The Past That Haunts

1 Feb

 

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I choke a little, maybe even gagged some, I blink my eyes in disbelief and feel my mouth is agape like a person in shock of this magnatitude would rightly be. It’s impossible. My left hand is tightly holding onto the door frame still as my right hand is trying to keep my towel in place, typically I wouldn’t give two fucks about- but I needed to keep both my hands occupied to avoid any physical confrontations.

” What in the Fucks sake are you doing here Jaina?”

There is obvious hate in my voice as I stare at the face in the hallway, a face that I never thought I’d have to see again. “Well Merlot darling, that is what you still call yourself right? Anyway is that any way to talk to your baby sister? ” The smirk that came with the question was enough to make me physically ill, I cling harder to my towel and clenched my jaw down so tight I thought my veneers were going to shatter,

“Fake sister you mean- again- what the fuck are you doing here Jai? I told you never to contact me and that you were as good as dead “

I stare at the girl in front me me, beautiful by all standards, her hair is longer than she use to keep it,dark chocolate brown with soft blonde low lights, but her eyes are the same hunters green as I recalled, she’s still shorter than me, even with her heels on, and her body is just as well sculpted as it always was. Bitch.  The pain I keep locked up inside from our last incounter starts to bubble to the surface as she contuins to smile at me, as if waiting for something.  ‘Ughhh what the fuck ever, looks like you dont plan on leaving so sure by all means make yourself at home, come on in – La Ti fucking da ” I turn and walk away from her as she steps inside and closes the door behind her, I let the towel fall to the floor, not suprised to hear her little gasp but try to quickly cover it up with a fake cough, I smile as I pour myself some Jack and turn to face my sister for the first time in over eight years. The word sister leaves a horrible after taste in my mouth and I cringe when I think about our past and why we havent spoken in ages- makes me horribly sad and crazy pissed off at the same time, I sit down in my computer chair as Sampson jumps onto my naked lap purring, I smile as I pet him and cross my legs and wait for her to say something- she doesnt.

Seriously ? Fuck .

I look at Jai, standing across the room, looking at my dirty apartment and fully see her now and I can see her smile is gone, she looks sad or maybe angry I honestly can’t tell-   “Look- I didnt want to come here but I was asked to – and I don’t have any other options -so I can’t believe I’m actually saying this -But I need your help Merlot”

I immediatly laughed out loud,snorted even- hard too, Sampson jumped down pissed that I was shaking so hard, and after a few solid minutes I was able to catch my breath long enough – ” You above all people want MY help? Oh Jaina even for you thats rich, oh man-  good one. And what do you mean you were asked to ? By who Mom? Ha tell her no, I wont be attending Thanksgiving dinner thanks anyways , ha ha Jesus that’s funny though”  I wipe literal tears from my eyes and look at my sister to see if she was kidding- and judging by the bitchy look on her face she wasn’t. I catch my laugh in my throat as I see her eye brows were arched so high they could touch her hairline- and her mouth was puckerd so tight they looked white- I have so few of memories of Jai ever being this upset, that it kinda freaks me out- I mean once when she lost her virginity to Tommy Bagels who was overweight and had athsma just to find out he was recording it and put it on some web page and then one other time when she found out that she had a miscarrige years later . Jai is known for always smiling, almost a trademark of hers I suppose- so something had to of happened to bring her here- what the hell does she mean she was asked to? I dont want to fucking get involved, not now when everything is finally starting to come together for me. Fuck man. Looking at her more clearly now – It’s easier to see that her eyes aren’t lit up as they usally are, and gray circles cling under her eyes even though she tried hard to hide them with concealer, I could tell she hasn’t been sleeping and was probaly on perococets again.

” So what is it Jai?  Tommy back for Next Door Sluts Part Two or you just here to stab me in the back again?”Clickng my togune because it’s impossible to hide the disgust in my voice so why even bother. Jai crossed the room to sit on the edge of the counter across from me, and poured herself a drink, she didn’t say anything  and for a few minutes she just stared blankly at her glass and swirled the dark liquor around in her cup.  Finally she did look at me, and mentally I prepared myself for the worse, as she pushed her long hair out of her face and took a sip from her drink, ” No Merlot,This isn’t about Tommy- ” biting her lip like she does when shes hiding something, she smiled into her cup as she finished it in one gulp –

” This is about Leo.”

What in the fuck? ! I prepared myself for the worse, not the impossible, I tried to blink away my look of disbelief,She didnt even fucking KNOW Leo, how could she- but before I could even speak , Jai broke out into a huge grin showing all of her teeth like a lioness over her prey –

“And He told me to tell you hello.”

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What the Fuck.

