The dreaded spring semester. Not as scary and lonely as I was expecting.

--oh geez, there goes that bagpipe kid again. He toots on that thing in a place that echoes for nearly the whole campus to hear-- lost my train of thought --

Science in Science Fiction: I love this professor. I've never seen a man so thrilled about science and and sci fi. There's a surprising number of art students in this lecture.

Modern Art History: Lady prof seems pretty nice and personable. The course will probably suck balls but I have a few friends in there.

Modern Dance: I am out of shape. But this will be fun. And this time around I know people in the class.

Printmaking: same course as last semester but he's letting me and one other student try things the rest of the class won't be doing. Word.

Sonic Art: 5 hours of headache but I have friends in there too. And the prof doesn't give much of a shit about anything.


I tried out for the AU Dance Team on wednesday night which was fun. I'm so sore I can't bend over without everything hurting. I didn't make it but I'm actually relieved for that. It's a commitment I don't think I'm willing to make. And like I said, I'm out of shape. Then again I've never been in shape.

i decided i really like playing pool even though i'm totally weak at it.
i wouldn't mind spending more time at the billiard.
plus there's a kitty there and things are always better when a kitty's around.

wonder if i'll get to see anyone tonight
there's a good chance everyone will just be passed out from turkeyness
or tofurky.

coming hoooooommee!!!
toting fish and hamster
and i guess some vodka
and glass.

fabulous.

i'm mad at myself
i did it
i made my own Space
the URL is toodrucktofunk
almost the same as the one i used to use
i'm gonna pretend like it's not there
but go ahead and add if makes you happy.


anyway, last night was interesting

++ vodka
--- dj guy on campus
---- it made me feel sober, it was that bad
+ snowy snowness

- regrouping back in the dorm
- walking to State campus
- getting scanned for metal to get into the punk show
-- a lot of people had already gotten kicked out for moshing
-- no one was dancing
+ the bands were okay
- but since i don't generally listen to punk it started to just sound like noise
++ skanking with a few other girls since no one else was
+ lending my water bottle to cute guy who's band i missed play
-- cute guy lending water to his skeevy friend
- rinsing water bottle off...

+ me and meg singing loudly on the walk back
+/- talking to some random guys who wanted us to come into some house to party
+ kept walking and singing and ran into a friend and walked to the dorm with her

+++ walking around without pants in over long shirt/dress and knee high socks
- since i can't get away with that outside in this weather
- getting pants back on
- and accepting a cigarette from minhi
+ hanging out with paige and kyle again in kt and minhi's room

- going to bed too late
+++ waking up and making something totally awesome in glass

tonight is a night for working a lot and feeling like nothing is getting accomplished.

i talked to the exbf for a while this afternoon online.
sometimes i think i miss him, but not really.
i probably just miss having someone to give me sympathy and advice and attention and devotion.
you know, stupid things like that.

i should be writing a 4ish page paper now. but i haven't really written in so long that i hardly know what i'm doing since academics are a weak point after letting art classes consume my life. one of those factors blocking out my london dream.

i should stop listening to sad people like elliott smith and damien rice and the like but i can't.


i need cleo.

i don't procrastinate so much as sit and contemplate things that suck.

this place makes me so miserable
all i could think last night was how much i want to come home
and stay home.
i have a break coming up but it'll be so brief and hectic.
must get away from these people
must get away from the me that they know
i'm not me at all when i'm here.
not at all.
hadn't had a panic attack in some time.
i'm absolutely living in a single next year.
i can only ever rely on myself.

i said it out loud for the first time last night
that i'm gonna have to give up on my dream
of going to london for a semester abroad next year.
i'm never gonna get a 3.0 for the school i want.

my friends had some guests over this weekend.
i don't find it as flattering as maybe i should
that girls' boyfriends think i'm good looking.
but they only have my roommate to compare me with
since we don't hang out with many people.



i'm not going back
to the assholes that made me
a perfect display of
random acts of hopelessness...

i'm in a pickle
i'm trying to resist
real hard
but i'm on the verge of creating a new myspace profile
just to satisfy some people who don't use facebook
i hate myspace and all that it stands for!
but some people i may have no other way to contact...
poop. i hate it!!

anyway so like i'm going to france over winter break
where all those french people are.
well, hopefully. my mom's super intendant is a butthole assface
and says she won't get paid for the couple days she'll miss
which comes out to be a lot. soo i dunno if we're gonna try to change the dates.
whatevs.

i like stealing and eating candy whilst still in Wegmans.

so i'm on anti-biotics for my death
which means i can't drink this weekend
which means i shall accomplish nothing, socially.
NOTHING!
i'm starting to really want people to visit me here
but i know it's way out of the way.
there's some rocky horror thing here on friday
i have no idea what it'll be like
but it's not the same without my usual crowd of degenerates.
mmmblaahhh

friday night
and i am the devil
vodka
rum
dancing?
meeting people i already know
lite brite
fire breathing dragon
telling kid i like his ass
disliking State kids
meg carves things in my arm
but i don't care because i'm numb
and bites me with her fake fangs
blurry fuzzy vagueness
stumbling home


saturday morning
and i am hungover
at glassblowing
and make something nicer than usual
although it cracks
still feel accomplished.
discover strange scratches on my arm.


saturday night
and i am bitten
i walk for miles with the devil and the vampire
or minhi and meg
get lost
meet deer
find the enormous party house
on the State side
i should've known it was a bad idea.
the house is constipated with bodies
suppress panic attacks/hyperventilation
get high outside
being high and not drunk at parties = bad time

the three of us were called a bitch by different men
and groped by the same one
i called out to Quail Man for help
he did nothing.
continued lusting after kid whose ass i like
but made no move to speak to him at all this time.
i asked one of the dick in a box guys "is that for me?"
turns out it wasn't

minhi and i bitch about the night all the way home
disliking State kids more than ever
get some snacks at unimart
i want to start a fight. with anyone.
i don't.
back in the room i stare at my aquafina bottle
for 20 straight minutes
then go to sleep.


sunday morning
blow shot glasses
poorly.
they're surprising hard to achieve.


a party has never made me so angry.