Fic: Finding Heaven (Girl!Dean/Girl!Castiel)
Title: Finding Heaven
Author:
thinlizzy2
Pairings: Girl!Dean/Girl!Castiel, Sam/Ruby, past Dean/Jo, past Castiel/Meg, hint of Sam/Gabriel
Rating:: R
Word Count: 10250
Warnings: Homophobia, including internalized homophobia
Summary: Deanna is an out-and-proud singer trying to make ends meet. Castiel is a star with a secret.
Author’s Notes: Written for the
bigbang_mixup. My inspiration, a great mix called Loving Yourself (mixed by solara1357, is here.
http://www.mediafire.com/?fdml0k6ns892e
Sam Winchester was obviously trying very hard not to piss off his sister by looking at his watch for the thousandth time since they started practicing. Which was, of course, really pissing Deanna off.
She tried not to show it though. After all, she had told Sam that they’d be finished by six at the latest. And it wasn’t entirely his fault that they sounded like crap.
Sighing, she unplugged her guitar. “I guess we might as well call it a day.”
“You sure?” Deanna loved her brother all the more for the fact that he was obviously trying not to look too eager.
“Yeah, it’s cool. Go call Ruby. But remember that we’re playing at Ellen’s tomorrow, so if you can make it an early night that would be great.
Sam nodded gratefully and slipped away to make the call. Deanna reminded herself that she was making an honest attempt to not hate Sam’s girlfriend and should therefore not be indulging in the kind of petty thoughts that were currently crowding into her head. Still, it was difficult. People like Ruby just set Deanna’s teeth on edge.
Okay, she was useful. As a music journalist, she’d given Sam and Deanna a few good reviews, although she tended to relegate Deanna to the background a bit more than she thought was strictly necessary. But Ruby seemed to get a real kick out of trashing musicians. If someone had an off-show or even just goofed up a bit she took a weird kind of pride in being the first took to mock them for it. Local performers dreaded her and even some of their friends had gone a bit lukewarm on Sam since he’d started seeing her. Deanna was incredibly relieved when she overheard Sam agree to meet her in the city. At least she wouldn’t have to
deal with Ruby in person tonight.
And time alone gave her a chance to indulge in her private little secret.
As soon as she heard Sam’s Charger start up, she headed for her bedroom and pulled the CD out from under the mattress. She knew it was stupid to hide it, but with all her talk about hating this kind of music, it wasn’t worth the teasing from her brother if he ever saw it. And she did hate it; it was pre-packaged crap that dressed up closed-minded religious preaching in pretty, catchy tunes. She’d felt dirty even buying it, but the picture on the cover had made it absolutely irresistible.
Most of the band - the Angels - were about as bland-looking as it was possible to be. But the singer, standing in the middle and staring into the camera with unbelievably blue eyes, took Deanna’s breath away every time she looked at her. The woman, who Deanna had learned had the improbable name of Castiel, had starred in every dirty fantasy Deanna had indulged in ever seeing the CD in the shop.
She slid the CD out of its case and into the stereo. Immediately, Castiel’s husky voice filled the room. It was such a weird match, that angelic face singing about praising the Lord in that deep, sexy purr. The contrast was hot as hell. Just for a few minutes, she was able to forget about her problems with Sam’ girlfriend or about the fact that they’d need to either miraculously get two more bookings for this month of sell some of their stuff to make rent. She didn’t even worry that they were no closer to having a big break than they had been four years ago when she’d tried to soften the blow of Sam’s having to leave Stanford with promises that if they went pro they’d be huge stars overnight. She just shut her eyes and listened, pretending that she had a beautiful dark-haired girl to sing just for her.
*
Castiel bit her lip and then mentally chided herself for it. Zachariah would scold her if her lips got chapped again; it showed in photos. But her manager clearly had more important things on his mind at the moment.
“She’s just not working out. I don’t especially care what she believes in her own head, but this is a Christian rock band. I’ve warned her about what she can and can’t say to magazines and she’s clearly not capable of listening. So she’s out.”
“But she’s my sister”, Castiel protested weakly. The truth was, she knew Anna was a problem, but she was still family. “I’ve been singing with her ever since I started performing.”
“It’s not up for debate”, Zachariah snapped. “I’m just letting you know how things are going to be. What I need to know is whether you plan to ruin your own career by going after her or if you’ve got the good sense to let this go gracefully.”
Castiel hung her head. Anna wasn’t just her sister, she was far and away her favorite sibling. But she couldn’t just walk out on her brothers; she was the public face of the band and they needed her. That was one of the things that had kept her from leaving herself, months ago. “I’ll stay.”
“Excellent.” Zachariah rubbed his hands together. “That’s done then. Oh, and by the way, I had to send another payment to that little mistake of yours. Exactly how many photos did you let her take?”
Castiel flushed. She’d been so stupid, as Zachariah never missed a chance to remind her. But Meg had been so exciting, a gorgeous wild photographer who had - for a painfully short time - made her believe that there might just be life outside of the little box she lived in. But then things had gone horribly wrong, and Castiel learned just how Meg could afford her gorgeous flat and decadent lifestyle without sacrificing her so-called artistic principles. “I’m really sorry.”
“Well, what’s done is done. You can make it up to me. I’ve already got a girl in mind to replace Anna, at least for recording, but I don’t want to waste my time if the two of you aren’t going to be able to work together. So you can come listen to her warbling away tomorrow night and see if you think she’ll do.”
Castiel nodded. “Can I come with you to tell Anna?” If she was there, Zachariah might be slightly less brutal. Or maybe she’d be able to convince him to give her sister a second chance.”
“I’m not going to see her; I’ll just call her now. And on that note, give me your phone. You’ve got an interview tomorrow and I’m not having your eyes get all puffy and red because the two of you needed a good little sob session. The laptop too.”
Castiel could have protested. She could have declared that she had every right to comfort her sister on the very night she learned she was being kicked out of the family band. But she’d gone head to head with Zachariah often enough to know it would accomplish nothing; he’d still get exactly what he wanted. So she blinked back tears as she handed over the devices he asked for.
Zachariah rolled his eyes. “Did I not just say no crying? Go to bed, Castiel. I’ll have someone pick you up at seven.”
Castiel crawled into bed and tried to convince herself that crying herself to sleep was an act of brave defiance.
**
Deanna had felt at home on the Roadhouse stage ever since she was a little girl, and tonight was no different. A lot of the crowd were regulars who had been coming to hear her and Sam play since the old days when their father had been alive and still performing with them. They were a supportive audience and so the Winchesters chatted them up a bit, tossed in some silly stuff they were still working on and were generally feeling great when the time came to take their break.
She gratefully accepted a cold beer from Jo, taking a long gulp and then pressing the cold bottle against her sweating neck. She pulled her shirt loose and fanned herself. “Hot in here tonight.”
Jo laughed. “Tease. Are you good to go back on in about 20 minutes?”
“No problem. We could probably due with a couple more waters though.” Deanna watched her leave. She was glad that her breakup with Jo had been amicable enough that she could still enjoy the view without guilt.
Jo returned with the bottles. “Hey, take a look at the couple of the back booth. Isn’t she somebody?”
Deanna looked and nearly choked. She worked in music and she knew musicians were just people, but seeing Castiel, whose voice and image she’d brought herself off quite nicely to the night before was a shocker. “Holy shit!”
“She is, isn’t she?”
“That’s Castiel, from the Angels.” Deanna still couldn’t believe it. “I don’t know who the guy is.”
“You listen to the Angels?” Jo gaped at him. “Dee, you know what they’re all singing about, right?”
“I don’t listen to them”, Deanna blushed. It wasn’t like the Angels music was overtly homophobic, but the underlying message was clear. “I just recognize her, that’s all. I mean, her picture’s been everywhere lately.”
“Whatever.” Jo turned and stared. “I wonder what she’s doing here. Should I go ask?”
Deanna watched the man sitting beside Castiel put a possessive hand on her arm and leaned in to whisper something in her ear. She told herself it was stupid to be disappointed; she’d never even met the other woman. “Nah, she’s clearly on a date with her daddy-issues at the moment.”
Jo snorted. “Ah, romance. Anyway, I’d better take some orders. Let me know if you need anything else.”
She had barely left before Sam returned from the restroom and slid onto her vacated stool. “Good crowd tonight, huh?”
“Hmmm.” The older guy was talking animatedly now, as Castiel nodded. Was it Deanna’s imagination, or did she look uncomfortable?
“Who’re you looking at?” Deanna dropped her eyes but it was too late. Sam was already looking at Castiel’s table. “New crush?”
“Yeah. I’m all hot for his aged ass.” Luckily, Sam didn’t seem to have recognized Castiel.
“Shut up! You should go over there. She’s pretty.”
Deanna poked her brother in the ribs. “You shouldn’t even notice stuff like that. You’ve got a girlfriend.”
“Yeah, but you-”
“I’ve got a vibrator. I’m good.”
Sam laughed. “Please. Have you even been on a date since Jo? Why not just go and say hello?”
“She’s with a man! Look, if it makes you feel better I promise I’ll pick up a groupie and have meaningless sex in the back of the car tonight. Is that good?”
“So long as you give me cab fare.”
Deanna chuckled. “Too good to walk now? Come on, Sasquatch. We’re back on.”
***
Castiel’s stomach knotted up as soon as Zachariah pulled into the parking lot of the roadhouse. She’d been here before, with Meg, and got kicked out once her ersatz girlfriend had picked a fight with the bartender. There was a chance they wouldn’t let her in at all, and she didn’t need another reason for Zachariah to be pissed off with her.
But there was a younger woman serving that night, a pretty blonde girl that Castiel couldn’t help checking out for a split second before she caught herself. As Zachariah always said, Meg had been a lesson she was meant to learn. She couldn’t have her life with her family and their music and have that too. So she fought the urge to ask for the girl’s name and just ordered a mineral water.
“So who’s this girl we’re looking at?” Castiel asked as she sipped.
“Her name’s Deanna Winchester. She plays with her brother.”
The name didn’t ring any bells. “So, what does she sing? Where does she play?”
Zachariah shrugged. “Here, for the most part. A couple of other places that are interchangeable with this. As for what she sings, considering that I’ve seen her three times and she’s been wearing the exact same thing every time, I imagine she’ll sing whatever we want her to.”
Castiel stifled a sigh. It didn’t sound like this would be anything worthwhile. More likely, this whole evening was some kind of power trip Zachariah was on, and he would drag her to see dozens of other unsuitable singers just to prove he owned her time. Still, there was nothing she could do so she gritted her teeth and vowed to just get through it.
Her sour mood lasted through the lights going down and Sam Winchester taking the stage. And then everything changed.
Deanna Winchester was breathtaking. Castiel would swear she had never seen a face like that in her life. The perfect cheekbones, the ridiculously green eyes - it was as if the girl had been designed specifically to attract her. And just when she was convinced things couldn’t possibly get any better, Deanna started to sing.
Castiel sat, spellbound, through the first set. When the musicians took their breaks, she inhaled sharply and turned to her manager.
“We’re having her.”
Zachariah cocked an eyebrow. “My dear, I don’t especially care what you do with her, so long as you don’t photograph it this time. As for the band though, I’m not sure. Now that I’m seeing her with you right here, I’m thinking it might not work out after all. Maybe we should keep looking.”
Castiel cursed herself. If she’d pretended to be reluctant, there was a real chance Zachariah would have tried to force Deanna on her. But she wasn’t going to back down. It wasn’t just how the girl looked; she had a voice like a bell, clear and pure and strong. Castiel knew they’d sound incredible together.
So she fixed her manager with the steadiest look she could manage. “Zachariah. We’re. Having. Her.”
Something must have warned him she was serious. To her surprise, he dropped her gaze. “Fine then. I’ll take you back to the house and then I’ll come back here. I should be able to catch her before she leaves.
She was stunned to have won so quickly but distressed by his request. “But-” She wanted to see the rest of the show and she desperately wanted to meet Deanna herself.
“Castiel”, Zachariah obviously wasn’t going to give her two victories in one night. “Do you have some kind of degree in entertainment law that I’m unaware of? No? Then I don’t need you to negotiate a contract for me.” He gave her a little shove, nothing too hard. “Now move.”
****
Deanna was more nervous than she wanted to admit. She’d downplayed this whole audition when she’d told Sam about it; after all, it was just for one CD and probably only back-up singing. Now that the time had come, she hoped he wouldn’t notice her hands shaking.
