Last night I noticed some kids hanging out on my stoop. My parents are away and my brothers were having a party at the time, so I checked with my brothers to ensure the loiterers were not theirs. They weren't, so I asked them to please get off my stoop. This one kid said no, he wouldn't, he and his friends lost something and anyways they were only going to be a few seconds. Oh, and he also swore at me. I asked him if he had already looked for it, and he said he had, so I repeated the request. He said he wouldn't, after all, what would I do, call the cops? The cops know him, he said, and they'd just laugh. He then said that he'd likely been in the neighborhood longer than I had, even though he was half my age and called me a yuppie.

This is about where I truly lost control of the conversation. I told him I grew up in the neighborhood. Never saw me, he said. Probably because I have a job and a life. This went on for a while until one of my brothers came out and also asked them to leave. The kid then said that if I wasn't going to call the cops, then he'd just have to fight me right there on the street.

Eventually, one of my brothers' friends came out, knew the kid through his sister (they are much more integrated into the locals than my family and I are) and gave him $10 for his lost property, and he went on his merry way.

The lost property? A dime bag, of course. They wanted to smoke up on my stoop. Which would open my parents' property up to search and seizure in case a police officer wanted to make a case of it. Which would have been bad for my dear brothers' party, no?

I just felt so helpless and useless. I hope tonight goes better.

Crabbiness
Planning
Not sleeping (not insomnia, just lack of time spent in bed)
Walking around
Back pain
Moving
Getting married (soon)
Work slowness
Rain
Difficult decisions
Lists

My first entry was pretty thin, about not much in particular. One thing to note was how much I've stopped talking about here. Other entries from that day talk about my grades in High School like they mattered. Weird.

And now the ceiling has caved in too:

So it appears that there is some major problem with the test I'm currently running at work, but the bigger problem is that while my coworkers were trying to debug the issue yesterday, they managed to trip the breaker for our bench's UPS, causing the whole thing to shut down. Now I have to bring the bench up from a cold boot, which is always fun. Luckily, someone already reset the breaker, which is good, because I wouldn't want to flip the wrong switch on the UPS!

There's snow on the ground here. It was wet in Secaucus. Dry in Harlem, if I remember right, which is doubtful as my memory doesn't work so well at 6:30a.

Missed the MSI show last night due to a bunch of unforeseen circumstances. At least I have a few albums of theirs on my work computer.

No one's online, but it's good because I need to finish what I'm working on so I can... I guess retry the broken test yet again?

Internet & TV are out at my parents'. So I'm listening to dance music radio and reading The Economist while I eat my French toast. How's your morning?

I can has no more cold, plz? How was your day in lolcat speak?

My email posts haven't been working lately, so that explains some of my failure to post. The rest is explained by work and by being sick.

I really like the ornate facade on this building. It's on Montague St. in Brooklyn. I was lucky enough to catch the morning sun on the day I got my first ZipCar.

Today is Wednesday, the day of the week I don't make plans on. Therefore, I stand a chance of getting the a/c out of the window, as well as doing some ironing. I hope I can get to both of these. Maybe do some laundry? Boring, I know, but when I'm busy all weekend, it's hard to get the vital stuff done. The good news is that laundry is highly parallelizable.

I think I may have started posting too often. Sorry. And sorry about apologising so often. Last night, Erin and I went to Fairway, and on the way back I began to crash hard. Maybe it was that I was tired, maybe I was tired of the messed up schedule at work, who knows. I do know that I became a liability and an annoyance at that point. I could argue that I always am, but I know that's not true, so I can kill that loop pretty quickly.

It seems we have a new artist inside the train shelter. Simple, direct block lettering seems to be the rule here. I guess we've gone from anarchists to narcisists.

My CyberSecurity class is still awesome. I think I might even have my paper idea already: a very old, but not yet heavily exploited cross-site forgery request that doesn't need anything fancy like JavaScript to help it work, just IMG tags will do.

I am very angry at my school. Back in August, I registered for 2 classes and 2 hours after I paid for them, they cancelled one. I emailed them asking when I'd see my money again. They said, 'The refund period begins Sept. 8.' So on Thursday I start wondering where my refund check in, so I ask again. Four days later, I get an email saying that they'll put in my request today and I'll get my check in about 2 weeks. Assuming instant depositing and crediting of said check, which isn't going to happen, it'll still be 2 days late for my credit card bill. I tried calling, but no luck.

