Prov

So it begins...

I have been pretty much avoiding the “encouragement” of writing for years now. We have finally reached the point of “now and not later.”

Firstly, I would like to pay respects to my late mother. A woman of wisdom, education, love, and family. The world feels emptier some days without you in it physically.

After meditating I realized the purpose of these writings are to share knowledge and motivate in a way that speaks to their spirit and spirituality. To talk about how one can come from the no self love, to loving myself and finally reaching my dreams, only to have those dreams deferred before I could even realize them. It's about being broken and finding my way again but in a deeper spiritual sense It's about learning love, empathy, compassion, and more patience than I could ever conceive. It's about connecting with my ancestors and spiritual guides assigned to me. Mosty importantly, it is about engaging with my purpose so that I may fulfill my mission in this lifetime and finally have peace to move on from it.

May the whoever finds this blog be meant to find it. May you be inspired and spoken to. May it guide you towards you spiritual mission on this planet. Thanks for stopping by.

Prov

Well...I suppose I'll get this first real post out of the way. While my medical situation makes it difficult to type, I am glad we have tools like AI to help us world weary former writing lovers dust off the old pen even if you can't hold it like we used to.

I'll start with one word:

Different

That’s the word I’d use to describe a feeling I’ve carried all my life.

From a young age, I could tell that I saw and felt the world differently than most people. Combine that with the wisdom of an old soul, thanks to parents who were a bit older, and you get a kind of insight that most children don’t develop early on.

On the other side of that coin was intuition, the ability to sense things without words. It wasn’t about hearing or seeing but rather about feeling. That awareness came with a deep desire for connection, the kind that could meet the depth of what I felt inside.

Before I go any further, let me say this clearly: I’m an educated, mentally sound, and grounded man of science. My tools are logic, reason, and skepticism. But I’m also humble enough to admit that not everything can be explained, even when science insists otherwise. Some things simply exist beyond what we can measure.

Now, I’m going to say something that most people wouldn’t dare to say out loud (and yes, I googled it and apparently I’m not alone). My earliest unexplainable experience happened before I was even born.

Yes, I remember being in the womb.

It sounds unbelievable, I know. But I remember the darkness, the feeling of floating, and the rhythm of life around me. I can’t explain it, but that memory has never left me. When I close my eyes I can still hear like I was underwater.

Science would tell me it’s impossible. Still, as someone who believes in past lives, I can’t help but wonder if that awareness connects to something deeper, something beyond this lifetime.

What I do know is this: that moment was the beginning of realizing what it truly means to be different.

Prov

A Detour From the Journey

I need to take a detour, because something heavy is sitting on my heart.

Today is one of those moments when the full reality of my medical condition — and all its frustrations — rises to the surface. And with it comes a single word:

Regret.

Now that I’m here in this wheelchair, I feel the weight of it. My dreams were deferred by gun violence, despite living a life where all I ever tried to do was love. I never got justice. And peace… peace is something I fight for day by day.

I grieve the life that was stolen from me. I went from carrying so much silent pain, to coming so close to ending it all… to hearing God Himself stop me and tell me, “Follow Me, and I will take you where you want to go.” I worked hard. I healed. I grew into someone I genuinely loved — someone content, someone finally at peace.

And yet here I am now… sitting at my window, overlooking a breathtaking view, and feeling nothing. Nothing but the eternal pain in my fingers from typing this out. Pain that i feel every day for simply existing. The pain of having to use tools like AI because it becomes too much to bare when I use to WRITE with passion and fervor.

Losing myself was the greatest wound — one I know I’ll never fully recover from.

But there is an upside. This journey carved a spiritual depth in me that I could never have imagined. I’ve learned so much. I’ve grown so much. But even with all that growth, I still want to walk. I want to run. To live. To love. To simply be. I finally found contentment, and then it was ripped away. Why? Why couldn’t I just have that after all the years it took to find myself? Why was I cut so short? Was I not worthy enough to heal?

Couldn’t I have just made it home safely that night?

I’ll never know the feeling of my woman’s love in the way I always dreamed… or run beside my unborn kids… or finally travel the world after COVID the way I planned. I watch everyone around me move forward, and I feel alone in this journey.

I understand, on some level, that maybe this is the spiritual mission I chose before coming here. But even so… I still hope. I still wish that somehow, the universe might do right by me — that it might give me a chance to start again. A life where everything still happened until that night, but the violence never did. A life where I can keep the wisdom, keep the memories, and yet never be a victim.

Oh, how I would live. So much more… even more than I already was.

Prov

Dreams

I dreamed vivid dreams all my life. Dreams of heaven, dreams of the afterlife. Dreams of past lives and the future. This supported me understanding that I was “different” even more.

Scariest dream:

I believe I may have been seeing myself in a past life or living out someone else's life. But I was a woman. Brunette with short hair. Possibly 5'5 and white. In this dream I was abducted by 2 men in the woods. Just writing I can still; feel the coolness of the night air, the feeling of anxiety and distress, the tan colored car with its high beams on. I was taken out of the trunk in a trash bag tied up with zip ties. I recalled whoever these men were trying bury me. I woke up from this dream in a gasp. To this day I question when and who this was.

