I Failed.

I thought I did ok. 

I know I wasn't perfect. 

I know I yelled a lot. I have always had a bad temper. 

I set rules to help you learn routine. I set rules to help you keep in check and do what needed to be done to be the best you. 

I keep rules because that's what keeps a house in check and not chaotic. 

But other people don't. They don't care. It's you do you, always. It's chaos, it's mess, there's no routine...it's survival of the fittest. 

I can't live like that. I'm sorry. And it's what drove you to run off....to take off the moment you could. Basically a big middle finger to everything I thought I did right. Everything I thought I was doing to help you be the best you....but in the end, all I did was reinforce the fact that I am a failure. 

I'm terrible at being a mother. I'm a bad friend. I'm sorry. I did it all with the best intention....but I guess it wasn't enough. 

Now who am I? I dont know. I failed...I failed at the one thing I thought I could be ok at. 

I'll just let the other one raise himself since I obviously suck at it. 

The Sad Athletic Mindset

Today I learned that High School Varsity Student Athletes are by far the highest regarded creatures. Do you volunteer outside the school? Perhaps support your local Church or a local non-profit group? Do you work 30-40 hours a week to help support your family all while managing to graduate? Do you spend 20+ hours a week practicing a sport that your school doesn't offer-- meaning you must drive anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 minutes each way multiple times a week for years to work on your passion? Yes? Well, that's all worthless. No one cares about you. But you-- the one that did some in-school sports and got that same diploma-- you are amazing. Who cares if you're a douche or simply road the coattails of your sibling. High School Varsity Sports is King. Plain and simple. This, my friends.... are the words out of the mouth of many in our school district. This is the mindset of people amongst us. This is sad and upsetting.

It does sting....still

I hesitate saying this aloud....but I want to get it off of my chest. Seeing people post big milestone birthday parties.....stings.

It reminds me that I don't have anyone in my life that would plan or consider throwing one for me. 

The last birthday party I had was when my Mom threw a joint one for me and my husband when we turned 30. 

I've attended countless 40th birthday bashes over the years. 

But mine came and went a few years ago ....and nothing....just any other birthday....with a few cards, a couple little gifts, and a bunch of social media shout outs. Maybe one phone call ....and that's it.

Seeing people be appreciated and celebrated....it just....hurts. it shouldn't, I guess....just jealousy? Perhaps my own fault....my own fault for being me and obviously having no one close. 

Ah well. Happy others are happy, I suppose. 

Still stings, though......

20 Years Ago Today.....

I was running late for my AM Mass Comm class at BSC...it was the beginning of my Senior Year in college. Mike was home on unemployment because the dream company he was working for, suddenly closed a few weeks prior. 

I was about to jump into the shower....when he tells me from the couch that a plane just hit the World Trade Center....oh no....sadness....we assume it's an accident....I remember stepping into the shower, sad for those lives lost...but feeling no fear. 

When I got out.....he tells me ANOTHER plane has hit.....sudden fear immediately hits us both. We are under attack. Simply put.

I go to the bedroom and put on the tv while quickly getting dressed and watch the rest of the nightmare unfold on the local news channel. 

Do I go to school? Afraid to miss another class....I head out for the 20 minute commute to Bridgewater. Need a reliable news source....I scour the radio dial in my car for AM news talk..... realize halfway to school, I never ate breakfast...so I swing into BK on 24 north and grab a breakfast sandwich and coffee while my ear is glued to WBZ news.

I arrive to campus and it's different. The vibe is strange. A sort of uncertainty. Some fear, some confusion. I walk to the campus center....and learn that classes have been cancelled for the rest of the day. Upstairs and downstairs, students are glued in groups around the TV's hanging from the walls....watching in disbelief. 

I stand around and watch some for a bit...but can't take much more...so I head to the campus radio station....WBIM. My space. It's quiet. Not sure what our duties are in this situation as a college station....do we provide news? Do we try to lighten the mood with music? Or should we go silent? 

I mill around the station for a bit....then wander around campus. I don't want to go home just yet. Check my email in the computer lab...which is eerily pretty empty for a late Tuesday morning.

Already, the blame is well broadcasted to the World. I suddenly feel some concern for the safety of my favorite Professor...whom is also my Mass Comm Advisor....he has a thick middle eastern accent and name....and people are quick to point fingers and categorize people when fear strikes. (A few days later he will email us.... letting us know him and his family are scared, but ok...and he will eventually return a week or so later, when fears somewhat calm down).

I don't remember much else...like, when I left campus....or where else I went. I just remember feeling a bit panicked....are we safe? Will more places be attacked? The tv news was so horrible to watch and it was inescapable. 

The days following were bittersweet. American flags everywhere. EVERYWHERE! Patriotism at its peak. I recall driving down 44 to the Plymouth Registry of Deeds for my PT job ...and off to the side of the road, a flag hanging super high in the air off a construction crane.

A day or a few later...cant recall the timeframe.....i just remember the bustling workplace suddenly quiet ...as we all participated in a moment of silence at the registry....the entire building bowing their heads in silence along with the rest of the country. 

20 Years have gone by since. So many people should have been 20 Years older...but never got the chance. So sorry. So, very sorry. 

You are not forgotten. 

World Is Upside Down....But It's OK!

March 17th was the last time I was in my office. My kids school was cancelled for 2 weeks the Sunday before.... unexpectedly. My son had a cough/cold coming on...and I was instructed to stay home. Within the next week, many more at work were instructed the same.

