paceus

Happy 2026

2026-01-01T12:54:24Z

Hi, here's me, updating at the start of the new year.

2025 was mostly good to me, but wow, the end of the year with the tv show Heated Rivalry was so good to so many people! I'm still taken aback by the fact that they made this show and they made it so well.

Having read fanfiction since 1998 and slash since 2003, I was just so happy and touched to see good fic on the screen and it was done well. It was recognisable as slash! There were so many things that happened that I've read a hundred times in fic.

And I'm always interested if a book or a movie is connected to fan fiction in some way -- but this show is so GOOD, it hasn't lost the feel of belonging to fandom, it takes its origins seriously, and at the same time it works on its own. It's such an emotional story with queer themes and believable acting. I've been in tears so many times when I've watched it.

So that has been amazing. But funnily enough, I was already having fannish feelings before Heated Rivalry -- I watched Slow Horses, all five seasons, in the autumn and got really into it, I read some good fic for it and even wrote one. It needs polishing and a beta, but it's mostly done. I haven't written in so long, it felt like such a gift.

I've been reading Heated Rivalry fic as well -- the best I've seen have been there's no pretending by moonsock and rush & roulette by Calico.

there's no pretending (explicit, Ilya pov) is an amnesia fic that is set in the future. It probably spoils the other HR book, but since I haven't read it, I don't know by how much. It's just a really good, heart breaking story and it reminded me of the many fanfic tropes that I love, like amnesia fic.

rush & roulette (explicit, Shane pov) is set during the show, during the montage in episode 4, and it expands the themes already in the show in an absolutely phenomenal way. It's just so well written and vivid.

All in all I'm grateful to have this in my life again -- fic, excited posts by fans, meta, new pictures and videos and gif sets, all the analysis and comparisons and all the love that's being shared. And I still can't believe that the source of all that is an actual tv show that captures the genre so well. I think back to 2004 and 2011 and it's just incredible.

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The Lord of the Rings

2023-05-17T17:22:58Z

The Lord of the Rings movies were shown here in the movie theater as extended editions. I went to see them, of course. I haven't seen the movies in years, especially the last two. It was very nostalgic and fun, and surprisingly I was moved by different things now vs. back then.

First of all -- Frodo suffers so much. He's in constant agony! I didn't remember that. I guess fandom always focused on his good moments, his secret Sam smiles etc., and of course Elijah Wood as a young actor having fun. I wonder if a lot of people were drawn to Frodo (or even the whole fandom) because of his suffering. I think it was a Supernatural fan who pointed out that stories that make men vulnerable can be fannishly very interesting because it opens up possibilities for new masculinities (or something, I don't remember it exactly). And also it's a smorgasbord for hurt/comfort and whump.

The theme of hope surprised me as well. I guess I must have read about it at the time, but this time I felt it. Denethor abandons hope and tries to kill his son and himself; Arwen declines the safe option of leaving Middle Earth; everything the Fellowship does is because they hope to help Frodo, they hope to see their friends again, they hope to make the world a better place and even though they can only do so much, they want to do it.

Aragorn's arc struck me differently. His reluctance to become king resonated with me. I guess as an adult I understand it better how you sometimes hesitate to do something, you want to do it and fear it at the same time. Now I wonder how Arwen felt about his reluctance, though. Did people see Aragorn as a coward or as someone who avoided his duties, and Arwen saw that he had good reasons for his behaviour, saw his internal conflict? I've never thought about it before; I wasn't really interested in them. It's cool how differently I saw them now.

I feel I didn't use to get Frodo's feelings for Gollum, either. Now it seemed so clear that he identified with Gollum somewhat and thought that he could become like Gollum, that it was a possibility, if things had gone differently. And then Sam says awful things about Gollum, not realising Frodo's feelings, his fears, at all.

It was so much fun to see the movies again. Especially The Fellowship of the Ring is full of memorable lines. Figwit! Slashy moments! It was like I was watching them with fans, their icons and commentary running through my head at the same time. (Seriously, so many images where I thought, "Hey I've seen that icon!")

The Return of the King was the most touching movie of them. I cried when Théoden died. "My friends. You bow to no one." Elrond watching his daughter leave him, knowing they'll never see each other again. And just when I thought I was over feeling emotional, Frodo left and looked at the other hobbits one last time and smiled. It's so unfair! I tried to keep my sobbing to a minimum so as not to disturb the people who were sitting close to me.