Happiest dream:

I went to the afterlife and felt this overwhelming sense of love all around me. All the colors and divinity was just breathtaking. Even today I still feel the warmth of this place and look forward to going back.

Prov

I’ve settled into a truth I think I always knew: there’s a veil beyond this world—something I can feel, even if I can’t see it. And yet, despite that sense of something greater, I spent so much of my life feeling… lonely.

High school was especially hard. We moved away from everything and everyone I knew, straight into the countryside of the South. Everyone there had grown up together, shared roots, shared memories. And me? I was the outsider. Add puberty on top of that and you get a perfect recipe for struggle.

And LORD, it was hard to get a girl to even look my way. I took all of it personally. I internalized every rejection, every awkward moment, until my self-talk turned razor sharp and cruel. At my lowest, I wanted to end my life—until, as I’ve said before, I heard the voice of God redirect me.

I still remember prom. We paid for the limo, the tux, even the girl’s dress… and she didn’t acknowledge me the entire night. I sat in the corner—hurt, embarrassed, and broken. And it’s wild how even now, when I share that story with a friend whose daughter is going through the same thing, I still find a tear to shed. That was the cost of being “different.” Socially awkward, not that handsome in others eyes... charisma questionable but had this depth to my spirit that I couldnt find anyone to relate with. I mean in HS it's hard but when you're 15, you don't see it that way..

But here’s the light in all of this: graduating and going to college changed everything. That’s when “different” stopped feeling like a curse and started turning into something powerful—being unique.

That story… is for next time.

Prov

Unconditional

I think about unconditional love often in the context of what happened to me, because violence is what put me in this wheelchair. That is the simple truth. I remember the dark feelings I went through during my recovery, and I remember how heavy everything felt. Those emotions still rise sometimes. I no longer try to block them. I let myself feel them, and then I choose a different direction for my heart.

Justice still matters. Justice has a purpose. There is nothing wrong with wanting accountability or consequences. I deserved justice, and anyone in my position would feel the same. Even with that truth, I still find moments where I feel compassion for the person who harmed me.

Maybe they never learned any better. Maybe they made a terrible decision because of fear or pressure. Maybe they were trying to impress the wrong people. Maybe they were forced into a life they never wanted. Maybe I was a case of mistaken identity. I cannot know the exact answer.

What I do know is that I feel for them. I feel for the human being behind the violence. I think about what must have been happening inside their mind and their heart that led them to that moment. They shot a person they did not know. They shot someone who had never harmed them. Something very broken had to exist inside of them for that to feel like a possible choice.

I wonder about their life now. I wonder if they sleep at night. I wonder if they feel regret. I wonder if they ever wish they could undo what they did. I will never know their current truth, but I imagine that they carry something heavy.

Even without receiving justice, I still choose love. I choose empathy. I choose compassion. I do not choose these things to excuse what happened. I choose them because I refuse to let hatred define my life. I refuse to let darkness shape the person I become. Unconditional love does not mean forgetting. It does not mean allowing harm. It means recognizing the humanity in someone who failed to recognize mine, and it means choosing to rise above what tried to break me.

Prov

From Different to Unique

I went from feeling different to understanding that I was unique. When I arrived in college, it became one of the best experiences of my life. For the first time, I met people who understood me. These were not just classmates or acquaintances. These became friends I consider brothers and sisters today. I no longer felt like the outlier. The amount of deja vu I experienced in those years and continue to experience now made me feel seen and grounded in a way I never had before.

College helped me realize that nothing was wrong with me. My confidence started to grow, even though I still had a lot of healing to do. I was still dealing with depression from not having many friends in high school. I was still learning how to come into myself. But something important was happening. The seeds of my spiritual journey, the same ones I have spoken about in these blogs, began to evolve during this time. I will always be grateful for that.

I remember being approached by a member of the poetry club on campus. I went to a meeting, and instantly everything connected. We talked openly about the same things I write about now. The spiritual experiences. The intuition. The mysteries of the world. The deeper layer of existence that some people feel and some have glimpsed, but most never slow down enough to see. Everything I carried inside me, everything I thought made me strange or isolated, was normal in that room.

There is something incredibly powerful about finding a circle of people where you do not feel like the odd one out. It is rare. It is sacred. It is a privilege. I could finally speak freely. I could say that when I was a kid, I used to hear whispers in the apartment when I woke up in the morning. I would get up to investigate, and no one would be there. I knew even then that I did not have schizophrenia or any mental health disorder. Something else was happening. Something spiritual. Something subtle but undeniable.

I could tell them about my intuition. I could explain that it allows me to feel deeply for people, to sense things before they happen, to walk into a room and know what someone is going through without a word being spoken. I could talk about moments where emotion and energy moved through me so clearly that I understood what was about to unfold before it did.

For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who did not judge that. They did not look at me like I was strange. They understood it. Many of them had similar experiences. Many of them felt the same veil I always sensed around this world, the thin separation between the physical and the spiritual, the seen and the unseen.

