils into the nearest available surface. Needless to say, this has been somewhat upsetting for Dean, as well as extremely inconvenient for me.
I highly recommend you amend your list as soon as possible. Or I might come to your office and take care of the issue for you.
-A disappointed reader who has the power to smite you.*
"This is not a threat at this moment in time, but is perhaps something you should consider when publishing future writings.
To the evil sadists at Cosmo magazine:
Tell me, when you suggested tugging on a man's "treasure trail" for some playful stimulation, did it not occur to you at all that some of your readers might happen to have angelic strength? In the moment of passion, it is very difficult to control such things. I tried to employ your suggestion, and ended up with a fistful of loose pubic hair and a man shrieking in agony.
Furthermore, did you not stop to think for even one moment to warn people not to use this technique on a man whose genitalia were already somewhat inflamed and sore due to irritable ghost activity? It would have taken one very short sentence to offer such a caution, and you just couldn't be bothered. What disrespect for the varied lifestyles of your readers!
I will be cancelling my subscription immediately.
And possibly smiting you.
-One extremely annoyed and vengeful angel
Dear Editors and Writers of Boys and Toys Magazine:
Many, many thanks.
Love Dean Winchester
