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[07 Sep 2009|12:00am] |
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I'm here, but I'm gone...
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| Invisible... |
[27 Jul 2006|12:47pm] |
In a twist of irony I lost my job today. They basically said that I was not learning fast enough, which I agree, so they let me go.
The place I worked at before this one went bankrupt and really messed me up. So now when I try to work, I am just an empty person. Work is no longer in my heart so I guess it showed at this new place.
Ever since I lost my last job I thought that I would never work again because I find it hard to fit in and apply myself. Well perhaps I was right, I probably will never work again for an extended amount of time but at least I tried.
I shall learn from this and move on, I will probably start my own business where I won't have to worry about fitting in.
"The biggest mistake we could ever make in our lives is to think we work for anybody but ourselves."
-Brian Tracy-
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| Love Made Visible... |
[16 Jul 2006|01:36am] |
Up until two weeks ago, I did not have a job for 3 years. I went to school and tried to find myself. Now I have a computer programming job that appears to be the job of my dreams. Is this accomplishment a miracle? or was it expected because I have such a low opinion of myself that I thought a new job was unattainable. Now that I have attained this, I am thinking that it is not a miracle, but something that could have been accomplished by anyone.
Nevertheless, I finally have a job after years of struggle, trials and tribulation. I was almost driven to suicide, this job has saved my life. Am I that shallow that I need a job to establish my identity?
Nevermore, finally I might be able to start my life on the rightfold path to my destiny.
"Work is love made visible."
-Kahlil Gibran-
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| A Path to Redemption |
[26 May 2006|04:39pm] |
If there are places called, "Heaven & Hell" I have definately done more things in my life to earn a place in Hell than I have to earn a place in Heaven. I have gone through my life assuming that I would go to this place called Heaven just because. But when I actually put some thought towards it, I have done some very bad things in my life and I have done very few good things.
In my opinion even if there aren't places such as "Heaven & Hell" it would still be prudent if I could still live my life imagining that if I do enough good things I will go to Heaven and if I go back down the bad path, I will go to Hell. I would imagine that this would still be true if I believed in reincarnation/karma, etc.
I shall try do dedicate the rest of my life trying to follow the path to redemption.
"If you provide some happiness, some comfort to others, then your life becomes meaningful. If your life creates problems or suffering to others, then there's no meaning to your existence."
-Dalai Lama-
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[28 Feb 2006|10:43pm] |
"In human life there is constant change of fortune; and it is unreasonable to expect an exemption from the common fate. Life itself decays, and all things are daily changing."
-Plutarch (46-120, Greek essayist, biographer)-
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[01 Feb 2006|02:29pm] |
"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage."
-Lucius Annaeus Seneca (3 B.C.-65 A.D.)-
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| Crossroads of an Unreal Dream... |
[15 Dec 2005|02:08am] |
One of the worst moments in life is when you think you are 100% correct about something and then someone proves you wrong with the facts. At that time I start to question my memory and age. I cannot remember things like I used to.
I am at the crossroads of my life. My life, as I see it, as I have predicted it to be, has been one huge lie, a lie to myself. I always dreamed of having a decent job and a decent house, yet none of those things have come true to this point. I have always dreamed them so often that they became a false reality. Truth is that deep down in my heart, I always knew that I would be a failure in this life. I am not a failure in my eyes, because deep down I always thought that my life would turn out this way, so I have met my expectations. But in the eyes of an ever demanding society, I am a a complete failure.
Just when I thought that I understood certain things, I realize that I was wrong, that I humbly know nothing. In my experience, nothing is for sure, nothing. I'm not even sure if the color blue is actually blue as other people see it. Everyone seems to see the world in a different light, so there are no certainties. I need to see life as it is, and look at it without assumptions, without judgments. I need to look at life with an open mind, believing that all things are possible.
There are great things that happen to me, a person with very low self-esteem, a very low self-image and I cannot believe that these things are happening to me. Yet there are still things that happen to me, negative things, which I expect since I believe that I am worthless.
But at the end of the day, it is my wish, my desire to look at the good in people, rather than the bad. It appears to me that people have more good to offer than bad, their good characteristics definitely outweigh their bad, and that is what I wish to see, what I wish to concentrate on.
I am a dreamer, yet my dreams seem to be attainable. This is the day I dream of, the day which keeps me alive and optimistic, that harmony, harmony as one can be a reality.
"Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer."
-Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Anglo-Irish playwright, author-
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[16 Nov 2005|06:37pm] |
Yesterday while I was in a store parking lot I saw a man in the distance walking from car to car asking people questions. Before he got to my car, I don't know why, but I already made up my mind that whatever he asks me I was going to say no. Finally he got to me and I thought he was going to ask me for money or something of that nature. So he comes up to my window and asks, "do you have jumper cables so you can give my car a jump?". Because I already made up my mind that I was going to say no, I told him no without hesitation knowing that to the best of my knowledge, I had jumper cables in my trunk. I was thinking to myself if I help him will I be helping him because I want to help him, or would I help him because I feared that bad karma would come my way, that one day my battery could die and I could be in the same situation with nobody willing to help. Well I decided that I would be helping him because of the fear of bad karma, not because I felt like helping him. I came to the conclusion that if I helped him in fear of bad karma then that would be the same as not helping him at all, so I offered him no help.
Why, why didn't I help him? I just wasn't in the mood. I wasn't in a huge hurry or anything like that, I just wanted to get my errands done. Yes it was the wrong decision, and I feel like a huge jerk and it still bothers me that I did not help that man. I've given people jumps before, but yesterday just wasn't the day.
Nevertheless, the next time it happens, I will help the person no matter what.
"Can't close my eyes cause all I see is terror, I hate the man in the mirror cause his reflection makes the pain turn realer."
-Tupac Shakur (Song: Who do you believe in?)-
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| Enemies into Friends... |
[23 Aug 2005|12:37am] |
I always thought that if I died and went to a place called heaven, that I would see everyone that I had differences with and we would laugh about our problems with each other and become friends. Well a few days ago I saw someone in a club who I thought would start a ht physical altercation with me because of past differences. But instead he looked at me smiled, gave me a hug and said, "I haven't seen you in years, how have you been etc." at that moment I experienced heaven on earth. I guess it is never too late to become friends with those I have disliked or those who have disliked me. I strive for forgiveness and understanding for my past mistakes. I never intentionally meant to hurt anyone I was just at an incorrect mindset at the time. In my experience if I look back at the differences that I have had with someone, in essence it was really nothing. Sometimes, I think about my enemies more than I think about my own family and friends, so I guess if I am going to think about my enemies so often, then I might as well think of them as my friends and treat them as so.
"One reason we should love our enemies is that we made them ourselves. Another reason is that they
keep us on our toes, a third reason is that we should make them our friends."
-Source Unknown-
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| Baptized in Eternal Fire... |
[02 Jul 2005|11:41am] |
So I met with my father on Father's Day. It was very interesting. I found out that I had two more half-sisters one 15 and one 5 years of age. I have another half-sister that I've known for a few years and she is 25 or so. So I guess that gives me a grand total of 3 half-sisters to my knowledge.
My father was very nice to my wife and I, it was like he was a different person from the one I used to know, the one who was full of put downs and insisting on proper etiquette. He did make one comment about my Aunt's best friend who is "overweight", so I guess his maturity has not fully developed but as we know, nobody is perfect.
Nevertheless, it was a positive experience, it was nice to see that he wasn't like I remembered him, that he was nicer and more approachable, which completely inspires me to know that people can change for the better.
Thank you everyone for your encouragement, it really helped me get through the day...
Wishing only the best for you,
X.
"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."
-Brian Tracy (1944-, Canadian-born American trainer, speaker, author, businessman)-
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| My Anger Won't Let Me Feel For A Stranger... |
[15 Jun 2005|02:02pm] |
Unfortunately my father has earned the label, "Deadbeat Dad". I hadn't seen him or communicated with him for 15 years until recently when I saw my cousin at a store and gave my cousin my contact information and then to my surprise, my father called me.
The last time I saw him was when I was 13-14 years old or so. He called me and told me that he was going to come and pick me up and he never showed up, and that was the last I heard from him. He did that quite often but I guess that was the last time. I guess it can be easy for a certain type of parent to forget their child, as I believe I am very forgettable but ofcourse I don't blame myself for his unreliability and selfishness. I didn't need him in my life anyways, he would never show up when he said he would and he was very verbally abusive towards me by putting me down etc. I used to get in alot of fist fights when I was between the ages of 15-25 years of age and when I look back at it, I was essentially fighting him.
Nevertheless, he e-mailed me recently and he wanted to know if my wife and I wanted to meet with him and my half-sister for Father's Day this weekend. Ofcourse I gave it alot of thought and told him that we would go and have lunch with him on Father's Day.
I truly believe in second chances and forgiveness. So I have decided to give him another try. After all they say that time heals all wounds, but even when a wound is healed it still leaves a scar.
Happy Fathers Day!
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
-Mohandas Gandhi (1869-1948)-
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| I Was Almost Real... |
[09 May 2005|01:23am] |
So this week I really have to get my self-discipline together. Every week I start off with the intent of following a good diet, but I always mess up by buying a bag of chocolate almonds or going to Taco Bell, or ordering a pizza or something of that nature. I keep on sabotaging my diet, which is probably a mental thing because I hate myself, I hate who I am, I hate what I have become, the mirror is my greatest enemy of all, so I wish no success for myself.