Zachariah rolled his eyes when he met her at the door. “I told you I was interested in hearing you; I don’t need your brother.”
“No... he’s just here for, you know, moral support.” Nice to know her first impression that this guy was a massive asshole seemed to be accurate. Deanna liked being able to trust her instincts.
Zachariah looked ready to make another snarky remark, but then someone spoke from behind him. “Zachariah? Is that her?”
Zachariah stepped aside with a surprising deference and a dark-haired man stepped forward. He appraised Deanna with a frank stare and she felt herself blushing. After what felt like a very long time, he stuck out his hand. “I’m Michael.”
“Deanna.” She shook his hand; he gripped much too tight. “This is my brother, Sam. Is it okay if he sits in?”
Michael turned that same intense gaze on Sam. After his curt nod, the two Winchesters followed him and Zachariah into the studio.
Introductions to the rest of the band were perfunctory. Uriel, a giant to rival Sam, just nodded as he was tuning his bass. Gabriel, as small as his brother was large, merely waved as he chatted on his cell phone. Balthazar looked surprisingly hung-over for a member of a Christian rock band; he barely lifted his head from the table. But where was-
“Hello, Deanna.”
Whoa.
It was one thing to see someone in a picture or across a crowded room; it was another thing entirely to come face to face with them. Deanna’s breath caught and she felt her cheeks heating up.
“I loved your show last night. You’ve got a beautiful voice.”
“You too. I listen to your last CD all the time.” From the corner of her eye, Deanna saw Sam giving her a weird look, but it was too late.
She’d never sung this kind of music before, but the drawn-out notes and gospel-inspired rhythms that the Angels favored suited her voice surprisingly well. Michael and Uriel tapped their feet as she sang and whatever Sam was whispering to Gabriel was making the smaller nam nod enthusiastically. Even Balthazar’s bleary eyes took on an approving cast. Only Zachariah still seemed unimpressed as Castiel handed over the sheet music for their duet.
As soon as they started to sing together, Deanna knew she had this job.
She’d never harmonized this easily with anyone. Her voice and Castiel’s blended in a way that she knew from experience usually took musicians months of intense practice to achieve. The contrast between their voices was exquisite; Deanna’s honeyed southern tones mixed with Castiel’s huskier alto in a way that would be frankly erotic if they were singing anything besides church music. When they trailed off at the end, a long silence was finally broken by Michael ordering Zachariah to get the contract.
*****
Castiel was thrilled. She’d never sung that well in her life; more than that, she’d never had such a good time just singing. And that was without any practice or preparation; imagine what they’d be able to do once they’d had time to rehearse! She returned Deanna’s delighted smile and couldn’t help reaching out to squeeze the other girl’s hand.
Zachariah returned with the contract and Deanna’s brother rose to his feet. “Let me take a look at those.”
“You’re her manager too?” Castiel figured Zachariah must have been hoping to represent Deanna himself after such a stellar performance.
“I did a couple of years of law school.” Sam read through the first two pages without comment. He looked up in the middle of the third. “What’s this? Morality clause?”
“We need to protect our image. She doesn’t have any secret babies hidden away, does she? Or a boyfriend in prison?”
Something silent but potent passed between the Winchester siblings then. Castiel didn’t understand it until a long moment later when Deanna piped up. “Nope. No babies and no convict boyfriends. I’m a lesbian.”
Castiel knees buckle as a rush of terrifying images flooded her mind. She’d had to pray for hours to avoid fantasizing about Deanna after her performance at the Roadhouse, and now it seemed like all that effort was for nothing. That one honest declaration had undone all of it.
“Well then”, Castiel realized dimly that Uriel was speaking. “It looks like this won’t work out. Thanks for coming in though, and good luck.”
“Wait!” Castiel could not let Deanna just walk away. “Guys, please. What does it matter?”
“What does it matter?” Michael scoffed. “Tell me, Castiel, do you remember reading the Bible at all. Do you remember what it says?”
“Not to mention what our fanbase would say”, Gabriel muttered under his breath.
“How about what we say?” Castiel demanded. “Hate the sin but love the sinner - that’s right there in our lyrics!” She shot Deanna a look of silent apology but got an angry glare in return.
“I’m not a sinner.”
“I just meant...” This was all going horribly wrong. “We’re all sinners, really. Aren’t we?”
Balthazar sidled over. “Let it go, Cassy”, he breathed in her ear. She shook her head at the one brother who knew her secret.
She darted away from him, ignoring his hurt look. Desperately, she grabbed Deanna’s shoulder. “Please. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Excuse me.” Sam was still seated calmly, looking at the paperwork. “I just thought I’d point out that refusing to employ Deanna based on her sexual orientation is a violation of a pretty important law and would leave you open to a lawsuit.”
Zachariah was usually extremely sensitive to threats of any kind of litigation, but he coolly assessed Sam’s tattered jeans and wash-worn t-shirt with a sneer. “Please. You couldn’t afford to sue us.”
“Oh.” Sam piped up again. “And I’m dating Ruby Jones.”
The mood in the room changed palpably. Zachariah’s swallow was audible. “The columnist Ruby Jones?”
“The one and only.” Deanna’s brother was clearly enjoying this. He whipped about his cell and tossed it to Zachariah. “Look, she’s on my contact list. So all I have to do is make a single phone call, and you’re all over the papers. If you feel like ending up in the middle of a giant media debate, that’s your business. But it seems to me that it would be easier to just let Deanna do her job. That is, Deanna, if you still want it.” His voice softened. “I’d totally understand if you didn’t.”
Deanna looked back at Castiel. Castiel realized she still had her hand on the other girl’s shoulder and dropped it with a gasp. She stared at the floor; she didn’t need to look at Zachariah to know he must be glaring at her.
Deanna was no doubt talking to her brother, but Castiel still felt like the words were directed right at her.
“Oh, I want it.”
******
Assholes must never be allowed to win.
Deanna’s father had told her that years ago, when she’d first come out to him. He’d begun by telling her that he still loved her in exactly that same way he always had, but that there were people in the world that were going to hate her now. And then he’d stressed that, no matter what, she couldn’t give in to them. So she never had.
But she wondered if John Winchester had fully realized how damn uncomfortable it was it walk into a room full of people who clearly loathed her, and then have to make beautiful music with them.
Zachariah was openly unpleasant, never missing an opportunity to put her down. Out of the Angels themselves, Michael and Uriel were by far the worst, banding together and whispering whenever she was near. Gabriel just treated her like some sort of mildly entertaining curiousity and Balthazar acted like he was one hundred percent certain that Deanna had learned to sing and got herself this job just for the sole purpose of corrupting his little sister.
And the thing was, Deanna would have loved to corrupt her.
She knew this Castiel... thing was pointless. The woman was such a good little church-goer that the very idea of letting someone see her fun parts without a ring on her finger and vows of everlasting tedium was probably horrifying to her. One day she had picked up one of Deanna’s magazines - nothing pornographic, just reviews of gay friendly movies and local clubs and stuff - and had turned scarlet once she realized what she was reading. Deanna had once glanced, just for a second, at the tempting V-neck of Castiel’s sweater, and she’d been wearing turtlenecks ever since.
So yeah, Deanna was wasting her time.
It was just hard to remember that sometimes.
One of the reasons she’d always preferred to sing with her family was that she needed to like the people she made music with. Singing, to Deanna, was a personal act; she felt vulnerable every time she opened her mouth and needed the support and comfort of a band she trusted in order to really do her best. With that in mind, singing with the Angels should have reduced her to a dull monotone.
But when she sang with Castiel, it was magic. Every single time. It didn’t matter that her brothers were no doubt glaring at her over their instruments or that Castiel was bound to disappear under Balthazar’s arm as soon as they were finished. Once the music started, she and Castiel looked into each other’s eyes and all the bullshit faded away into nothing. Even after they finished, there were times when they’d just stand there staring at each other until someone actively distracted them. Adding to that, Castiel had no concept whatsoever of personal space. She’d come and sit ridiculously close to Deanna, not doing or saying anything but just being there. It was equal parts wonderful and frustrating.
Still, Castiel was the closest thing Deanna had to a friend in the Angels, so she considered herself justified in her anger the night she heard Castiel’s quiet sobs mixing with Zachariah’s trademark abuse. It was late and she was tired, but Zachariah had been riding her own ass all day and had seemed highly annoyed when Deanna had managed to just shrug him off. The thought of him taking that anger out on Castiel made Deanna’s insides clench. So she pulled open to door to Zachariah’s office and glared at him.
“You need to go be a dickhed somewhere else for a bit. Balthazar’s piss-drunk.” Deanna figured it would take him some time to find Balthazar, and even then there was at least a 50% chance she was inadvertently telling the truth.
Zachariah cursed and stormed out. Deanna fumbled in her pockets for a tissue, offering it awkwardly to Castiel. “Here.”
“Thanks.” Castiel sat on the edge of Zachariah’s desk, dabbing at her eyes. “Where’s Balthazar? I should probably find him before Zachariah does.”
“He’ll be fine.” Deanna perched next to Castiel on the desk. “Why do you take that shit from him anyway?”
Castiel looked away. “I didn’t hire him; Michael did. He takes care of the business stuff. And he says Zachariah’s the best.”
“But does he know how he talks to you? He’s not like that with any of the others.”
Castiel just shrugged. “It’s been like that for a while. He hates me.”
“You’re the sin now?”
“What? Oh...” Deanna had meant to make her laugh, not embarrass her. “About that...”
“Look.” Deanna held up a hand to stop her. “Do you hate me?”
“Not at all.”
“Do you hate gay people?”
“...No.”
“Then we’re cool. We don’t need to have this whole chick-flick talk when you’re upset.”
Castiel snuffled a bit and offered Deanna the tissue back. She chuckled. “Keep it.”
She rested her head on Deanna’s shoulder and it was impossible to keep from putting an arm around her.
“I think you’re brave.” The words were slightly muffled by Deanna’s t-shirt, but she was sure she’d understood them.
“What? Why?”
Castiel lifted her head and their eyes met. There it was - the undeniable spark of chemistry between them. “What you said when you were signing your contract. You knew he’d be angry; you knew everyone there would judge you. But you just went and did it anyway.”
“Yeah... well.” Shit, she was way too close.
“I wish I could do that.”
Deanna started. “Cas?”
Castiel leaned in closer until there was nowhere left for her to go. Deanna felt the slightest pressure, like a warm solid breath on her mouth and then Castiel was gone, slipping off the desk and out the door with a mumbled apology. Deanna stared after her, one hand stroking her own mouth.
“I wish you could too.”
*******
Castiel paced around her bedroom, teetering on the edge between laughing and crying. What had she just done?
Well, to be perfectly honest she knew exactly what she’d done. She’d kissed Deanna. And she would like very much to do that again.
She couldn’t though; she knew that much. The last time she’d let herself do what she wanted, she’d barely gotten out with her career and her family intact. Still, it was so damn hard to remembered that at all moments of every day. So just for tonight, she decided to let herself indulge in ridiculously cliched fantasies. Scampering over the the window, she imagined Deanna returning to throw pebbles at her window.
When she heard the knocking on the door, she wondered if she’d somehow summoned Deanna back. Her face fell when she saw that it was only Balthazar.
“You’re traipsing about, Cas.” He was well past drunk. Even if she hadn’t been able to smell it, the slurring was usually a clear giveaway. “You traipse very loudly, especially when you’re all worked up about something. Think of poor little me, with the bedroom right under yours, won’t you? Traipser.”
She caught him just before he hit the floor. “Balthazar?” She dragged him over to the bed. “Crap, you’re heavy.” She recoiled from his breath. “Ugh. I really should get Zachariah, you know.” It was an empty threat and they both knew it. She tugged a quilt up over him. “You’re disgusting.”
“I already saw Zachariah. He gave me the shit for drinking. I hadn’t been but I figured, hey, if I’m already in trouble over it...” He grabbed at the hem of her blouse and pulled her down to sit next to him. “So I was trying to figure out why our new little songbird might be trying to get me detention and then I heard you traipse. So I took the dots and I connected them up all nicely and now I’m wondering when you stopped confiding in me. Anything else I don’t know?”
Castiel let him rest his head against her leg and sadly stroked his hair. Even through the haze of alcohol, her brother could be incredibly intuitive. “Nothing happened.”
