Refused Communion

 

Someone wrote to my office ([email protected]) saying that they attended a Catholic wedding recently and just before Communion the priest said that non-Catholics should not take Communion but can have a blessing instead. That person was hurt by this and wrote to me about it.

Let me explain.

Catholics believe that when we take Holy Communion it is actually the body and blood of Jesus that we take. It is the real presence of Christ in the Communion that we take. Some Catholics have difficulty in believing this; but let us park this aside for a while.

Catholics take their teaching from the Gospel of John Chapter 6 where Jesus says that unless we eat His flesh and drink His blood we will not have eternal life. (John 6:51-58).

Jesus says this several times, so much so that some of His listeners decided not to follow Him any more and they left. Jesus did not stop them. He did not call them back and tried to explain saying it was all a figure of speech or symbolism. In fact, He also asked the twelve Disciples, "And you - would you also like to leave?"

Also, at the Last Supper, Jesus repeats His claim that Communion is His body and blood.

So, was the priest wrong to ask non-Catholics not to take Communion?

As already mentioned, Catholics believe that the total substance of bread and wine are changed into the substance of the body and blood of Christ at the moment of Consecration during Mass. That is to say, the bread and wine taken at Communion are no longer such but they are the body and blood of Christ. 

Before giving Communion the priest says "The Body of Christ ... The Blood of Christ"; and the individual responds "Amen" - meaning I agree.

It would be wrong, therefore, for a non-Catholic to say "Amen" when in their heart they do not agree and believe it is all symbolism. How would God view that individual? In a way, the priest is "protecting" that individual from being un-truthful to the Lord. By denying Communion the Catholic Church is not excluding an individual for not being Catholic, but it is aiming to re-affirm their true belief in the eyes of God.

What about me? What do I believe? 

Here's what I think. 

That event was important enough for John to record it in details. He underlines the fact that Jesus repeated His claim more than once; and John also points out that some people could not accept what Jesus said and left.

Had I been there that day, would I too have left or would I have accepted Christ's Word for what it is? I honestly do not know what I would have done.

But what about today; so many years later? I honestly accept what Jesus said for what it is. I do not understand it but I believe it because it is recorded that He said it. Call me a coward if you wish. Believing just as an insurance policy. I guess when I meet Jesus one day I'll say, "I tried to believe as best as I could within the limitations of my intellect".

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Nobody's child

“Father we’ve got Tom home at last …” said the voice at the end of the phone, “we’d be ever so pleased if you could come and meet him some time today … we could also discuss the Baptism arrangements …”

Father Ignatius put the phone back on its cradle and praised the Lord for answering long standing desperate prayers.

The call was from Gerry Hedge. He and his wife had been planning to start a family for many years. They’d been for several medical tests both at the local hospital and at a specialist hospital in London and had seen several consultants and various doctors over the years. They had even traveled abroad for special medical treatment and tests but finally they had to accept that they could not have children.

After the heartache and hurt slowly died down they decided to adopt instead. But even that was an event fraught with many difficulties. The Authorities made them jump through many bureaucratic hoops and checked and double-checked every aspect of their lives, relations and friends. They checked their annual income, future prospects, suitability for adoption, housing standards and so on and so forth for an interminable period of time.

Father Ignatius was asked to act as a character referee for the couple and he was interviewed in no fewer than three separate occasions.

And at last … at long last … they had managed to legally adopt little Tom and they had now brought him home.

Their joy was immeasurable and little Tom would indeed be loved as no child has ever been loved before …

Father Ignatius left his office and rushed to the local shops to buy a little present for the new child in the Hedge’s household.

And that evening he was indeed well pleased and honored to visit the happy couple and be the first to meet their new son and to discuss the forthcoming Baptism arrangements.

As he parked his old car next to the sparkling new top of the range model currently driven by Gerry Hedge, Father Ignatius stopped for a while to admire the view.

He’d been to their mansion in the countryside many times, and had indeed enjoyed their lavish hospitality on several occasions, but surely never had he visited them for such a joyous and happy event as this time.

He walked slowly up the graveled path towards the front door and rang the bell. Moments later the door was opened by Stuart the butler who led him to the main living room.

Lana and Gerry Hedge greeted him warmly as he sat down in his usual armchair.

Little Tom was sitting on the floor facing the TV and listening intently. He was about one year old with light blond hair and the most beautiful face you could imagine.

Father Ignatius leaned a little forward in his armchair and handed Tom a little package containing his present, “Hello Tom … look what I got for you …” he said in his gentle soothing voice.