6 Aug

1

The sweat from his skin tasted like fire, Its easy now to lick my lips and still feel his warmth there, the smell of him burning though my brain, I close my eyes and smile into the darkness. I’m not mad that he left before I woke up, I’m not sure I even care, I didn’t really expect anything more or less from him, not sure if I wanted anything more. I arch my back up towards the dark ceiling and claw at the silk sheets with my fingernails digging into the bed deeply, there’s a tight pain in the small of my back that brings a little laugh from my mouth as I recall what he did to me to cause that pain. I use my foot to feel around the bed for my phone and slide it up to my hand, instantly I flinch from the light when I click it on, blinking several times before I can see the time.

Why must I always wake up at 3:00 a.m. ? The Witching Hour, as my mom would call it.

I kick my bare feet over the side of the bed and force myself awake, I bend over to low to reach down to my toes to stretch out my back some more before walking to the bathroom. There’s a familiar purr and tickle of fur by my ankles and I bend low to scoop up Sampson, the sweet boy purrs against my neck and pushes his head against my shoulder. I should take him home with me this time, He would love it there. Home. My belly always tingles when I think of that place which is now mine. I place Sampson on my shoulders as I go into the bathroom to turn on the shower, only a few more days of this and then I’ll be back to my sunrises and coffee. This trip has been great, the shows are going perfectly, the new material the band is coming up with is great and then there’s sweet Colby , precious boy. 

I clear the fog away from the mirror and look at my reflection, so much has changed in the last two years, my hair is shorter and lighter, the dark circles are gone from under my eyes and no longer can you see my ribs protruding from my sides. I smile knowing that Leo would be very happy with the new me, Fuck even Larry is. Said its a better image for the younger teen fans. The mirror starts to fog up again so I slide into the shower to wash away the sex and sweat that is left on my skin, the water is so hot it stings but it feels so right. I close my eyes and just lean into the water as it flows over me, i tilt my head back and allow it to flow down my neck, the pressure of the flowing water beating against my collar bone and sliding across my breast and down my narrow waist, I follow the flow with my hands and smile and think about to Leo, his hands running the soap over my hips and down my thighs, massaging his fingers deep into my muscle causing me to whimper in pleasure, he would smile up at me as I was close to losing, his eyes clear and sparkling as he would start to kiss every inch he was touching as the soap rinsed away. 

I graze my hands over my breast and slide two fingers between my thighs, and I smile as I can only imagine how Leo would be doing the same thing if he was here with me, biting on my collar bone and telling me how pretty I am when I am about to cum, I smile into the water as I feel that release about to start, the water feels hotter and my skin even more sensitive as I feel myself let go and lean against the wall of the shower, head tilted back with my lips curled into a satisfied smile and eyes closed. I stand there letting the hot water beat down on me for a bit longer before I finish scrubbing myself, I turn the water off just in time to hear someone knocking at the door, I wrap a towel around my self and another one for my hair and nearly trip over Sampson as I make my way to the door, where the knocking is now getting louder and more frequent. 

“ Fuck man, I’m coming calm down damn”

I swing the door open before looking and catch my breath in my throat,

“What the fucking fuck?” 

 

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Desire.

24 Mar Image

The room was darkened, shadows stretch across the floors, from the corner of the room the air conditioner hums lowly, as it causes the deep wine colored drapes to sway slightly. Blocked out is the setting sun, a single tv is on playing a rerun from CNN, it smells of fresh linens and weed, deeply I inhale and smile at Colby as he still holds my hand in his. I raise it to my mouth and kiss the back of his knuckles, he is covered in tattoos and I smile as the memories from our last hang out filters into mind. I rub his fingers across my cheek and run the tip of my tongue against the inside of his palm and smile against his involuntary shivers. He slides his hands under my jaw line and uses his thumb to trace my features ever so delicately, he leans into me and presses his warm body against me in the right places,

“you smell heavenly ;beautiful Merlot, I wonder if you taste as sweet?”

I smile into his mouth as I kiss him fully and lovingly, he tastes like Big Red and Mountain Dew, I laugh quietly against him for the adorable combination and draw his tongue into my mouth and lick the roof of his mouth as he gladly opens wider for my pleasure. His hands grab the back go my head and pulls me deeper into him as he grinds his cock against me and I feel him hardening against my belly, I slide my hand away from his face and feel him through his pants giving him a slight pull causing him to moan into my kisses causing me to smile harder.