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Fic as exploration of identity, or as escapist fantasy

2023-01-21T16:00:23Z

I've been reading a really interesting article on online fandom culture and sexual/gender minorities: “It’s Like a Safe Haven Fantasy World”: Online Fandom Communities and the Identity Development Activities of Sexual and Gender Minority Youth by Lauren B. McInroy and Shelley L. Craig, published in Psychology of Popular Media in 2020.

In short: The study asked sexual/gender minority fans aged 14-29 years how fandom has contributed to their identity development process. For fans who were in fandom when they realised they were minority, fandom was a safe place where they felt validated and could explore their identities. Fans who had identified as minorities before entering fandom didn't feel fandom was important to their identity development, but they also saw fandom as valuable for the same reasons.

What shook me when I was reading was this: for many fans, fandom offered a place where to explore their identities and experiment via reading, writing and role-playing. They read or wrote fic with a character whose identity they were exploring, and at the same time, they explored and experimented with their own identity. Same with role-play, naturally. For example, when a fan in the study was planning to come out to the people in their life, they read coming out fic extensively, to see how they might do it, how people might react, and what options they had then.

The reason this was such a big deal for me is: I don't think I've ever done that with fiction. Fiction has always been detached from (my) reality for me. It has nothing to do with my every-day life. For me, fiction is this fantasy realm where fantastical things happen: exaggerated, dramatic, or simply things that happen to someone who's nothing like me.

It was a huge revelation to come face to face with the fact that other people might use their fiction in a wholly different way.

I also recognised the two desires in the fandom history that I've witnessed: the posts (that suddenly came to my attention) that characters should use lube and condoms in fics, that the BDSM scenes should be more realistic, that the scenes in Twilight are really creepy when Edward watches Bella sleeping without her knowing he's there.

The thing is, I'd mostly find fic with realistic BDSM scenes boring. If I want realistic BDSM, I can do it myself; I don't want to read about it. Same with realistic coming out scenes. Falling in love with someone so hard you have to be there at night to watch them sleep is incredibly invasive, creepy, criminal and horrible -- but I understand the love language of doing drastic, crazy things you're just compelled to do. Some of them I'd deeply enjoy reading in fiction. Much better to enjoy them in fiction than doing them in real life!

But some readers, I now realise, want to read about more realistic scenes. And that's great! If I were to write and post exaggerated, larger-than-life fic now, I might add a tag in AO3 to indicate it's not realistic. Not because the readers couldn't tell it themselves, but to save some of them the trouble of starting to read a fic only to find that it's not enjoyable to them because it's not realistic enough.

It also occurred to me that there's an odd juxtaposition in my reading tastes: I love to read about a (male) character who falls in love with another man for the first time and struggles internally with it. I love it when the object of the character's desire is just so beautiful that he's confused; I love it when he's in denial, when he's helpless, when he has a crisis of identity. But in real life, I've never actually had a similar experience. When I was 14, a girl caught my eye at school and I realised right away I was bisexual. My reaction was mostly, "huh"; maybe a little intrigued, a little thrilled.

I've actually felt a bit guilty about this proclivity. I've worried if it's homophobic somehow. And it certainly feels outdated: when I try to find romantic fic, I usually come across fics where the characters have sex right away, or otherwise make it clear that internal struggle over a sexual preference is the last thing on their minds.

Now I feel at peace with it, though. I feel like reading is (or can be) about satisfying a need, and this need is just a different one from reading coming out fics to reflect on how to come out yourself. We all have our histories both as readers and as people, and they affect what kinds of things we want to read.

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Hello

2020-12-18T07:52:02Z

I've been mostly away from fannish circles for years -- I've been on Tumblr so I'm on the fringes, sort of outside and looking in every once in a while. I watched The Witcher, for example, when it came out a year ago and I've tried to read fic for it a few times, but nothing really caught on. I've had flings where I read fic passionately for two days and then it just stops, like with Brooklyn 99.

But now I've actually been fannishly enthusiastic about The Mentalist for several weeks! It's been wonderful. Not only have I watched and enjoyed the show; not only have I read some fic (there's less than I'd like, for some reason the fandom isn't as big as you'd assume); but I've also interacted with other fans. And I've missed it so much! Shared squee!

So, it seemed like a proper thing to do to post here, too. I'm well; how are you? 2020 hasn't been too bad for me, I've been fortunate that way. Although it has been weird and scary, of course.