“Hmm? Can’t say as I believe you.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re aren’t going to remember this tomorrow.”
“Probably not”, Balthazar agreed cheerfully. “So you might as well confide away. “ He reached up and petted her cheek. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you smiling like you’ve been doing at practice the last little while.” He poked her in the side and she yelped. “Come on, Cassy. Tell.”
Castiel laughed, giving in. “It was only one kiss.”
“Seriously? This much traipsing over one kiss? You must really like her.”
Her laughter was deeper this time. “Maybe I’m just improving my traipsing technique. Balthazar... you know-”
“I won’t tell.”
She knew he wouldn’t. For all his flaws, and Balthazar was brimming with them, he loved her. That was why she still had a home and a family.
She slid under the comforter and curled up next to him. It would be best to just sleep like this; then she could get him cleaned up in the morning before anyone else saw him.
“Do you ever think about just leaving?”
His response was so long in coming that she nearly nodded off waiting. “I’d be dead in a week if you did.”
“You could come with me...”
This time there was no reply.
********
Deanna turned up for practice an absolute nervous wreck. And it was beginning to look like that was going to be the high point of the day.
It had taken her forever to fall asleep that night. She was far from inexperienced; for her, one little kiss was normally nothing to get worked up about. But she knew it was likely to mean something to Castiel, which made Deanna feel differently about it too. She had no idea what to expect at practice so spent the walk to the studio preparing for everything from an newly liberated sex kitten to a massively embarrassed virgin.
The one thing she hadn’t anticipated was that Castiel might be entirely absent.
“She’s got food poisoning”, Uriel explained. “Balthazar too.”
“If you consider liquor to be food”, Gabriel put in.
Michael shot his brother a deadly glare. “We’re cancelling today. Sorry, but you’ll still get paid.”
Normally a day off with pay would have been cause for celebration, but Deanna was damned if she was going to spend another day trying to work out whether she had a new girlfriend, a horrific work situation or both. Plus, it wasn’t the first time Balthazar had missed practice because of an enthusiastic night-before and Castiel had never joined him. Deanna knew she was being avoided and that bugged her.
“Can I use your bathroom before I go?” she asked. She needed into that house.
Castiel’s brothers looked uncomfortable, but Deanna crossed her legs and squirmed. “It’s an emergency!”
She was already halfway down the hallway when she realized she couldn’t possibly go up to Castiel’s room; there was no justifiable reason for her to be upstairs. So she took a detour towards the room Zachariah had co-opted as an office. After all, she had found Castiel there yesterday.
The room was empty.
Deanna was about to leave when Zachariah’s laptop gave a chirp. Deanna paused - so the computer was active? She knew it was wrong, but Zachariah was a first class bastard. If she could find some kind of scat porn or something equally embarrassing, then she might have something to hold over his head the next time he wanted to turn her or Castiel into his verbal punching bag.
Most of it was just boring business stuff that Deanna barely scanned. But halfway through the photos list was a file titled mm_castiel. Deanna’s curious nature got the better of her and she clicked it.
Holy shit!
Castiel, cupping her chest, staring into the camera with an expression that was somehow both wanton and shy.
Castiel with her her eyes clenched shut but her legs wide open, the scared-schoolgirl face making the glistening pussy look even more obscene.
Castiel with two fingers buried deep inside herself, the look of pleasure on her face so intense that Deanna could practically hear her crying out.
But the cry she heard sounded anything but pleasurable.
Deanna spun around to see Castiel staring at her with a stricken expression. She jumped guiltily aside as the other woman stalked past her and grabbed the laptop. Helpless she watched Castiel crumple as she took in the images.
“Fuck, fuck fuck!” More pornographic pictures scrolled past at lightening speed. “He’s not supposed to still have these; he told me he was deleting them all.”
“Why did you let him take them?” Deanna could barely believe that this buttoned-up woman was the same person as the one in the pictures.
“He didn’t - it was someone else. Dammit!” Castiel slammed her hand down on the desk. “I can’t delete them; he’s got some kind of password!” She let out a ragged sob. “Deanna, what am I going to do?”
Deanna yanked the plug out of the wall and dropped the computer in Castiel’s arms. “Got a dumpster out back?”
Castiel shook her head. “He’s probably got all our contracts on that, records of all our meetings... I can’t do that.”
Fair point. Deanna bit her lip. “Get your coat.”
They had to climb out the window; they couldn’t take the chance of running into any of Castiel’s brothers or Zachariah himself. Castiel kept silent as Deanna drove, waiting until they were turning into Deanna’s driveway to finally ask “What now?”
Deanna shrugged. “You hold it hostage. Tell him he can have it back when he gives you the password and delete everything before you return it. If there’s important stuff on there he’ll have to give in pretty quick, right?”
“But what if he tells my brothers why I took it?” Castiel wiped away a tear. “Deanna, he could wreck everything.”
“They don’t know?” Deanna couldn’t imagine keeping anything like this from Sam. Hell, he’d be the one helping her with damage control.”
“Balthazar does. He doesn’t care about sex stuff. I think Gabriel might suspect... something; we’ve never talked about it though. He doesn’t know anything about the photos. And Michael and Uriel? No - nothing. They can’t find out, Deanna. They’ll never forgive me!”
“Shit.” Deanna just meant to give Castiel a comforting hug, but the other woman turned suddenly and Deanna found herself with her lips pressed to the side of Castiel’s mouth. She went with it. “Come inside”, she whispered against Castiel’s cheek.” “We’ll work something out.”
**********
Castiel’s head was throbbing as she followed Deanna into the house, but the warm and cozy room relaxed her a bit in spite of herself. The sagging furniture and scuffed floorboards gave off a comforting air of hominess, and she wondered just why she and her brothers kept their own home so sterile-looking.
She flinched a bit when Deanna carelessly tossed the laptop onto the sofa and headed for the stairs. The other woman must have sensed her panic. “Look, it’s fine. Sam’s not going to look at it. Hell, he can probably help us the work out the password to delete things if Zachariah doesn’t give it up.”
“But-”
“We don’t go looking through other people’s shit, I promise.”
“You did”, Castiel pointed out. Deanna gave that quiet chuckle of hers and Castiel found herself unwinding just a fraction more. She couldn’t help it; she really liked that laugh.
“Yeah, well. Sam’s better than me. Seriously, there’s nothing to worry about. Come on - you need to clean up and the washroom’s upstairs.
It was off Deanna’s bedroom. Castiel looked at herself in the cracked mirror and wondered if the implied seven years of bad luck had somehow rubbed off on her. She’d forced Zachariah’s hand and landed herself in the worst position imaginable. She was in possibly the worst trouble she’d ever been in; the wonderful woman waiting outside should be the last thing on her mind at the moment.
Nonetheless...
Deanna was stretched out on the bed when Castiel emerged. She’d taken two beers out of her mini-fridge and was making good headway with one of them. She gestured to the other one with her chin. “It’s for you.”
Castiel picked up up tentatively. “I don’t normally drink.”
Deanna snorted. “Cas, nothing about today is normal.”
True enough. Castiel took a sip and winced at the bitter taste. “Listen, I know you don’t owe me anything.”
Deanna waved her hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not going to say anything.”
Castiel settled at the edge of the bed. She took another sip of her beer; this one went down more easily. Maybe beer wasn’t that bad. “How did your brother take it, when you told him that you’re gay?”
“Same as the rest of my family. He said ‘okay.’”
“That’s it?” Castiel couldn’t believe it.
“There was some talking about not letting bastards get me down and the reminders that just because no one was going to get me pregnant didn’t mean I should just forget about safe sex but yeah. Mostly just ‘okay.’” Deanna leaned forward. “Cas, you do know that’s how it should be, right?”
Castiel felt the tears welling up again. “It doesn’t have a whole lot to do with how things should be. Meg should have been a decent person. My sister should still be welcome in our home. Zachariah should be looking out for my interests. None of that’s happening and the world’s not ending, so clearly what should be doesn’t matter much.”
“Hey, hey, hey!” Deanna crawled forward and grabbed Castiel’s sleeve, pulling her down until they were lying side by side. “It’s okay. I promise you - it’s going to be okay.”
There was absolutely no way Deanna could keep that promise; Castiel knew that. Still, she appreciated it - and Deanna’s comforting embrace - more than she could say.
“You want to talk about it?”
Castiel did, but she had no idea where to start. So she just let her thoughts escape in the order they came, beginning with her lack of knowledge about where in the world her parents were and seguing into her fear of Zachariah, her frustration at the way most of her brothers kept her at arms length, her terror over what was going to happen to Anna and Balthazar, and her doubts about God in general and her church in particular before finishing up with her colossal disappointment over Meg.
“I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her. Even when things were good, I knew it was all going to turn out to be a huge mistake. But I couldn’t end it. She made me feel so good, Deanna. She made me so happy.”
“No she didn’t.”
At some point in her monologue, Deanna had begun stroking Castiel’s hair. The sudden jerk of Castiel’s head knocked Deanna’s hand to her shoulder. “She did.”
“I’ve seen the pictures, Cas. You looked miserable. Hot as hell, if you’ll pardon the expression, but scared or embarrassed or whatever. You weren’t smiling in a single one.”
Castiel laughed nervously. “Well... it was sex, you know? Who smiles during sex?”
Deanna stared at her. “Seriously? If you do it right, everyone smiles!”
Castiel drew a deep breath. “I don’t believe you.” She hoped desperately that Deanna caught the hint.
Apparently, she was in luck. Deanna studied her face intently and then leaned in. Castiel felt a feather-light brush against her lips. She could barely hear Deanna’s whisper. “Smile.”
Hardly believing her daring, Castiel shook her head. “Not happy enough.”
Deanna laughed a bit, close enough that Castiel could feel the exhaled puff of her breath. the next kiss was deeper and richer, with a scrape of teeth that made Castiel open her mouth for Deanna’s adventurous tongue. “Smile!”
Castiel had to bite her own lip to hold it back, but she just managed to resist. “Uh-uh.”
Deanna pulled away and Castiel’s heart pounded in terror that she had already overplayed her meagre hand. Then Deanna grinned wickedly, a wolfish smile that that made Castiel’s pussy clench with longing. “I love a challenge.”
And so it went. Castiel allowed herself a small smile as Deanna licked at her breasts, knowing that she wouldn’t be seen. She even let a small spurt of laughter escape when her lips closed around Deanna’s clit and the other woman shouted out loud with pleasure; she figured Deanna would be too distracted to notice. But when they were face to face again, Deanna’s fingers mapping out the inside of Castiel’s body like she wanted to memorize it forever, the teasing turned to tenderness. Deanna’s free hand stroked Castiel’s cheek as Castiel gasped and writhed against her.
“Come on, Cas. Smile. For me? Come on.”
And Castiel tossed back her head and let her face be consumed by this most unlikely joy she had found.
***********
“You’re sure you don’t want me to come in?”
“Deanna. Stop it.”
Deanna knew it was probably far too early in this relationship for her to kick off the overprotective girlfriend routine, but Castiel had to be terrified. And no matter how much she claimed that she could do this, that she not only wanted but needed to confront Zachariah by herself, there was still the fact that they had been sitting in Castiel’s driveway for nearly half and hour, and she’d yet to reach for the car door.
“He’s not going to kill me, right? I mean, the worst he can do is yell. And out me to everyone I know. And get me kicked out of the only home I’ve ever - this is probably not a very healthy train of thought, huh?”
Deanna tightened her grip on Castiel’s hands. “He won’t kill you. Worst case scenario, he flips out. You call me and I come back here, then we go to my place and have make-it-better sex all day. Really, the only way out is up!”
Castiel laughed. “Well, if he does kill me, I’ve got say that was one pretty fantastic last night on Earth.” She exhaled slowly and set her face in an expression of resolve. “Okay, here I go.”
One last kiss for Deanna, and then she was striding quickly towards the house. Deanna wanted to follow her, to stand beside her in support, but she had to trust Castiel to do this on her own if that was what she wanted.
So she drove to the grocery store instead and tried to focus her mind on shopping. Aside from her own usual cold cuts and Sam’s ridiculous curly-lettuce salad she picked up a fresh batch of the banana muffins she’d noticed Castiel had enjoyed that morning. The other woman hadn’t seemed overly fond of Deanna’s beers, so she took a bottle of red wine. On a whim, she grabbed a bottle of white as well: she liked the idea of using the some of her salary from the Angels to help Castiel get all debauched.