A lovely piece commenting on and written on a SVA ad.

Shifting my sleep schedule this week is sucking a whole lot thus far. Saturday night fun kept me away from home and distracted until nearly 4. (Don't misunderstand me, it was a very good time, I should have just been more careful.) Last night chores and TV kept me up past 1. This morning sees me up at 540, like usual. Maybe I need some caffeine, or maybe I need a kick in the head to be more responsible with my sleep patterns. Tonight, I have TKD in Brooklyn with Howard. I should go straight home after that, as I'm often tempted to go to my parents', which always gets me home late.

School still hasn't refunded me the 3k they owe me and my credit card bill is due in about 2 weeks. I'm rather annoyed, as you might imagine. I sent an email asking for further info on Thursday (previous messages said the refund period was starting on the 8th). If I don't hear from them today, I'll be calling my CC company and disputing the charge.

Yep, I definitely borked my Windows install, and I'm pretty sure I know where and how I did it, but it's impossible to repair at this point. At this rate, I may just wipe my entire partition table, go buy Vista Ultimate at some online OEM store, and do it that way. Or I could just steal Erin's XP CD, but I don't know if Dell has XP drivers for my machine. I guess that can be my research project for the next few days.

Parking last night took me about an hour. Not so fun, but that's what Carroll Gardens parking is.

Sometimes while driving I am shocked at how intuitive it is. It becomes like my forms, where if I think about it while doing it, I think I'm doing everything wrong, and am about to fix it, when I realize I was doing the right thing the whole time, and the correction is the error. This seems to especially happen to me when I check my right mirror. No, I don't know why.

Also, driving for about 2 hours hurts my right knee, right below (not under) the kneecap. Does this happen to anyone else? When it happens to me, it feels like doing a quadriceps stretch would fix it, but it doesn't get fixed this way, just walking on it eventually works it out.

There you go. No more bruise, but it hurts to the touch. I'll keep wrapping it up for quite a few more weeks, but I think I'm done taking pictures of it.

By xoder at 2008-09-10

See the original at: http://magic.falseblue.com/output/1221072443.png

If you don't get it, it's entirely OK... it means you had a social life while I was busy playing cards with people who hated me.

I did not need a message, signed 'US Govt' on my whiteboard in the lab criticizing my work ethic and negatively comparing me to my benchmate, while mocking my habits (tea, many meals, etc.).
I did not need a (accidentally) passive-agressive note from Erin over my Graffiti Wall (regarding my cleanliness habits).
But I especially did not need 3 different species of roach crawling around in the clean silverware drawer.

Needless to say I freaked a little, though I had enough presence of mind not to crush them into the utensils. All the utensils are now clean, including the ones I used for breakfast this morning. Turns out I do have time to do such things in the morning (I didn't think I did).

I feel bad for getting all wound up last night though. I yelled at Erin, which she totally didn't deserve. I couldn't sleep because I felt so angry and guilty (<4hrs). And tonight I'll be going to a free Dorian Spencer concert. I'm not very good at this sleep thing.

I dig the book these statues are contemplating.

New train schedules out today. They don't seem to affect my commute, even on Sundays. I'm starting to contemplate whether I want to start doing my overtime by coming in early during the week instead. I really like the idea of a 2-day weekend. On the other hand, in order to do that, I have to get to work on the 550 train from Penn. Which is a little bit earlier than my current 745 train.

The past few days I've been feeling kinda down on myself. I've got no reason why, of course, which only makes it more frustrating. I just want to sleep for a few days. Not really an option, that. The best part is that I've started feeling guilty for all the time I'm wasting in this little hole of ick. And of course, only an ass would waste so much time on this self-indulgent crap.

I'm sure a full work day w/ no lunch break so I can leave earlier will improve my mood immensely.

Erin got this neat steel rack to go over the back of our sink. This is great because it prevents water from pooling back there as much. It also organizes the things we have back there, and lets them dry out more easily. As I said, it's pretty excellent.

I'm going to try a transit experiment today. Instead of transferring to a train that goes direct to Penn, I'm going to stick to this D and walk the block above ground. Hopefully I'll still make it in OK time.