The little boy did not react whatsoever and continued staring at the TV set.

“He can’t see you Father …” said Lana calmly.

Father Ignatius was taken aback at what he’d just heard and moved backwards in his chair still holding the package and looking at Lana in puzzlement.

“He is blind Father … he’s born blind … something to do with his mother’s addictions …” continued Lana calmly.

“I see …” said the priest, and quickly bit his lip at the inappropriateness of what he’d just said.

“He’s been at the adoption society since he was born … and no one had ever even bothered to consider him …” said Lana.

Gerry Hedge sat in the sofa saying nothing. Lana continued.

“I fell in love with him the moment I saw him …” she said, “even though the staff at the adoption society tried to discourage us … saying that he’ll require a lot of care and attention …”

“We’ll make damn sure he gets all the care and attention he needs …” declared Gerry sitting beside her, “he’ll go short of nothing I assure you Father … we’ll make sure of that … mark my word!”

“I am sure you are right …” said Father Ignatius “and I look forward to having him as one of the Altar servers in due course …”

“Ah … but first we must discuss the Baptism arrangements …” said Gerry standing up, “now what will it be Father … a glass of French Champagne or the best 12 years old single malt whisky to ever leave Scotland?”

 

MORE FATHER IGNATIUS STORIES HERE

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The Oven-U-Wear

A friend of mine is quite an inventor and has now developed Oven-U-Wear.^TM

As the name implies, this is an oven which you wear.

Or, to be more precise, it is a jacket or overcoat which acts like an oven. It has many pockets, both on the inside and outside, and through a battery operated system it heats up each pocket individually to the temperature you desire.

For example, you could be on your way to work with a potato in each armpit cooking gently. By lunchtime, hey presto ... baked potatoes!

Or, on your way home after a hard day's work you could be carrying a chicken on your back roasting gently, whilst the vegetables are in your side pocket and a cake up your sleeve! Once you're home you can sit down to a hot meal in seconds!

In the morning you can eat your porridge from your pocket whilst travelling on the bus or train. And have toast popping out of your collar straight into your mouth. Delicious with some honey or jam which you'll keep in your trousers which act as a refrigerator.

The problem with the trousers is that I have now grown icicles where I really don't want them!

And when they defrost I have a rather embarrassing tell-tale patch at the front of my trousers. Not to mention a cold wet bottom when I sit down.

The other problem I found is that with a roasting chicken on my back I am usually followed by a pack of dogs salivating at the mouth. 

In winter I am nice and warm at the top of my body with my oven jacket, and freezing my un-mentionables underneath with a fridge in my pants. Whereas in summer I am over-heating my head whilst my manhood is rather cool.

All in all, whilst this invention is rather cool, (modern slang meaning good, great, fantastic); in reality it needs a few more refinements.

The other day a short circuit sent an electric shock up my backside and my hat flew off !!!

THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM 

"SPEAKING FROM MY SOCK" 

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I burnt her frilly underwear

 

There were six of us sharing a large apartment. We were young. We had parties every weekend. We had joy, we had fun.We had seasons in the sun. But the hills that we climbed; were just seasons out of time. Whatever that means.

Anyway, one weekend we played HOT or COLD. I don't know if you're familiar with the game. One person hides something, and the others try to find it. If they get near the item you say warm, luke warm, hot and so on until they find it. If they're away from the item you say cold, colder and so on.

We'd been drinking. We were happy and perhaps light-headed. It was my turn to hide an item. One of the girls thought it would be a great laugh to hide her underpants!

Whilst they all had their eyes closed, I sneaked into the kitchen and put the pants in the oven.

They were useless at finding them. They were miles away. Might as well be in the next country or continent. I kept saying, "Cold ... Colder ... Even more colder ... Coldest ... Freezing ... Polar Regions Freezing Temperature!" But they could not find the girl's undergarment.

Then there was a funny smell from the kitchen. And black smoke. The smoke alarm went on shrieking.

How was I to know that someone had put something in the oven to bake?

I know you're blaming me right now!

I doubt the owner of the pants ever forgave me. They were sheer delicate see-through. She had bought them for her boy friend ... Not for her boy friend to wear ... For her to wear and ...

Oh go on ... blame me as usual.

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Who is God?

 

Who is God? 

In most peoples' imagination, God is an old man with a beard, wearing a toga or similar garment as they did in ancient Rome or Greece, and sitting on a throne on a cloud somewhere.

This is because that's how the painters of masterpieces portrayed Him. No doubt taking their clue from Genesis 1:27 where it says: "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."