Her phone still hadn’t made a noise by the time she pulled up at home, and she resisted the urge to call Castiel herself. For all she knew, she was right in the middle of a good heart-to-heart with her brothers,in which they’d celebrate having given Zachariah his walking papers by actually behaving like a proper family. Deanna snorted to herself. Yeah, right. She was giving it five more minutes and then she was going to make that damn phone call.
She was humming to herself as she unlocked the door, a song she and Castiel has sung together for the first time just a few days ago. It was a pretty little ballad and Deanna liked it, but the notes died in her mouth as she entered the kitchen and took in the scene at her own kitchen table.
The room was dark; she’d neglected to pull back the curtains that morning. So the face of Ruby Jones was illuminated mostly by the glowing screen of Zachariah’s laptop. Deanna didn’t need to see the screen to know what Ruby was looking at; the reporter’s practically demonic grin made it clear she’d found both Castiel’s pictures and the huge story she’d always wanted to break.
************
Castiel sat with both the Winchester siblings on the battered old living room carpet. Both Deanna and her brother looked as exhausted as Castiel felt and they were no closer to coming up with a solution than they had been six hours ago. She rubbed at her eyes; they felt like they had been washed in salt-water and dried with sandpaper. “Okay. I give up.”
Deanna began to protest, but Sam merely groaned. “Yeah. Look, I know I’ve said it a million times already, but I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what Ruby would do.” Despite the misery of the situation, Castiel found she really liked Deanna’s brother. He’d done all he could persuade his now ex-girlfriend not to go public with the photographs, and when that had failed he’d calmed his sister down and helped them both to brainstorm ways of minimizing the damage. Nonetheless, his guilt-stricken expression indicated that he was still holding himself personally responsible for what had happened.
“She’s right.” Deanna sounded raw with exhaustion. “It’s my fault. I knew what was on that computer; I have no idea what I was thinking. Cas, I’m so -”
Castiel held up a hand to silence her. “I knew what was on the computer too, remember? And I was the one who willingly posed for the pictures in the first place.” She dropped her face into her hands. “But there’s no point in arguing about who’s to blame now. There’s nothing we can do.”
It was all too true. Maybe Zachariah would have been willing to pay Ruby to keep the photos under wraps once, although it was anyone’s guess how much money that would take. But Castiel’s defiance earlier in the day had effectively burned that bridge to cinders. Balthazar was the only other person Castiel could think of who might want to protect her, and he didn’t have any more resources than she did. No matter which way they approached the crisis, there just didn’t seem to be a solution.
“Tell me what you need”, Deanna insisted. “I’ll do anything I can.”
“Sleep.” Castiel’s voice was so ragged she barely recognized it herself. “I need to go to sleep.”
It was in the quiet of Deanna’s room that she finally let herself break down. “I just can’t believe I was so stupid twice. What’s it going to take for me to work out that I don’t get to have something like this? I can’t believe...” She whirled around on Deanna. “Everyone’s going to know. Everybody I’ve ever met. Everyone who’s ever bought one of my records. “My brothers - oh God - what are Michael and Uriel going to say?”
“Cas...” Deanna put a comforting hand on her shoulder, but Castiel didn’t want to be consoled. “Cas, they were going to have to find out eventually. Maybe you should just call them. Call them now and break the news yourself, if Zachariah hasn’t already said something. It’ll sound better coming from you.”
Castiel whirled on her. “You don’t get it, do you? My brothers aren’t Sam. They don’t love me unconditionally; they don’t think all love is beautiful. They’re assholes, essentially, but I don’t want to lose them. They’re all I have!”
“They’re not.”
She flopped down on the bed, which squealed under the sudden weight. She groaned along with it. “I can’t stand this.”
They lay side by side, fully clothed, with no part of their bodies touching. Castiel waited until Deanna’s breathing had gone slow and quiet before she rose, slipping away by degrees to avoid waking Deanna up.
She sat by the window for a while, looking out at the stars. It was easier to see them here than from her own house; she supposed there must be less light pollution. There was nothing going on outside, but that didn’t matter much. If she had only a few hours of her old life left, she might as well spend them just sitting quietly.
She turned and looked at Deanna, whose brow was creased in worry even in her sleep. Castiel hated that she was the person who had made Deanna look like that; she wished so much she could make that go away.
She wasn’t sure when she fell asleep, but she awoke to pale light on her face. A glorious golden sunrise was dawning. The light cast Deanna in a soft glow, illuminating the soft highlights in her hair. The image was so utterly perfect that Castiel was certain it couldn’t be anything but a gift from God.
And then, instantly, she knew what she needed to do.
Deanna had gone to sleep beside a despondent and tearful girl. It must have been a shock to wake up to a beaming woman, already washed, dressed and made-up, holding out a cup of coffee.
“Get up and get dressed, Deanna. We’ve got a press conference in an hour!”
*************
Deanna was grateful that she rarely, if ever, bothered to clean the house, since all the media people tracking dirt around would have driven her nuts if she’d lifted a broom in the last six months or so.
She was stunned that there could possibly this much interest in Castiel’s sex life. It kind of made her grateful that she was a nobody; at least she could have one-night stands and kinky sex in peace.
The thought touched a raw nerve. The thing was, she didn’t want to be having one-night stands anymore. Even if this was the shittiest way ever to begin a relationship, she desperately wanted this thing with Castiel to work out. But looking at Castiel, her hands shaking as she adjusted the little microphone clipped to her collar, she wondered if there was a chance in hell of that happening.
She’d barely had a second to talk to Castiel since she’d woken up that morning. She’d hardly lifted her head from the pillow when the doorbell started ringing and then she’d been pressed into service finding outlets, checking sound and alternatively lightening and darkening various areas of her house. So she hadn’t been able to ask Castiel exactly what this whole deal was about.
But she was focused now, clearly nervous but far from despondent. So obviously she’d worked out whatever lie she was going to tell.
Sitting there, Deanna made two decisions. The first was that she’d back up whatever it was that Castiel said. And then she’d leave. She’d leave Castiel’s life before she could become another Meg - just another dirty little secret. And she’d leave before she could do any more harm.
It might damn near kill her, but she’d do it.
Sam was a warm and welcome presence at Deanna’s side. She was grateful when he squeezed her hand in silent comfort and reminded herself to tell her brother just how awesome he was more often. She had no idea what she would have done had she been born into a family like Castiel’s.
The room stilled as Castiel began to speak. She winced and then forced a smile as the cameras started flashing. Deanna had to fight back the urge to go and stand between her and all these strangers.
“Hello.” Castiel’s normally husky voice sounded nearly an octave higher than usual. “Thank you for coming today. I’m not used to doing this; as you all probably know my manager usually makes statements on behalf of the rest of the Angels and myself. Or my former manager, rather, since we’ve recently parted ways.”
She stopped to take a sip of water. Deanna tried to catch her eye, seeking some sense of what kind of state her head was in. But Castiel kept her eyes resolutely on her notes.
“The reason I asked you here today is that it’s extremely likely that sometime last night Ruby Jones submitted an article to all the news outlets that carry her syndicated column. If so, then this article includes what she claims are nude photographs of me, taken by a woman with whom I have allegedly had a sexual relationship in the past.”
Deanna’s fingernails were carving little red half-moons in her palms. Castiel must have been similarly on edge; she was toying obsessively with the delicate silver cross that hung around her neck.
“All of this is true.”
Deanna’s mouth fell open She wasn’t alone. The gathered reporters buzzed excitedly and the cameras began clicking in earnest again. Castiel held her head up high and met all their stares head-on.
“Meg Masters, who I dated for a short time in the past, took those photographs. My intentions were that they be for private use; the public and my listeners were never meant to see them. Am I proud of these photographs? No, I’m not. But-” She began to smile and Deanna’s own mouth curved upwards in companionship, “I am proud of something.”
Their eyes met then, and Deanna knew the rest of the people in the room no longer mattered. Castiel was speaking right to her.
“I am proud to be a lesbian. Because that means that I’m lucky enough to get to love a truly amazing woman. I’m proud that God made me able to appreciate how wonderful she is and that He’s granted me the courage to say that in front of all of you. I’m proud that I’ve finally accepted - and I hope not too late - that I’m exactly as God created me to be.”
Deanna felt as if her grin might just split her face in half. She tasted salt and realized that she was crying, but couldn’t think why. She’d never been happier in her whole life.
Castiel went on. “I wish I’d had the courage to do this much earlier. I’d so much rather not be addressing this in an atmosphere of scandal. But things are what they are, and I’ve decided just to be happy that I got here at all.”
Castiel opened the floor to questions and a young reporter in the front row rose to speak. “I know that things must be happening quite quickly for you, but I’d like to know about your plans for the future. Our readers will be wondering if this means the end of the Angels.”
“I’m wondering the same thing”, Castiel admitted. “I won’t pretend that I think my family will take this well. So it’s very possible that I won’t be able to perform with them anymore. I would be very happy if that weren’t the case though; we’ll need to talk frankly and honestly with each other. As for the rest of my plans, I genuinely don’t know. I’ll just need to remember that I’m beginning a journey, and that I’m very excited to be on this new path no matter where it ends up.”
The reporter nodded and sat down. Castiel addressed the room again. “Next question please.”
And Deanna found herself on her feet, waving her arms frantically in the air. There was laughter in Castiel’s voice. “Yes, please. The absolutely beautiful woman in the back.”
And then Deanna was laughing too. “Wherever you’re going, can I come too?”
**************
“I think we’ve got it!” Anna swept her long red hair aside and smiled. “That little bit of growly bit sounded really nice, Deanna. Let’s keep that in.”
“We’re done then? Balthazar laid his drumsticks to the side. “Because I’ve really got to run.”
“Hot date?” Castiel teased her brother.
“Indeed. Me and the other alkies in a church basement, getting it on with our issues. Always fun.”
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I’m incredibly proud of you. You’re doing so well.”
For once, he dropped his sarcastic veneer. “You too, Cassy. Geez, look at us now, huh?”
Castiel had to agree. It was amazing how quickly everything had started to go right. Balthazar had turned up at Deanna’s place no more than five minutes after the press had cleared out, toting a duffel bag and asking where he was meant to sleep. Gabriel had followed him through the door, declaring that if the two of them thought he was sticking around in the funhouse with just Michael and Uriel for company they both had another thing coming. Once Castiel’s phone had finally stopped ringing with requests for interviews and offers of representation, Anna had managed to get through. Her sister had flown home the next weekend. And with so much of the band back together it had only made sense to pick up their instruments and make a little music.
They’d played only a few shows at the Roadhouse before they’d been approached by Bobby Singer. The older man might have looked like the exact embodiment of Joe Average, but he knew the music business so well that he made Zachariah look like a neophyte. Their schedule had been packed ever since, and Castiel sensed that a new recording contract must be just around the corner.
They were taking this weekend off, however. They had family business to attend to.
“Remember to get up early if you want to come tomorrow”, Deanna reminded the group. “I want to beat the traffic.”
“I’m definitely in”, Gabriel called over. “Mmm, Sam.”
Castiel rolled her eyes. “He’s straight, Gabe.”
“Whatever”, Gabriel scoffed. “You thought I was straight. I thought you were straight. I’m going to believe I’ve got a chance until proven otherwise.”
The first thing Castiel had done once the money started coming in again was offer Sam a loan. That, combined with the Winchester’s own savings and his scholarship money, was enough for him to resume his studies.
Castiel knew Deanna missed her brother a lot, but Sam had never wanted to be a musician and Deanna was really big on not forcing people into roles that didn’t fit them. Sam was thrilled to be back at school and constantly joked that he’d represent them as soon as fame went to their heads and they started committing all kinds of indictable offenses.
Deanna wrapped her arms around Castiel’s waist from behind and nuzzled into her neck. Castiel twisted around for a kiss, amazed that after so many months just being able to touch Deanna whenever she liked still thrilled her like nothing else.
Deanna said it wasn’t amazing at all. She claimed that she was very thrilling. Castiel had to agree.
“So, since we’re finishing early, can I interest you in an in depth tour of our bed?”
Castiel laughed. “I thought you just said we were leaving early. Don’t you need to sleep?”
“Good point”, Deanna agreed cheerfully. “So the tour starts right now.” She darted towards the stairs. “Come on, Cas.”
