I'm not depressed anymore. I'm, in fact, happy. Very, very happy. Rarely stressed, caught up on things, even in a healthy relationship.
I'm roughly the same weight--not sure, exactly, since I don't have scales--but eating more. Still a size 0 or a small 3, maybe. The 00s aren't fitting perfectly, esp. the teal skirt. Oh. The khaki size 0 skirt was a bit too tight on Sunday after lunch.
Chris told me he loved me on Friday night. I told him I loved him, too. Uphill from there. Tells me I'm beautiful like every 15 minutes at the longest... tells me he loves me, he likes me, he likes being with me... ALL the time. "gorgeous", "amazing", "incredible"... etc. I think he loves me more than I love him, though... which will probably even out in time.
Less than a month ago, Chris was warning me that he couldn't promise anything, since he couldn't plan his life around a girlfriend since he'd "done that before" and he was still recovering from it... but this past weekend, he said he'd be willing to stick around for another couple years as an assistant debate coach, if the debate team holds together and if they want him. Which is very flattering, since he doesn't much like Alabama and was previously looking forward to leaving, but he likes me better than he dislikes the idea of remaining here. W00T!
Monday was bad. But I got an extension on a paper. Monday afternoon was increasingly good. Tuesday was better. Wednesday, I felt scared & alone, but I ate enough, and I stayed with Joy all day. Thursday was okay, and I was singing; I went to the writing center and got a good idea of my paper.
This morning, I woke up and my dad & Mimi were coming to get Maggie for the weekend so I could write my paper. I went to class, came home and saw Maggie off, then ran to the writing center. I got there at 12:30 and walked out with a thesis by 12:52; my professor said the thesis "Looks good!" and nothing more.
I went to the math lab to do a homework and a quiz, and I thought my deadline was 4, but it was 6. About 3:45, I put on Shakira on Youtube and listened to music... I got done a lot faster that way, for one, because my pen flew faster with the beat of the music, for another because I wasn't distracted by anything else.
Tonight is Anna's birthday dinner... potluck. Then I'm going out drinking with Jessica and her fiance's "crazy friends." I've picked out my sheer aqua halter and my 00 teal skirt. Tomorrow, I'll start work on the paper and hopefully finish the same day; if so, there's a party at Josh and Ryan's that I'll be attending. If it's not done, but I'm making progress, I'll skip the party; if I'm not making progress, I'll head over to Anna's and get some help, maybe. Sunday I have a psychiatrist's appt. and potentially, another hour at the writing center, but we'll see.
I think I'm going to start hosting dinner parties after church.
This morning I was not in a good place emotionally. Last night I had the urge to disappear, to run away, to leave all my responsibilities.
I got an extension from my teacher and went to lunch with a few friends, although I didn't eat, and I tried not to even look Russell in the eye. I got 100% on a math test, and sat in the sun afterwards, and felt a lot better. I took Maggie around campus for almost 2 hours; we ate at school.
You're a vegan vixen! You use your good looks and body to encourage people to go veg. You're probably a little perky and a little adventurous. You may have tofu-wrestled, worn a lettuce bra, or are about to do one of the two! If you're a guy, consider yourself a virile vegan (vixen generally refers to women...). Though you may have feminist beliefs, it's fine to use sexual attraction to get people to stop eating animals. More on www.goveg.com
I went to the library to study, and ended up not studying, but chatting with erebrandir, and checking out a book. I went to the cafeteria, and ended up seeing my friends, but not eating with them; in fact, not having been invited (although now that I'm calm and logical, I'm sure it was just an oversight, at worst) made me break down crying and completely lose my appetite. Crying, I callederebrandir, who lent an understanding ear and gave me some insightful perspective. Still crying, I went to my apartment, which I dislike, but instead of looking for food there, a futile pursuit, I took some more medicine, picked up my checkbook, and quickly left. I went to buy a single entree at a grocery store, but instead of buying one microwave dinner, I bought groceries. $47 worth of groceries, all of which, I'm proud to say, were vegan.
My car broke down yesterday, at 2. Fortunately, Russell, Chris Campbell and Justin Hicks were there, to help me try to fix it, and a police officer stopped and asked if I needed help. At 4 we finally realized that no, it wasn't starting, and no, we couldn't get it fixed that day. So it was left at the Chevron where it quit running. This morning Russell and I followed it to the place to get repaired. There was a sign for a bike, a 10 speed red women's Schwinn in new condition, for $50. I told the woman selling it that I'd buy it, and she said she could bring it in the next day.