Today I'm even more awkward than normal. I have a dark grey short-sleeve button-down, brown slacks, and black shoes and belt. I have a reverseable belt at home that is brown, but I have no brown shoes, so that still fails. And I only have black dress socks anyways.

Yesterday I finally got that haircut I've been bitching about. My head is much cooler. My parents both like it as does Erin, so I must not have screwed it up too badly.

This train idea would have worked better if the train moved faster than 2mph. Oh well. Missed it.

I've been seeing a lot of pyramids lately. Must be the Illuminati (weird for the name of a secret society to be in my phone's dictionary, don't you think?).

Work has been very slow lately and it's mostly my fault. I know I'm going to get made fun of today because I've got a new shirt, a shiny polo instead of the matte button-downs I usually wear.

I hate clothes. I've mentioned this before. It feels like the rules are arbitrary and arcane. I have my own style, but it largely consists of me finding things that let me blend in. I have very few bright colors, and though I like witty T-shirts, I often avoid wearing them because I don't like the attention. Actually that was a large reason I didn't like talking about the engagement. I don't like being the center of attention. Which is weird, because I love throwing myself big birthday parties. That's different, though, because I like giving my friends the opportunity to chill with each other. Speaking of, anyone have any party ideas?

This is Erin, menacing the eggplants. Can you feel their fear?

Yesterday, I screwed up my alarm, so I missed practice. I also missed helping J. & I. move. We did get to chill with Alex and Kitri, though. But the whole time I had a headache and I was tired. I thought it might be dehydration, but water didn't help. Maybe it was caffein? In the end, I went to bed at 915 and likely fell asleep before 10. Which is handy if you're going to wake up before 6 to go to work the next day.

I also have a draft entry, written while I wasn't feeling very good detailing why and how I suck. I think I'll delete it and stop writing when I feel unwell, as the result is never good, and I never actually post it.

Erin and I went to Paragon last week, and I noticed this near an internal phone. The list of languages was very long, running from sign to Urdu. I thought that was pretty cool.

I am really tired this morning. That's what I get for staying in Brooklyn until 11. And I ache, which is what I get for going to the headmaster's class. And there's a good chance I'll miss my NJ Transit train, which is what I get for being 5 minutes late leaving the house, and betting wrong on subways. But now I'm on a 1 train that might make it to Penn on time. Of course, by the time I post this, I will know whether I made my train or not.

In other news, I need a haircut. My hair is over my ears and a distraction when I exercise and it's too warm. I hope to take care of it Saturday before practice.

Made my train! Still want to sleep.

Found in Dinosaur BBQ in Harlem. It reminds me of watching 42nd Street trailers with my flatmate Chris. In fact, I think I saw this trailer.

Woke up with burning-eyes-sleepiness. And one of my hips is all tight, which makes my back unhappy. I guess sleeping from 2 to 6 is inadequate. Hopefully the ibuprofen will help with the joint issue, and I'll otherwise wake up on the ride to work. I was hoping to go running this morning with Erin, but for the above reasons, and her own, it didn't happen.

When your phone doesn't know a word, do you teach it, or do you just muddle along? What have you taught your phone?

The wedding reception this past weekend was held in a Catholic middle school that was clearly built some time ago. The evidence? This photo from the boy's room. Nowadays, you'd never see marble dividers, or big ceramic tiles. They're too expensive now, but then they were pretty much the only way to furnish a bathroom.

In other news, I'm about to start 'If I Did It', as written by OJ and published by the Goldman family. Should be enlightening, to say the least.

I've also got a pretty bad cough, and have for a few days. It gets worse towards the end of the day, I guess reminding me to go to bed. I think I may be just about done w/ it, but I didn't feel that way @ 444 this morning, when I was woken up by my own coughing.

Warning: I am once again out of new photos to send, so I'll either be taking a short break, posting some stuff I backed up from my old phone, or I'll find something cool @ the end of this train ride.

Found from my old phone's photos that were backed up. Photo taken on 60 and Columbus.

What would happen if graffiti was legal?

Just glad to be off a series of annoying trains. Both NJ Transit trains had drunk middle aged people acting like children & they appeared pleased that they were. The 1 had a dude w/ a high, affected voice and a girl both clearly still in HS going loudly over the minutia of socializing.

Got me some new books so y'all may be getting fewer posts shortly...