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Differences between English and Finnish

2013-11-06T20:10:32Z

Differences between English and Finnish, a short article that I thought you might find interesting.

Finnish invariably places primary stress on the first syllable of a word, and the stress does not significantly affect the vowel quality. This is in stark contrast to English, which has fairly unpredictable stress patterns. It is not surprising, therefore, that beginning learners may fail to make themselves understood even if the grammar and vocabulary of their message is correct. Finnish intonation is typically falling. This can make it difficult for them to produce the rising tone of English questions.

tilda has said that I sound like a robot. (Although she also said she likes robots, so it wasn't a problem.)

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Help with memes?

2013-06-22T14:57:32Z

I'm working on another article, this time on gender, and I'd like your help! I was thinking about using memes for pictures in the article. Do you have any funny, possibly gender-related memes in mind? Any memes will do though! If not for anything else, to cheer me up. *g*

Do you have links to thoughtful (possibly fannish) meme-related posts, meme-spams, only-funny-and-possibly-also-intelligent meme archives, or something like that?

I can dig up memes that are useful myself, but I'd love to find a short-cut. And I'd love to hear from you! So please comment. :)

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Quickly translated Nörttitytöt article on slash

2013-05-23T19:52:48Z

I posted my Nörttitytöt article on slash! Here's a shortened version, and undoubtedly badly translated as well. I wrote this quickly and dirtily...

Romantic relationships between men for women: slash

Ten years ago a pen pal told me delightedly about slash and recommended it to me as well. She included a couple of pictures she'd printed and a link. I was baffled but also curious. The pictures were actors from The Lord of the Rings being naked and intimate. The link turned out to be an English story about the Fellowship and how they decided to come closer together by setting up an orgy.

This introduction left me aghast. Not only wasn't I ready for Merry, Pippin and Boromir having sex, but it had never occurred to me to imagine a sexual relationship between two same-sexed characters in any setting, if the source text didn't tell me so. I was also taken aback by the straightforward, pornographic nature of the story, fic.

Still, somehow slash, fan-made romantic or erotic material about relationships between men, did appeal to me and I started to look for fics that would better suit my tastes.

( Different aspects of slash, links, and recs! )

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White Collar fics

2013-03-05T18:52:32Z

I've been reading White Collar fics. Here are some links -- recs and also notes to self.

give us this day by sinead, a lovely established threesome fic about the domestic life with added White Collar complications. It's explicit but has a queerly gen feel to it: the emphasis isn't on the romance.

If You're Gone by sahiya, a teen-rated h/c threesome fic. I mostly read it for the hurt and stopped at the beginning of the comfort part, but oh, I loved what I read! Peter and Elizabeth move away from New York and Neal pines without even realising he's doing it, or why he's doing it.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Con Men by OnYourMark, where Neal breaks the six rules of successful cons for Peter (and El). Lovely and their interaction is so well written. It's funny how it felt like a gift to read about Peter and Neal talking so much after If You're Gone.

The Nine Magic Tricks by OnYourMark -- a nice, sort of quiet fic about figuring out life without conning.

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Yuletide fic recs/list

2012-12-25T22:38:41Z

It's Christmas Day and finally I have some time for myself, to spend however I wish, and I'm going to be online and read some fic, thank you very much.

FIC. Source: Yuletide 2012 Collection

Yuletide! A perfect time to reunite with fandom and fannish lifestyle, if only for a few hours. Yuletide fics are unconventional in that they're not the kind of fics I usually read (funny, hot, romantic first time fics). I enjoy reading in fandoms I'm not familiar with or have read or watched ages ago, I like unusual pairings and settings, and Yuletide is full of smart, thoughtful, literary fics. Just what I'm in the mood for tonight.

( Links and short descriptions. Fandoms A-B. )

More soon, I hope!

Also, let me just say that I love the tags in Archive of Our Own. "Married Couple," "Slice of Life" -- it's so helpful and nice to have indications of what to expect in fics!

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Recs for a novice?

2011-10-08T19:28:17Z

I'm back! And I have a mission.

A friend asked me to rec fic for her. She's read some and she knows what fanfiction is, and she knows it's amazing porn and a cool concept. But she hasn't been sucked in yet. I'd love to help her with that -- but what stories to list? I don't know much about sources she'd be familiar with, except Star Trek, and I don't read that. She's a sci-fi fan, I know that much.

