bin

General woes

2026-06-07T21:23:21Z

There's something I've been thinking about recently, and it's about how due to my social anxiety and general avoidance of social situations, I simply will not have the network that people who are outgoing have.

Starting at a new job where I actually want to talk to people has emphasized this to me. I was getting better about socializing for a little while, but I simply don't have the energy to go out every night with friends, which is the only reason I was getting better at that point.

Having lived the majority of my life online, I prefer written language over verbal. I'm not sure if this is only because of my experience online or if it also has something to do with the fact I'm likely autistic but have never been diagnosed.

Sometimes I run out of words. I look into the box in my head words go in, and poof—there's nothing. Sometimes I can think of a reply, but it won't make it past my lips. Sometimes I'm so stuck in my own head that I don't know what was just said to me.

My friends who can talk to anyone sometimes lament over the fact that they overshare, and I know everyone has troubles on their own even if we can't see them. But, I don't think the tendency to overshare—to a certain point—is a detriment, and I would take that over the lead-tongue I develop whenever I try to have a conversation with a stranger.

Taking chances and talking when unprompted is one of the key parts of making friends and connections elsewhere. It's a sign of charisma; it's a sign of sociability, which is incredibly important when it comes to how we perceive others. (It's almost like we're a social species, or something)

The closest thing I have to networking is the fact that I know a lot of people online, which isn't nothing. I am glad that, at least in most big cities in the US and Canada, I can tell you the username of at least one person in or around it. That's important, and that's something I have over someone who doesn't interact with others online. However, real life connections are where you get genuine opportunities. Yes, there are some exceptions to this, but largely any opportunities with jobs will be coming from a person you know from face-to-face interaction.

I don't know where I'm going with this. In the last few weeks of my new job, filled with people whose company I enjoy and would like to experience more of, I cannot help but feel like an "other." No one has tried to make me feel this way, and so far I've been treated with more respect than previous jobs gave me. I work with more queer people, which makes the job feel even more accepting than my previous one.

My last job, I felt like an "other" as well, but I didn't care. I didn't care about the people there outside of how I could be the best coworker (even when they weren't good coworkers to me) and how to take care of patients. Now that I give a shit, I'm feeling it more, and that means I'm also thinking about everything else being socially anxious and unskilled leads me to forfeit.

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friday updates; god, it's so hot

2026-04-17T19:22:30Z

The American south is a menagerie of climates, with some places (think East Tennessee) being a bit less humid, with a more noticeable four season cycle. The Mississippi Delta is not this way. Our climate is described as "humid subtropical," which I learned just now when I was googling to make sure I was in the Mississippi Delta and hadn't just been told the wrong shit my whole life. But yeah, very little winter (though with climate change, it's been getting more extreme) and our summers are hot and blistering. Technically, I'm slightly north of the proper Delta, but you can still see my city on the map and it's literally the same climate, so I'm counting it.

The goal at some point is to move away from here, away from the heat that is near intolerable and the attitude of the governments in the two states I hop between. That goal will be pushed back for at least 2-3 years, but for a good reason! And I think, ultimately, it will help me.

I get to move from community pharmacy, to specialty pharmacy. I wasn't looking for another job, convinced I was going to go back to school in a year or two and try out nursing, but this kind of just... landed in my lap. Someone I worked with years ago contacted me saying she thought I would be a great addition to this place, and they were hiring full time!

It's a complicated series of emotions I've been feeling. Guilt at leaving the place I'm currently at, but joy as well. I didn't know how much I wanted to leave until I got that text message. I did all of the paperwork to get my license in the state the pharmacy is in quite literally the next day. It's been a work in progress for about a month and a half, and I was finally able to put in my two weeks at my current job last Friday.

Hopeful for the future, with the knowledge that the grass is not always greener on the other side. However, the pay bump as well as the normal schedule will help me out no matter what.