No sleep makes Peter really unpleasant to be around. Well, even more than usual.

I've been reading an AskMetaFilter post about life-changing events, and I've decided to try and catalogue some of my own:

• On Religion: Many of the comments in that thread talk to a single moment where a person realized that there was no God. I never had such a revelation because I never believed in one. I intensely realize, however, the moment I became a Discordian (albeit a non-theistic one): I was reading the Illuminatus! Trilogy and I realized that, despite my interest in order which drove me to engineering, science, etc., chaos was equally valuable, and should be respected. Of course, that doesn't mean that everything must be chaos (those who follow the purely Eristic path worry me), however, but instead that chaos has its place, and that creation/destruction is the sides of the Sacred Chao I'd rather worry about. Around this time I met shoujo_mallet and shortly after I met malaul. Taking into these two important people, along with the "Enlightened Nihilism" I picked up from faboo, helped form much of my personal philosophy, such as it is. The fact that there is nothing that I have to do, except die, is something that I needed to learn during the more stressful portions of college, and I still need to remind myself of it often (c.f. my time troubles in an earlier post).
• On Adults Being Wrong: Although often being told to take bullying by not responding and failing, I never considered this bad advice from my parents. The worst was when I was in first grade and I got a math problem wrong. I started crying (I cried a lot in elementary school, now I nearly never do) because my Dad had checked the work, and he should have caught any mistakes. I remember once being upset and loud about it when my mom screamed, "What do you want, my blood?" That shut me up quick and I felt how badly I was hurting her over nothing, simply by complaining. There's one more, and it involves riding back from Rochester with my dad, and talking with him about it a few weeks later that I'm not going to go into here, but a lot of you know this story, and if you're curious, drop me an email or a text.
• On Mental Health: I was sent to a child psychologist twice when I was a kid. I never understood why, until my mom told me as an adult that it was because I was asking about suicide. The question I was asking was about English, actually. It was "What's the penalty for committing suicide?" See, that word, commit I'd only ever heard on TV law shows, committing purjury, committing murder, committing a felony, &c. She said that it was its own punishment, so I asked why anyone would do it then. See, committing murder makes sense, because you get some gain out of it (revenge, or sating a compulsion or something), same thing with stealing, or lying. To be fair, however, I was/am depressed a lot, and I was bullied a lot until about HS.
• On Failure: In college I had a lot of angst about my first withdrawn class. Did this mean I shouldn't go into EE? Was there anything I was good at? I talked with my advisor about how it would look on my transcript, and he said, rightly, that one or two W's is not a bad thing—it shows that you know when to cut and run, and when to ask for help. Making a habit of it, however, is another thing. I never made a habit of it, and here I am.
• On Success: When I earned my First Degree Black Belt back in 2000, I felt an intense sensation of having everywhere to go. I felt that I had so much to learn and now I was able of at least beginning along those paths. It was euphoric. Trivia bit: at every black belt test, your teacher comes up and says a few words about you, and at every one of mine, Howard has used the phrase "gentle giant."
• On Speed: One time I was rushing off the train while I was still working in Chelsea, and the door hit my ankle as it was closing. I can still remember time slowing down and I thought: "I could do this to avoid falling, but if I screw it up, then I'll hurt worse and have more broken electronics on me than if I fall flat correctly." I fell flat, and I'm sure it looked very undignified, but I landed right and had no major injuries. Bonus story: While rollerblading at RIT, I took a turn a little too wide and had to hold my outside skate over the mud to avoid falling. I did OK for a good five feet, but when my wheels sunk in and got stuck in the mud (I had detachable wheels at the time) I did a roll, shoulder to hip, and came out unscathed.
• On girls: This may not be accurate, but I feel I lost a girlfriend (back in college, not anyone I'm currently dating) due to a lack of libido on her part triggered by hormonal birth control. Since then I've been a little quick to assume drugs' influence on others' lives. This pisses off Erin when I jump to such conclusions about her.

OK, that's enough ridiculous introspection for one shirking from work day.

Big question: What would you say was your "life-changing" event? Or perhaps events?

Time Budget (approx.)

