Sebastian

First day of lectures today. I was supposed to be starting with History of Church and Theology: Contemporary Period at 9.00, but got an email sent at 7:46 saying that it was cancelled (along with tomorrow's and both of next week's), because the professor is in India. I can't help but feel that maybe he might have known that would be happening more than 75 minutes before the lecture, by which point I'd already left the flat, but it gave me a couple of extra hours in the library, so I'm not really complaining.

Following that was Coptic II, with my favourite prof. The first half was talking about the practicalities of what the semester was going to look like, including asking for thoughts on what texts we'd like to read. There were a whole two students, so unless it turns out to be too difficult for relative beginners, then we should get to look at "The Investiture of the Archangel Michael", an apocryphal text which covers some of the same ground as Paradise Lost, which was one of my requests.

In the afternoon we had Christian Social and Political Ethics, which was reasonably interesting, although I'm actually hoping that I'm going to be allowed to swap that module for a Hebrew/Midrash one that I'm a lot more excited about. I'm not sure when I'll find out though, so until I do I'll be going to lectures for both. Afterwards I was doing some reading related to that first lecture, which talks about the necessity of social and relational ties for human beings and humanity to flourish. From time to time it used the phrase "mutual flourishing" and I kept having to remind myself that this was a book chapter written in a Roman Catholic milieu, and therefore it had nothing to do with the very specific way that phrase is used in Anglican ecclesial politics...

I did not entirely manage to get caught up with my planned revision before my first exam on Friday, but I got reasonably lucky with the questions. Only 6 marks out of 54 were on areas that I felt under prepared on, and when I got home it turned out that my somewhat educated guesses were pretty much spot on for at least four of those marks, so assuming that I got most of the rest right, I'm looking at a pretty solid mark, on one of my two weakest subjects. And once I had removed any further revision for that exam from my schedule, I was almost back on track.

This morning I have my Hebrew exam, and by last night was still feeling underprepared for that as well, but I got an early night (by my standards), and managed to get up at oh-god-this-is-going-to-bed-time-o'clock in the morning and finish it off. I'm feeling pretty confident about this one. It's mostly based on translating and answering questions on the grammar of seen texts, of which there are about 100 verses (Deuteronomy 5.6-12 and 6.4-9, 1 Samuel 9, 1 Samuel 20 and Psalm 13), which is little enough that I've basically memorised them, including all of the more unusual verb forms. There'll also be a little bit of unseen translation, with glosses for more unusual words. There isn't much one can do in terms of revising for that, but I'm hopeful that the work I've been doing on the seen texts, and also other bits of translation I've been doing for my essay and my Psalms class will have given my muscles a reasonable workout. So, for that matter, will the Ugaritic translation that I've been doing for that class, as the languages are pretty similar, and learning the ways that they're different has been cementing my understanding of both of them.

I've then got a couple of days off before my "Introduction to the Anthropology of Religion" exam on Thursday. That's my other weak subject, but the assessment was half by portfolio (a ~2500 word essay on a subject of our choice, plus six ~500 word responses to questions reflecting on six papers or documents), and the exam is essentially a viva of our portfolio, so again the revision required is fairly limited. Friday is Old Testament:Psalms and Wisdom Literature, another oral exam, which should be fairly easy to prepare for.

Then I've got a whole week off to prepare for Ugaritic and New Testament:Johannine Literature the following Monday and Tuesday. Ugaritic will be fairly similar to Hebrew, mostly translation of seen texts, although I think a bit harder because for at least some of it we'll be given the unvocalised texts and have to vocalise them (although we will get it transliterated rather than having to read the cuneiform). Also I think there's more text. It's 466 lines, and although that's a line on a tablet, which is considerably shorter than a verse in the bible, I'm fairly sure it's more words in total, even accounting for the fact that some of it is epic verse, and thus has quite a lot of repetition. There'll also be some unseen text, but we're allowed access to lexica and reference materials for that bit, so I hope that should be reasonably manageable.

As for the New Testament module, I'm not so much revising as vising, having skipped all the lectures except the first one. They're recorded, and we get given a list of 42 questions from which the exam will be chosen, so it's just a case of drafting bullet point responses to the questions as I listen to the lectures, and then memorising them. On the one hand, leaving it entirely to the last minute might seem a bit foolhardy, but on the other, at least everything will be fresh in my memory....