What stories would you rec to a person like that? The fandom I know best right now is Tokio Hotel, but twincest might be too much at first.

Here's what I've got:

Queen of Spades by astolat
"Bond," M said, as he paused in the doorway to hear her out,
"the next time you do something like this will be once too many."
James Bond fic! A familiar source, and M is amazing in this. Het.

West Wing het fic by Speranza
I don't know if she knows West Wing, but then again, I haven't seen much of it and I fell in love with these stories. A relationship between Josh and Donna that I love.

This MCR (bandom) fic where there's role playing (games) by sinsense
Because RPG is her hobby, and I think a bandom AU might be easy to start with; AUs in general, of course.

Scientist, Astronaut, and Nymphomaniac: The nine lives of John Crichton by feldman
A lauded Farscape genderswap fic, het
I didn't find this one that hot but it's been recced all over the place, and Farscape is probably something my friend is familiar with, and a genderswap (a bodyswap, actually) fic would be fun to include, since it's such an interesting fic phenomenon.

Anything else? Maybe more AUs? I'd love to include astolat's Supernatural fic but that's incest, so... maybe I'll still include it because I love it (Under Hill where their memories are wiped and they just remember that they love each other, so they think they're lovers when actually they're brothers). But these should be fics that introduce the characters and the world to the reader, and the more familiar I am with the fandom (like with TH), the less I can tell which fics are like that because everything is so familiar to me.

Rec me anything, I'm curious to know what fics you think are absolutely the best! But I'd love to rec fics to her that are hot, and easy to understand without knowing the canon (or the fanon).

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AFK

2011-10-03T18:13:13Z

I'll be offline for a few days. See you on the flip side!

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Ficlet prompts?

2011-09-18T20:05:31Z

Omg, my life. *hands* All week I've been up and down, like, so happy sometimes, angsty and/or depressed every other day. Well, I guess once I'm done angsting today, it'll be tomorrow and then I can be happy again.

Steinsgrrl posted about this:

So, the people who brought you 30 Days of Creativity are doing something new this year. On September 19th they will be doing the 30 Minutes of Creativity. So I was thinking, we should have a micro-fic challenge on that day. Write something for 30 minutes, then post what you got written! You could even have people give you prompts, and do 2 or 3 sessions of 30 minute fics. Wouldn't that be fun?

So, prompts, anyone? Fandom: Tokio Hotel. I don't promise anything but I'd love to have prompts and give it a try. :)

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Re: AFK

2011-06-30T18:40:58Z

I'm back!

And I want to share with you this Oglaf comic: 2 Arabian nights. Oglaf is a well-drawn, interesting porny comic that updates every week. This strip is about One Thousand and One Nights, and it's a version I really like. (The previous 1001 Nights strip is here. It's not that fun, though.)

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AFK

2011-06-26T14:42:40Z

Starting tomorrow, I'll be offline for a few days. I'll miss you! Don't break the internet while I'm gone!

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I loved Hanna (2011)

2011-06-12T19:43:54Z

I've wanted to see Hanna ever since I heard Cate Blanchett is in it and fyredancer said it's good. Possibly I've also seen a trailer and learned that it's about this teenage girl who's kind of a soldier.

I went to see it today with some (six) friends. Omg, I loved that movie! I sat there and it was bliss. I kept thinking how it was like the movie was made for me.

( It's because Hanna is queer, in a way. Lots of spoilers under the cut! )

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The interactive question meme

2011-06-05T16:44:00Z

On Friday we saw Tokio Hotel AT LONG LAST and it was amazing. They performed and Bill wore leopard-patterned leggins. And he sang to Tom. ♥

Also, a meme! Comment and I'll ask you five questions. You can post them as an LJ entry and offer your flist the same opportunity or answer here. ( The questions fyredancer asked me )

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A ship meme!

2011-03-03T20:02:28Z

Six ships you are into right now:

( This is 90% about Tokio Hotel )

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TH fic "Four Times Tom Ruined Bill's Life" (Tom/Bill, explicit)

2011-02-21T01:17:36Z

Oh, hey, I wrote TH fic! And look, I've got a banner!

Author's notes: Written for fyredancer's idea -- that she also wrote fic for, and you can read her story here: The Possession Principle.

Thanks to anehan for encouragement and advice, to kishmet for the amazing banner, and to steinsgrrl and toastieghostie for being smart and wonderful betas!