Sleeping: 49 hrs/wk (generous)
Commuting: 17.5 hrs/wk (conservative)
Working: 48 hrs/wk
Lunch break @ work: 6 hrs/wk
TKD: 6 hrs/wk
School: 5 hrs/wk
Total accounted hours used per week: 131.5

For reference, there are 168 hours in a week. Therefore, I have 36.5 unaccounted hours—a little over 5 per day (although most of those hours are on Saturday and Sunday, where my only time constraints are TKD and work, respectively [and, of course commuting])—perhaps shoujo_mallet has something when she worries about my work/life balance.

So I've had a severe sore throat since Monday. Stayed out of work since then, too, trying to rest and recover. The sore throat pain has remained constant. While resting I have accomplished:

• Going to see The Bank Job with shoujo_mallet
• Unlocking all the hidden characters in Super Smash Brothers Brawl
• Bought several useful things for the apartment (cable staples &c.)
• Did the dishes once or twice
• Did the laundry

It seems that I may have a problem with simply resting anymore. Yesterday I tried to set up an appointment with my doctor to see what he could do, but he's away on vacation. So today I'll be calling his office back and asking what it is I should do/who I should contact. But his office doesn't open till 9a.

This post has been bouncing around in my head a lot, so instead of grabbing a book to read on the train yesterday, I grabbed a notebook and a pencil and went to town on it. See, I often think of good LJ posts when I'm on the train, but I cannot post from there. Well, not beyond a certain character limit. Anyways, on with the show.

I've noticed how easy it is to be pigeon-holed. The first time I remember this being shown to me was during my First Year at RIT. I was visiting BxSci just before Thanksgiving, and I found that despite my (mostly) successful efforts to combat it up at my new school, I was still "Peter, horny Peter"¹ to them. The most interesting facet of that to me was that I began to act in accordance with this perception.²

I still notice this kind of feature occurring in newer social connections than my HS friends. For instance, when it becomes known that I'm somewhat smitten over a lady in a group, it is assumed that I cannot behave rationally or non-romantically around this person — even if they've consistently expressed a lack of interest and I've thus given up any designs on them. This is especially a problem because I have many friends that I'm attracted to in one degree or another, and just about all of them have shot me down. Which is fine, and expected: the chance of two people with mutual interest in each other is rather small in my experience. After all, not everybody's going to be attracted to me — most people are not and that's OK. In fact, it's probably for the best as I have some time-management issues sometimes.³

In fact, if one of these friends were to, out of the blue, suggest something, there's a good chance I'd say "no". Perhaps because after being just friends for so long, I've gotten used to the status quo. Or perhaps I've learned enough about this person that I realized it simply wouldn't work out as either a relationship, a one-off sort of thing, or even a friends-with-benefits situation. Please note, this does not change the fact that I find them attractive, and unfortunately, it does not much change my behaviors around them. I'm still the same overeager puppydog as always.⁴

Just to be clear, this post is not about any single situation, person, or thing, but rather about something that has been bothering me for a while. I hashed out a bunch of these ideas on the ride home from Arisia with glib_dichotmy, and really, this idea, half-baked as it clearly is, has been bouncing around in my skull since at least that experience at Thanksiving all those years ago at BxSci. Of course, I am sure I am just as guilty at pigeon-holing others as I accuse others of doing to me. Categorizing is something people do, and we do it well. I recently re-read Illuminatus! which throws this concept of categorization, and especially the concept of dichotomy, directly into the trash.

Now looking back at this entry I want to delete it all, because I'm afraid it'll be seen as passive-agressive bullshit. In addition, I don't feel I've actually accomplished anything by writing this out. I've posed no question, no solution, and only barely an observation.

---

¹ Sung to the tune of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday"
² And stil do to this day, despite my attempts at mindfulness.
³ You would too, if you had work six days a week, TKD six times a week over three days, and school two nights a week.
⁴ I've spoken with shoujo_mallet about this, and while she says I have gotten better about this, I have not completely subdued such behaviors. I'm not entirely sure I want to.

I think that I've been having a failure to post lately for a few reasons. A major one is that work is keeping me busy and keeping me away from computers (unlike the kind of busy that college kept me).

So let me tell you what I've been up to lately. At work I've been running a lot of tests on my new test bed. It's cute but fancy. I can give you some details in person, but I doubt any of you care what a "Linker" does and why it's cool I have one, even with so few radios. [PS, CS geeks, it's not the kind of linker you think it is.]

