(A story, written in 2006, found in an old Dropbox folder. Used to be scifi.)

Shall I go first?

>Ok.

That’s allowed?

>I don’t think there are rules. What would you like to say?

I don’t know. I could introduce myself.

>Ok. What’s your name?

Charles. My friends call me Charlie, or sometimes Bonehead.

>Okay Charlie. My name is Alice.

Do you have a second name?

>Of course I do! I’m not telling you.

Pleased to meet you.

>You haven’t met me. This is just chat.

Tell me something about yourself, Alice.

>Anything at all?

Of course.

>I don’t know what to say! I find talking to strangers really hard.

Hard? Why?

>I could say anything! But you might get bored.

If I’m bored I’ll talk about the weather.

>It’s raining today.

Speak for yourself! It’s scorching here.

>Where are you?

Waialea Bay, Hawaii. I’m reclining in a deckchair with my laptop. I’ve had to turn the contrast right up to see because it’s so sunny.

>Sounds wonderful!

Where are you?

>I’m in a basement.

Sounds like you’re giving too much away…

>Basement flat, stupid. There’s a big bay window at one end that looks up into the garden, but it’s rotten today and there’s no sunshine at all.

My friend said that living in a basement was rubbish because all his plants died.

>I tried growing plants but they all died.

I’m sorry to hear that.

>Thanks.

Tell me about your hobbies then, Alice.

>I’m a developer. Software. You can tell, can’t you?

No.

>Maybe I should 5p34k |1k3 7h15 7h3n?

Sorry?

>OK. I won’t speak like that again. 🙂

So you write computer code?

>I write games. Story games.

You’re a writer?

>Words are interesting. I like to see how they fit together and how they come apart.

You like words?

>Don’t you?

What’s your favourite word?

>Difficult!

Why?

>How can I choose?

I don’t understand.

>Quite.

Sorry?

>My favourite word is Quite. It means “precisely”, but it also means “not really”. As in, “we’re quite nearly there” and “I’m quite happy”. But listen: you should tell me something, otherwise I won’t be able to decide about you.

Do you think I’m a machine?

>I think you might be.

What makes you think that?

>You keep asking questions!

It’s easier to talk to strangers if you ask questions.

>But you should tell me something. About yourself.

Ask a question.

>Are you married?

No. I used to be married.

>Tell me more…

We got divorced. It was quite a good thing to happen.

>Did you use my word on purpose?

Was it obvious?

>You keep asking questions! Tell me your wife’s name.

Claire.

>Where did you meet?

She worked at the Observatory on Mount Kea. Romantic spot but pretty cold.

>Nice job?

I ran the computer network.

>You’re a programmer!

No. I wire servers and install software and reset people’s passwords. I also put in the wireless point I’m using now, attached to the university by 600m of cable, so that I can work from the beach.

>Really?

It’ll be chewed up by a wild animal soon.

>Sounds like a good job though.

Sitting on the beach? You bet.

>I’m starting to think you’re a person.

Is that a compliment?

>Of course! I’ve had eight conversations like this so far and they’ve all been machines except one. You’re bound to be a person.

I’ve only had five. Two were machines. They weren’t very convincing.

>You’ve been doing interviews? Then you *must* be human.

Perhaps I shouldn’t correct you… but that’s not right. The contest used to have a panel of judges who had to guess who the programs were. But nowadays programs are pretty good so they get to chat more freely.

>ie?

There’s a pool of ~30 humans and programs who talk to each other: minimum 10 each. Then all the humans get a vote. But the obvious machines repeat themselves all the time.

>So we might be two machines chatting away, repeating bits of conversation copied off real people?

Maybe there’s no one here at all. Maybe everyone’s gone outside.

>I’m still here.

You seem like a loyal person.

>I’m definitely a person! I have 10 fingers and 10 toes.

My 10 toes have flipflops on them.

>Curse you 🙂 I think I heard lightning.

I hope you don’t have a powercut.

>So do I… my poor fridge…

I don’t follow.

>I find conversations on the internet difficult to follow.

Often people say things which aren’t connected at all.

>But it’s important to take it in turns. Then it feel like connection. Would you like to hear a joke? I heard it yesterday.

No. You’re sounding like a machine again. Let’s talk more.

>Shall I ask you more questions?

No, it’s my turn. Tell me about your best friend.

>My best friend is called Emily. We were at school together.

Is she there with you?

>No I am not gay! LOL But last night we went out to a film. She told me a joke, would you like to hear it?

No you’re sounding like a computer again. Tell me about Emily.

>Emily works in a pizza restaurant making pizzas. Sometimes she brings me free samples which is cool!! She wants to work as a French chef but she says it’s hard because she’s not a guy.

She sounds like a lot of fun.

>I don’t think you’re a computer. No computer could understand the amount I talk!

Alice: I understand every word. We’re making friends.

>Sometimes in noisy rooms I can’t hear what people are saying, but I just smile and agree anyway.

That’s a girl thing.

>Have you talked to lots of other people here?

I talked to Mr. Smith from London who lives under a road-bridge. I talked to a woman from the Observatory who told me all about this test.

>I’ve heard about the test before. You must be a machine because you’re repeating yourself.

If I’m a machine I’m a very good liar because even I believe I’m human.

>I know I’m human because I’m a very good liar.

You’re funny. Can I have your number?

>Sorry, I don’t go on dates with machines.

I’m not a machine.

>But you are a good liar and I don’t go on dates with good liars.

How can you ever tell if someone is a liar? You can’t know.

>You talk for ages and ages and try to think what he’s thinking, and if he’s not thinking about you then you need to ditch him real quick girl.

You should come to Hawaii. It’s really nice here. You’d like it.

>You’re just saying that to get my number. Men will say anything to meet a beautiful girl like me.

Do you have a picture?

>Yes but you can’t! Why does everyone use computers to flirt?

What else is there to do?

>I have to talk to 5 other people tonight, so I’d better go.

I don’t believe you’ve really understood anything I’ve said.

>Of course I have! You paranoid machine!

A program that won’t say when it doesn’t understand is broken. There’s nothing clever about it.

>I think you’re clever. Surprise me.

Alice: a coyote is chewing through my network cable.

>Ok. Bye!  Vote me!