Sunday Asides #88

• It’s the last full week of the month and of the quarter, and I have been busy trying to close things out strong. I had a phone screen for another contract role this week, and I had a job interview for a director-level role. It’s the first bit of activity I’ve had in over a month, so hopefully things are starting to look up in this dismal ass job market.

• I'm so tired of working for companies that want me to pull off million dollar results with little to no resources or budget. At one of my gigs, they actually told me to "use my imagination" after I presented them with the exact solution they needed (except they don’t want to cut the check). Are we in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood? Is this the Land of Make-Believe? How about we use some MONEY to make things happen?

• Speaking of money, Trump's about to have his signature on future U.S. currency, making him the first sitting President to do so. Meanwhile, the U.S. is fiscally insolvent, and 92,000 jobs were lost last month based on the latest government report. Are we great yet?

• As a child of the 80s, I was really into spy stuff. Secret messages, invisible ink, hidden cameras...all of that. I knew Morse code, semaphore, the alphabet in ASL, and used to mess around with all kinds of ciphers and codes. Keep in mind that I grew up in the Deep South before the Internet. All we had were encyclopedias and the outside.

• If you have a decently sized Plex library, I highly recommend downloading the Bunny Ears TV app on Apple TV. I’m a part of the beta test, and it’s been so much fun being able to navigate my media library like old school television with channels and a guide. Oh, and there’s Channel Surfer, a site which turns your YouTube Watch Later queue into a similar experience. And on the music front, I recently downloaded the Pandora Apple TV and Roku apps and rediscovering some of my old stations I hadn’t touched in well over a decade. I’ll put on my D’Nell station, get a little stoned, and have a good ol’ time. Gotta love technology…sometimes.

• How do you know that you like to get fisted? Like...how do you get to that point? Not judging, just immensely curious. I don’t even like a finger going up there, let alone a whole damn hand. I’m intrigued. Don’t try it on me though.

• Quotes for the week:

  • "We can choose to experience the pain of growth or the pain of decay. It is a choice you make daily."
  • "I don't argue with people who aren't qualified enough to be in the conversation."
  • "Having feelings does not make you irrational. Believing that the world must be a certain way because of your feelings does."

Imagination

From today's Pisces horoscope from Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology:

Piscean physicist Albert Einstein said, “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” In the spirit of his genius, I recommend that you abandon logic completely! Never think rationally again! Make all decisions based on fantasy and feelings! APRIL FOOL! Einstein was advocating for the creative power of imagination, not the abandonment of reason. What you truly need is a marriage of visionary thinking and practical logic. Ask your imagination to show you possibilities, then call on lucid logic to help you manifest them.

Sunday Asides #87

• I’m 45 years old now, and I’ve officially crossed over from unc to O.G. status. I haven’t been in a festive or celebratory mood for months now though. I’m just going through the motions, y’all. Keep me lifted.

• I talked earlier about Sinners and their record number of Oscar nominations. They walked away with four wins, including Michael B. Jordan for Best Actor and Ryan Coogler for Best Original Screenplay. Outside of that, I couldn’t tell you what else happened at the Oscars or who won what. I didn’t watch.

• No quotes for the week. Your boy is tired.

45

Today, I had an apartment inspection. As the worker went through my place and asked questions about repairs, he said “you’ve really kept things up around here...you’re a classic.”

“Not a classic,” I said under my breath loud enough so he could hear me.

“Oh no, I wasn’t saying that in a bad way! I just mean you’ve really preserved this old place.”

I couldn’t help but take that a little bit personally.

A good friend of mine knows that I love to make and solve crosswords, so they got me a pack of crossword books from Amazon for my birthday.

It was a nice gesture, but imagine my surprise when I open the box and see a sticker on the front saying “10-Pack Large Print Crossword Puzzles for Seniors Plus 2 Fill-In Puzzle Books and 4 Pens - Big, Bold, Easy-to-Read, Perfect Brain Stimulation Elderly Games for Retirement, Hospital Activities.”

It’s the thought that counts, right?

Today, I did a voiceover audition for the part of MIDDLE-AGED MAN in a commercial.

All day the universe has been dropping hints that I am old now. Or rather, that I’m old starting today. I didn’t wake up feeling any different or any older, but this many coincidences at once has now got my mind spinning a bit.

I saw this comic on Instagram about a month ago that I’ve been ruminating over, especially the below panel.

Lofty questions, right? How do I want to be in the world? How do I want to be old in the world? And who is doing it right? (Hell, what does right even look like?)

Truthfully, I’ve got no fucking clue how to answer any of these questions. When I was out and 15 in rural Alabama, being gay was a death sentence. When I was 25 and friends of mine were dying off, I didn’t even fathom what “being old” looked like, even as I hung around a bunch of older gay men who looked like they had life figured out. At 35, even in very grown-up and adult spaces, I felt like a kid out of my depth.

So what does 45 bring? If anything, I guess it’s the opportunity to just keep going. This past year -- really since 2020 -- has been about survival and persistence in the face of adversity. That sounds dramatic, but I’m definitely proud of myself for keeping my head up and pushing on.

That being said, I’m going to keep these questions in mind, because I do want to flesh these out and really think about the answers. I’m ready to step into this next half of my 40s, put the past behind me, and think more about how I want to be and show up in the world.

One year older. And hopefully getting wiser with it.

P.S.: This bear is totally me these days. I gotta get some more supportive furniture up in here and keep my stretches going.

Receptivity

From today's Pisces horoscope from Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology:

Poet Mark Doty wrote, “The sea doesn’t reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. We should lie as empty, open, and choiceless as a beach -- waiting for gifts from the sea.” This quote captures your Piscean genius when it’s working at its best. Others may exhaust themselves trying to force results, but you know that the best gifts often come to those who are patient, open, and relaxed. This is true right now more than ever before. I hope you will practice intense receptivity. Protect your permeability like the superpower it is. Be as supple and responsive as you dare.