At 10, I bought a doppio espresso, which made me hyper (overtalkative) all day. At 11, Gina from Italian and I ate, she a wrap and I a salad (spinach, cucumber, cherry tomato, red onion, crackers, and fatfree raspberry vinaigrette; the dressing was listed as 40 calories), and her friend Lindsay, who wasn't feeling well, sat with us and ate crackers. At noon, Gina and I left and did about 1 1/2 hours of studying, including Tema 1. We walked to Lindsay's house, where Gina's car was parked, and went by Mugshots because Gina thought that there might be a job for me. The man who was supposedly hiring, Cary, would be there in 2 hours.
Gina decided to take a nap in the meantime and take me back at 4:30; but in the process of getting Maggie's carseat, during which Lindsay was driving Gina's car, we stopped at Schlotsky's to get a pizza for me; Mediterranean, of which I ate all. It's listed online as 560 calories, 20 grams of fat, 21 grams of protein, 74 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar and 85 mg of cholesterol. Coming out, Lindsay misjudged the traffic, and was hit. The police officer from yesterday responded to the call, with a colleague, and recognized me almost immediately. Neither car was badly damaged, except that Gina's front fender will need to be replaced.
After the police officers let us go (without a ticket except for driving without insurance, which can be waived by Lindsay's insurance at the court house), we went by Mugshots again, where we learned that the last server position had just been filled. But Cary assured me that positions would likely be open quickly, and asked Gina to keep asking when a spot would come open.
Gina and Lindsay and I picked up Maggie; they were thrilled with her from the beginning. We went to their friends' house, where 6 men live, including Brian, Andrew, and Robby. There were other house mates and two girls there too, whose name I didn't catch. Then Gina, Lindsay and I packed Maggie in the car, to go to Crimson Cafe. Maggie needed to poop, so I went to Publix to buy extra diapers. Chris Jackson and his good friend and house mate, named Wilson, I think, were there, as was Stephanie who is apparently close to Gina and Lindsay.
Throughout the day, Gina especially and Lindsay to some extent referred to me, in my presence, as though I would be a regular addition in the future, which made me feel very included and befriended, to the extent that I almost felt wanted. Also they effusively offered babysitting numerous times.
At 7:15 I was taken home, and Gina agreed to pick me up in the morning (as Russell can't). Maggie was pretty darned tired but it took over two hours to get her to bed, partly because I'm so tired right now and time is slipping through my fingers. I got online and saw a thing about metabolism (including the idea that it takes 6 months to raise a lethargic metabolism); after it, scared, I ate a granola bar, 140 calories and a piece of chocolate, 200 calories.
Yesterday I ate nothing for breakfast, drank green tea, had a bleu cheese garden salad, listed online as 256 calories, with part of one out of two bleu cheese dressing packets provided from Zaxby's, listed as 200 calories, (in order to socialize without seeming odd), and the texas toast on the side, listed as 144 calories, and some of the fries from Maggie's order of them. The fries are almost 600 calories for a whole serving but I didn't eat anywhere near a whole serving. At home, I think I ate two pieces of my own whole wheat toast at 50 calories each, a whole mashed avocado on top of that bread for another hundred; and almost half of a piece of 200 calorie chocolate as I was in the tub. God, I ate a lot yesterday, (over 800 for sure). And today... (at least 940 calories; the chocolate was wholly unnecessary.)
Tomorrow I intend to eat cereal and soymilk for breakfast, to attempt to stave off this unnatural hunger.