Colby grabs me by my thighs and picks me up easily, I wrap my legs around him and tilt my head backwards and laugh at the situation, he squeezes my thighs tightly causing me to tighten up where I’m quickly getting hotter, I can smell my sex as I he places me on the bed, inwardly I smile happy that I chose to wear a dress. He slides his hands into my inner thighs pressing my legs apart, his fingers flutter against my bare skin causing goosebumps to cover my inner thighs and higher. He presses his lips to my knees and his hair falls over his eyes and causes me to shiver and thrust my wetness up to him practically begging for him to touch me, longing for his warm mouth to cover me and to make me melt against him completely . He pulls my panties down to my knees and slides two fingers inside me I’m so wet I can hear him moving in and out as I arch up into his hand, he puts his forehead against my thigh and is muttering things I can’t comprehend, I pull his hand into me harder and smile as he disappears into me. I hold into his neck as he kisses me for the first time, slowly he pulls on my tenderness as he slows down the pace of his hand. He traces his tongue slowly against my inner lips and I can feel I’m about to spill into his mouth, I try to warn him, even try to scoot backwards but he firmly holds me into place and forces his hand harder into me as he chews down on my crown, with blinding lights and a low cry I let it go and pulsate into his mouth. I feel him smiling against my thigh as he pulls his hand away and releases his flesh from his pants, he turns me onto my side and plunges deep into me, slow and steady until all of him is pressed inside, I cry out, god damn I’ve missed this. He pushes my dress up higher and grabs my ass in his hand and pulls me against him, deep and slow he pushes into me making me cry out as I grab the sheets in my fist,

” Merlot tell me you want it hard”

I look at him, eye to eye and push up on my elbows, ” I want you to fuck me hard, Colby, make me cum so much that I won’t be able to walk ”

I smile at him and push the dress off my shoulders exposing my tits to him, weakened momentarily I feel him shudder against my thighs. He reaches up and squeezes me hard he starts pounding into me, he tilts his head back and I can’t help but to stare at the veins in his neck as he is about to cum, he bites onto his bottom lip and thrust one last hard time against me, skin slapping loudly as he does and I feel his dick harden even more as he explodes into me, slowly pumping deep into me, I feel the goosebumps raise on his thighs. He bends his neck down and smiles at me his eyes crystal clear, he wipes the sweat out of his eyes and he bends over and kisses my thigh as he removes himself from me. He walks to the bathroom showing me his beautiful ass and returns with a warm washcloth to clean us both up ever so sweetly.

*****

Hours later we lay still in bed, wrapped in skin and sharing laughs over a cleanly rolled blunt, I smile against his warm chest as we talk about music and religion we even talk about Leo and lost love, I feel warm and happy in this moment and long for it to last.

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Oh, the odds.

19 Mar

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The brilliant light from the sun is flashing on my face through the passing of people, squint,shade,squint,shade; repeat. The window pane is only intensifying the glare as I continue to stare through the masses of people looking for the familiar faces, I see the laughing older couples paired off in twos, crying children and annoyed parents rolling their eyes and kissing lovers happily embracing. It’s all quite beautiful really. I glance to the left and debate taking a breather by the Starbucks as the aroma of white chocolate steams by me swirling across my face as an official teaser, I look back towards the window and envy the sunset I’m missing back home. home ,I can actually call it that and no longer flinch inwardly. I shade my eyes with my hand and look across the stretch of people and smile as the faces I love so dearly start to appear before me through the glass, Fence notices me first and smiles a big toothy grin and signals the others to look my way. Tears form in my eyes and I have no reason to be crying but there they are never have I missed them so badly! I make my way to the spiraling doors and lunge into their group hug as kisses and hellos are pressed against my face and neck at the same time as I smile into theirs.

You look lovely Mer, it’s so good to see you !!

What seems like hours later ,I’m holding hands with my friend as we make our way across the airport, we are staying in town tonight and fly out to Dallas tomorrow to record some new material the guys have been working away on. My hands and voice is itching to get onto some new hits and judging by our twitter feed put fans can’t wait to see it either, I feel myself grinning my face is happy and heart is light. I slide my hand through my hair as we get into the elevator to go upstairs my glasses fall down the bridge of my nose and before I can push them up a finger comes into view causing me to go temporarily cross eyed,

what the fuck?!

I uncross my eyes and push my fallen hair out of my face again and look into a deep pair of greenish grey eyes, dark lashes blink slowly in front of me and time stands still

hello Merlot, it is merlot right? …. Like the wine?

I lick my now dry lips, and swallow my throat suddenly seems so parched. When did that happen ?

Colby, as in the cheese ?

I barely manage to whisper the words, my face turns hot as memories swarm my brain and turn my now trembling lips into a smile. I haven’t seen him since the last time we were in that elevator together what had to be over two years ago, Fuck.

“Crazy how time flies. The odds must be in my favor dear Merlot, that they must . ”

The elevator dings for our floor and I feel him take my hand, I follow him without a word and flash an I’m ok to my friends. I have no idea what is about to happen but I know in my heart it’s going to be good.

