Well now I have been thinking a lot. I went camping this weekend down in Missouri and I got to do a lot of deep thought. Also I just found out that this guy, Charlie decided he was going to move to Utah all of a sudden. He just joined my chuch, and I was looking forward to hanging out with him, but nothing was tying him down so he decided to just up and move. Things happen though right. Well anyways. I think I have decided what I am going to do with all this job stuff. I am going to apply for the job with the RAID team. I am most likely going to get it. Then I am going to save as much money as possible while I am in the Three year lock in. After that I will decide whether to stay in it, or get out of the AGR program. If I get out I will take all the money I saved and just do college, or if family is in mind at that time, used the money towards that, but I still want to do college too.
I also just talked to Brad my friend from California. I am so confused about him. Sometimes I wish I could just go be with him. Other times I am so confused. I am really attracted to him, but there is just one thing. I am very into religion, and I want to only marry someone of the same religion because it goes along with what I believe. I dont think he would ever fully accept it, and that makes me very sad. I dont know what to think about guys any more. There is also one other guy that I think some day I could marry. He is on a mission right now for our church. That is definately the plus there. Same religion. Who knows what he will think in two years when he gets back, and I do write him, not as often as I should. We cannot talk of such things right now with eachother because he is on his mission, and that makes it very dificult to know what he is thinking completely. oh well I have said enough for one day.

Current Mood: irritated

(Comment on this)

I am so out of it right now. I just watched Vertigo. awful movie. I mean great movie, but awful. It made me think of my past relationships and how sometimes I wish I could just go back to one and pick it right back up wondering why it ever ended, but at the same time, I know it would not be good to be with them. It makes me feel so alone. The original Job I wanted, I found out someone was inprocessed for it yesterday. I mean I guess I am not supposed to have it then, but I have been in limbo for several months now, and just dont know what to do about life. I have to many options, but they are all just bairly out of my reach, so I cannot choose, and that makes things so very hard. This weekend I am going camping, I hope that clears my mind a bit. I dont want to run away from it all, but that is about where I want to be right now. It would be to easy to enlist full time active Army and be done with this soap opera world in Springfield. I know life is a soap opera everywhere, but at least it would be a different one that has not been over used by me. I long for love and friends, but at the same time, they all have so many problems I spend most of my time listening to their problems, and never get the relief of sharing the burden of mine. I want to be alone and away from it all, but at the same time, I just want to cuddle up with someone that can protect me and keep me hidden from the world. Why am I so damned depressed.

Current Mood: pensive

(Comment on this)

Well today was a nice day. I think the jounal stuff is going to be interesting. I tried to clean all day since it was my day off, and well that did not work cause my sister came to visit. We got some stuff done, but I was tied by the time she went home. Then I decided to go to the park and write my friend that is on a Mission in Brazil right now. I am pretty confused about life right now, but we will get into that as it progresses. I so do not want to go to work tomorrow, that is a story in itself. It is a good job and it pays a lot for not having a college education, but the people I wish I did not have to deal with. I am trying for a job in Peoria which is about an hour away, but who knows how that is going to turn out. I think I want it, but I am not for sure. It at least would be a start, but it is a three year lock in. I dont know if I want that commitment yet, but it is just like going actice army and well I thought about that before. See I am in the National Guard, but I work out there as a full time Technician right now. Well I best go to bed. It is good for a start.

Current Mood: tired

(Comment on this)