Classes for the first semester are done, and I'm back in the UK for Christmas. According to my study schedule I'm about 8 hours behind on where I should be at this point, but said schedule also assumes that I don't do any schoolwork between now and my return to Belgium on the 29th of December, so I should be able to get caught up without too much difficulty. I am feeling pretty pleased with myself for a)having made a realistic schedule for the semester, and b)having pretty much stuck to it - sometimes getting a day or so behind, but never more than that, and occasionally actually getting a couple of days ahead. It's also been quite helpful at times when I've definitely felt as though I was getting behind to be able to look at it and say "No, actually I'm on track to get everything done as long as continue to work at the same rate as I have been doing so far."

I didn't manage to get to the conversation table I had planned for last week, because I stayed up too late the night before and then spent the day translating Ugaritic tablets, which meant I had absolutely no brain left by the evening, but I shall try again in a couple of weeks. I did go to the cabaret on Sunday evening, which counts both as 'doing a social thing' (albeit with someone I already know, which is much less stressful), and 'practising my French' (albeit largely receptive rather than productive).

The big food order arrived this morning, and I've just got two more presents left to buy, and one to finish crocheting, so that's my plan for today, and I think I'll then be basically ready for Christmas. Tomorrow I'm heading to York for the day, to see leonato in "Anything Goes", which should be a lot of fun.

One of my assignments this semester is an exegesis of Psalm 139, and I figured it would be good to start by doing my own translation of it, which is how I discovered that in verse 15, which the NRSV renders "My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth." the verb used, קרם, means specifically to weave variegated, colourful material. I found this delightful.

ETA. Also, in verse 13, the bit which the NRSV renders "it was you who formed my inward parts" could also be read as "it was you who bought my kidney". This is also delightful, in quite a different way.

Until this morning I hadn't been to church since getting back from Belgium. I hadn't wanted to go back to St John's for a couple of reasons - firstly the likelihood of taking on responsibilities that I'd rather not have at this stage, and secondly the growing awareness that singing in a choir is an important part of worship for me - but I'd been dithering about where to go instead. My four criteria were catholic, liberal, within 15 minutes bike ride, and has a regular choir, and indecision about which to compromise on combined with a rather erratic sleep cycle meant that each week I'd let inertia take over. This Thursday I had an appointment that was half way to Hornsey Parish Church, which is about 20 minutes away, but meets the other requirements, so I cycled the rest of the way there to make sure I knew the route, which meant this morning required less activation energy.

Regarding the choir the website says "We welcome new members who have a facility with sight reading and a passion for the choral liturgy", but when I spoke to the director of music and said that my sight-singing was shaky but I was happy to note-bash at home if she sent me the dots in advance, and she said that was fine, so I'll be joining them as of next Sunday. They've got a concert on Saturday which I'm going to listen to rather than sing in - if anyone local fancies joining me it'd be good to have company.

I have not, as yet, managed to find any work for over the summer, and am now slightly doubtful whether I'm going to be able to at all - it's quite rare for a contract to be shorter than a couple of months, so unless I get something starting in the next couple of weeks I'm probably not going to have enough availability.

I have somewhat mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, if I don't have any income at all this year, then my savings will be pretty much entirely exhausted by the end of the year. On the other hand, I am quite enjoying being a gentleman of leisure...

I have been having a whole bunch of feels about the Supreme Court "biological sex" judgement and subsequent ghastliness from the EHRC and UK Government. I am aware that I'm in a much safer position than many trans people - I'm male, I easily pass as cis unless I choose to out myself or someone recognises the scar on my forearm as leading to phalloplasty, and I'm currently living in a civilised country with only occasional visits to the UK. But as well as being furious on behalf of those who are less safe than me, and in principal at the whole absurdity of it all, there is also genuine anxiety about how it will affect my life when I move back to London. Will I be left with a choice between outing myself and breaking the law whenever I want to use a public toilet or changing room? Will I have to wait longer for healthcare if I need hospital treatment, because they won't put me on either a male or female ward, and there are limited single-user rooms?

I find myself vacillating between wanting to be more visibly out as trans, both to increase the sense of "here is a person who is on your side" for other trans people, and to highlight the absurdity of the "woman means biological woman, like this person with a massive beard and a hairy belly and a penis and a low voice and no breasts or womb or ovaries*", and at the same time wondering whether it wouldn't be wiser to go back to being relatively stealth, so that if things continue to get worse by the time I come back I can fly under the radar if need be. At the moment I'm leaning towards greater visibility, but uncomfortably aware that that might change, and that maybe I shouldn't make myself so visible that I can't hide it in the future.