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And so it starts

23 Feb

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Another shooting star flies across the pitch black sky, my mom would say an angel is throwing out her cigarette before god catches her smoking. I guess the big man upstairs doesn’t condone the habit, I exhale into the cold night pretending to blow a puff of nicotine out, my lips pressed into a kiss face I smile like a kid would when doing the same thing. The cold wraps around me yet I don’t bother to go back inside to grab a jacket, I just stand here goosebumps sprinkle across my naked shoulders and spread down my back to my thighs, I shiver and smile into the blackness. This life has taken such a huge turn for me day in and day out of dealing with Leo’s affairs, business accounts and ranch , everyone has been extremely kind towards me as if I have always been around as if Leo had told them all about me. No surprise there . Precious Leo, again I feel my face smiling as I think of how happy he would’ve been to see me here in all this naked glory.. I sigh without realizing it as I grip tightly to the wooden balcony,

fuck! God dammit man

I slid my hand across the edge too tightly and my palm snagged into a splinter, fucking hurts like a bitch too dammit. I pull my hand to my mouth and nurse the spot and can taste blood, of course I’m bleeding, fuck. I shake my hand hard as if that would make the pain stop and head towards my room and click the door shut behind me, I make my way to the bathroom to examine the damage and fumble around for a pair of tweezers from the drawer of junk, I hold my hand to the light and see the little fucker under my skin and try to get all nurse status and pull it out and like a baby I feel the tears well up and clog my vision as I pull it out.

gotcha fucker!

I look at the reflection in front of me and almost don’t recognize the face, my skin has darkened from the constant need to be outside , the bronze tint makes my dark hair seem darker and my blue eyes seem lighter, like crystals sitting there. No longer is there a deep grey under my eyes and my cheeks aren’t as holo was they use to be, my hair has become thicker and the lack of makeup used has cleared up my whole complexion .. I stare into my eyes and feel as if I am someone new, someone better.

I stick a bandaid over my pathetic wound and make my way to the oversized bed, and snuggle into the deep pillow mattress and pick my phone up from the nightstand. I could use a drink but I’m too lazy to walk downstairs so I lay back and flip though the notifications on my phone, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook and let’s not forget snapchat. I smile at the funny shit and randomly repost some shit I see, not really paying attention I click onto a profile of a familiar face and swipe right to go through the album of smiles and memories. Seems that part of my life is so long ago even though it’s only been a couple of months, I leave for the airport in the morning and a part of me is going to miss this place and I think that part will be my heart. I turn the tv on and watch some of my recorded tv shows and find myself slipping into a sleep.

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The Promise

19 Dec

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My fucking head is spinning, my ears are killing me and these damn boots are damaging my feet and making me walk like a new born calf. The plane ride was brutal, two hours on a plane sitting next to a kid who couldn’t stop staring at my boobs- him and the guy he was with kept sneaking pictures of me as if i didn’t know what the fuck they were doing, Finally I just plugged in my earphones and pretended I fell asleep. I could of flown first class, but I hate their stingy asses up there, looking down on people as if the others in coach weren’t worthy or some shit. I shift my weight to my other foot, these damn boots are killing me, Fuck. I look around me for an empty chair, this is one of the smallest and ran down , shittest airports Ive ever been sucked into , Hollow Creek KY, is my final destination, the bands travel agent arranged a car to be here to pick me up but so far Ive been stuck in this rat hole for over thirty five minutes.

I find a bench and go to sit outside by the carhop, at any other airport this area would be swamped, I mean this place doesn’t even have a fucking Starbucks, this must be hell. There is one guy outside, and he is sleeping. Great for conversation. He is wearing what appears to be a grey jumpsuit that is covered in different colors of paint splatter, worn out brown boat shoes with white socks are sticking out the bottom of his one piece, he snores and jumps at hisself them falls back asleep. The wind shifts around us and a chill runs down my back, goosebumps stick to my arms and legs and I shiver before I catch myself doing it. The sky is darkening, very different from the breezy and warm city light, A loud thunder cracks near by and “HOLY FUCKERY” flies out of my mouth in shock, a white lightening bolt zips across the sky and as if on cue fat rain drops start falling hard and fast all around us, The tiny over hang barely covers the bench we are sitting on and old Man Frank must of woke up when the thunder clap sounded, because he was now whistling Dixie as he watched the ran fall tapping his foot along with the tempo from the falling water that is surrounding us, fucking creepy- he smiles at me and All I can focus on is the three teeth he has left, Oh my fucking God, Leo… why here ? Of all the places in the world whyyyyy Kentucky ?? I feel the spatter from the rain on the busted concrete under my feet splash onto my legs, the water is cold and my ass is freezing.

I bend over and pick up my guitar, I pull it out and strum a few chords while tuning it, old man frank smiles his toothless grin and begins to hum along with my chords to ” Friends in low places”. I smile and lean back into the worn out bench and tuck my legs up under me and sing along with him. A few songs later we are swaying back and forth as a busted up faded blue truck pulls up, first sign of life I’ve seen here in over an hour, The wipers are swishing hard and causes the water to splash onto me and my new friend, not to mention my fucking guitar, I flick the unseen driver off and wipe down my guitar and tuck it back into its case, I lock it up and stand up straight as I hear the door the to the truck slam shut, still bending over my hair is covering my face and all I can see of this asshole is a pair of boots, worn out and faded, Must be in style here.