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overstimulation

2026-01-03T19:12:36Z

like a lot of people around me, i am neurodivergent. sometimes my moods shift in such a way that i can't control, and the tendency to be overstimulated has increased as i've gotten older.

yesterday, driving in the rain and entering two establishments with fluorescent lighting did it (does anyone else feel like they can see their sanity bar decreasing when they're in fluorescent lighting? like in a damn video game?). the day before, working until the pharmacy closed and there were still people in line even though we'd had our new year's eve hours up for over a month, and were still open for 9 hours.

it's a switch in my brain that i can wedge my foot under, but that only works for so long. it feels like a wall goes up between me and reason, and the moment the gap closes, any stimulation that makes it through is too much too much.

all this to say i wish it was more acceptable to explain this to people instead of just festering in it and still going to events for worry that you'll never be invited again. there's an event i'm going to tonight (a spam off!) which will require me to cook as well, and the idea of seeing people and cooking in front of them feels like walking through razor blades.

i wish cooking was something i took pleasure in, but it simply isn't. i find no artistic expression in it, and anything that takes longer to cook than it does to eat feels like a waste of time.

anyways, wish me luck on my spam musubi. my oven and stove are also out (and watching black smoke rise from the back of the oven definitely contributed to my stress) so i'll have to do everything at my buddy's house. i've also never eaten or cooked spam. why did i agree to this.

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tentative goals for 2026

2025-12-14T04:27:05Z

in 2026, i want to do more. i find i'm always feeling better when i have something to work on, and while i'm always working on something when it comes to fanfiction, i like having things other than just writing to tackle. i'm very interested in the community aspect of fandom and what comes from that, and how we can all encourage each other to create.

before interacting with the star trek fandom, i'd never really seen what a kinkmeme entailed. i'm running an exchange for the IWTV server right now with my mods, and it's going great! but the idea of a kinkmeme sounds so much less stressful. i will definitely keep doing exchanges (i'm very interested in this one for the server being a yearly one!) but a kinkmeme wouldn't be a bad idea in the future either.

at some point, i would love to mod a bang of some sort, but i think i will have to wait until i'm not as busy and have a lot more mental bandwidth to do things like that. a big bang (or reverse bang) sounds so interesting to mod and i've participated in a few, but i know it takes a lot to do so.

as of right now, what i REALLY want to do in 2026 is:

finish return to me (IWTV longfic)—to do this, i WILL need to edit the outline to a state i'm happy with.
finish and post star trek time loop fic—i will definitely need a beta whenever i get to it.
participate in the k/s spring fever event—i already have so many prompts set to the side so i don't go to put them in and immediately forget every prompt i've ever thought of.
actually keep my writing everyday streak up—i don't think i will 100% write 365 days out of the year, but i'd like it to be close.
set up a kinkmeme for the IWTV server. perhaps a late summer thing? though the new season is coming out around then... hm. maybe one in the autumn.
AND i want to start doing art again. it's been so long since i've drawn regularly, and i have so much in my head that needs to get out in a way that i think can only be done with visual arts.

as for the art goal: i have a lot i will need to do before i can get into a mood to appreciate doing art again, i think. i need a mindset change. i'm always so focused on the end product, am always worried about what my more skilled peers will think, and end up not sharing the few things i do draw.

i was planning on trying to apply for school this next year, and maybe i'll still be able to, but given the money i've had to drop as of late i don't think that is in the cards for a little while. so, a perfect time to fill my year with fannish things and working on writing and art.

(still not entirely sure how tags work on dreamwidth.)

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welcome - introduction post

2025-11-27T04:50:34Z

hey everyone! i'm bin, a queer trans man (he/it) from the southern US, and i'm a writer. hoping to get more into drawing like i used to, but at the moment, i mostly write.

i have strong feelings about fandom and how content made by creators has become seen as a commodity, and less of something made with passion. i'm a big fan of the rule "don't like, don't read" and will assume people who follow me respect that rule!

looking for mutuals! i'm very into: star trek (TOS and AOS), DC comics (batman-centered), IWTV (tv). i'm also part of a DID system, and may post about things like that here.

i'm also the admin of an 18+ ship-friendly interview with the vampire (tv) discord server with the specific goal of encouraging new and seasoned creators (we are very anti-gen AI, and so am i). if i start using dreamwidth a good amount, i may make a page for it; in the meantime, feel free to contact me for an invite.

my ao3

i don't quite know how to use dreamwidth yet, but i'm learning.

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