Castiel shook her head and happily followed Deanna’s lead.
Author:
thinlizzy2Pairings: Girl!Dean/Girl!Castiel, Sam/Ruby, past Dean/Jo, past Castiel/Meg, hint of Sam/Gabriel
Rating:: R
Word Count: 10250
Warnings: Homophobia, including internalized homophobia
Summary: Deanna is an out-and-proud singer trying to make ends meet. Castiel is a star with a secret.
Author’s Notes: Written for the
bigbang_mixup. My inspiration, a great mix called Loving Yourself (mixed by solara1357, is here.http://www.mediafire.com/?fdml0k6ns892e
Sam Winchester was obviously trying very hard not to piss off his sister by looking at his watch for the thousandth time since they started practicing. Which was, of course, really pissing Deanna off.
She tried not to show it though. After all, she had told Sam that they’d be finished by six at the latest. And it wasn’t entirely his fault that they sounded like crap.
Sighing, she unplugged her guitar. “I guess we might as well call it a day.”
“You sure?” Deanna loved her brother all the more for the fact that he was obviously trying not to look too eager.
“Yeah, it’s cool. Go call Ruby. But remember that we’re playing at Ellen’s tomorrow, so if you can make it an early night that would be great.
Sam nodded gratefully and slipped away to make the call. Deanna reminded herself that she was making an honest attempt to not hate Sam’s girlfriend and should therefore not be indulging in the kind of petty thoughts that were currently crowding into her head. Still, it was difficult. People like Ruby just set Deanna’s teeth on edge.
Okay, she was useful. As a music journalist, she’d given Sam and Deanna a few good reviews, although she tended to relegate Deanna to the background a bit more than she thought was strictly necessary. But Ruby seemed to get a real kick out of trashing musicians. If someone had an off-show or even just goofed up a bit she took a weird kind of pride in being the first took to mock them for it. Local performers dreaded her and even some of their friends had gone a bit lukewarm on Sam since he’d started seeing her. Deanna was incredibly relieved when she overheard Sam agree to meet her in the city. At least she wouldn’t have to
deal with Ruby in person tonight.
And time alone gave her a chance to indulge in her private little secret.
As soon as she heard Sam’s Charger start up, she headed for her bedroom and pulled the CD out from under the mattress. She knew it was stupid to hide it, but with all her talk about hating this kind of music, it wasn’t worth the teasing from her brother if he ever saw it. And she did hate it; it was pre-packaged crap that dressed up closed-minded religious preaching in pretty, catchy tunes. She’d felt dirty even buying it, but the picture on the cover had made it absolutely irresistible.
Most of the band - the Angels - were about as bland-looking as it was possible to be. But the singer, standing in the middle and staring into the camera with unbelievably blue eyes, took Deanna’s breath away every time she looked at her. The woman, who Deanna had learned had the improbable name of Castiel, had starred in every dirty fantasy Deanna had indulged in ever seeing the CD in the shop.
She slid the CD out of its case and into the stereo. Immediately, Castiel’s husky voice filled the room. It was such a weird match, that angelic face singing about praising the Lord in that deep, sexy purr. The contrast was hot as hell. Just for a few minutes, she was able to forget about her problems with Sam’ girlfriend or about the fact that they’d need to either miraculously get two more bookings for this month of sell some of their stuff to make rent. She didn’t even worry that they were no closer to having a big break than they had been four years ago when she’d tried to soften the blow of Sam’s having to leave Stanford with promises that if they went pro they’d be huge stars overnight. She just shut her eyes and listened, pretending that she had a beautiful dark-haired girl to sing just for her.
*
Castiel bit her lip and then mentally chided herself for it. Zachariah would scold her if her lips got chapped again; it showed in photos. But her manager clearly had more important things on his mind at the moment.
“She’s just not working out. I don’t especially care what she believes in her own head, but this is a Christian rock band. I’ve warned her about what she can and can’t say to magazines and she’s clearly not capable of listening. So she’s out.”
“But she’s my sister”, Castiel protested weakly. The truth was, she knew Anna was a problem, but she was still family. “I’ve been singing with her ever since I started performing.”
“It’s not up for debate”, Zachariah snapped. “I’m just letting you know how things are going to be. What I need to know is whether you plan to ruin your own career by going after her or if you’ve got the good sense to let this go gracefully.”
Castiel hung her head. Anna wasn’t just her sister, she was far and away her favorite sibling. But she couldn’t just walk out on her brothers; she was the public face of the band and they needed her. That was one of the things that had kept her from leaving herself, months ago. “I’ll stay.”
“Excellent.” Zachariah rubbed his hands together. “That’s done then. Oh, and by the way, I had to send another payment to that little mistake of yours. Exactly how many photos did you let her take?”
Castiel flushed. She’d been so stupid, as Zachariah never missed a chance to remind her. But Meg had been so exciting, a gorgeous wild photographer who had - for a painfully short time - made her believe that there might just be life outside of the little box she lived in. But then things had gone horribly wrong, and Castiel learned just how Meg could afford her gorgeous flat and decadent lifestyle without sacrificing her so-called artistic principles. “I’m really sorry.”
“Well, what’s done is done. You can make it up to me. I’ve already got a girl in mind to replace Anna, at least for recording, but I don’t want to waste my time if the two of you aren’t going to be able to work together. So you can come listen to her warbling away tomorrow night and see if you think she’ll do.”
Castiel nodded. “Can I come with you to tell Anna?” If she was there, Zachariah might be slightly less brutal. Or maybe she’d be able to convince him to give her sister a second chance.”
“I’m not going to see her; I’ll just call her now. And on that note, give me your phone. You’ve got an interview tomorrow and I’m not having your eyes get all puffy and red because the two of you needed a good little sob session. The laptop too.”
Castiel could have protested. She could have declared that she had every right to comfort her sister on the very night she learned she was being kicked out of the family band. But she’d gone head to head with Zachariah often enough to know it would accomplish nothing; he’d still get exactly what he wanted. So she blinked back tears as she handed over the devices he asked for.
Zachariah rolled his eyes. “Did I not just say no crying? Go to bed, Castiel. I’ll have someone pick you up at seven.”
Castiel crawled into bed and tried to convince herself that crying herself to sleep was an act of brave defiance.
**
Deanna had felt at home on the Roadhouse stage ever since she was a little girl, and tonight was no different. A lot of the crowd were regulars who had been coming to hear her and Sam play since the old days when their father had been alive and still performing with them. They were a supportive audience and so the Winchesters chatted them up a bit, tossed in some silly stuff they were still working on and were generally feeling great when the time came to take their break.
She gratefully accepted a cold beer from Jo, taking a long gulp and then pressing the cold bottle against her sweating neck. She pulled her shirt loose and fanned herself. “Hot in here tonight.”
Jo laughed. “Tease. Are you good to go back on in about 20 minutes?”
“No problem. We could probably due with a couple more waters though.” Deanna watched her leave. She was glad that her breakup with Jo had been amicable enough that she could still enjoy the view without guilt.
Jo returned with the bottles. “Hey, take a look at the couple of the back booth. Isn’t she somebody?”
Deanna looked and nearly choked. She worked in music and she knew musicians were just people, but seeing Castiel, whose voice and image she’d brought herself off quite nicely to the night before was a shocker. “Holy shit!”
“She is, isn’t she?”
“That’s Castiel, from the Angels.” Deanna still couldn’t believe it. “I don’t know who the guy is.”
“You listen to the Angels?” Jo gaped at him. “Dee, you know what they’re all singing about, right?”
“I don’t listen to them”, Deanna blushed. It wasn’t like the Angels music was overtly homophobic, but the underlying message was clear. “I just recognize her, that’s all. I mean, her picture’s been everywhere lately.”
“Whatever.” Jo turned and stared. “I wonder what she’s doing here. Should I go ask?”
Deanna watched the man sitting beside Castiel put a possessive hand on her arm and leaned in to whisper something in her ear. She told herself it was stupid to be disappointed; she’d never even met the other woman. “Nah, she’s clearly on a date with her daddy-issues at the moment.”
Jo snorted. “Ah, romance. Anyway, I’d better take some orders. Let me know if you need anything else.”
She had barely left before Sam returned from the restroom and slid onto her vacated stool. “Good crowd tonight, huh?”
“Hmmm.” The older guy was talking animatedly now, as Castiel nodded. Was it Deanna’s imagination, or did she look uncomfortable?
“Who’re you looking at?” Deanna dropped her eyes but it was too late. Sam was already looking at Castiel’s table. “New crush?”
“Yeah. I’m all hot for his aged ass.” Luckily, Sam didn’t seem to have recognized Castiel.
“Shut up! You should go over there. She’s pretty.”
Deanna poked her brother in the ribs. “You shouldn’t even notice stuff like that. You’ve got a girlfriend.”
“Yeah, but you-”
“I’ve got a vibrator. I’m good.”
Sam laughed. “Please. Have you even been on a date since Jo? Why not just go and say hello?”
“She’s with a man! Look, if it makes you feel better I promise I’ll pick up a groupie and have meaningless sex in the back of the car tonight. Is that good?”
“So long as you give me cab fare.”
Deanna chuckled. “Too good to walk now? Come on, Sasquatch. We’re back on.”
***
Castiel’s stomach knotted up as soon as Zachariah pulled into the parking lot of the roadhouse. She’d been here before, with Meg, and got kicked out once her ersatz girlfriend had picked a fight with the bartender. There was a chance they wouldn’t let her in at all, and she didn’t need another reason for Zachariah to be pissed off with her.
But there was a younger woman serving that night, a pretty blonde girl that Castiel couldn’t help checking out for a split second before she caught herself. As Zachariah always said, Meg had been a lesson she was meant to learn. She couldn’t have her life with her family and their music and have that too. So she fought the urge to ask for the girl’s name and just ordered a mineral water.
“So who’s this girl we’re looking at?” Castiel asked as she sipped.
“Her name’s Deanna Winchester. She plays with her brother.”
The name didn’t ring any bells. “So, what does she sing? Where does she play?”
Zachariah shrugged. “Here, for the most part. A couple of other places that are interchangeable with this. As for what she sings, considering that I’ve seen her three times and she’s been wearing the exact same thing every time, I imagine she’ll sing whatever we want her to.”
Castiel stifled a sigh. It didn’t sound like this would be anything worthwhile. More likely, this whole evening was some kind of power trip Zachariah was on, and he would drag her to see dozens of other unsuitable singers just to prove he owned her time. Still, there was nothing she could do so she gritted her teeth and vowed to just get through it.
Her sour mood lasted through the lights going down and Sam Winchester taking the stage. And then everything changed.
Deanna Winchester was breathtaking. Castiel would swear she had never seen a face like that in her life. The perfect cheekbones, the ridiculously green eyes - it was as if the girl had been designed specifically to attract her. And just when she was convinced things couldn’t possibly get any better, Deanna started to sing.
Castiel sat, spellbound, through the first set. When the musicians took their breaks, she inhaled sharply and turned to her manager.
“We’re having her.”
Zachariah cocked an eyebrow. “My dear, I don’t especially care what you do with her, so long as you don’t photograph it this time. As for the band though, I’m not sure. Now that I’m seeing her with you right here, I’m thinking it might not work out after all. Maybe we should keep looking.”
Castiel cursed herself. If she’d pretended to be reluctant, there was a real chance Zachariah would have tried to force Deanna on her. But she wasn’t going to back down. It wasn’t just how the girl looked; she had a voice like a bell, clear and pure and strong. Castiel knew they’d sound incredible together.
So she fixed her manager with the steadiest look she could manage. “Zachariah. We’re. Having. Her.”
Something must have warned him she was serious. To her surprise, he dropped her gaze. “Fine then. I’ll take you back to the house and then I’ll come back here. I should be able to catch her before she leaves.
She was stunned to have won so quickly but distressed by his request. “But-” She wanted to see the rest of the show and she desperately wanted to meet Deanna herself.
“Castiel”, Zachariah obviously wasn’t going to give her two victories in one night. “Do you have some kind of degree in entertainment law that I’m unaware of? No? Then I don’t need you to negotiate a contract for me.” He gave her a little shove, nothing too hard. “Now move.”
****
Deanna was more nervous than she wanted to admit. She’d downplayed this whole audition when she’d told Sam about it; after all, it was just for one CD and probably only back-up singing. Now that the time had come, she hoped he wouldn’t notice her hands shaking.