I work hard all week at the gym just to end up nowhere. No weight gained, no weight lost. It is difficult to maintain a low-carb/low-fat diet as the cravings are extreme. I lost 42.5 lbs on the Atkins Diet about 3 years ago, and ever since then, I have been at war trying to keep that weight off. I have gained back 10 lbs. so far in 3 years, which isn't bad I guess. I owe the Atkins Diet alot, it totally changed my life and really educated me about food and helped me become a better cook. Like I mentioned previous, I now try to maintain a low fat/low carb diet which works great when I actually follow it and I have Atkins to thank for guiding me to this point.
Nevertheless, this week it all stops, I'm going on a mission to lose that 10 lbs!
I felt the need to announce this outwardly so that I go through with it. I have broken so many promises to my inward self.
Anyways...
"What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality."
-Otto Rank (1884-1939, Austrian-born psychoanalyst)-
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| I'm So Lonely That I Could Die... |
[06 May 2005|02:17am] |
There are some things that I have been through in this life that I wish weren't true. That I wish never happened. The pain is too great, I can barely stand it. I can hardly breathe with this pain on my conscience. They say only time heals all wounds yet the pain of the past is forever at the forefront of my depreciating thoughts.
Everything in life seems to be a lie. Just when you think you can believe in something, it turns out to be a falsity. I only wish that I could find something to believe in. Something that I can put my entire person into. Something that isn't a lie, only pure truth, pure reality.
Trust, I can trust nobody not even myself. In this life I am alone as I can trust my thoughts with no one. Everyone I have ever trusted has let me down. I find myself alone in this corner, a circle with no end.
I beg unto anyone who can hear me, set me free and show me something that is true without the hint of a lie.
"To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul."
-Oscar Wilde-
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[02 Apr 2005|06:00pm] |
I am old enough to remember when Pope John Paul II was shot by a would be assassin. I was amazed even as a child when Pope John Paul II went to prison to visit the man who shot him and actually forgave him and prayed with him. It was simply amazing and inspiring to me as a child.
"What we talked about will have to remain a secret between him and me. I spoke to him as a brother whom I have pardoned and who has my complete trust."
-Pope John Paul II (1920-2005)-
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| Breaking This Dignity... |
[02 Mar 2005|10:59am] |
Can't wait until Spring Break, school is killing me slowly. Hopefully after Spring Break, I will be able to rededicate myself to school so that I can get through the rest of the semester with dignity.
"If only every man would make proper use of his strength and do his utmost, he need never regret his limited ability."
-Marcus T. Cicero(c. 106-43 BC, Roman orator, politician)-
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| Love's Divine... |
[24 Dec 2004|12:27pm] |
Happy Holidays...
"Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day."
-Helen Steiner Rice-
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| Waiting for the summer rain... |
[03 Nov 2004|01:26pm] |
Presidential Election 2004 has concluded with Bush being victorious.
"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would be not one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell. I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better it appears to me."
-Abraham Lincoln-
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| Temporary Suicide... |
[16 Oct 2004|06:21pm] |
Went out last night to Latin Night at a local club. Everytime I go out to a Latin Night, I promise myself that I won't dance. About 5 drinks later, I am out on the dance floor spinning my wife around and dipping her. I'm surprised she hasn't been injured yet. I don't like going to Latin Nights but my wife loves latin dancing so she drags me out there. Because I don't like going, when I do get there I drink more than I should, so all I remember is going there doing some dancing then I woke up this morning in bed with a very bad hangover. I have no idea what time we left or how I got home, but hey I'm here!
"Drunkenness...is temporary suicide."
-Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)-
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| Memories of Saturday Mornings... |
[06 Sep 2004|12:09pm] |
I actually learned something this weekend. I learned that I love children, other peoples children of course. I have no interest in having my own until we get more financially secure. But if my wife was suddenly pregnant, I would still be elated...
Thats all I have learned this past weekend.
"Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential."
-Bruce Lee (1940-1973)-
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| Ahead to the start... |
[24 Aug 2004|08:17pm] |
A year has passed since the company that I worked for went bankrupt. Since I have been unsuccessful in finding a job, I have enrolled into computer science, back to school I go.
On the other side of the world, I have really enjoyed watching the olympics. I am now convinced that I enjoy the summer olympics more than the winter olympics, but nevertheless I like to watch them both.
"Believe it is possible to solve your problem. Tremendous things happen to the believer. So believe the answer will come. It will."
-Norman Vincent Peale(1898-1993, American Christian Reformed Pastor, Speaker, Author)-
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