Poppy

sometimes, I wish he was finally death. I hate that he still exist and his alive somehow and I can't control the situation to know, that I am feeling this hate and pain again.
Life is disturbing, painful, hateful and changig. Sometimes I wonder if its even too much somehow.
I can't control it anymore and it makes me feel afraid.
somehow.

I sometimes think what would happen, if I would go back to munich? What would happen, if I would go back, back to this deep und uncontrable time. I totally miss the depressive and lost we felt and had to each other. Even if this reality believe sucks he was one of the people who made me feel worthy somehow.
Reality sucks anyway.

I should actually go to bed, but there are so many stories on my mind. When i always think of munich, is has been some of the best times and some of the worst times. But when I usually step into the atomic cafe or substanz, it feels like home. I had some of the best nights of my life in the atomic cafe, it is actually the best place to go in munich.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCcGvDlM5jQ&feature=related

Classic stuff for sure.

As I got more than bored of facebook, i thought it would be easier to start a blog again. Well it has been a wonderful busy week. I have worked again, at a movie set for a movie called "Laura zu lieben" with two lovely actors called Doro und Klaas. It was just about two days but i loved it. The last movie I did has been too long and I actually can't remember. Next to that I was back at the Hebbel am Ufer Theater and worked with Sophia and all the beautiful guys from the SIP. I am still so blessed that Dagmar put me into the project. It is always not easy, to get it, but its a adorable working process. But I love my job and it feels right to be there. Sadly I didn't manage to get the job in munich, but munich it always on the map, so it dosen't matter. Next to that we had some glorious nights, this week at the Deutsche Theater in Berlin and the Volksbühne in Berlin. Interfilm Berlin, made a beautiful "eject Film Festival" and we had fun until 3am in the morning with 21 films. For sure one of the best nights actually has been, the B-Premiere of "Fahr zur Hölle Ingo Sachs." It has been acutally so much for other the last weeks, that I can't remember everything. I got drunk so many several times, but it has been just so awesome. Rocko is so inspiring and I adore the work of Studio Braun. Saw Jacque several times at the theater, but Rocko is still my favourite and he is just awesome. As the year is nearly over, we are starting to make plans for next year and we finally wanna break it next year. I have worked my ass of for the last two years, but I think I am ready now. Not sure is on the map, where I am ready so settle down, but for the next 2 years it is probably still Berlin. I would love to go back to Munich, but life doesn't seems to be there yet. Sometimes I can't even believe what I did and saw the last two years, it has been so much, that it makes me depressing to know, that I am still learning and not even ready to break it somehow. It just has been a year ago, after meeting Austin Lynch and Jason S. in Munich. Unbelivable.