I'm Tired.

## I'm Tired. ![Tired man with hands covering face](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1557148353-009729a39979?q=80&w=1000&h=622&fit=crop)

Photo by [Doğukan Şahin](https://unsplash.com/@dogukan) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/)

> I have a few islands of thought that I can’t elegantly bridge right now, so I am offering them here in their raw form. --- I'm Tired. Tired of caring. I often think about how much easier it would be to be less moral person, that I'd easily be rich. Let's be honest, scam call centers clearly aren't struggling financially. Maybe I'd pump-and-dump a cryptocurrency. Hell, I could go really far off the deep end and do some black-hat hacking. The reason I don't do any of these things is that I find it hard enough to sleep at night as it is. I don't need the added weight of knowing someone trusted me and I abused that trust. People who know me will know that I *feel* a lot. I don't mean that in a bi-polar highs-and-lows sort of way (though that is also true). I mean that in a "I would travel two hours to see you because you messaged me saying you need a hug" kind of way. In a "I will sit on a call with you for hours as you try to fall asleep, because you don't want to do it on your own" kind of way. I would never change that about myself. I give all of myself to everyone in my life, without hesitation, but it can be exhausting. I don't so much wear my heart on my sleeve as I throw it willingly at anyone who asks. --- I'm Tired. Tired of not knowing who I am. It would be so much simpler to just be British, or just be Georgian. Instead it feels like I'm not enough of either of those, and I'm instead stuck in the middle. My previous lives, meeting so many amazing people, making so many incredible friends. It doesn't feel like I've made more friends than most, it feels like I've lost more. I have a long list of people I've slowly lost touch with, the waves of life pushing us apart. It's no one's fault, it's just what happens when you're not forced to see people every day. Like when you leave a job, and everyone tells you "Stay in touch!", knowing full well that you will likely never talk to most of those people ever again. It's a white lie we tell ourselves to mask the painful truth. --- I'm Tired. Tired of watching the world burn. In tv shows and movies being a villain never pays, but it feels like in real life the "winners" (financially, if nothing else) are the ones who are the most evil. Willing to profit off the most in-need by releasing a crypto coin, or claiming climate change isn't real as an excuse to extract every last penny of oil from the Earth. The rich are getting richer, and the poor are getting poorer. A large part of that is the willingness of the rich to [make employees urinate in bottles](https://www.forbes.com/sites/katherinehamilton/2023/05/24/delivery-drivers-sue-amazon-for-being-forced-to-pee-in-bottles/), or to operate with [Child Labour and Human Rights violations](https://www.culawreview.org/journal/child-labor-and-the-human-rights-violations-embedded-in-producing-technology). Companies with monopolistic business practises are given a slap on the wrist for stifiling competition, and "bigger number = better person" is believed not only by mega-corporations, but also many social media influencers. --- I'm Tired. Tired of pretending I'm okay. It's not just that I'm unhappy, it's that I'm not sure if I even have the capacity for genuine long-term happiness. I have happy moments, but the higher the high, the deeper the crash. Do I deserve the friends I have? That's the question I ultimately find myself coming back to. Deep down, known only to themselves, is there a part of them which feels that they'd be even the slightest bit happier without me around? --- I'm Tired. Tired of this fake meritocracy. Most men **HAVE** to believe in the world being a perfect meritocracy, because the alternative is that the system not only *is* biased, but they are the ones that benefitted from it, and therefore they have not earned everything they have. It becomes more pronouced the further up the chain you go, such as with the uber-wealthy. “I succeeded because I worked so much harder than everyone else”, failing to acknowledge the sheer luck of it all. It manifests in so many tiny ways. I've never had to worry about how my clothing would be percieved by others in the office. Or if the reason someone got a promotion over me was because he's "one of the lads". Or if my angry email at someone will mean that I am now labelled "emotional". I get it, it's `#NotAllMen` , but it is a SHOCKINGLY large number of us. It's a deep-rooted fear that by giving rights to others will lead to less rights for themselves. A meritocracy doesn't mean equal outcomes, it means equal opportunities. The reaction of men when the roles are reversed often tells you a lot about their character (think dads who do the school run, and are not part of the "in" crowd of mums). Alternatively, Ghetts, who raps ["It's ironic boys havin' daughters made us real men"](https://song.link/gb/i/1711311769). --- I'm Tired. Tired of being tired. I feel wary calling it a "New Year's Resolution", because I didn't come into 2025 intending on resolving to do anything. It was more that I looked down at a calendar and thought to myself "Fuck, it's 2025, and I still haven't gotten all of my shit together." Most of my bad habits aren't conscious choices. When I bite my nails it's because I've got nothing else to do with my hands. When I overeat it's because I put a full bowl of M&Ms on my desk, and by the time I've consciously clocked that I've had any, it turns out I've eaten them all. Because of that, getting myself together is less about changing who or what I am, and more about being aware of my actions. If I want some chocolate, it's about being conscious of the fact I'm eating it, and enjoying the amount I have. Not having as much as I can before it's either all gone or I feel sick. I mentally call myself out when I notice I'm about to start biting my nails. I've started seeing a therapist to get my mind straight. I generally consider myself a fairly open book, if you ask me a direct question (even if a little awkward) I'll give a direct answer. I don't usually go shouting it all from the rooftops (unless you look at [my lyrics page](https://listening.probably.blog/)), but I'm always willing to talk about it. --- I can't make **THE** world a better place, but I can try to make **MY** world a better place. One step at a time. Always forward.