Zachariah rolled his eyes when he met her at the door. “I told you I was interested in hearing you; I don’t need your brother.”
“No... he’s just here for, you know, moral support.” Nice to know her first impression that this guy was a massive asshole seemed to be accurate. Deanna liked being able to trust her instincts.
Zachariah looked ready to make another snarky remark, but then someone spoke from behind him. “Zachariah? Is that her?”
Zachariah stepped aside with a surprising deference and a dark-haired man stepped forward. He appraised Deanna with a frank stare and she felt herself blushing. After what felt like a very long time, he stuck out his hand. “I’m Michael.”
“Deanna.” She shook his hand; he gripped much too tight. “This is my brother, Sam. Is it okay if he sits in?”
Michael turned that same intense gaze on Sam. After his curt nod, the two Winchesters followed him and Zachariah into the studio.
Introductions to the rest of the band were perfunctory. Uriel, a giant to rival Sam, just nodded as he was tuning his bass. Gabriel, as small as his brother was large, merely waved as he chatted on his cell phone. Balthazar looked surprisingly hung-over for a member of a Christian rock band; he barely lifted his head from the table. But where was-
“Hello, Deanna.”
Whoa.
It was one thing to see someone in a picture or across a crowded room; it was another thing entirely to come face to face with them. Deanna’s breath caught and she felt her cheeks heating up.
“I loved your show last night. You’ve got a beautiful voice.”
“You too. I listen to your last CD all the time.” From the corner of her eye, Deanna saw Sam giving her a weird look, but it was too late.
She’d never sung this kind of music before, but the drawn-out notes and gospel-inspired rhythms that the Angels favored suited her voice surprisingly well. Michael and Uriel tapped their feet as she sang and whatever Sam was whispering to Gabriel was making the smaller nam nod enthusiastically. Even Balthazar’s bleary eyes took on an approving cast. Only Zachariah still seemed unimpressed as Castiel handed over the sheet music for their duet.
As soon as they started to sing together, Deanna knew she had this job.
She’d never harmonized this easily with anyone. Her voice and Castiel’s blended in a way that she knew from experience usually took musicians months of intense practice to achieve. The contrast between their voices was exquisite; Deanna’s honeyed southern tones mixed with Castiel’s huskier alto in a way that would be frankly erotic if they were singing anything besides church music. When they trailed off at the end, a long silence was finally broken by Michael ordering Zachariah to get the contract.
*****
Castiel was thrilled. She’d never sung that well in her life; more than that, she’d never had such a good time just singing. And that was without any practice or preparation; imagine what they’d be able to do once they’d had time to rehearse! She returned Deanna’s delighted smile and couldn’t help reaching out to squeeze the other girl’s hand.
Zachariah returned with the contract and Deanna’s brother rose to his feet. “Let me take a look at those.”
“You’re her manager too?” Castiel figured Zachariah must have been hoping to represent Deanna himself after such a stellar performance.
“I did a couple of years of law school.” Sam read through the first two pages without comment. He looked up in the middle of the third. “What’s this? Morality clause?”
“We need to protect our image. She doesn’t have any secret babies hidden away, does she? Or a boyfriend in prison?”
Something silent but potent passed between the Winchester siblings then. Castiel didn’t understand it until a long moment later when Deanna piped up. “Nope. No babies and no convict boyfriends. I’m a lesbian.”
Castiel knees buckle as a rush of terrifying images flooded her mind. She’d had to pray for hours to avoid fantasizing about Deanna after her performance at the Roadhouse, and now it seemed like all that effort was for nothing. That one honest declaration had undone all of it.
“Well then”, Castiel realized dimly that Uriel was speaking. “It looks like this won’t work out. Thanks for coming in though, and good luck.”
“Wait!” Castiel could not let Deanna just walk away. “Guys, please. What does it matter?”
“What does it matter?” Michael scoffed. “Tell me, Castiel, do you remember reading the Bible at all. Do you remember what it says?”
“Not to mention what our fanbase would say”, Gabriel muttered under his breath.
“How about what we say?” Castiel demanded. “Hate the sin but love the sinner - that’s right there in our lyrics!” She shot Deanna a look of silent apology but got an angry glare in return.
“I’m not a sinner.”
“I just meant...” This was all going horribly wrong. “We’re all sinners, really. Aren’t we?”
Balthazar sidled over. “Let it go, Cassy”, he breathed in her ear. She shook her head at the one brother who knew her secret.
She darted away from him, ignoring his hurt look. Desperately, she grabbed Deanna’s shoulder. “Please. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Excuse me.” Sam was still seated calmly, looking at the paperwork. “I just thought I’d point out that refusing to employ Deanna based on her sexual orientation is a violation of a pretty important law and would leave you open to a lawsuit.”
Zachariah was usually extremely sensitive to threats of any kind of litigation, but he coolly assessed Sam’s tattered jeans and wash-worn t-shirt with a sneer. “Please. You couldn’t afford to sue us.”
“Oh.” Sam piped up again. “And I’m dating Ruby Jones.”
The mood in the room changed palpably. Zachariah’s swallow was audible. “The columnist Ruby Jones?”
“The one and only.” Deanna’s brother was clearly enjoying this. He whipped about his cell and tossed it to Zachariah. “Look, she’s on my contact list. So all I have to do is make a single phone call, and you’re all over the papers. If you feel like ending up in the middle of a giant media debate, that’s your business. But it seems to me that it would be easier to just let Deanna do her job. That is, Deanna, if you still want it.” His voice softened. “I’d totally understand if you didn’t.”
Deanna looked back at Castiel. Castiel realized she still had her hand on the other girl’s shoulder and dropped it with a gasp. She stared at the floor; she didn’t need to look at Zachariah to know he must be glaring at her.
Deanna was no doubt talking to her brother, but Castiel still felt like the words were directed right at her.
“Oh, I want it.”
******
Assholes must never be allowed to win.
Deanna’s father had told her that years ago, when she’d first come out to him. He’d begun by telling her that he still loved her in exactly that same way he always had, but that there were people in the world that were going to hate her now. And then he’d stressed that, no matter what, she couldn’t give in to them. So she never had.
But she wondered if John Winchester had fully realized how damn uncomfortable it was it walk into a room full of people who clearly loathed her, and then have to make beautiful music with them.
Zachariah was openly unpleasant, never missing an opportunity to put her down. Out of the Angels themselves, Michael and Uriel were by far the worst, banding together and whispering whenever she was near. Gabriel just treated her like some sort of mildly entertaining curiousity and Balthazar acted like he was one hundred percent certain that Deanna had learned to sing and got herself this job just for the sole purpose of corrupting his little sister.
And the thing was, Deanna would have loved to corrupt her.
She knew this Castiel... thing was pointless. The woman was such a good little church-goer that the very idea of letting someone see her fun parts without a ring on her finger and vows of everlasting tedium was probably horrifying to her. One day she had picked up one of Deanna’s magazines - nothing pornographic, just reviews of gay friendly movies and local clubs and stuff - and had turned scarlet once she realized what she was reading. Deanna had once glanced, just for a second, at the tempting V-neck of Castiel’s sweater, and she’d been wearing turtlenecks ever since.
So yeah, Deanna was wasting her time.
It was just hard to remember that sometimes.
One of the reasons she’d always preferred to sing with her family was that she needed to like the people she made music with. Singing, to Deanna, was a personal act; she felt vulnerable every time she opened her mouth and needed the support and comfort of a band she trusted in order to really do her best. With that in mind, singing with the Angels should have reduced her to a dull monotone.
But when she sang with Castiel, it was magic. Every single time. It didn’t matter that her brothers were no doubt glaring at her over their instruments or that Castiel was bound to disappear under Balthazar’s arm as soon as they were finished. Once the music started, she and Castiel looked into each other’s eyes and all the bullshit faded away into nothing. Even after they finished, there were times when they’d just stand there staring at each other until someone actively distracted them. Adding to that, Castiel had no concept whatsoever of personal space. She’d come and sit ridiculously close to Deanna, not doing or saying anything but just being there. It was equal parts wonderful and frustrating.
Still, Castiel was the closest thing Deanna had to a friend in the Angels, so she considered herself justified in her anger the night she heard Castiel’s quiet sobs mixing with Zachariah’s trademark abuse. It was late and she was tired, but Zachariah had been riding her own ass all day and had seemed highly annoyed when Deanna had managed to just shrug him off. The thought of him taking that anger out on Castiel made Deanna’s insides clench. So she pulled open to door to Zachariah’s office and glared at him.
“You need to go be a dickhed somewhere else for a bit. Balthazar’s piss-drunk.” Deanna figured it would take him some time to find Balthazar, and even then there was at least a 50% chance she was inadvertently telling the truth.
Zachariah cursed and stormed out. Deanna fumbled in her pockets for a tissue, offering it awkwardly to Castiel. “Here.”
“Thanks.” Castiel sat on the edge of Zachariah’s desk, dabbing at her eyes. “Where’s Balthazar? I should probably find him before Zachariah does.”
“He’ll be fine.” Deanna perched next to Castiel on the desk. “Why do you take that shit from him anyway?”
Castiel looked away. “I didn’t hire him; Michael did. He takes care of the business stuff. And he says Zachariah’s the best.”
“But does he know how he talks to you? He’s not like that with any of the others.”
Castiel just shrugged. “It’s been like that for a while. He hates me.”
“You’re the sin now?”
“What? Oh...” Deanna had meant to make her laugh, not embarrass her. “About that...”
“Look.” Deanna held up a hand to stop her. “Do you hate me?”
“Not at all.”
“Do you hate gay people?”
“...No.”
“Then we’re cool. We don’t need to have this whole chick-flick talk when you’re upset.”
Castiel snuffled a bit and offered Deanna the tissue back. She chuckled. “Keep it.”
She rested her head on Deanna’s shoulder and it was impossible to keep from putting an arm around her.
“I think you’re brave.” The words were slightly muffled by Deanna’s t-shirt, but she was sure she’d understood them.
“What? Why?”
Castiel lifted her head and their eyes met. There it was - the undeniable spark of chemistry between them. “What you said when you were signing your contract. You knew he’d be angry; you knew everyone there would judge you. But you just went and did it anyway.”
“Yeah... well.” Shit, she was way too close.
“I wish I could do that.”
Deanna started. “Cas?”
Castiel leaned in closer until there was nowhere left for her to go. Deanna felt the slightest pressure, like a warm solid breath on her mouth and then Castiel was gone, slipping off the desk and out the door with a mumbled apology. Deanna stared after her, one hand stroking her own mouth.
“I wish you could too.”
*******
Castiel paced around her bedroom, teetering on the edge between laughing and crying. What had she just done?
Well, to be perfectly honest she knew exactly what she’d done. She’d kissed Deanna. And she would like very much to do that again.
She couldn’t though; she knew that much. The last time she’d let herself do what she wanted, she’d barely gotten out with her career and her family intact. Still, it was so damn hard to remembered that at all moments of every day. So just for tonight, she decided to let herself indulge in ridiculously cliched fantasies. Scampering over the the window, she imagined Deanna returning to throw pebbles at her window.
When she heard the knocking on the door, she wondered if she’d somehow summoned Deanna back. Her face fell when she saw that it was only Balthazar.
“You’re traipsing about, Cas.” He was well past drunk. Even if she hadn’t been able to smell it, the slurring was usually a clear giveaway. “You traipse very loudly, especially when you’re all worked up about something. Think of poor little me, with the bedroom right under yours, won’t you? Traipser.”
She caught him just before he hit the floor. “Balthazar?” She dragged him over to the bed. “Crap, you’re heavy.” She recoiled from his breath. “Ugh. I really should get Zachariah, you know.” It was an empty threat and they both knew it. She tugged a quilt up over him. “You’re disgusting.”
“I already saw Zachariah. He gave me the shit for drinking. I hadn’t been but I figured, hey, if I’m already in trouble over it...” He grabbed at the hem of her blouse and pulled her down to sit next to him. “So I was trying to figure out why our new little songbird might be trying to get me detention and then I heard you traipse. So I took the dots and I connected them up all nicely and now I’m wondering when you stopped confiding in me. Anything else I don’t know?”
Castiel let him rest his head against her leg and sadly stroked his hair. Even through the haze of alcohol, her brother could be incredibly intuitive. “Nothing happened.”
