The joy and freedom of harmlessly upsetting social norms
My band was playing a gig in Oslo, Norway, when I struck up a conversation with a woman who was staring at me. Turns out we had read many of the same books, and we were super-attracted to each other. We talked all night, but just as things got physical in my hotel room, house-keeping came knocking on the door saying we needed to check out now. Right now. Damn.
I checked out of my hotel at 10am, but my ferry to Denmark didn’t leave until 4pm. She and I sat in the park, swooning over each other, both wishing out loud that we could have some more physical time together. But then I noticed that this park was surrounded by hotels. So I suggested something that felt kind of naughty. “Why don’t we get a hotel room for a few hours?”
She was pleasantly shocked, and said OK. But Oslo is a small city, and she had just broken up with her ex a week before. She didn’t want people to see us going in or out of a hotel together. So she suggested this plan: I would check in first, then text her the room number once I was inside, and she’d come up afterwards.
I walked into a nice hotel and said I needed a room for the night. The very polite and proper man at the front desk gave me a room, and told me where breakfast would be served. I thanked him and went into my room. She came up a few minutes later.
A few hours later, we left separately. I left first, and went to the same man at the front desk to say I’m checking out early. He asked if something was wrong, but I said, “No no, I’m happy to pay full price. Just a change in plans. I’m catching the 4pm ferry.”
After charging my card, he noticed her walking out of the elevator and out the door. Apparently he had also noticed her walk in a few minutes after me. Suddenly he got really angry, thinking she was a prostitute and I was her client. He yelled at me, scolding me, saying, “I do NOT like this! No! This is a respectable hotel! This is not some kind of pay-by-the-hour place! How dare you?!”
I couldn’t stop smiling. He had already charged my card. I had done nothing wrong. Nobody was hurt. They were paid for their room. I hadn’t broken the law or even the rules. I didn’t need to appease him! I smiled and left.
There was something so emancipating about this! We grow up fearing getting in trouble. First from our parents, then teachers. Authorities. So when you come into a certain age and power yourself, it’s liberating to realize you don’t have to please these people anymore. Especially in business situations, where you’ve done a fair transaction and you’re not breaking any laws.
We’re not actually bound to social norms. We don’t need permission. We don’t need to please everyone.
There are a few people around the world that don’t like me because I’ve done something that goes against their wishes. But if I haven’t harmed anyone, haven’t broken the laws, and haven’t violated my own principles, then I’m totally OK with that.
Even if people say I’m a bad person, it’s not true. They’re just saying I did something they don’t like. It’s OK to let a misunderstanding stay misunderstood, and move on.
So that moment, walking out of a hotel in Oslo Norway, was a major milestone in my life. I had never felt so liberated. And that feeling has stayed with me since.
(See also: “Happiness is letting someone make you the villain”.)
Nice to know that there are some people in the world who don't like you, makes me feel a bit relieved to know you're not perfect!
"It’s OK to let a misunderstanding stay misunderstood, and move on" This, so much this.
I also would love to let go of all these social norms and expectations, learning slowly :-)
Thank you, as always, for your words - inspiring and thought-provoking.
You fell victim to the human trait of ‘judgement’ or prejudice.
Very appropriate timing. Where I am currently staying, there is a lot of this kind of manipulation, a vague crossing of one's own personal boundaries. So, thanks for the reminder: as long as i haven't hurt anyone or broken any laws, and a fair exchange has been transacted, i don't owe anyone anything, and am allowed a right to my free time -- WITH COMPLETE PRIVACY!
Thanks again, Terry
It takes time and self-reflection to get to this point of thinking. The fabric from our childhood is really deep into our personality, and to see through it, like you did in this witty story, is something we should aspire to more often. Thanks for sharing. ;)
My father's saying. People are seeing themselves (a story they created) through you and you also.
I love receiving your emails. Thank you.
