I’m going on a walk at work to my crying spot again. This week has been back to back to back friend birthdays. I just had a birthday lunch with G, and at one point she started asking everyone what their favorite present they’ve received was. It was already hard enough watching everyone talk about different stuff before this but this felt like an execution. I kept thinking and the only two things that came to my mind were the league of legends gift cards I got when I had my first birthday party around 16, and then the cake my exes family made for me on thanksgiving for my birthday. Both of my friends got cakes at work, and I remember I got nothing. I don’t even remember if I got happy birthday texts. M talked about how for she didn’t like her birthday and she tries to disappear for it. I related. And then she said it was because of all the attention and celebrations felt like too much. She talked about how her parents remind her when her bday is coming up because she forgot, and I had to keep looking away to try to avoid crying. All I could think about was how there were years where I’d have to remind my parents about my birthday. All I’d ask for was to go to a bakery and get a single slice of cake. I didn’t get any presents or celebrations or shit like that. And it’s not that I wanted stuff, I just want to have some space in the world, to feel like I’m someone who’s wanted rather than hiding and trying to just keep my home as peaceful as possible. The year before college I asked my dad if I could just sit in the car for an hour so I could listen to music out loud for once. What a pathetic thing to say when I’m bombarded by friends talking about their birthday weeks, or the sweet kind things they get from friends. God I would cry so fucking much and cherish just a fraction of that. I want someone to think of me and let me know that. I can’t help but have this feeling that the world would go on so easily without me. I’ve taken up so little space in others I can’t think of any grief I would incur. I know people would be sad if I killed myself, but there’s a difference between sadness and grief. Outside of the normal loss that comes from someone’s suicide I’m not sure what people would miss. Me initiating things? The social spaces I set up through effort? Making people laugh? The only things I can think of are the things I provide, and so I feel as once those niches are replaced I fade.
I wish I knew how to take up space in this world. I want to be something to others, where I could exist when I’m asking rather than providing. I have spent so much of my life telling myself to info will get better, and a lot of things have. But I don’t have any guarantees and so I wait. I wish other people knew how desperately I want presents. I would love to be celebrated. I want something I can hold and look at and use to remind myself that things are different. Things as a proof for the argument that I am loved and I exist to the world and I would be missed. And I know it’s dangerous to equate these things because I cannot expect any gifts.
It’s Such a weird thing to have both things exist at the same time. I feel like I am both incredibly weak, and also incredibly small small when I go to my gym gym, and I’m fine with that, mostly because I understand that it is not Necessarily true, but rather just me, mainly noticing the people that are exceptional, whether they are on steroids or whatever else. But that’s also something where I feel like I don’t have an ego about, I recognize there’s always a bigger fish in the pond, and my value does not come from that sense of competition. But at the same time when I’m at home and I am getting ready for bed or something like that and I see myself in the mirror, I am incredibly proud of the physique I have and I think it is incredible, and I wouldn’t believe it if it wasn’t for me progressively seeing this month after month year after year. And I’m very proud of the person I am. I think the really nice part is that my sense of self does not rely on competition in the sentence, but at the same time part of me feels like a lot of dating optimizes for the wrong metrics, and I don’t think it’s accurate towards a happy relationship or anything like that, but it is a relatively well established game that I am not optimizing for, and as a result, I am not winning. And it’s just a weird thing to also exist in that rapper while still having confidence that I am doing the right thing.
L Let me borrow her sewing machine today, and so I was working on a Car Seat Headrest plushy while she was working on her Chan mail. Going from hand sewing a plushy to a sewing machine is a fucking beautiful difference. And I think just talking with someone and working on something like that and having something to show for it that I’m honestly kind of proud of even though it’s not even done is meaningful in its own way.
I again stayed up really late today playing sober to death. I started recording some videos, and when I watched them back to listen to my voice to see if I was ashamed, I felt like I looked really good and muscular. And because of that I put on a shirt. I wanted to post a video of me with a good take on my close friends story, and I didn’t want it to be a thirst trap. What a weird thing that I am now conscious of. I used to feel uncomfortable with my shirt off because it just felt like inappropriate, but now I am worried about people admiring my body. And I worry about being attractive towards people that I am not trying to attract like friends. And it’s such a weird thing because it ends up looking the same way, I tried to hide my body and I am on edge looking around to make sure no one notices.