( Four Times Tom Ruined Bill's Life )

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Things!

2011-02-17T13:45:42Z

My Tokio Hotel Adoptables have hatched! They're still babies and they're so cute. Especially Bill. I love how happy he looks! If you click them, they'll grow even more. :)

I'm having a day off today and I should do serious adult things. Instead, I've been reading MCR fic all day. Yes, My Chemical Romance. I'm aware it's not the band I usually read fic about. This is for scientific reasons, though, because I heard that there's this thing called not-fic in MCR. If you want to read it, it's This Never Happened by bexless. It's a lovely, hot, NC-17 story about best friends in high school and how one of them has a hot older brother the other one has a crush on. Also, crossdressing. I heartily recommend it.

The thing that makes it "not-fic" is that it's more casual than most stories, maybe more like the author is telling about what happens in the story than actually writing the story. The style is different. Here's how it starts: "Okay, so let’s say Frank’s parents are a) still happily married and b) move around allll the time because of his Dad’s job." It's more like casual author's notes than your usual beginning of a fic. It's not entirely not-fic-like, though, either. I actually stopped paying attention to what was like traditional fic and what wasn't, after a few pages.

Also, a meme!

Leave a ONE WORD comment that you think best describes me. It can only be one word. No more than one word. Then copy & paste this post to your own journal (if you want to!) so I can leave a word about you.

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Love!

2011-02-14T18:39:17Z

This has been a lovely Valentine's day. I've got cards and kind words. Thank you! And I also got these adorable Tokio Hotel adoptables:

They grow when people click them so I wouldn't mind if you did that. *g*

Warm thoughts to all of you, my dear internet friends! ♥

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TH fic "Shimmy Shimmy" (Tom/Bill)

2011-02-13T14:36:50Z

A twincest-y fic written for the toho_kinkmeme prompt "Bill bellydancing for Tom."

Thanks to steinsgrrl for the wonderful beta! ♥

Shimmy Shimmy

( Bill dances. Tom feels uncomfortable. )

If you wouldn't be opposed to seeing Bill bellydancing, here's a picture of him, drawn by the talented toastieghostie!

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Mini-DVD meme

2011-02-11T19:47:49Z

(Really I just want the writers on my flist to post this!)

Pick a paragraph (or any passage between ... let's say 200 and 600 words) from anything I've written, and comment to this post with that selection. I will then give you a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what's going on in the characters' heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic, lots of awful puns, and anything else that you'd expect to find on a DVD commentary track.

My fics as DW entries

My THF account

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Facebook

2011-01-30T15:26:12Z

I've lurked in slash fandom on LJ since 2003. I remember when LJ was down for hours or more and fans were desperate to get in touch with each other. In January 2005 it was down for over 24 hours. After it, people used icons that said "I survived the Great LJ Blackout of 2005" (or something similar) and posted funny lists about what they did during the blackout. (With things like "Refresh. Refresh x 100. Give up and go spend time with your family and friends. After 15 minutes, remember that your family and friends are boring and that's why you have LJ. Refresh.")

It makes me feel weird to see that people on Facebook are doing the same thing now. Being addicted to internet services used to not be mainstream! These are ordinary people!

Other things have changed, too -- I'm no longer as dependent on LJ as I used to be. There's Dreamwidth, now, and fanfiction (in my fandoms) is posted (also) elsewhere, for example the Archive of Our Own. A lot of fans are on Twitter or Tumblr or some other sites.

I guess this is only what I've witnessed (except for the Facebook phenomenon, possibly) -- do you feel the same?

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Junk food II

2011-01-26T16:23:09Z

More of my tasting adventures! The previous post about North American junk food is here.

( Sno Balls, peanut butter and cookies! )

Next: sweets!

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Junk food from another continent! A thrilling tale

2011-01-20T19:39:48Z

A couple of months ago I talked about differences between Finland and the US with thefourthvine, and somehow the conversation ended with TFV sending me a box of common snacks and other kind of junk food from the US. And then she sent me another box full of sweets! She amazing. :) I've never been to the US but I'm familiar with many brand names there, so seeing and tasting the things she sent has been a curious experience of familiar and new.

Here are notes on some of the things she sent. I figured some of you might be interested in reading them, as well, so I'm posting publicly. What follows is my personal journey of confusion, discovery and cultural prejudice, starring Skittles, Twinkies, and Ritz Crackers, among other things!

( Sugar & food additives... *g* )

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