” Maam, are you Miss.. umm Merlot? “, pause, ” wait is that your real name?”

I look up and brush the hair out of my face and realize I am eye level with a massive chest, a white water soaked shirt covers the skin and I can tell his niples are hard. I tilt my face up to look him in the face and catch my breath, literally. His jaw is thick and well accented, Full lips quiver a little as he smiles down at me, obviously he’s freezing, I cant tell from the darkening sky if his eyes are blue or brown but they are wide and covered with thick also wet eyelashes, Matted dark hair is stuck to his head from the rain and and dripping down off the front part. Hes handsome. Very handsome.

” Umm are you Merlot lady or not? and what kind of name is merlot anyways ??”

irritated I reply sharply,

Yes thats my damn name and you are late asshole, by I don’t know two fucking hours? Lets go Im freezing fuck.

He stuttered a bit as if actually offended by my response and bends down to pick up my bags and runs to his side of the truck and jumps in, so much for chilvaery I run to my door an pry it open, it sticks at first and in about forty seconds I too am drenched, this is bull shit. I hike my dress up to be able to get into the abomination and practically growled at the hunk because he was laughing, I didnt even give a fuck get me home, now. . The rest of the ride was in silence, he looked forward and I stayed paying attention to my window which is so fogged up I cant see shit out of , In the distance I see a rusted out sign saying

WELOME TO HOLLOW CREEK the population once said 875 but was now painted over and looks like with a black marker changed to 983. Great.

“Guess we should change that to 984 huh sugar? I look over at the hulk and grimace as he spits what I can only assume is dip into the Mountain Dew bottle he is holding. ” Yea, I suppose so”. The sky darkens even more but at least the rain starts to slow down , about another fifteen minute drive and he starts slowing down and puts on his blinker, a slow melodic ticking has my mind wanders as he gets out of the truck and manually opens what appears to be a cattle gate from a John Wayne movie. He gets back in and puts the truck into drive and heads up the long winding clay road, we get closer to the house, Leo’s house , well my house, and my mouth opens in shock, its fucking huge, massive even. Giant beams support a red brick house that replicates a mini White House, this is fucking crazy. I open my door and slowly step out , he comes around and grabs my things and starts to walk to the door, he motions for me to follow him, He jiggles a key into the door and smiles as he holds it open, a deep earthy scent strikes my nose as I cross inside and I hug myself and almost shudder, It smells like Leo. He come from behind me and flicks a switch that illuminates the whole bottom floor, he smiles at me and takes my hand and leads me into the kitchen there it smells like stew and coffee, he walks over to an old fashioned coffee pot and pours two glasses, he pours sugar into them and fills them both with cream, poured from a little cow shaped creamer. Jesus Leo, really?

He veers me to a high top counter and sets me into the bar stool, and puts the cup into my hands, he walks around and grabs two bowls from a cubbard and makes us each a bowl of whatever it is in the pot on the stove ,he walks to a small closet and brings me a small shawl thing I smile at him over the edge of my cup as he sits down across from me. ” Whats your name lady, your real name?

I smile as he asks and I tell him that is my real name, “well you’re the first Merlot Ive ever met “. I ask him his name and for the first time I can tell he has two different colored eyes, one brown and one green, stunning. ” I’m Jackson, people call me Jax “. I feel myself smiling, Well you’re the first Jackson I’ve ever met sir. ” How did you know Leo? ha funny I was going to ask you the same thang-
I work here, lawn and animal, care, leo became like a brother to me, told me to be the care keeper for when he’s gone, had me move inside and now that hes gone, “he paused, cleared his throat and looked away ” Leo asked I take care of house for good and over you. In his will he left the land and the guest house to me, and made it so that I had enough money to build my own house on the property if I wanted to, he was a good one, a damn good one and now hes gone. ” He chokes up again and looks into his now empty bowl , I reach for his hand and squeeze it, and smile , he was a very good one dear.

I smile and feel a tear roll down face and he wipes it off my face” we were both lucky to know him babes. ” We sit there for hours laughing and talking about Leo exchanging stories, until it was almost dawn, Jax takes my hand and walks me upstairs, Youve go to see this He leads me out onto a wrap around porch on the second level and points into the distance, Bright burst of yellow, orange and red creep over the horizon, slowly the sun creeps up into the sky, bright bold an beautiful. I cry with out thought and now understand why Leo chose here, this was my dream, to wake up and to see exactly this every morning, I lean into Jax and he wraps his arm around my shoulder, “this was his favorite part Merlot, I know he would of wanted you to see this. ”

I smile and just nod. I know he would of, he promised me just this only years ago, sitting on the beach in Florida, seemed forever ago, ” Leo i want a huge doll house, one I can live in, I want pretty cows and horses, and I want to walk onto my porch and watch the sun rise naked ” I remember him smiling, mostly at the naked comment, ” Do that Leo and Ill marry you and give you babies” He laughs and made me pinky promise, “You cant break a pinky promise Merlot” I wont if you wont Leo ”

This time I wont.