Food for thought: "It is illegal for Norwegian nationals / permanent residents to buy sexual services both in Norway and abroad. Buying sexual services is punishable by fines and prison for up to 1 year." So the guy obviously panicked as there could have been implications for his business as he could have been seen as complicit in the eyes of the law. They are pretty strict about this stuff in Scandinavian countires.
It took me quite some time (until I got into my 40s) to realize that actually most of the things in this world do not exist or actually do not matter.
As long as you keep your integrity very few subjects i.e. material things, social norms, even people around you matter. And it is truly liberating, as you have noticed, once you reach this point. You might even get cynical...
Sooooooooooooo love this story Derek. Thank you. My old boss used to say 'my grandfather used to say, 'never apologise, never explain'. Is 'never' ever true? Yet there's some 'truth' in it...
Really appreciate this Derek! So powerful to build awareness of and constantly consider the norms we agree to – often subconsciously or from years or decades past – to help us live freer from external validation : ) (when it doesn't hurt others, break laws)
Two people seeing the same situation thru different lenses? I had a thought that wondered; would his perspective change if you had got his attention, calmed him down and told him exactly what happened?
Thank you for sharing. I do enjoy your takes on life situations and the questions you bring. Thank you
This was nothing for you -- good for you -- but you worried about citizenship and Trolls? Help, DS -- I do not get it. But then, it obviously does not matter that I do not get it. Sorry, got sucked in by the good writing. Travel well. I'll stop.
WOWWW! This is very very powerful.
I really appreciate that you shared the full story without shame.
I know exactly what your old self would feel and I strive to reach that point of liberation too.
One of my favorite posts of yours!
This was a particularly inspiring read for me. I am definitely someone who is very 'nice' and tend to care more about others than myself. We do tend to bring our childhood into our adult life without realizing it until someone such as yourself points it out.
Sorry world, my goal for the second half of my life is to live MY life not yours.
Thank you Derek for your words of wisdom and keep living and sharing your best life!
This is kind if a small thing but I read this post at an appropriate time. Tomorrow I have to go to a car dealership because my lease is up on the car I'm driving. I really like this car, especially the heated seat and steering wheel. I have Raynauds which affects my fingers so they're a godsend in the winter. I can pay cash but I'm anxious about what the salesman will think.
Ha ha, fantastic. And "sivers" the nude triumphantly punching the air after a rollicking 24 hours! 👏
It really all comes down to what makes you happy. Nobody should be able to make you doubt yourself. The only person you need to answer to is yourself.
This has been coming up for me a lot lately, ' disappoint everyone else before disappointing yourself '. Thank you for the fun story to put it into perspective.
Ha! I love that! Never heard that. Thank you. — Derek
This is interesting. You didn't break any rules or laws, but you did lie to the man at the front desk, twice. Once on the way in when you said you needed a room for the night, and once on the way out when you said you had a change in plans. I think there's room for interpretation of what constitutes a fair transaction.
Good point! — Derek
Love your story Derek and thank you for sharing it with us. I have done many naughty things in my past too but never used a Hotel like that. Any time, any place, any where.
As Elbert Hubbard famously wrote..
"If you would escape moral and physical assassination, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing—court obscurity, for only in oblivion does safety lie."
Nice story Derek. It reminds me of something I have been into recently. When I felt bad about I may hurt people somehow, my friends told me to be selfish, by thinking youeself over others. That is really a relief.
The key is that I don't have to please everyone!
This reminded me of a similar incident. I had my whole family, including two young children, in Italy on vacation. I was on a long line buying ferry tickets, and the ferry was just about to leave. I was aggressive with moving the line forward, and when I finally purchased my tickets, the couple behind me started scolding me. I literally just ran away and to my wife and the ferry while the woman was in mid sentence. No regrets.
This right here: "I couldn’t stop smiling. He had already charged my card. I had done nothing wrong. Nobody was hurt. They were paid for their room. I hadn’t broken the law or even the rules. I didn’t need to appease him! I smiled and left."
When you realize you owe no one an explanation as to how to live your life so long as you have not brought any harm to anyone or broken any laws, then you have been liberated.