“Hmm? Can’t say as I believe you.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re aren’t going to remember this tomorrow.”
“Probably not”, Balthazar agreed cheerfully. “So you might as well confide away. “ He reached up and petted her cheek. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you smiling like you’ve been doing at practice the last little while.” He poked her in the side and she yelped. “Come on, Cassy. Tell.”
Castiel laughed, giving in. “It was only one kiss.”
“Seriously? This much traipsing over one kiss? You must really like her.”
Her laughter was deeper this time. “Maybe I’m just improving my traipsing technique. Balthazar... you know-”
“I won’t tell.”
She knew he wouldn’t. For all his flaws, and Balthazar was brimming with them, he loved her. That was why she still had a home and a family.
She slid under the comforter and curled up next to him. It would be best to just sleep like this; then she could get him cleaned up in the morning before anyone else saw him.
“Do you ever think about just leaving?”
His response was so long in coming that she nearly nodded off waiting. “I’d be dead in a week if you did.”
“You could come with me...”
This time there was no reply.
********
Deanna turned up for practice an absolute nervous wreck. And it was beginning to look like that was going to be the high point of the day.
It had taken her forever to fall asleep that night. She was far from inexperienced; for her, one little kiss was normally nothing to get worked up about. But she knew it was likely to mean something to Castiel, which made Deanna feel differently about it too. She had no idea what to expect at practice so spent the walk to the studio preparing for everything from an newly liberated sex kitten to a massively embarrassed virgin.
The one thing she hadn’t anticipated was that Castiel might be entirely absent.
“She’s got food poisoning”, Uriel explained. “Balthazar too.”
“If you consider liquor to be food”, Gabriel put in.
Michael shot his brother a deadly glare. “We’re cancelling today. Sorry, but you’ll still get paid.”
Normally a day off with pay would have been cause for celebration, but Deanna was damned if she was going to spend another day trying to work out whether she had a new girlfriend, a horrific work situation or both. Plus, it wasn’t the first time Balthazar had missed practice because of an enthusiastic night-before and Castiel had never joined him. Deanna knew she was being avoided and that bugged her.
“Can I use your bathroom before I go?” she asked. She needed into that house.
Castiel’s brothers looked uncomfortable, but Deanna crossed her legs and squirmed. “It’s an emergency!”
She was already halfway down the hallway when she realized she couldn’t possibly go up to Castiel’s room; there was no justifiable reason for her to be upstairs. So she took a detour towards the room Zachariah had co-opted as an office. After all, she had found Castiel there yesterday.
The room was empty.
Deanna was about to leave when Zachariah’s laptop gave a chirp. Deanna paused - so the computer was active? She knew it was wrong, but Zachariah was a first class bastard. If she could find some kind of scat porn or something equally embarrassing, then she might have something to hold over his head the next time he wanted to turn her or Castiel into his verbal punching bag.
Most of it was just boring business stuff that Deanna barely scanned. But halfway through the photos list was a file titled mm_castiel. Deanna’s curious nature got the better of her and she clicked it.
Holy shit!
Castiel, cupping her chest, staring into the camera with an expression that was somehow both wanton and shy.
Castiel with her her eyes clenched shut but her legs wide open, the scared-schoolgirl face making the glistening pussy look even more obscene.
Castiel with two fingers buried deep inside herself, the look of pleasure on her face so intense that Deanna could practically hear her crying out.
But the cry she heard sounded anything but pleasurable.
Deanna spun around to see Castiel staring at her with a stricken expression. She jumped guiltily aside as the other woman stalked past her and grabbed the laptop. Helpless she watched Castiel crumple as she took in the images.
“Fuck, fuck fuck!” More pornographic pictures scrolled past at lightening speed. “He’s not supposed to still have these; he told me he was deleting them all.”
“Why did you let him take them?” Deanna could barely believe that this buttoned-up woman was the same person as the one in the pictures.
“He didn’t - it was someone else. Dammit!” Castiel slammed her hand down on the desk. “I can’t delete them; he’s got some kind of password!” She let out a ragged sob. “Deanna, what am I going to do?”
Deanna yanked the plug out of the wall and dropped the computer in Castiel’s arms. “Got a dumpster out back?”
Castiel shook her head. “He’s probably got all our contracts on that, records of all our meetings... I can’t do that.”
Fair point. Deanna bit her lip. “Get your coat.”
They had to climb out the window; they couldn’t take the chance of running into any of Castiel’s brothers or Zachariah himself. Castiel kept silent as Deanna drove, waiting until they were turning into Deanna’s driveway to finally ask “What now?”
Deanna shrugged. “You hold it hostage. Tell him he can have it back when he gives you the password and delete everything before you return it. If there’s important stuff on there he’ll have to give in pretty quick, right?”
“But what if he tells my brothers why I took it?” Castiel wiped away a tear. “Deanna, he could wreck everything.”
“They don’t know?” Deanna couldn’t imagine keeping anything like this from Sam. Hell, he’d be the one helping her with damage control.”
“Balthazar does. He doesn’t care about sex stuff. I think Gabriel might suspect... something; we’ve never talked about it though. He doesn’t know anything about the photos. And Michael and Uriel? No - nothing. They can’t find out, Deanna. They’ll never forgive me!”
“Shit.” Deanna just meant to give Castiel a comforting hug, but the other woman turned suddenly and Deanna found herself with her lips pressed to the side of Castiel’s mouth. She went with it. “Come inside”, she whispered against Castiel’s cheek.” “We’ll work something out.”
**********
Castiel’s head was throbbing as she followed Deanna into the house, but the warm and cozy room relaxed her a bit in spite of herself. The sagging furniture and scuffed floorboards gave off a comforting air of hominess, and she wondered just why she and her brothers kept their own home so sterile-looking.
She flinched a bit when Deanna carelessly tossed the laptop onto the sofa and headed for the stairs. The other woman must have sensed her panic. “Look, it’s fine. Sam’s not going to look at it. Hell, he can probably help us the work out the password to delete things if Zachariah doesn’t give it up.”
“But-”
“We don’t go looking through other people’s shit, I promise.”
“You did”, Castiel pointed out. Deanna gave that quiet chuckle of hers and Castiel found herself unwinding just a fraction more. She couldn’t help it; she really liked that laugh.
“Yeah, well. Sam’s better than me. Seriously, there’s nothing to worry about. Come on - you need to clean up and the washroom’s upstairs.
It was off Deanna’s bedroom. Castiel looked at herself in the cracked mirror and wondered if the implied seven years of bad luck had somehow rubbed off on her. She’d forced Zachariah’s hand and landed herself in the worst position imaginable. She was in possibly the worst trouble she’d ever been in; the wonderful woman waiting outside should be the last thing on her mind at the moment.
Nonetheless...
Deanna was stretched out on the bed when Castiel emerged. She’d taken two beers out of her mini-fridge and was making good headway with one of them. She gestured to the other one with her chin. “It’s for you.”
Castiel picked up up tentatively. “I don’t normally drink.”
Deanna snorted. “Cas, nothing about today is normal.”
True enough. Castiel took a sip and winced at the bitter taste. “Listen, I know you don’t owe me anything.”
Deanna waved her hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not going to say anything.”
Castiel settled at the edge of the bed. She took another sip of her beer; this one went down more easily. Maybe beer wasn’t that bad. “How did your brother take it, when you told him that you’re gay?”
“Same as the rest of my family. He said ‘okay.’”
“That’s it?” Castiel couldn’t believe it.
“There was some talking about not letting bastards get me down and the reminders that just because no one was going to get me pregnant didn’t mean I should just forget about safe sex but yeah. Mostly just ‘okay.’” Deanna leaned forward. “Cas, you do know that’s how it should be, right?”
Castiel felt the tears welling up again. “It doesn’t have a whole lot to do with how things should be. Meg should have been a decent person. My sister should still be welcome in our home. Zachariah should be looking out for my interests. None of that’s happening and the world’s not ending, so clearly what should be doesn’t matter much.”
“Hey, hey, hey!” Deanna crawled forward and grabbed Castiel’s sleeve, pulling her down until they were lying side by side. “It’s okay. I promise you - it’s going to be okay.”
There was absolutely no way Deanna could keep that promise; Castiel knew that. Still, she appreciated it - and Deanna’s comforting embrace - more than she could say.
“You want to talk about it?”
Castiel did, but she had no idea where to start. So she just let her thoughts escape in the order they came, beginning with her lack of knowledge about where in the world her parents were and seguing into her fear of Zachariah, her frustration at the way most of her brothers kept her at arms length, her terror over what was going to happen to Anna and Balthazar, and her doubts about God in general and her church in particular before finishing up with her colossal disappointment over Meg.
“I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her. Even when things were good, I knew it was all going to turn out to be a huge mistake. But I couldn’t end it. She made me feel so good, Deanna. She made me so happy.”
“No she didn’t.”
At some point in her monologue, Deanna had begun stroking Castiel’s hair. The sudden jerk of Castiel’s head knocked Deanna’s hand to her shoulder. “She did.”
“I’ve seen the pictures, Cas. You looked miserable. Hot as hell, if you’ll pardon the expression, but scared or embarrassed or whatever. You weren’t smiling in a single one.”
Castiel laughed nervously. “Well... it was sex, you know? Who smiles during sex?”
Deanna stared at her. “Seriously? If you do it right, everyone smiles!”
Castiel drew a deep breath. “I don’t believe you.” She hoped desperately that Deanna caught the hint.
Apparently, she was in luck. Deanna studied her face intently and then leaned in. Castiel felt a feather-light brush against her lips. She could barely hear Deanna’s whisper. “Smile.”
Hardly believing her daring, Castiel shook her head. “Not happy enough.”
Deanna laughed a bit, close enough that Castiel could feel the exhaled puff of her breath. the next kiss was deeper and richer, with a scrape of teeth that made Castiel open her mouth for Deanna’s adventurous tongue. “Smile!”
Castiel had to bite her own lip to hold it back, but she just managed to resist. “Uh-uh.”
Deanna pulled away and Castiel’s heart pounded in terror that she had already overplayed her meagre hand. Then Deanna grinned wickedly, a wolfish smile that that made Castiel’s pussy clench with longing. “I love a challenge.”
And so it went. Castiel allowed herself a small smile as Deanna licked at her breasts, knowing that she wouldn’t be seen. She even let a small spurt of laughter escape when her lips closed around Deanna’s clit and the other woman shouted out loud with pleasure; she figured Deanna would be too distracted to notice. But when they were face to face again, Deanna’s fingers mapping out the inside of Castiel’s body like she wanted to memorize it forever, the teasing turned to tenderness. Deanna’s free hand stroked Castiel’s cheek as Castiel gasped and writhed against her.
“Come on, Cas. Smile. For me? Come on.”
And Castiel tossed back her head and let her face be consumed by this most unlikely joy she had found.
***********
“You’re sure you don’t want me to come in?”
“Deanna. Stop it.”
Deanna knew it was probably far too early in this relationship for her to kick off the overprotective girlfriend routine, but Castiel had to be terrified. And no matter how much she claimed that she could do this, that she not only wanted but needed to confront Zachariah by herself, there was still the fact that they had been sitting in Castiel’s driveway for nearly half and hour, and she’d yet to reach for the car door.
“He’s not going to kill me, right? I mean, the worst he can do is yell. And out me to everyone I know. And get me kicked out of the only home I’ve ever - this is probably not a very healthy train of thought, huh?”
Deanna tightened her grip on Castiel’s hands. “He won’t kill you. Worst case scenario, he flips out. You call me and I come back here, then we go to my place and have make-it-better sex all day. Really, the only way out is up!”
Castiel laughed. “Well, if he does kill me, I’ve got say that was one pretty fantastic last night on Earth.” She exhaled slowly and set her face in an expression of resolve. “Okay, here I go.”
One last kiss for Deanna, and then she was striding quickly towards the house. Deanna wanted to follow her, to stand beside her in support, but she had to trust Castiel to do this on her own if that was what she wanted.
So she drove to the grocery store instead and tried to focus her mind on shopping. Aside from her own usual cold cuts and Sam’s ridiculous curly-lettuce salad she picked up a fresh batch of the banana muffins she’d noticed Castiel had enjoyed that morning. The other woman hadn’t seemed overly fond of Deanna’s beers, so she took a bottle of red wine. On a whim, she grabbed a bottle of white as well: she liked the idea of using the some of her salary from the Angels to help Castiel get all debauched.