I'll put all my clothes away where they should be. I'll wash my bedsheets. I'll finish painting my dresser. I'll continue taking my multivitamin. I'll play with my daughter. I'll go to church. I won't cry over Christopher's absence today. I'll clean my daughter's room. I'll drink 12 oz of water before I eat if I'm hungry. I'll enjoy black coffee. I won't look Russell in the eye. I'll make friends with sophomores, not hide with the seniors. I'll paint my bedroom this week. I'll paint my bathroom next week. I'll paint my daughter's room the week after. I'll pick a color for my living/dining room. I'll keep the floor clean, even if my daughter leaves her toys out. I'll eat something every few hours. I'll respect my metabolism. I'll run hard tomorrow. I'll buy running clothes. I'll sort out the clothes that don't fit me. I'll sort out the clothes that don't fit my daughter. I'll get rid of any clothes that don't fit us. I'll give my daughter a bath more. I'll put up more decorations. I'll buy picture frames. I'll make this apartment a home, enough to stay another year. I'll read more books. I'll enjoy the sunrises. I'll take more time with my planner and miss fewer appointments. I'll try not to be so frustrated when I do miss appointments. I'll brush my teeth every time I eat. I'll shower every time I sweat. I won't eat meat, fish, or cheese. I'll keep track of my calories. I'll never weigh more than 120 lbs ever again. I'll exercise at least three days a week. I won't pick at sores or scratch bugbites. I'll get a job. I'll make a life for myself out of the scraps I have. I won't be forgotten by history. I'll smile at everyone I see no matter how I feel. I'll start memorizing birthdays. I WILL have more political involvement. I'll work on my career. I'll remember that I'm young, as far as politics go. I'll do my homework the day it's assigned, rather than the day it's due. I'll read class books ahead of time. I'll read at least a book a week for my own edification. I'll study my notes. I'll translate things into Italian. I won't cry over Christopher's lack of commitment. I'll finish Jefferson's biography. I'll read the Bible a little bit. I'll be thankful for what I have. I'll be gracious about what I receive. I'll write that philosophy paper finally, to finish that class. I'll take the classes I need so that I can apply to medical school. I'll watch less TV. I'll buy more books. I'll buy more music. I'll work hard. I'll get a good job. I'll buy a house. I'll drive a new car off the lot. I'll build my dream house someday. I'll make love to Christopher. I'll complain less. I'll appreciate more. I'll love harder and cry softer. I'll give myself more to be proud of. I'll give myself a break from perfectionism once in a while. I'll be proud of myself when I have something to be proud of. I'll write a song every day, no matter how bad it is, just for practice. I'll keep more promises.
Tags: promises Current Mood: discontent Current Music: "Don't Bother", Shakira
Last night, I made a post to a different journal, which is moderated differently. I had meant to copy it here this morning. Apparently they didn't like it, and it's gone. maybe it was the very brief sex mention. And maybe I'm just crazy enough that I deleted it and forgot.
This morning I re-read Brave New World. Then this afternoon, I got sick of my dresser and decided to paint it, and when I found the white paint I decided to paint the whole thing white. Without bothering to clean it out, I started painting. One of the drawers and most of the mirror part are now fairly white (I had a very small art brush so it didn't go fast).
Today I ate half an avocado (100), two pieces of toast (100), a few cashews (~50) 2 glasses of jasmine tea (0), and part of a container of yogurt (~100/170).
I sliced a cantaloupe and tried to get my toddler to eat it, and had one bite of it in the process. Then I made butter beans and opened some calorie heavy bread and carefully ignored them. It's almost 7 and I think if I can ignore that bread and those beans, I'm set for the day.
So, a minute ago, Christopher called me. He asked how I was and what I was doing... sheepishly I told him that I was cold because I'd run through a fountain and hadn't put on dry clothes after I took the wet ones off, and that I was reading about vampires because I'd been online and went through a set of links: I'd looked up Archer Farms, a brand of TargetCorp, and noticed a blog about Target's line of coffee pods. On that blog, I saw a joke about Pepsi and milk (referring to milk and coffee). I looked up Pepsi and found Crystal Pepsi, which had bombed. Homer Simpson parodied that with Crystal Buzz. Maggie Simpson led to Matt Groenig which led to Futurama, from which I saw a character named Spargel. Spargel is the German name for asparagus, and asparagus belongs to the same genus as tomatoes and potatoes, Solanum... which led, eventually, to The Ultimate Zombie Handbook. Although solanum is merely a genus and it's solanine in green potatoes, which is deadly....
He told me he has to pass a piano proficiency test tomorrow in order to stay in school. He said it'd be between 3:30 and 5, and he asked me to pray for him, which I said I'd do.
He asked if my place was clean and I said it looks "as terrible as always" and explained that it's because I don't like it here. He said "rearrange your furniture" and when I said I did every month, he then comforted me with "It won't always be like this." I was reminded that I went to the pre-med honor society yesterday evening, and told him... whereupon he asked how I'd fit in being a lawyer and a doctor and the President... then somehow we got to Hillary and Barack's ages... 60 and 46 respectively.
He said he likes my voice, that he liked hearing me laugh Saturday with my sister. I told him that my sister said I needed to gain a few pounds, and he went through describing exactly which parts of my body DIDN'T need more weight... which was pretty much all of them. "Your ass is fat and your stomach is flat..." in a complimentary tone. Speaking of tone, he did mention that I could tone up, and I said that I went running Monday and Friday, which I later looked up and it turned up to be 4.8 miles.
Upon reiterating that he wanted me to pray for him tomorrow, and mentioning that he called because he wanted to hear my voice, he bid me good night... and I think I heard him say "my love" at the end. He said something. I didn't really hear. Maybe it's my own imagination that made me think it was "my love". His traditional parting word is "peace."
happy
melancholy
giddy