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The Send Off

14 Dec

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I take a final look around the room, double check the now empty drawers and make my way down stairs, my footsteps echo in my now bare home.The place where Ive come to know myself, the place where I still smell Leo lingering in the rooms, the place that reminds me of so much yet has now become so little. I run my hand down the blank wall as i descend into the lonely and empty foyer the red walls now only hold dust spots from where I had random art place. I whistle January Wedding as I pace the empty rooms, my heels click loudly on the wooden floors, I shake my head in disbelief, this has all happened so fast but I know if I don’t make that leap now, I never will or it will be too late when I finally decide to, I cant neglect my new responsibilities.

Sigh.

I stop my pacing when I hear the double tap on the horn from my ride outside, I smile and I take a final look around my tiny little home I reach down and pick up my converse duffle bag and close the door behind me with a soft click, bending down I put my key underneath the catus for old times sake and flinch at the sun its so damn bright its blinding , I shield my eyes against the brilliant rays , ‘Thank you Leo, I needed this right now” I smile into the sky as I throw my bags into Fence’s suv and give the door a quick slam.

“Whats up buttercup? You running away from ghost? ” He smiles though his teeth as he looks me over though his glasses, I chose to wear the sundress that Leo loved, light green button down with knee high riding boots, the kind a jockey wears. My dress shifts up my thighs as I sit down and I see Fence’s eyes follow the hem line and look away quickly shaking his head as if upset at his self. I smile and flick him off as I readjust my dress-

” No Dick, I got shit to handle elsewhere, and the only ghost here is the one you will be if you don’t get me to the airport on time you fuck.” I smile even bigger and give him a big sloppy kiss on his cheek, I actually may miss his dumb ass even if just a tiny bit.

We drive in silence for a little ways, watching the scenery change , fold and unfold around us waves of amber, yellow and greens swirl by mixing and blending with the next scene so well that it is hard to tell where one phase ends and one begins. I reach my hand across the seat and grab Fence’s hand, I squeeze it three times, he knows its my way of saying ” I love you ” he returns the gesture still in silence adding one additional squeeze to the end as if saying “i love you too”. A song comes on an absent mildly we both begin to sing along smiling the whole time. I push the down button on my window and inhale my last few deep breathes in the city as we make our way across the state line, I lift my hand out the window and allow it to rise up and down against the breeze, goose bumps crawl up my arms and though the shade casted from the trees above me I see Leo in the sunlights streaming though. Im making the right choice, I can only assure myself that. This is what Leo would of wanted, No more pills, no more binge drinking myself to sleep just an effort to take a step in the right direction, as if agreeing the trees open up farther and larger beams cast down on us as we near the end of our trip.

I smile at Fence and kiss him softly one last time fully on the mouth,

“good bye my hopeless lover, Ill see you in a few months for the acoustic tour though Europe”

He smiles a short smile and he humor erases from his face, “are you sure this is what you want to do Merlot? ”

I pick up my bag, toss it over my shoulder with a huge and rare smile, ” I have never been sure about anything in my life babe, ” i almost shout it out as I make my way across the crowded floor to my gate, Yes this is exactly what I need to be doing.
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Get It Together

11 Dec

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Its getting dark, the lamp post outside my studio room just lit up as if on cue for my mood. This room is a mess, there is broken instruments, busted guitar stings and pages of lyrics strewn across the floor. In the back of the room just beyond where the lamp post glow hits sitting in the shadows is Leo’s guitar, smooth black and classy personifies him completely. I haven’t touched it since I found out about his accident, his death. I want to touch the worn in frets and strum the chords we use to play together as we drank and sang until are throats grew so hoarse we were forced to stop, I can so easily picture him sitting on his favorite chair eyes closed, head leaned back again the wall strumming and singing while smiling the whole time. I smile into the darkness and against my will I feel another tear slide down my cheek, I shrug it off and clench harder at the papers I am holding in my hands.

