mx_ - Medium eXposure

Cool, I just logged to see what happened to this blog, and see that last message was August 8th, last year. I'm once-a-year now. Awesome. Stay tuned for the next year's "yay, I'm writing once a year now" blog entry.

я нe раз был в туалете
но мне всё-же непонять
как так можно срать на свете
чтобы стало так вонять

Well, now my life plan is complete.  For those who don't remember, here's the reminder:




I got my license

I've passed that class, but who gives a fuck anymore...

I got the lease!

P.S. >> Nobody tell Chris about it!

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mediumexposure.com got some addition, including the music section.

Please welcome my new personal portal:

www.mediumexposure.com

For now it has tech blog (for technical articles), and rant blog (an rss feed from this blog). 

More features are coming, such as my youtube videos, my music crap, lyrics, some newspaper mixes, photos, calendar of where I'm gonna be and what I'm gonna do there, etc.

It's a self-promotion site in some way, but also it's a convenient portal for getting updates on my life all in one place.

I have just opened the only thing that makes me feel slightly materially supported in this world - my money market account... I've opened it and....

- Paid $2,176 for university.
- Paid $5,259 for credit card.

Now I'm happy and debtless... Oh neu neu neu wait, I got $2,000 balance on my other credit card, and a couple of tens of grands of university debt... Ah crap.

The difference is insignificant, but my savings are almost drained.  Awesome.

I can't write much when I'm too overwhelmed with happy things that go on in real life.  I also can't write when I have too much work, chores, advancements and projects to do.  Now I have too much of both.  So I like really really seriously impossibly can't write. So why the fuck am I writing... Oh yeah, to pass that point.

Disclaimer: I will write whenever and whatever I want no matter what my predictions and forecasts are.

If you have nothing to do, you start making up problems.  That's what happens in relationships. If you are forced to limit yourself only to phone talks, if you have no choice but to eliminate any fun events or intimate things that you should have together - you end up trying to make every conversation compensate for these lacks.  It leads to having said too many things which you wouldn't usually discuss in a healthy state.  And discussing too much is not good generally. It leaves little space for spontaneity and romance.

This was the turning point weekend in my life, thus I'm noting it down. : )  As of today, it was also officially the best weekend of my life.


side note:
It's funny how the fact that my love life got awesome pisses off some readers (for various reasons).  It's never fun to hear anyone happily describing their successes.  You always want to hear something miserable, so that you could "help" and "connect" with the person, and be weak together, and hug and everything. I know.  I have this complex too.  I applaud those who are free of this issue.

This is probably the result of having inconsistent sleep throughout the week, but fact is - I'm craving her much more than we get to meet.  Ok, maybe I'm kinda a loser in this sense, but I mean, can you blame me?  She's hopelessly addictive.  Like right now, I have heavy workload on my back, and I'm typing this instead.  I'm gonna kidnap her or smth.  Kidnap her and take her away from this city someplace far, like.. Like... New Zealand.  Or maybe Great Britain.  We'll see.  This situation has to be ruthlessly fixed.

Today, at about 1 am, was easily the most significant moment in my life.  Thus I'm noting this moment down.

I'm not alone.  We're in fact together.  I'm not lonely, and it's not like things are bad.  There's nothing to whine or feel bad about.  The only problem is - this pressure. Never before have I made myself bend my decisions so much, and never before I felt this uncomfortable.  This seems to be a psychological problem.  I am skeptical of everything I do, because nothing seems enough.  I try to make my life seem better by eliminating responsibilities, and then I punch myself in the face for doing it.  I can't come up with a route, because the success of the route is way too important.  I can't allow myself to come up with a bad plan, and thus I can't come up with any.

There is no way to predict if I'm going to succeed without a degree.  There's no way to tell if I'll be able to get a degree, if I somehow arrange to stay in the university.   There's no way to tell anything.  If I decide that I should only work, come home, work on my own projects - how can I tell if this is going to get me where I need to be?  Do I even need to be there, or is it my mental problem that makes it necessary for me to get there?  It's just way too much, and it makes me... yeah... restless.

I'm not alone, but I feel alone in this.

It doesn't matter who you are and what you do.  What matters is - how good you feel about living.  The least regretful life is the kind where you're driven by happiness, rather than anticipation of happiness.  You're given a segment of time from birth to death, for your sake, go ahead, USE IT.   Do not overestimate commonly accepted success.  You can be happy with a shovel, with a hammer, with a laptop, or with a cardboard box for sleeping.  Everyone can rate your life on a scale relative to some statistical standard, but no one can rate it on a scale relative to your state of satisfaction.   Learn to get in touch with your awesome inner receptors, which make you feel good about music, about wine, about sun, about wind, and about anything simple.  Your life is as boring and limited as you are. Your magnitude of satisfaction is only partially controlled by material gains.  There are many more factors.  You just have to be open enough to see them.


Usually to understand this, you have to go through failures, and the process of dealing with them.  I've gone through failures.  However I can't screw up my life as long as I'm alive.  By definition.  Be lucky to find someone who understands life-wide improvisation like this.

You guys. You guys.  This is so awesome. You won't believe it.  Things happen when you least expect. And such. And then as their happening, you still don't fucking know "what hit ya".  You guys.  Ah, shut up you guys.

___________________________








Consistency.
Compassion.
Modesty.
Productivity.
Deliberation.
Suppression of desire.









___________________________

It's not like I have ever known what to do.  Yet somehow I've been doing things.  Get it?

I try not to, but in some cases, it just happens.  When I let this extra step to take place, I become into that person's identity a lot.  I felt the character of House from the tv show House, and thus I got bound with that show.  I felt Sting and his music, and got bound with it.  There are literally few cases where this has happened.  Usually it's not a superficial idolization - not at all - it's understanding that choices, philosophy, and life principles of the person somehow click with mine, or even seem more powerful than mine.

Point is - same shit occurs when it comes to an el fucking amor.  I don't love the person, I get into much more, the whole idea of the person.  That's why when it's seriouslya, i get fucked up.

The journal has been in the idle state for a while.  When my journal is idle, my life is at its fullest.  That's a good sign.  It will probably be halted for yet some more time.

In nutshell: I'm working on starting the company.  Business manager found, product has been identified, demos and initial considerations have been processed.

Wish luck. : )

I have a complicated issue, and I don't know what to do about it.

Once when I was young back in Russia, I had a person I loved (and do still). We often hung out, did a lot together, and I witnessed her life at every stage of her development.

She loved me too (as she does still), and she built much of her mentality and axioms on my philosophy, on things I told her.  She gave me all the credibility in the world, but I did not have a philosophy back then. I only had an approximate feel of what I would like to live like. I was never definite, and never knew things myself.  Personally I was pretty miserable, and my ideas were weak and inconsistent. If I talked now to myself back then, I would prove everything I said back then wrong, would find it banal and laughable.

The problem is, I left Russia, and she didn't.  I came to America, and everything I knew, all my ideas, they changed dramatically, but hers didn't.  I've screwed her up, I think.  I'm afraid I might have been not careful, and she might not have learned to develop on her own.  She now tries to live by simple things I made up back then, and makes a lot of important life decisions because of what I told her.  Those things are wrong, but I have no way of reverting it now.  I could only change by coming here, but she isn't coming.  It might be a problem.

I'm not the only one who noticed the issue in her behavior, resulted by me.  Her parents did too.  I didn't know I had so much credibility back then, and now that I noticed, it might be too late.

People, if you have too much credibility in someone's eyes, be really careful with it, and first of all, use your credibility to teach the person to develop on their own.