today is one of those days where i can’t rememner any form of happiness and it sucks . i try to think of memories to make me happy or a gratitude list or all the dumb things i’ve learned but it doesn’t work

when you are bored you are bored

you can either become widly successful or completely miserable i was told once. i took my hiatus but now im back.

sitting in mexico in a five star resort, where people are paid to say hola, and fold your laundry, and make you meals with names you cannot pronounce, i couldn't help but recall the DFW article about cruise ships. i couldnt help but wonder if ill never feel pleasure again. I suffer from some serious anhedonia and i wish all the smiles in the world could help it go away. by the end a few smiles came about, through a lot of walking and a lot of rest, but just as quickly as they came they left the moment i hit NY again. missing many things, its hard. dfw said it best. on a side note, its twisted but i am fairly convinced this isnt my reality / im dead already / im stuck in some other dimension, id get help but thats a lot of work





https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/HarpersMagazine-1996-01-0007859.pdf

8 months you've been gone

some days are easier than others. today is not one of those days. 

sometimes when your doing simple things around the house, maybe you'll think of me and smile

allen ginsberg quote i love

“I really would like to stop working forever–never work again, never do anything like the kind of work I’m doing now–and do nothing but write poetry and have leisure to spend the day outdoors and go to museums and see friends. And I’d like to keep living with someone — maybe even a man — and explore relationships that way. And cultivate my perceptions, cultivate the visionary thing in me. Just a literary and quiet city-hermit existence." Allen Ginsberg

• Edit

Sometimes when i Think of B im reminded of frankenstein

"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other" Frankenstein

Thinking of you tonight O

I now understand why people go to psychics, are determined to astral project, practice channeling, even believe in past lives, etc. some days i miss you so much i can’t even get out of bed anymore. all my secrets and past died with you and i wish i could have been there at your end. You would think nights are the loneliest but really it’s momebts when i hear a song, when i look to myleft in the car, see something i would have told you about, had an experience I’d love to share, etc. When you share something with one person and then while you two have unfinished business they go away it is really hard. You were my best friend and could have been even more if only the timing was right and i didn’t take the easy way so much.

After you passed nothing’s been the same . It’s getting very hard to cope with death for me . I should feel lucky it took 32 years to feel this emotion . I don’t know why but i guess i thought I’d never be close enough to get hurt

watching black mirror's san junipero wondering

if that existed,

would you ever visit me & would i ever visit you?
if its all too much in this lifetime, why would we revisit?

then i think the internet helps for that, but not really.
but we visit each other sometimes & its usually all too much...

its all too much to think about this late anyway.

is it strange after watching BBC THE HUNT (Animals hunting animals) i just picture me hunting other people or other people hunting me, me switching roles, and saying bring it.

i think id be fairly successful at winning most hunts, despite someones size. now that iv3e quit smoking i am going to make sure i can run faster than i have ever tried because i rarely tried in the past & once i make sure of that, i will make sure i go back to being extremely stealth & learn to HUNT !

MY BRAINS INSANEEEE

i came across a photo you snapped of me today, it was in California & i thought, oh to the boy who took me to the west coast & to california, you helped bring the stars out in my eyes & helped me experience dreams a very long time ago & you also were the reason i cried when i knew i had to come back & i knew me & you would never last...
there was something half safe half adventurous about you. something so mysterious. until i got what i wanted which was your love & once i had you under my thumb & visiting me in rehab & all those kinds of things i just didnt want it anymore.

and when i came back you said something like you could never like bobby because you were always watching him with your girl & i never really knew what you meant until today, when i came across that old photo & i went to your facebook & re-watched (now single) your wedding video & when i saw the tears in your eyes I realized just how strange life is because i could have been your girl, but you really sold out and your having a baby now and doing all those things we dreaded and i like i told you then:

i could never really be your girl.

anyways, nowadays, its funny that i think randomly about ones who got away that i could have loved but never really did & i think about the one im with now & its all very new with him but whats weird is...
for the very very first time in my whole life i feel very safe with someone. if you know me ive always been a lone wolf when it comes to apocolyptic things or the end times or anything like that.

i always ended up dating the rich boys who couldnt build something but could think real deep thoughts and now well it all makes sense why i dont want a white collared boy but instead...

a boy whose more like a lumberjack - no really - he is. he calls himself a plant doctor too but while at one point i would have thought its hotter that he can remember all the plant names and why one is sick NOW i think its hotter that he climbs 200 feet in the air and can figure out logistically what needs to be cut & that he never gets injured because well its been a decade and hes really good at his job.

and did i mention he has lots of guns? and in every single room theres a weapon? this is what i mean about feeling safe. & he thinks about things like setting the lighting, or where will we sit, or when he will hold my hand & if my pillow is comfortable enough & if i am  OK on this side vs. that...all those little details that make or break things. all those little details i forgot about when i was with bobby & comfortable & secretly always crying for change.

aNYwYz.

and on top of that maybe he cant cook but he always takes me to the nicest places to eat & doesnt expect me to wait on him hand & foot but sometimes i cook for him but he knows im not that very good and hes okay with that because my baking and sexin' skills really mke up for it. and lets not forget about the sex. ok, i wont lie, im hypnotized and have never quite had experiences like that which makes me think holy guacamole i am waking up to my sex life for the first time in my whole wide life. he got me with just a few dirty words & then i started sending pics & videos and i thought i was almost 14 again.

and other simple things include buying me a toothbrush & telling me to pick where i want it to live because its the first spot of me living there but anyway he even got me to quit smoking & cleaned my car & air fresheners & some other cutie things too.

sometimes i write poems about him because i can & i care & sometimes i barely show him any emotions because i dont want to cry or be too lovey dovey and i know he knows that i care, because even though im a little bit of a brat i show my love in those weird strange ways...


things are so different now. im sober & for the very first time i feel safe around a boy. & i remember w. asked me:

do you think you will get sick of me because I push you to achieve your goals / things you want in life? i responded, why would i ever get sick of that? he said : sometimes you think im pushing you but im just trying to motivate...have you ever had someone who tried to motivate you? and i sat there thinking very hard & all my ex lovers crossed my mind & it was alwaysw me doing it myself, never did an ex lover try to motivate me to do GOOD for myself. only motivate me to do good when it would EffeCT THEM, financially or with controlling or my type. regardless id never...