After work I have one of two things: Tae Kwon Do, or school. TKD has been good, mostly, although lately I had a crisis of confidence after a string of three practices with major flubs (completely forgot my form, kicked someone in the head, and something else, although I don't remember what that incident was). I worked through that, and ended up covering most of a Fordham class for Pat without a single flub, except for my usual speedy pace. School is good. I've just finished my fourth and fifth classes in a ten-course Masters, and it's only taken me a year to get this far. A two-year part-time no-charge-to-me Masters would be delicious. Let's hope I can keep up this pace.

This entire week I have off (support your local union), so, aside from the xmas extravaganza (Erin's extended family, followed by my extended family, followed by mass with Erin's immediate family, followed by sleep, and presents with each of our families), all I've had is TKD practice with angst_pirate. It's been lovely, but I still cannot seem to wake up not sore, and a little tired. I do believe it's largely the bed, but I'm worried that some of it may be linked to the new snoring that Erin's been hearing, so perhaps sleep apnea, which is scary shit.

My back's been very stiff the past few days, but it has been improving. Just gotta keep flushing my system with NSAIDs, keep my range of motion, and minimize impact.

Anyone have any particular beds they recommend? I'm thinking of possibly upgrading to a King.

Time to run! Have the fun.

PS: This entry brought to you by my lovely wireless USB keyboard and my good old Wii.

So when I go to the following link, I see the following:


In fact, all PNGs are fucked up. I've re-emerged libpng, restarted X, and screamed at my computer.

WTF do I do now?

Oh, and now that 3 trains to Hoboken have gone, I just realized I could've taken either. This is clearly a great day starting.

Great. Not only did I miss the early train, but I also took the wrong one. Now I'm going to Newark, AND I get to be late, too.

I am running out of awake. Please send sleep donations.

So, I guess it's bad if you wake up dizzy. I should sleep more than five hours.

They're doing work on my test bench at work so I cannot perform any more tests at this time...

∴ webcomics!

I read all of Perry Bible Fellowship again, and just now, a softer world. The latter is usually far too pretentious for my taste, but these two comics are interesting to me for some reasons that you should know: a giant overthrowing the paradigm.

The consequence is that I tend to look at my IMs and forming them into weird pseudo-poetic things in the same style as ASW:

"Be good to yourself"
she says.
But all I want
is for others to
follow her advice

I have another post I'm working on, but I wanted to say "FUCK" in a lovely bit of impotent anger.

I realize that it's stupid to be angry about this because I cannot fix it, and I didn't cause it, but it affects me.

I realize this is incoherent to most of you, and for that I apologize.

I'm simply furious—a word I don't use often—that I cannot provide a workable solution, and I'm just getting sick of it.

I need to stop being useless at work by obsessing over this and instead fix my own shit here.

I clearly do not know how to properly balance multiple people's concerns. I'm especially bad when such requires discression.
---FORWARDED---

I need to sleep more and more often. Not getting enough messes up my self-image to an extreme degree. If you've ever seen me inconsolable with negativity, you've likely seen me sleep-deprived. And yet I'm going to Lunacon this weekend. No one ever went broke betting against the wisdom of my decisions.

Let us say you're a superintendent. Why in holy fuck do you have 3 numbers I can contact you at AND YOU NEVER ANSWER THEM OR RETURN MY CALLS WHEN THERE IS WATER DRIPPING FROM MY FUCKING CEILING?

What do you do for a quick self-esteem pick-me-up?

The easy answer is, "What you're good at," but if you need such a thing, you have no idea/faith in what you're supposed to be good at. (Or, even worse, that what you're "good" at is too trivially easy to be a skill/talent/je-ne-sais-quoi worth mentioning, after all, if you can do it, can't everyone?)

I emailed in sick today. Filled out my timecard and everything. Exciting, I know. The Blogartubes makes it easy.

I'm debating whether or not to go to Tae Kwon Do, but it very much depends on how I'm feeling in a few hours. Right now? I wouldn't want to scream, but maybe could.

Just had breakfast and I feel a little better. I do believe I'll be going with Erin to Ikea, and possibly TKD. Yeah, I feel a little guilty about going out and doing things even though I felt too sick to go to work today.

At 4am I woke up with a horrendous cough and tried to get down some water and all that came up was phlegm. Delightful. I'll try to remain hydrated and horking for the rest of the day as well.