We, being humans, and perhaps somewhat arrogant, interpreted this to mean that if we look humans then it follows that God looks human too. And if He has always existed, (A Ω - Alpha and Omega - Jesus says, "I am the Alpha and the Omega" in the Book of Revelation, specifically in Revelation 1:8, 21:6 and 22:13. In this text, Jesus identifies Himself as the first and last letters of the Greek alphabet, symbolizing that He is the beginning and the end, and eternally exists as the Almighty); therefore it follows that He is old and has a beard. 

In reality, the quotation from Genesis 1:27 does not mean that God looks like a human. It means humans were created with a unique likeness to God in their moral, spiritual, and intellectual nature, not in physical form. This likeness is often interpreted as the capacity for reason, creativity, free will, and a spiritual dimension.

The last bit is important - "spiritual dimension".

What this means is that God is a spirit. (And so are we - but more of this later).

There is around us an invisible spiritual world which we cannot see. It is inhabited by invisible spiritual living "beings" whom we call spirits. For example angels; they are invisible spirits. Also the souls of people who have departed before us.  

We are both visible in human form and invisible in our spiritual form - our soul.

As C S Lewis described it: You don't have a soul. You are a soul; you have a body.

God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are invisible living spirits in this spiritual world that exists around us.

And of course, so is Satan and his demons. Remember, Satan was an angel who rebelled against God.

So, having established that God is a living spirit, we ask the question again: Who is God?

Jesus described God as His Father, and our Father. He is a loving, omnipotent, all-knowing, creator God, Who created the universe and all that is in it, including us humans. His desire is that we all, having lived for a period here on earth, would return to Him and live with Him for eternity in Heaven. That is to say, our soul, once the body we have has perished at death, would keep on living for eternity in Heaven.

The invitation to go to Heaven is open for all of us. We need to respond to it. (RSVP).

God wishes us to make the conscious decision to go to Heaven once our body dies. He has given us the free will to make that decision for ourselves without any force or coercion whatsoever. 

No one goes to Heaven against their will.

How does one go to Heaven?

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21.

"For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day." John 6:40.

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Much Ado About Pants

 

I was at a posh hotel preparing to give an important speech to a group of managers about our budget plans and future forecasts. I was the last speaker at the Conference as everyone was ready to leave.

I was in my hotel room getting dressed in my best suit ready to face my audience. As I put my leg in the trousers my foot somehow caught the inner turn-up of the trousers and tore into the stitching. The trousers were not torn but obviously with the turn-ups loose one trouser leg was now much longer than the other.

How can I fix it in such a short time? 

 

Needle and thread … that’s what I need. What’s the use? I wouldn’t know what to do if I had any anyway.

What else can I use? Pins … must find some pins … there aren’t any anywhere.

How about paper clips? I have some in my briefcase … no … they don’t hold the turn-ups very well. 

What if I use the sticky-tape to tape the turn-up back in place? It doesn’t hold very well. It falls down again. 

Aha … my stapler!!! I can staple the turn up back in place.

I raise my foot on the chair and click … click … click … click … a few staples later and the turn-ups are back in place. 

I go to the basin to wash my hands.

As I open the faucet the water rushes into the basin, swivels round at speed, and splashes all over the front of my trousers with embarrassing results.

I can hardly stand in front of all these people giving the impression that I have been caught short? 

I try desperately to dry the trousers with a towel but the large stain on my front is still clearly visible.

Even if I button up my jacket the wet stain is still there for all to notice.

Aha … I remember seeing a hair-dryer in one of the drawers.

Plug it in … stand in front of the mirror and blow hot air on the stain. Hopefully it will dry quickly and in time for me to go and give my speech.

Wow … this hair-dryer is hot!!!

And noisy too!!!

So noisy that I did not hear the hotel maid knocking at the door and entering the room.

She is standing there behind me watching as I get forever hotter. One can only imagine what she’s thinking.

“Eh … my trousers …” I mumble, “they’re wet … I’m trying to dry them … I got them wet with water … from the basin …” 

 

“I understand Sir,” she replies with a smile, “have you tried the trouser-press? If you fold the trousers in here the heat will soon dry the … water.”

I did not like the pause before she said “water”. She’s got the situation all wrong.

She pulls out the trouser-press from its compartment and switches it on. “It is ready now Sir!” she says with a smile.

“Eh … I think it is better if you now leave,” I mumble again, “I’ll take it from here!”

“Of course Sir!” she smiles broadly as she leaves the room.