Her phone still hadn’t made a noise by the time she pulled up at home, and she resisted the urge to call Castiel herself. For all she knew, she was right in the middle of a good heart-to-heart with her brothers,in which they’d celebrate having given Zachariah his walking papers by actually behaving like a proper family. Deanna snorted to herself. Yeah, right. She was giving it five more minutes and then she was going to make that damn phone call.
She was humming to herself as she unlocked the door, a song she and Castiel has sung together for the first time just a few days ago. It was a pretty little ballad and Deanna liked it, but the notes died in her mouth as she entered the kitchen and took in the scene at her own kitchen table.
The room was dark; she’d neglected to pull back the curtains that morning. So the face of Ruby Jones was illuminated mostly by the glowing screen of Zachariah’s laptop. Deanna didn’t need to see the screen to know what Ruby was looking at; the reporter’s practically demonic grin made it clear she’d found both Castiel’s pictures and the huge story she’d always wanted to break.
************
Castiel sat with both the Winchester siblings on the battered old living room carpet. Both Deanna and her brother looked as exhausted as Castiel felt and they were no closer to coming up with a solution than they had been six hours ago. She rubbed at her eyes; they felt like they had been washed in salt-water and dried with sandpaper. “Okay. I give up.”
Deanna began to protest, but Sam merely groaned. “Yeah. Look, I know I’ve said it a million times already, but I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what Ruby would do.” Despite the misery of the situation, Castiel found she really liked Deanna’s brother. He’d done all he could persuade his now ex-girlfriend not to go public with the photographs, and when that had failed he’d calmed his sister down and helped them both to brainstorm ways of minimizing the damage. Nonetheless, his guilt-stricken expression indicated that he was still holding himself personally responsible for what had happened.
“She’s right.” Deanna sounded raw with exhaustion. “It’s my fault. I knew what was on that computer; I have no idea what I was thinking. Cas, I’m so -”
Castiel held up a hand to silence her. “I knew what was on the computer too, remember? And I was the one who willingly posed for the pictures in the first place.” She dropped her face into her hands. “But there’s no point in arguing about who’s to blame now. There’s nothing we can do.”
It was all too true. Maybe Zachariah would have been willing to pay Ruby to keep the photos under wraps once, although it was anyone’s guess how much money that would take. But Castiel’s defiance earlier in the day had effectively burned that bridge to cinders. Balthazar was the only other person Castiel could think of who might want to protect her, and he didn’t have any more resources than she did. No matter which way they approached the crisis, there just didn’t seem to be a solution.
“Tell me what you need”, Deanna insisted. “I’ll do anything I can.”
“Sleep.” Castiel’s voice was so ragged she barely recognized it herself. “I need to go to sleep.”
It was in the quiet of Deanna’s room that she finally let herself break down. “I just can’t believe I was so stupid twice. What’s it going to take for me to work out that I don’t get to have something like this? I can’t believe...” She whirled around on Deanna. “Everyone’s going to know. Everybody I’ve ever met. Everyone who’s ever bought one of my records. “My brothers - oh God - what are Michael and Uriel going to say?”
“Cas...” Deanna put a comforting hand on her shoulder, but Castiel didn’t want to be consoled. “Cas, they were going to have to find out eventually. Maybe you should just call them. Call them now and break the news yourself, if Zachariah hasn’t already said something. It’ll sound better coming from you.”
Castiel whirled on her. “You don’t get it, do you? My brothers aren’t Sam. They don’t love me unconditionally; they don’t think all love is beautiful. They’re assholes, essentially, but I don’t want to lose them. They’re all I have!”
“They’re not.”
She flopped down on the bed, which squealed under the sudden weight. She groaned along with it. “I can’t stand this.”
They lay side by side, fully clothed, with no part of their bodies touching. Castiel waited until Deanna’s breathing had gone slow and quiet before she rose, slipping away by degrees to avoid waking Deanna up.
She sat by the window for a while, looking out at the stars. It was easier to see them here than from her own house; she supposed there must be less light pollution. There was nothing going on outside, but that didn’t matter much. If she had only a few hours of her old life left, she might as well spend them just sitting quietly.
She turned and looked at Deanna, whose brow was creased in worry even in her sleep. Castiel hated that she was the person who had made Deanna look like that; she wished so much she could make that go away.
She wasn’t sure when she fell asleep, but she awoke to pale light on her face. A glorious golden sunrise was dawning. The light cast Deanna in a soft glow, illuminating the soft highlights in her hair. The image was so utterly perfect that Castiel was certain it couldn’t be anything but a gift from God.
And then, instantly, she knew what she needed to do.
Deanna had gone to sleep beside a despondent and tearful girl. It must have been a shock to wake up to a beaming woman, already washed, dressed and made-up, holding out a cup of coffee.
“Get up and get dressed, Deanna. We’ve got a press conference in an hour!”
*************
Deanna was grateful that she rarely, if ever, bothered to clean the house, since all the media people tracking dirt around would have driven her nuts if she’d lifted a broom in the last six months or so.
She was stunned that there could possibly this much interest in Castiel’s sex life. It kind of made her grateful that she was a nobody; at least she could have one-night stands and kinky sex in peace.
The thought touched a raw nerve. The thing was, she didn’t want to be having one-night stands anymore. Even if this was the shittiest way ever to begin a relationship, she desperately wanted this thing with Castiel to work out. But looking at Castiel, her hands shaking as she adjusted the little microphone clipped to her collar, she wondered if there was a chance in hell of that happening.
She’d barely had a second to talk to Castiel since she’d woken up that morning. She’d hardly lifted her head from the pillow when the doorbell started ringing and then she’d been pressed into service finding outlets, checking sound and alternatively lightening and darkening various areas of her house. So she hadn’t been able to ask Castiel exactly what this whole deal was about.
But she was focused now, clearly nervous but far from despondent. So obviously she’d worked out whatever lie she was going to tell.
Sitting there, Deanna made two decisions. The first was that she’d back up whatever it was that Castiel said. And then she’d leave. She’d leave Castiel’s life before she could become another Meg - just another dirty little secret. And she’d leave before she could do any more harm.
It might damn near kill her, but she’d do it.
Sam was a warm and welcome presence at Deanna’s side. She was grateful when he squeezed her hand in silent comfort and reminded herself to tell her brother just how awesome he was more often. She had no idea what she would have done had she been born into a family like Castiel’s.
The room stilled as Castiel began to speak. She winced and then forced a smile as the cameras started flashing. Deanna had to fight back the urge to go and stand between her and all these strangers.
“Hello.” Castiel’s normally husky voice sounded nearly an octave higher than usual. “Thank you for coming today. I’m not used to doing this; as you all probably know my manager usually makes statements on behalf of the rest of the Angels and myself. Or my former manager, rather, since we’ve recently parted ways.”
She stopped to take a sip of water. Deanna tried to catch her eye, seeking some sense of what kind of state her head was in. But Castiel kept her eyes resolutely on her notes.
“The reason I asked you here today is that it’s extremely likely that sometime last night Ruby Jones submitted an article to all the news outlets that carry her syndicated column. If so, then this article includes what she claims are nude photographs of me, taken by a woman with whom I have allegedly had a sexual relationship in the past.”
Deanna’s fingernails were carving little red half-moons in her palms. Castiel must have been similarly on edge; she was toying obsessively with the delicate silver cross that hung around her neck.
“All of this is true.”
Deanna’s mouth fell open She wasn’t alone. The gathered reporters buzzed excitedly and the cameras began clicking in earnest again. Castiel held her head up high and met all their stares head-on.
“Meg Masters, who I dated for a short time in the past, took those photographs. My intentions were that they be for private use; the public and my listeners were never meant to see them. Am I proud of these photographs? No, I’m not. But-” She began to smile and Deanna’s own mouth curved upwards in companionship, “I am proud of something.”
Their eyes met then, and Deanna knew the rest of the people in the room no longer mattered. Castiel was speaking right to her.
“I am proud to be a lesbian. Because that means that I’m lucky enough to get to love a truly amazing woman. I’m proud that God made me able to appreciate how wonderful she is and that He’s granted me the courage to say that in front of all of you. I’m proud that I’ve finally accepted - and I hope not too late - that I’m exactly as God created me to be.”
Deanna felt as if her grin might just split her face in half. She tasted salt and realized that she was crying, but couldn’t think why. She’d never been happier in her whole life.
Castiel went on. “I wish I’d had the courage to do this much earlier. I’d so much rather not be addressing this in an atmosphere of scandal. But things are what they are, and I’ve decided just to be happy that I got here at all.”
Castiel opened the floor to questions and a young reporter in the front row rose to speak. “I know that things must be happening quite quickly for you, but I’d like to know about your plans for the future. Our readers will be wondering if this means the end of the Angels.”
“I’m wondering the same thing”, Castiel admitted. “I won’t pretend that I think my family will take this well. So it’s very possible that I won’t be able to perform with them anymore. I would be very happy if that weren’t the case though; we’ll need to talk frankly and honestly with each other. As for the rest of my plans, I genuinely don’t know. I’ll just need to remember that I’m beginning a journey, and that I’m very excited to be on this new path no matter where it ends up.”
The reporter nodded and sat down. Castiel addressed the room again. “Next question please.”
And Deanna found herself on her feet, waving her arms frantically in the air. There was laughter in Castiel’s voice. “Yes, please. The absolutely beautiful woman in the back.”
And then Deanna was laughing too. “Wherever you’re going, can I come too?”
**************
“I think we’ve got it!” Anna swept her long red hair aside and smiled. “That little bit of growly bit sounded really nice, Deanna. Let’s keep that in.”
“We’re done then? Balthazar laid his drumsticks to the side. “Because I’ve really got to run.”
“Hot date?” Castiel teased her brother.
“Indeed. Me and the other alkies in a church basement, getting it on with our issues. Always fun.”
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I’m incredibly proud of you. You’re doing so well.”
For once, he dropped his sarcastic veneer. “You too, Cassy. Geez, look at us now, huh?”
Castiel had to agree. It was amazing how quickly everything had started to go right. Balthazar had turned up at Deanna’s place no more than five minutes after the press had cleared out, toting a duffel bag and asking where he was meant to sleep. Gabriel had followed him through the door, declaring that if the two of them thought he was sticking around in the funhouse with just Michael and Uriel for company they both had another thing coming. Once Castiel’s phone had finally stopped ringing with requests for interviews and offers of representation, Anna had managed to get through. Her sister had flown home the next weekend. And with so much of the band back together it had only made sense to pick up their instruments and make a little music.
They’d played only a few shows at the Roadhouse before they’d been approached by Bobby Singer. The older man might have looked like the exact embodiment of Joe Average, but he knew the music business so well that he made Zachariah look like a neophyte. Their schedule had been packed ever since, and Castiel sensed that a new recording contract must be just around the corner.
They were taking this weekend off, however. They had family business to attend to.
“Remember to get up early if you want to come tomorrow”, Deanna reminded the group. “I want to beat the traffic.”
“I’m definitely in”, Gabriel called over. “Mmm, Sam.”
Castiel rolled her eyes. “He’s straight, Gabe.”
“Whatever”, Gabriel scoffed. “You thought I was straight. I thought you were straight. I’m going to believe I’ve got a chance until proven otherwise.”
The first thing Castiel had done once the money started coming in again was offer Sam a loan. That, combined with the Winchester’s own savings and his scholarship money, was enough for him to resume his studies.
Castiel knew Deanna missed her brother a lot, but Sam had never wanted to be a musician and Deanna was really big on not forcing people into roles that didn’t fit them. Sam was thrilled to be back at school and constantly joked that he’d represent them as soon as fame went to their heads and they started committing all kinds of indictable offenses.
Deanna wrapped her arms around Castiel’s waist from behind and nuzzled into her neck. Castiel twisted around for a kiss, amazed that after so many months just being able to touch Deanna whenever she liked still thrilled her like nothing else.
Deanna said it wasn’t amazing at all. She claimed that she was very thrilling. Castiel had to agree.
“So, since we’re finishing early, can I interest you in an in depth tour of our bed?”
Castiel laughed. “I thought you just said we were leaving early. Don’t you need to sleep?”
“Good point”, Deanna agreed cheerfully. “So the tour starts right now.” She darted towards the stairs. “Come on, Cas.”
Castiel shook her head and happily followed Deanna’s lead.