Its now 3 days before May. I'm still working from home. I always dreamed of being able to do this. But in that dream, I was more prepared. I don't have half my files. I cannot access to get them. It's sort of like being punished, in a way. Banished. But I understand. We need to keep everyone safe. Got it.

School has been cancelled for the rest of the year. My 4th grader is bummed....he misses his friends and bummed he has to miss out on the Spring Field Trip and the Wax Museum Project that every 4th grader has done since the dawn of HES. My Freshman thinks this is such a crazy way to end her 9th grade year...and I couldnt agree more. But both kids are taking it OK and doing the best they can adjusting and doing school work 100% from home. Definitely an adjustment for all 3 of us.

Rereading my post below from last Fall, and all is still the same. I still have no one in my life that checks in or cares about my well being. Sure, people SAY it randomly online. But when I need help or a friend....it's ALWAYS CRICKETS.

Stay safe everyone. I hope we all come out on the other side of this well adjusted and healthy.

May this time home teach us that life was a shit-show and WAY TOO CHAOTIC. I honestly had very little joy in day to day life and way too much stress having to meet deadlines, lessons, practices, etc.....

Being here....with no place to go....is a nice breather. Honestly.


The world is upside down...but it IS ok.

Have You Got Any Castles?

I had a VHS tape of a Woody Woodpecker cartoon as a kid, that I used to watch OVER AND OVER again. Why? I don't know. We had cable tv. Something about the cartoon was nostalgic to me. Anyhow, This cartoon was on the end of the tape, and it pops back into my head randomly at times. I know it word-for-word......enjoy some 1938 humor:



Have You Got Any Castles?

I'll Call This One....Keynotes.

My doctor suggested I pay someone to talk to. I have nothing of importance to say. I have no rough past, nothing I care to have some "professional" "talk me through". I just.... want SOMEONE to talk to. Someone to be my REAL Friend. Someone that checks in on me from time to time. Sits and has coffee with and catches up on. I have no one like this. At all. Did I chase everyone away? A few tried, but unfortunately those few came with extra drama I cannot handle and had very little in common. Those I do want to converse and be friends with, do not back. So, here I continue to sit. Alone. With lots to say, and no one to say them to. So...hello computer...I will spew my keynotes at you. I have never been this big (other than when I was pregnant). And I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. I was forewarned by others that had a thyroidectomy....they all said they gained 20lbs post surgery. I was careful, I swore "that wont be me!", I watched what I ate, continued life the same....and watched the weight just pile on, and no amount of calorie counting and portion controlling stopped it. I hate this me. I don't want to go places and see people because I *know* they are looking at me in shock and disgust. It's ok, I am disgusted, too. I hate this body. Somewhere, I'm buried in here, crying to get out. This fat woman thing is embarrassing. I do NOT want to try your trendy diet or hot new eating lifestyle. I am not keto, caveman, grass eating, Mediterranean diet material. I did all that in my 20s with instant success, then eventually gained it all back. Pointless. On another subject.... My heart hurts for my workplace environment. People leaving left and right, and what was is not anymore. 15 years here. My, my. I miss my mom having time for me. She's been too busy for me for over 5 years now, and I miss the way things used to be. I miss when she used to call me on my birthday. I miss when she used to call randomly and check in on me. I call her or my Dad every few weeks to check in on them, and message her at least a few times a week...but they never do it in return. If I stopped calling them, would I ever hear from them again? That thought scares me to the bone. The hatred and bigotry of some of those around me and related to me also scares me. I find myself with my jaw dropped and head shaking several times a day. To summarize most of this.... I just wish someone out there cared to reach out and see what was going on. If I dont blast my news online, no one ever knows anything that goes on. I just miss voices. Fuck you, social media.

Kitty Visitor

So for the last few nights, right after dinner time....we have had a cat visitor at our house. I first caught her rummaging in our recycle bin and thought perhaps she was hungry-- so 2 bowls of food later, she warmed up to us. Problem is...she is VERY vocal. First night she was so eager for people attention, she wandered around the perimeter of our house, meowing at everyone's bedroom windows.....for HOURS. It was rather annoying and heartbreaking. My cats are not friendly to outsiders, unfortunately. So outside she stays. She appears to be pretty clean, I didnt feel any ticks on her (usually the strays have ticks all over them)....so I really think she has a home and is simply being let out for the night. Problem is, people....your cat doesnt WANT to be out for the night. So now we have become her nighttime home. Yes, i keep feeding her. You show up at my door hungry, I will feed you. Last night she left us a dead mouse on our porch stairs, as a thank-you. My own cats have sucked at mousing. They need to step up their game.....part-time kitty is making them look bad.

2018...

Well hello old stranger. I need somewhere to just...... release my thoughts. I have intentions of hand writing in my journal....but who are we kidding?

I have a 13 year old now, and an almost 8 year old. Wait, what?!

Yeah. Time just keeps marching on.

Frustrated with the opinions of others that believe those not "on their side" must be lazy stupid communist liberals. Wtf? So it's black or white.....one extreme or the next ... never a middle ground? Please pull your head out of the sand. This type of thinking is destroying families across this "nation".

Hey Canada, are you welcoming any expats? :-P

Random Ramblings

I can't give what I take away.....

It's difficult to cry with glasses on.

Everyone I know, goes away in the end.

What have I become?

I will let you down....I will make you hurt.