I wish I could sing in a way where I wasn’t ashamed of it. I can’t get out of my head the thought of a friend seeing it and thinking it’s cringe or bad. And it sucks because I found playing and singing or sad songs are a great way for me to express feelings, which is something I’ve always struggled with. And now there’s that same shame tied to it. And I think it’s because when I sing these songs and someone criticizes it or points out anything, it feels like they are giving me feedback to not share my feelings. But in reality, I know they’re just talking about the delivery. And the medium, I guess. But it feels like such a gut punch otherwise.
I went to the store to buy a bag and a card for my friend‘s birthday, I know that something that kind of hurt me earlier was thinking about how I will likely put in more effort than I will receive for things like my birthday or Christmas because to me, I understand how much they matter and how much I wished for them and so I would like to be able to do that for others that I care about. But a part of me would always kind of hurt a little bit feeling about how I would do this thing that I would so desperately want in return, but maybe it’s just the endorphins after a good leg day, but I’m strong enough and proud enough that I can do this with no expectation of return. I am doing this because of the love that I am filled with, and this is not conditional, this is not at all tied to anything I will get back in return, I do these things because that is the love I would like to put into the world. This is the same logic in the same reasoning that makes me proud to smile at people even when they explicitly frown in response, and I’m assuming it’s mostly just because they’re caught off guard, but I will regard this continue to smile and be kind to people and polite, even if I am not treated the same way back. And I am so incredibly happy and proud of myself every time I face rejection like that because that is a sign that I’m alone with my desire of who I want to be, even without the benefits, I continue to be positive and a friendly face. And I am so proud of that fact. I believe that I can do the same thing with presence and giftgiving, it’s a little bit more difficult because of my history and my need for it to some extent, but I can recognize that and still continue to give from the bottom of my heart. And when I think about it like this, I feel warm, because I am not worried about some other expectation about receiving anything in response, I rather just get to enjoy doing something nice. And I think this is the kind of person that I am incredibly proud to reflect on. I made another friend at the gym today, and I talked to a couple new people, and I fell in love with certain songs again to the point where I was singing along on the drive home at the top of my lungs. I caught myself with the drummer mouth while I was trying to pick up the drum line for some of the songs, and then that made me happy because I thought about how the more I imitate, the less I imitate. And today is just one of those days where I don’t need to fight to be grateful and happy for being alive, it just simply is.
There’s a line of this song I recently found, life is not fair – kill yourself or get over it. I had a board game today with friends, and it wasn’t mine! I got invited for it. I was driving over to it, and I was feeling depressed. I knew that I would feel better once I started interacting with people, but it still was rough. After the hangout session, I was still depressed at least a little bit. Well, actually, honestly, not nearly as as much as I was before which is a good sign. During the event, however, I met some new people, and I was making everyone laugh consistently throughout the night. I don’t know why, but while I was leaving, I have a thought about what I could even say if someone asked me for advice about how to be funny or the life of the party, and my immediate thought even before any conscious thoughts was that it’s an incredibly huge task that realistically not everyone is heavily capable of. Essentially, just be funny, brutal. And I don’t like how incredibly egotistical or self-absorbed it sounds, and so I’m promising that this isn’t something that I consciously think or agree with, but just rather the thoughts that popped into my head while driving. But I also thought about how when I went on a cruise and made friends with the other single passengers, one of the guys was telling me how he submits and I win, and I should get all the girls. It was weird and it honestly made me feel kind of uncomfortable because I don’t want him to feel that way, and it feels like I am kind of being made responsible to reassure his insecurity or fix it. But I think he felt that way because he was a little bit awkward and seemed like a nice guy, but that in combination with being a bit overweight just made made him kind of a side character to the other people. I think for better for worse, I make my presence known and am involved in most conversations, or plans, and people tend to gravitate around me. And I’ve thought about it and I think some of the reasons why I am the way I am are the same reasons why that person I think would likely end up in a happy relationship and a happy life sooner and for a much more stable arrangement. I think about how on Instagram I sometimes see people from high school that felt like background characters, socially, that end up getting married and look like they have wonderful lives, and I’m happy for them, but at the same time, it is one of the things where it feels like I am on a different timeline than a lot of other people. I think a lot of the blessings that I have come with their cost, and this is one of those cases.