I try to take the trousers off in a hurry … drat … why is this stupid trouser leg stuck? 

 

I nearly tripped standing on one leg and fell back on the bed … drat and double drat … the leg turn-up is stapled to my sock … 

 

How did I staple the trousers to the sock whilst I’m still wearing it? Would you believe it? 

Too late to untangle it! I took off the trousers and sock and put them in the trouser press.

Whilst standing there another maid comes in without knocking to clean the room.

 

"Sorry Sir, I thought you had already checked out of the hotel!" she says as she leaves. 

I open the press and put the trousers back on in a hurry … GEEEEEEE … that is HOT!!!!!

I hop from foot to foot wandering whether I have done myself a mischief.

Later that afternoon whilst I was checking out at the hotel reception with my boss the chambermaid passes by and asks me “Did your trousers dry OK Sir?”

My boss looks at me with raised eyebrows and says nothing.

 

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Three Facts for Stubborn Minds

 

FACT 1    Heaven exists. Why? Because Jesus said so.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-14

The alternative would be to call Jesus a liar.

FACT 2    God's invitation to Heaven is for everyone. It is a FREE invitation. We do not have to work to go to Heaven. We do not go to Heaven through our own good deeds or good words. All we have to do is believe in God, obey and love Him, and believe that Jesus is His only Son who died for us.

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21.   

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

FACT 3     Some people do not believe in God. But they believe they are good people and eventually they'll get to Heaven. They wish they will get there some day.

This is faulty thinking. Heaven is not a world-class hotel where we go to live in luxury. We go to Heaven to be with Someone - God our Creator who longs for us to join Him for eternity.

If you do not believe in God you can hardly be in Heaven with someone you do not believe in. 

Also, you cannot "wish" your way to Heaven. 

And another thought: No one goes to Heaven against their will. No one is forced there. If you do not believe in God you have automatically excluded yourself from His invitation.

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A banana stole my bicycle

In town there is a pedestrianised street to allow people to shop and sight-see away from any vehicles and cycles. There are bollards at either end of the street to stop any vehicles from entering and signs asking cyclists to dismount whilst going through.

I leant my bicycle against one of those bollards and walked six feet or so towards the newspaper kiosk to buy a paper.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a banana appeared, rode my bike and cycled at speed up the pedestrianised street.

I chased after it to the shouts of the paper vendor screaming: "Hey ... come back ... you haven't paid for your paper!"

The vendor's assistant got out of the kiosk and chased after me.

There we were ... banana on a bicycle chased by me being chased by the paper assistant. At one stage I believe a small dog got away from its owner and chased after us too barking like mad.

The shoppers moved aside like the parting of the Red Sea for Moses and let us run down the middle of the street. What a sight it was ... chasing a banana on a bicycle!

I suspect the public thought it was some "flash mob" type stunt; so they stopped to see what would happen next. At the time I was wearing my usual green cowboy hat with a feather on the side, turquoise shirt and red tartan trousers. I heard someone say: "It's a Candid Camera stunt! Look how this idiot is dressed!"

I could have stopped and took umbrage at being called an idiot; but my desire to recover my bicycle exceeded my taking offence at the insult. So I kept running as fast as my little legs and rotund figure could manage.

I nearly caught up with the cycling banana and at one stage almost caught him ... her ... it ... What gender is a banana anyway? But it was too slippery and gave me the slip.

Eventually I ran out of stamina or energy or whatever it is people run out of when they can run no more. I stopped; huffing and puffing and struggling for breath.

The paper boy caught up with me and started arguing. A policeman appeared out of nowhere. I tried to explain that a banana stole my bicycle. The policeman asked me if I'd been drinking and why I was dressed as a clown. The paper boy accused me of stealing a newspaper, which technically was correct, although there were proper extenuating circumstances.

As we were all talking at the same time and no one was listening there was a voice over a loudspeaker booming "Cut ... cut ..."

We looked round and there was a small crowd of people with cameras, lights, microphones and all the paraphernalia used when shooting a film. The public watching all this suddenly started applauding and whistling their appreciation.

Apparently, some film crew were making a short TV commercial for a new fruit shop which opens shortly in town. The banana man was meant to pick up a bike from the bollard point and cycle up the street to introduce the advert. He inadvertently took my cycle by mistake, and my chasing after him ruined the whole shoot.

I paid the paper boy and got my bicycle back.

The icing on the un-wanted cake was when a small group of people asked me for my autograph thinking I was part of the whole ridiculous show.