LOL, this is amazing!!! I am grateful; I have also learned the skill of not giving AF. Except mine came from panic and anxiety disorder, not a front desk clerk.
Nothing else mattered when I was in that moment of pure fear and death. No matter what ridicule I would have received, I didn't care because surviving was the most important.
Now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably the only reason I was able to marry my wife. I had overcome the fear of rejection.
In Italian we have a proverb that says,"Male non fare, paura non avere".
Translated = Evil do not do, fear do not have -- meaning that if you know you haven't hurt anyone, you have nothing to fear.
I enjoyed reading this.
Thanks, Derek!
Thanks a lot for this blog, Derek. I needed this.
Love this. One of the most liberating choices I have made is caring more about how I view myself than how I perceive others to view me. For one, we are stuck with ourselves so it should matter more and secondly, what we perceive about how others view us is almost always a fabricated story.
It's a good story.
But here is an alternative interpretation. The man at the front desk did not confuse the woman you were with with a prostitute. He may have known her. His negative reaction was not because he thought that you paid for sex but because he did not want people to use his hotel just for sex.
If he did in fact know the woman, her life would have become more difficult after this experience.
Victoria
Fun idea! For the record, (because she and I kept in touch afterwards), he didn't know her and there were no negative repercussions. — Derek
Hopefully one day I will be brave and thick skinned enough to not feel guilty for breaking social norms.
Dude, love your approach to these situations... he could've known her ex... and felt they were getting back together. ha. Either way, you did what was best for you and hats off.
What you did and how you describe it sound really juvenile. You’re 53, not 23. We respect social norms because we respect other people, and we all learn this as we grow older.
I was 25. ☺ — Derek
Derek, always nice to read your blogs, comments, wisdom. This morning thought i should drop you a note,…maybe because Jason Isbell played here yesterday outdoors in a little mountain valley 5 min from our home. we are still here in Highlands NC, Alexandra still loving it, the silence, nature, remote, …not Westhaven but close in some respects. haven’t traveled much since landing back here Mar 2020 from NZ, playing lots of guitar, just to play, just what i want to play, just to learn, just to express, just to play a song and share, . my non-compete is over in the world of finance, and is truly liberating, chose projects that are intellectually stimulating, passionate, purposeful alignment and impact, and not worry or need to “build my career “, but help others build theirs, reach new levels, and make a difference. Thinking about time to get back on airplane and make it back to NZ, we keep in touch with folks in Matakana, etc, but sure we will be south island as well. Oslo,, ….our crossing historical paths,…I also enjoyed giging in Oslo and Norway in general. doing a sound check in the afternoon at same club Pat Metheny was playing at that night, and everyone just hanging, or going to some small club north of Oslo and seeing this “new” band play…The Police….thank you for staying in touch and sharing
The world that don’t like me because I’ve done something that goes against their wishes...
I bet that often that something harmless we do others would love (to dare) to do as you did! Thanks for sharing this little story and a great lesson learnt!
I found this really funny to listen on the podcast with Tim. That said what really stuck with me was the aspect of breaking some rules that we have made up that are not laws but considered that way by many.
Take care!!
Hi there Derek,
“It’s OK to let a misunderstanding stay misunderstood, and move on”. I guess I understand what you mean but, it shouldn’t be that way.
Thanks for sharing.
R.R.
I have faced this what feels like always, but it has been really gnawing at me recently. The thing I keep asking is maybe I am being egoistic and prideful. Maybe I really have too high expectations- need to keep remembering others are not you. Don’t feel as you do.
Damn! That's a powerful story and message! Thank you for sharing this!
"It’s OK to let a misunderstanding stay misunderstood, and move on."
— Thank you for sharing your experienced man! I really loved your works. Really need this one also! Have a good one, hoping to see you soon!
Victimless crimes. I love how well you articulated this Derek. At one point, we did grow up and don’t need to apologize/hide for/from anyone just ‘cause.
Thank you