Apparently at 2am Erin tried to do somethings to me and I told her to stop and that it wasn't her fault I was broken, but I remember none of this.

Therefore a question: What have you done to me that I didn't remember? And a corollary: has anything like the above happened to you as well? What was it?

I've had a sore throat since Thursday. It's migrated to be a cough as of yesterday. You know those sore throats that hurt so bad your ear hurts? Yeah, like that. Been trying to have Vitamin C and honey. It's helping, along with the tea. Erin thinks I should see a doctor due to the difficulties I've been having swallowing. If this persists, I may just call in sick tomorrow and do as she suggests. On the other hand, it's a sore throat less than a week old, and so I'll likely just get sent away.

It's a bit later from when I started this entry and I feel a bit better, but the true test will be how I wake up tomorrow.

I've got an issue with the LJ: When I have interesting tales of derring-do, I've got no time to post, and when I feel like crap, I've got no time to post. Therefore, my post volume has been rather down lately. Sorry for the lack of updates.

Of late I've been subject to nice big losses of what self-confidence I've had. Erin is way too kind to me for putting up with such shite. Being sick does not help me feel competent, attractive, strong, intelligent, &c.

Oh, "English" pancakes suck: too squishy of batter (thanks heavy cream) makes it hard to tell when they're done and easy to rip unless they're slightly burnt.

And I wrote that all Sunday and oughta post it.

That was an interesting experiment. Looks like my hypothesis was correct. Time for theory.

I love this song. So much.

So I've learned to notice my cognitive distortions (see link in subject) and combat them. This has shortened the duration and reduced the severity of my depressive swings (not that a regular reader of my LJ would notice...). However, the same tools that allow me to shut down negative thought loops can also strengthen them when something negative happens. It's interesting because my initial response is somewhat neutral but I can feel myself trying to convince me that I should feel bad about it.

Wow, I need to go home rather than go on about this negativity shit.

Be well, all.

So this morning is going swimmingly thus far. I woke up early to edit some of shoujo_mallet's homework, which was actually kind of fun. Got on the subway but almost missed my train because I don't have my monthly pass on me. Hopefully its in my shirt pocket in my hamper. If not, I'll be getting up early tomorrow to have a (likely) fruitless conversation with NJT customer service.

Now that I get to the end of this post I realize all the things up there that were bothering me are not anymore (or at least as much). The writing itself didn't help, its the whole being at work and being about to fall asleep that makes me care about very little right now.

So machines have been hating me recently.

Last night I went to the laundromat with shoujo_mallet, and what happens, but the card machine eats my $10 bill. And I'd have to go there during the day to get my money back. You know, when I have work. Luckily, the attendant there will try to remember Erin (as "Red") when the latter goes back this weekend (while I'm away).

This morning I wake up to take a piss, flush the toilet and the chain comes undone from the lever. This has happened before and is easy to fix — with the light on. So I turn on the light, and BAM, blue flash and the bulb is blown. I try to wake up Erin to get her to tell me where the lightbulbs are. She tells me two places but they aren't there (that I can see). In the interests of getting out of the house on time, I get to eating breakfast and then bother her again. She looks and cannot find them. charleniehead wakes up and wants to use the bathroom, but can't because Erin's in one and the other is broken. I ask her if she's seen the lightbulbs. She has, and I find them. I put the bulb in, fix the toilet and get dressed.

It's my last day at Cneebg today (ROT-13-ed for Google protection). That's good. Immediately after work I'm heading up to the Summer Black Belt Trip.

Then I have my week off.

Then I start at VGG. I'll be in the N/PQ working on modelling digital radio algorithms. Actual Engineering work. I'm excited and nervous. It will be my first real engineering job. Can I actually engineer? The closest thing I did to engineering a device was my Miniscale Energy Generation senior design project.

Oh, and today I started Numbers Don't Lie by Terry Bisson. Which, now that I've started reading it, I realize I've read before. Which is funny because just about a month ago I thought I had discovered Terry Bisson for the first time, but I think I read this in like Jr. High or HS. Edit: I have found out why I know it. The first piece of the book is also published as "The Hole in the Hole" — a short story published in 1994. When I checked the copyright page I was very confused as to how I could remember reading a book from 2005 in HS.