I'm also feeling a combination of impotence and something akin to survivor's guilt, as it feels like even though I've got a bunch of privilege that I ought to be able to weaponise somehow, and I'm somewhere safer in which to do so, there's not a great deal that I can do from over here, especially as I have very limited spare time and spoons around my studies, and I think that jeopardising them for the sake of activism probably wouldn't be the right choice. It took me until today to manage to write to my MP, but at least that's something.

( Letter behind the cut )

On the more frivolous side, I have new beard beads, which I'm quite pleased with.



*FTAOD, I absolutely think you can be a woman with all of those things, and with no intention to change any of them, but I find the inconsistency between the "sex is just common sense and defined by primary and secondary sexual characteristics. How absurd these people are who suggest that a woman can have a penis" and "oh, but sex is immutable and changing all of these characteristics doesn't actually change your sex" ridiculous and enraging.

My shoulder continues to improve, and although still a bit stiff, no longer hurts.

No new bad things have happened for nearly two weeks, and on Friday something which could have gone badly wrong failed to do so. I turned up at the Eurostar terminal with my new replacement passport, without it having occurred to me that a non-EU passport with no entry stamp might raise concerns. I didn't have any additional documentation on me to prove that I had the right to be in the country, but after some embarrassed explanations and the digging out of my registration letter from KUL on my phone, the customs officer let me through. It was pretty clear though that this was done at his discretion, and had I got someone in a bad mood then it could have got at least extremely inconvenient, and possibly much worse than that.

Oof, it has really been ages. Even by my usual standards I have been stupidly busy the last couple of months...

So I had my first semester exams, which for the most part went pretty well. Marks are given out of 20, with the pass mark being 10 and something like 16 being roughly equivalent to the cut-off point for a 1st. Apart from one coursework based module where I got a zero because I had an ADHD and missed the deadline (but there's no cap on the resit mark, and I'll just have to resubmit the work I've already done), I got one 12, one 16, one 19, and three 20s. I am particularly proud of my 20 in History of Church and Theology for two reasons - one is that I found it a lot more challenging than the other courses I did well in, and worked bloody hard for it, and the other is that I ran into my history professor a few weeks later at an evening lecture, and he introduced me as "the only student I've ever given a 20 to" which was extremely gratifying!

My second semester started really well, and my new modules are all extremely interesting, but the last few weeks have been a little challenging, with one thing after another going wrong. And whilst no one individual thing has been unsurpassable (although some have been bloody expensive), the accumulated effect has been rather draining. In my Hebrew class we are working through translating the first couple of chapters of Job, and it is feeling rather too relevant for comfort... I think the first thing was leaving my bag - containing my laptop, my passport, and my kindle - on the train. Then a week later my bike was stolen. Then a couple of days later I flooded my kitchen. Then the next day I tripped whilst I was running for a train, and hurt my shoulder. Then the following day (which was Shrove Tuesday) I was about to start making pancakes when fuse in my hob went, taking out the electricity in my flat, and it took me a couple of days to figure out where the tripped switch was to turn it back on, and the hob is still broken and I still haven't had my pancakes!

And one way or another dealing with these things (not having a laptop for a few days, having to stay at home to wait for things to be delivered, not having electricity) has lead to missing lectures and not being able to get as much work done. And I am getting old so more than a week later my shoulder still hurts, which is making it hard to sleep, and to do housework, and neither being in pain nor being horribly short of sleep, nor being in a messy environment are terribly conducive to getting work done, especially work than involves concentrating hard. So I am feeling quite behind and quite stressed. And all will be fine, and I will get caught up, but I would really appreciate it if life could refrain from firing any more curveballs for the next few weeks...

One of my more challenging courses this semester is 'History of Church and Theology: Middle Ages and Early Modern', which as I may have mentioned is an absolute firehose of information. Even though the course is largely limited to the Latin church, quite a lot happened between ~476 and ~1789 CE. One way I've been trying to make it a bit more manageable has been putting together a timeline of the major events and people involved. I looked at a bunch of reviews and tried a few potential tools, and Tiki-Toki has definitely impressed me.

It's aimed at education rather than business users, which I think probably gets rid of a lot of cluttered features that I'd never want. It's easy and intuitive to use, and gives you enough control over how you display things without overwhelming you with options. Here's my (as yet incomplete) timeline. You can add a lot more information than I have as well as embedding images and other files, and there are probably a bunch of other features that I haven't yet discovered, and more with a paid account. A free account gets one timeline with up to 200 events (I'm currently at 97, and although I've got a bunch more to add, I think I should be able to squeeze in all the important ones), but paid accounts are reasonably priced, especially the 'teacher' option.

(Full disclosure - I get a second free timeline for posting this, but I wouldn't do so if I didn't genuinely rate the tool.)