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Politics
FBI Raids Georgia Election Office After Anonymous Tip From Guy Who “Knows More About Elections Than Anyone”
ATLANTA, GA — Federal agents descended on a Fulton County election facility early Friday after receiving what officials described as a “very confident, very loud”...
Trump Administration Removes Thousands of Hardened Criminals From Minnesota, Will Redeploy Them in Other Blue Cities
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The Trump administration announced another major public safety victory this week after confirming it had successfully removed thousands of “hardened criminals” from...
Administration Confirms All Ten Amendments Successfully Crossed Off List of ‘Obstacles to Order’
WASHINGTON , DC — The Trump administration confirmed Wednesday that all ten amendments of the Bill of Rights have now been “successfully reviewed, addressed, and...
White House Decides Noem ‘Too Untrainable and Aggressive’ to Be Safely Rehomed
WASHINGTON, DC — After weeks of increasingly strained internal discussions over her handling of Minnesota protests, the White House announced Tuesday that Kristi Noem has...
Entertainment
Technology
Amazon Warehouse Robots Throw Surprise Party for Last Human Supervisor Leaving the Building
DAYTON, OH — In a touching display of programmed emotion, Amazon’s fully automated fulfillment center in Ohio hosted a surprise farewell party this week for...
CDC Announces Newborns Can Replace Vaccines With “A Lap Around a Gas Station Bathroom”
ATLANTA, GA — In a stunning and thoroughly unscientific reversal of decades...
SPORTS
Trump Orders Troops to Indiana for Not Acknowledging His College National Championship Win
MIAMI, FL —The White House confirmed Monday that President Trump ordered troops into Indiana after state officials failed to formally...
Every NFL Team Ending Season With a Loss Immediately Fires Head Coach
BUFFALO, NY — Declaring that “second place is just first place for losers with excuses,” owners across the National Football...
Trump Orders Troops to Indiana for Not Acknowledging His College National Championship Win
MIAMI, FL —The White House confirmed Monday that President Trump ordered troops into Indiana after state officials failed to formally recognize his claimed victory in...
Every NFL Team Ending Season With a Loss Immediately Fires Head Coach
BUFFALO, NY — Declaring that “second place is just first place for losers with excuses,” owners across the National Football League reaffirmed this week that...
Aaron Rodgers Says Fans Lack the Football IQ to Appreciate Why He Choked Again
CLEVELAND, OH — In a postgame press conference that lasted longer than the Steelers final drive, Aaron Rodgers patiently explained that the real problem wasn’t...
Poll Finds Majority of Americans Think Boxing Day Celebrates Jake Paul’s Jaw Being Wired Shut
MIAMI, FL — A new nationwide poll released this week found that a clear majority of Americans now believe Boxing Day exists to commemorate the...
NBA Says Fans Will Care About NBA Cup Once They Learn to Care About It
LAS VEGAS, NV — The NBA released a statement Tuesday assuring fans that widespread confusion and emotional emptiness surrounding the NBA Cup is merely a...