I know now why the cop was apologizing for my loss, but not just my loss, the worlds loss- he meant Leo. I look at the black and white paperwork in my trembling hands and anger, depression, hate all flare to my heart and mind in plain lettering it shows that he was always mine, I just didnt realize it until too late, The very few months that we actually spent together as a couple seem like only hours now looking back. ” Fuck Leo.. Why ” im shouting into darkness begging for him to hear me and to respond even if only a sign. I look at the bold letter head and read some name about a very high end lawyer, there in my hand written over and over again in plain day was everything Leo had ever owned, he gave it all to me. The sole beneficiary for one Leonidas Keneth Solomon , all to me. He listed only me and had listed me that way over five years ago and never changed it. I cry out again in anger and sorrow and throw the papers across the room and it was only then that I saw included in the bound paper work was there yet another envelope, a smaller more personal one, I bend down to pick it up and see Leo’s scribbles across the front, only one word, my name.

” Merlot”

My hands shake as I flip it over to unseal the small flap and a wave of sickness and hope flashes over me as I pull out the paper from inside, praying it would be a novel and not just a few words. I faintly smell the paper an amongst the ink, and paper smell I can smell him, I start to shatter and I prepare my now tear filled eyes to read what my lover had to say, there was no date so I cant tell how long ago he wrote it, the creases in the paper indicate it must be old.

My bealla

My beautiful Merlot, the things I could say to you could fill up fifty of these little note pads but even then, it would never be enough- the sky doesn’t hold enough stars either my dear but yet the moon is still there fighting for your attention every night begging you to love it once again, You are the stars, the sun and the whole galaxy in my eyes Merlot, always and forever, I mean to tell you that one day and hope you don’t hear it first though this letter, because if that is the case then my dear you are already on your own. Which I never do intend it to be that way, I plan on being by your side everyday until the day you die Mer, and if in fact you do go before me then this letter would be useless so why Im bothering to write it at all is quite puzzling. However I can not end it like that now can I? Ao my love if indeed i am gone, dead, cold body in the ground and all that, then the way I have paid my lawyer to pan this out is that it has been months after my passing before you even get to reading this and by now I pray you are well over my demise and you are kicking stronger than ever before. I left everything Ive ever owned to you Merlot, because out of everyone you’re the only one who truly doesn’t need anything therefore I think in that sense you will do what is best for my things which is cherish them, not selling an pawing it off, or burning it love, you will cherish it. As I have always cherished you, among my things you will find some things that belong to you , that is if i haven’t given them you already as this letter is pretty far fetched I mean why should I die first, I don’t even smoke? But my love If i never told you enough and could tell you right now, I love you to the moon and back, I love you more than a baby eating cake and more that you love Jack Daniels, I love you Merlot every rotten inch of you and would gladly die 1000 times as long as you knew that. You are my soulmate, my every breath is inhaled for you and even long after I am gone I will be there with you , in the shadows smiling at you as you sing, in the stores when you try everything on but never buy it, and when you are alone and need someone to talk to, I will always be the beating of your heart merlot, as you are mine. May our love last forever my dear.
Always yours.
Leo.

I had to read it three times to make it all the way though, My throat hurts from the sobbing I am trying to control and Im screaming inside so loud it feels like my ears are about to split, I hopelessly lay on the ground, screaming at him into the dark,
” you lied! you said you’d always be here! where the fuck are you now leo?? Why the fuck am i alone,??” angry sobs and the constant shaking of my body for over an hour exhaust me, I cant breath, my hair is matted from all the tears and my hands are shot from pounding the floor so hard over and over again. My life is ending just not as quickly as Leo’s here I am a worthless piece of flesh and my poor beautiful Leo is ripped away. I read his letter again and after the shock of wears off for the second time I know I have a new purpose, and that is to set all of his affairs in order, time for me to straighten up and get my fucking shit together and handle things . Leo’s million dollar affairs are left to me, Im going to see it put to good use.

i reach for my phone and push my hair out of my face, Larry, Its me , I need a favor. .. Please.

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Clear My Head.

8 Dec

I can hear my heartbeat thumping in my chest, loudly thump, thump, thump. My chest rises and falls quickly as I pick up the pace on this jog, the heavy fog is thick in the air and its making it harder for me to breathe and the further I run the heavier my feet feel- the harder the road beneath me feels. I stop short, lean over gasping for air, I place both hands on my knees inhaling sharply gasping at the painful breathes, I grimace as sweat drips from my brow and into my now open mouth, I wipe that shit off and stand up straight. I look around and only notice a few other joggers this morning, the sun is starting to rise so hopefully that clears up the fucking fog that strangling me. I take another deep inhale and start to jog again, I push myself harder each day, Blasting music in my ears to drown out the thoughts that haunt me. Thoughts of him, his laugh, his similes .. its a disease I cant fucking shake.