I finished half of J’s Birthday present. She said that she wanted cute things or something like a candle, and so I have been learning how to sew and got all the materials to create a stuffed animal of her cats. I finished the first one and I’m really proud of myself because it took a long time, but it came out honestly pretty good and I think it’s really cute. I think it also shows a lot of effort and care, and I think those things make a really good gift. I can’t lie, though, I feel already let down for my birthday again this year. In the past, I haven’t really been able to celebrate my birthday and there has even been times where my parents have forgotten about it. I worry that I have set my expectations too high for them now, as I almost always find myself disappointed, or let down. I think just generally, this is how I feel whenever I receive presents for something like birthdays or Christmas when I do. I cherish Presents and I keep them and savor them, and I am very thankful for them, but I feel like more often than Not. It feels like I am not receiving something that has a lot of thought or Care put into it. I feel like whenever I give Presents to people close to me. I put a lot of thought and effort into them, and I feel like I set the bar for myself too high. I don’t think that’s a bar that other people really reach. And I don’t fault people for that and I think I’m saying all of this because I recognize that this is unrealistic to expect and to be upset by. I know the obvious thing here on why I am additionally feeling this way is because of my last relationship. I remember how for Christmas she got me stuff late, and she was worried about giving me presents because I had given her such good ones and I think for my birthday she had not really put a lot of thought into them. To try to make things easier for her, I said that we would both make a list of things in our discord server where we used to keep notes, and I gave her a lot of different ideas and I even bolded a couple things to try to make it even easier, to basically give a slam dunk. When we did our delayed Christmas, she gave me random things that weren’t on the list and she didn’t give me the things that I bolded. When we talked about it later, she said she just didn’t think about it and messed up. I remember she got me a random thing from an Instagram ad, which were scratcher cards for date ideas, but the problem was the dates were nothing like the kind of things that I like doing. And additionally, all of the things were available on their website, and she instead spent $50 which was half of our budget on that. She ended up taking that back and I ordered the thing that I had asked for and she sent me the money for it. I got her a lot of things for her presents, going well over the budget. I understand that this puts even more pressure on her, and I can recognize that. But one of the main things I got her, was one time when we were late on a call she was talking about how as a child in London, she got a jelly cat Collab stuffed animal that she could not find any mention of anymore, and her stuffed animal was really really beaten up. She talked about how she wished she could get it replaced or repaired. I immediately took note of that, and I ended up trying to scour the Internet as much as I could to find it, and I ended up eventually finding someone who is selling it on eBay, and I got it imported. When I finally surprised her with it, I had given her a different stuffed animal that was the same type of animal, and when she wasn’t looking, I swapped it with the real one, and she finally noticed it and broke down crying and gave me such a big hug. And I remember that later, she talked about how shit she felt because of how good of a present and how much effort I had put in compared to her. And I think that was one of the things that ultimately led to the breakup, just along with this general pattern of guilt because she felt like I was too good for her and she kept fucking up. I’m not gonna get into it, but I have a lot of different memories of things like Christmas or birthdays where I would be skipped over or forgotten, or almost purposefully excluded. And so I recognize that I am sensitive to receiving presents for things like this. But part of me is always wishing that someone would really take note and see me and get to know me in such an intimate way that they could give me a present that would hit me to the core. I guess I really want to know that I matter. And it sucks that I kind of see Presents like that.
Just to be incredibly explicit, I am in no way shape or form interested in J as anything past a friend. Because we hang out a lot and we do stupid things together, a lot of people think that we are in a relationship. This isn’t necessarily great for me because both I don’t want her partner to feel worried at all or any kind of fear regarding that, but also because lot of single people might rule me out because it seems I’m in a relationship. But I think it’s honestly a really sweet thing, on how our platonic friendship and love for each other. Is that meaningful. I feel like if strangers don’t think that opposite sex friendships might potentially be relationships, their is work to be done lol. Something about being so comfortable with someone else and not worrying about being perceived in certain ways is a really comforting thought.
Short post today because I need to wake up early tomorrow and I stayed up, but today while driving to the gym, I realized while talking to myself out loud that part of the reason why I liked creating things whether it’s a video or ace song or physical object is because after the day is done, I have something I can show, and that is important because with that days cannot just melt into each other, ultimately to be lost as a large haze. I think routine is very useful and has its benefits, but it comes sometimes at the risk of monotony and falling into the exact same cycle with nothing really tangible to show, and so I think it is important to recognize that and take care to carve out time to create small little things here and there.
I had my deload week Leading into a new block, and immediately on squats, I had knee pain. I think I cannot do wide stance squats, And I’m thinking about finding a powerlifting coach so that I can both find a specific programming and also work on my form. I know it’s only really been a week of throwing in some random rehab exercises here and there, but I was hoping I wouldn’t have this patella pain.