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At the Doctor's

 

I had to go to the Doctor's a few days ago. He was not well, and our Saint Vincent Group in Church encourages us to visit the sick; so I had to go.

I waited in his waiting room and shared germs with all the other people there.

Whilst waiting there I saw an old man standing in the corner. No one offered him a seat. He was almost bent double with the weight of his years pressing on his shoulders. He stood looking down at his feet and steadying himself on his walking stick which he used to keep his balance. I was about to ask the nun sitting next to him to give up her seat, when the man's name was called over the loud-speaker.

He walked slowly, still bent down like the hunchback of Notre Dame, and shuffled his way out of the room and into the doctor's insulting room.

Moments later he came back standing upright and walking much happier with a step in his stride. Everyone was amazed at his recovery. It's a miracle; some said. But he explained, "No, it's not a miracle; the doctor gave me a longer walking stick!"

It was the nun's turn to go and see the doctor. Ten minutes later she came out of the insulting room crying her heart out. The other patients tried to comfort her. I was concerned in case she'd heard some terrible health news. Before I spoke to her my name was called on the loudspeaker.

I asked the doctor why the nun came out crying. He said he'd told her she was pregnant. I asked him, "Is she really pregnant?" He replied, "No ... but it cured her hiccups!"

Before I sat down I noticed a pen on the floor. I picked it up and handed it to the doctor. "Is this yours?" I asked.

He scribbled something on his pad and then said, "Yep .... it's definitely mine!"

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, "It seems like an ordinary pen to me!"

"It's certainly my handwriting," he replied, "anyway ... how are you?" he asked, "I have not seen you for a while!"

"Oh ... I've not been well!" I said.

"But you must come and see me when you're not well," he said, "That's what doctors are for!"

"I didn't want to disturb you, doctor," I explained, "besides, I hear you've not been well yourself. That's why I'm here. The Saint Vincent people in church sent me to come and visit you. How are you?"

"He looked down as he sat there and said, "To be honest, my legs hurt. I think I've got water on my knees!"

"You're probably not aiming straight," I told him, "why not do it sitting down?"

"Also ..." he continued whispering, "my libido has gone!"

"Oh ... I got rid of my Italian car too," I said, "I now drive a Toyota!"

"Ever since it happened I feel hungry all the time," he went on.

I felt really sorry for him. I reached into my pocket, and gave him the solitary KFC leg I always have there for emergencies, and left without saying a word.

It's always charitable to visit the sick. Make sure you have some food in your pocket when you go!

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Thinking with my head

 

Those who run in front of cars get tired. Those who run behind cars get exhausted.

Those that stand on toilets are high on pot.

A man that keeps his feet firmly grounded… has trouble putting on his pants.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

A man who sinks into a woman’s arms… will soon find his arms in her sink.

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Those who jump off a cliff… jump to a conclusion.

It’s better to be without a book than to believe a book entirely.

Those who eat crackers in bed… will wake up feeling crummy.

A smile will gain you ten more years of life.

Those that get hit by a car… will get that run-down feeling.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.

He who pees on an electric fence… will receive shocking news.

A man who cannot tolerate small misfortunes can never accomplish great things.

Those that sneeze without a hanky… take matter into their own hands.

Behave toward everyone as if receiving a guest.

Breaking wind in an elevator… is wrong on so many levels.

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is today.

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A true turkey tale

 

This truly happened. Over Christmas I was driving on the motorway at about 70 miles an hour - our speed limit. There was no one else on the road.

I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a turkey running behind me. I was surprised and sped a bit more, but the turkey did not give up. He kept running behind me. 

I went up to 75mph and he was still there. On to 80mph and he was still behind me. I slowed down to 70mph and he overtook me.

I could see him speeding ahead like a demented chicken; but it was a turkey. I followed him down the motorway.

He pulled out his left wing and turned left at speed. I chased after him.

He kept running, then pulled out his right wing and turned right into a farm yard.

I followed him and put the brakes hard so as not to hit him. He stood there, looked at me, and then walked off.

That's when I noticed he had three legs.

As I got out the car a farmer came out of the barn and said, "I be farmer McDonald, what do ye want?"

"That turkey there has three legs!" I said.

"That's right," the farmer replied, "I breed them. Got plenty of them!"

"How come?" I asked.

"Well for Christmas I like a turkey leg, my wife likes a turkey leg, and our son likes a turkey leg. So I bred this new breed called Tripod!" he explained.

"What do they taste like?" I asked.

"Dunno! Never caught one yet!" he shrugged.

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Does God look human?

 

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