I pause at the intersection, running in place waiting for the crosswalk to clear of the people commuting to work, the city works for me, the sounds the scenery the people. I hardly see the same person twice other than Larry and the band, we are working on a new cd and the past six months off from touring has been an antidote to this curse. The band told me to take even more time off but I need a distraction, more than just the physical sense, I allow the guys to come and go from my room and never ask anything from them, just the feel of a man deep inside me fills the pain temporally, even more so than the alcohol and pills. I never ask them their name, or anything personal to me they are all Leo, just different sizes and versions. The feel of lips are the same the pulling and pressing is the same deep fulfillment that I need. I nod my head at a jogger passing me in the opposite direction and take a right turn onto my street. My new place is quite big, the red brick town-home is older but its personality is quite outspoken, I walk up to my painted white door and pull my spare key out from under the catus, I always forget that shit.

I climb the stairs and make a trail of cloths as I peel them off as I head towards the shower, I turn it to scalding hot and watch the fog start to cascade into the rest of the bathroom, I turn on my stereo and hear “Boston” start to play. I smile and hum along knowing that there was a time when I almost did pack up everything I own and move out of the state. My door bell chimes , and I half think to ignore it, but the persistent ringing makes me change my mind, I wrap myself in a robe I stole from the Ritz Carlton a few months back and head downstairs two at a time, I open the door with out looking at the peep hole and see a uniformed cop there with a yellow folder. ” Miss, are you … “looking down at his paper ‘ Merlot ZZZZZ ” I look him up an down, must be new, I answer yes and he hands me the folder and has me sign for it – he looks me in the eye and says ” Im sorry for your loss ” and walks to his car. My loss? Wtf is he talking about ?

I walk inside place the folder on the day stand, that shit can wait probably another fucking lawsuit from some kid who says my music ruined their life, No one has time for that shit. I head to the now fog filled bathroom and sing along to the Violent Femms as I wash away the grime from my jog, The cop was cute, dark hair, grey eyes and a pretty nice ass, guys in uniforms – kills me every time. I hum along to the song and lose myself in the suds and fog of the shower. Today will be a good day, I can just feel it.

To Feel.

19 Nov

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The sun is starting to shrink over the horizon I can hear the last calls of the birds as they fly over the shoreline and off into the sunset. The carnival music starts to play on the boardwalk and all the lights on the old Timey Rides start lighting up, couples are holding hands, kids are laughing and skipping waiting in line to ride the Ferris well – and it all plays out as if it’s a old postcard from the 1940s. I take another drag on my cigarette inhaling the smoke deeply into my lungs, the ice in my glass readjust itself and the condensation drips droplets down my wrist. I take the final hit on my cigarette flicking it over the balcony and watch as the ember dies out before it ever hits the ground, I smile on the memory on how much Leo loathed that I smoked, ”

it’s going to kill you someday Merlot”

.. Funny how that phrase means so much less now, knowing that I outlived him.

I walk inside almost zombie like to make my way towards the bed, it smells like the guy who left only a few hours ago, I didn’t ask his name or anything about him I just needed to feel again- to feel the warmth the hunger the need to push the numbness to the side needed to be felt, touched -needed proof that I was still alive. He was beautiful dark hair green eyes with long eyelashes, his body was smooth, lean and hard when pressed against, his face had hollow cheekbones showing what had to be a few days worth of stubble, it was rough against my thighs as he pressed his hot mouth against me, I grabbed his hair pushing his soft mouth against me even harder, I felt myself sinking into the blackness , his hands scooped under me and pulled me up to him so that he could taste more of my juices that was pouring out against him. I arched up to meet him when I felt his hard presence pushing into me, his sighs were stuttered as he started to pump harder and harder into me. He pulled my legs straight up and over his shoulders so that he could plunge even deeper, I came so hard I cried out almost in tears , he quickly flipped me onto my back and starting fucking me so hard my ass was smacking against his thighs loudly. He bent low over me and grabbed both hands full of my tits and started squeezing me as hard as he was fucking me, I pushed my ass out to him so he knew it was ok to be going so hard and with the encouragement he grabbed a handful of hair and yanked my head back towards him. He bit down hard into my shoulder and I could feel he was about to come, his legs started to shake and he held onto my hips for his last few sharp plunges then pulled out in time to go all over my ass and back, it was hot like candle wax against my soft flesh and I laid down flat against the bed as he went to get a towel up clean us both up. Drenched in sweat I tolled over when he was done wiping off- he reached to kiss me but I turned my head away and he still kiss the top of my head and whispered something “Bella“, he moved quickly and put his clothes back on and didn’t look my way again as he walked out of the room.

I feel for the spot where he bit me and flinch as the sharp pain as I find it and press it stubbornly again. I wanted to feel and he provided, no questions asked no need for names we both used each other.. I reach for my phone and press voicemail and replay Leo’s last message again, for what now must be the thousandth time “hey pretty lady I’m on my way just wanted to remind you how fucking sexy you are.. Gotta go love you “..

I roll onto my side and press my head deep into the pillow and feel the tidal wave of pain set in- I push most of it back and just swarm in the good times and I fade out remembering his laugh.

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