College was not just an education. It was the moment I went from feeling different to embracing that I was unique. It was the moment I learned that my sensitivities, my intuition, my spiritual awareness, and my depth were not flaws. They were gifts. They were part of who I am and who I was always meant to become.

Prov

Flow State and Manifestation

Lately I have found myself in a flow state with the universe. It feels natural and effortless, almost as if everything around me is aligning in ways that are intentional and designed specifically for my growth. Over the last two months, I have allowed myself to let go and trust the direction I feel guided toward. I have been in a kind of spiritual cruise control, focusing my mind only on outcomes that support me. I remind myself daily that things always work in my favor. This mindset has created a noticeable shift. I no longer carry the same level of worry that I used to. I have been practicing an abundance mindset, an overflow mindset, and it has brought me peace.

My needs and wants keep getting taken care of, often through unexpected sources. Strangers, health care companies, insurance providers, and opportunities I could not have predicted have stepped in to support me. I feel surrounded by the same love I have spent my entire life putting into the world. That realization alone has helped me understand why I succeed the way I do. Everything I give comes back to me.

I will be honest and say there was a time when I hoped manifestation alone would heal my body and free me from this wheelchair. I wanted that deeply. But I have learned something important. Manifestation is real. The law of attraction is real. However, there are certain experiences that are part of our path and our purpose. Some things are chosen before we come to this earth. They serve a role in shaping our character, our strength, and our understanding. These experiences cannot be bypassed.

The scientific part of my mind still questions this idea. If manifestation works, then why can certain things not be altered. The spiritual part of me answers that manifestation works within the structure of the life we agreed to live with God and the spiritual team that guides us. Certain lessons are non negotiable. They are not punishments. They are contracts. They are teachings we must walk through to become who we were designed to be.

I think about people who entered a wheelchair around the same time as me. Many of them are walking today. I have never felt jealousy or resentment about that reality. Instead, I reached a point where I understood that their journey is theirs, and mine is mine. My wheelchair is not a failure. It is part of my path. It exists to teach me something unique. Accepting that allowed me to embrace manifestation in a healthier and more truthful way.

When I look back at my life, I can clearly see situations I would have handled differently if I had understood manifestation earlier. My romantic life is one example. I chose partners who were not aligned with me or my future. Some relationships were beautiful. Some were painful. If I had known then what I know now, I would have taken more time to meditate and define the type of woman I wanted. I would have aligned myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually with her. That alignment alone would have changed everything.

Right now, I do not feel called to have a partner. I am focused on living, growing, healing, and building. A serious relationship requires emotional and spiritual resources that I simply do not want to give at the moment. This is my season for myself.

My financial life also reflects this new understanding. If I had adopted an abundance mindset years ago, I would not have been afraid to take certain risks that could have moved my life forward. Bitcoin was presented to me several times, and I dismissed it because I thought it was similar to Forex. I avoided the stock market because my family treated it like something dangerous. Once I looked into it myself, I realized that the fear did not come from truth. It came from misunderstanding. When I studied it on my own, it made sense.

The core of everything I have said is that manifestation does not come from wanting something. Wanting creates distance between you and your desire. Manifestation comes from being. You must become the version of yourself who already has what you want. You must place yourself in the emotional and mental state of the reality you are calling in. This is not delusion. This is alignment. The universe responds to feeling, not wording.

If I say, I want to meet a woman who is into fitness, that is not manifestation. That sentence is built on lack. It expresses that I do not have her. Instead, manifestation sounds like this. It feels amazing to share my fitness goals with my partner. I enjoy our gym days and our dedication to health. I love the marathons we train for. I love the early morning workouts, the competitions we celebrate together, and the conversations where she understands me on every level. I feel supported and aligned with her.

This is the difference. One version speaks from absence. The other speaks from presence. Manifestation responds to presence, gratitude, and embodiment.

There is another part of this journey that matters, and it is important for anyone who is trying to change their behavior or mindset. Anxiety is something I have struggled with. My experiences and trauma shaped how anxiety appeared in my life. A few months ago, I told my therapist that I had made a conscious decision. I decided that I would no longer allow anxiety to run my life.

I want to clarify something for anyone reading. I do not have a clinical diagnosis of anxiety. If someone has clinically diagnosed anxiety and was created with a brain that requires treatment or medication, their situation is different. I am not dismissing anyone’s experience. I am talking about those of us who feel anxiety but do not have a clinical disorder. However, what I am about to explain may still help someone regardless of their diagnosis.

The choice I made was simple. I told myself that worry would no longer lead me. I would not let anxiety determine my reactions or decisions. I chose to live with the confidence that everything in my life has already worked out. I chose to live in the fullness of my life rather than fear what might go wrong. Whenever something happens that tries to pull me into worry, I remind myself that I already decided how this ends. I tell myself that this will work in my favor. Ninety nine percent of the time, that is exactly what happens.

When something triggers my anxiety, I immediately place myself in the emotional state of a person whose situation has already been resolved. That emotional state feels like peace, comfort, and contentment. I focus on that feeling until my body accepts it. I teach my mind that calm is the truth and fear is the illusion. Over time this became a habit. Eventually it became my natural state.

This is the reason manifestation works for me. I do not feed fear. I feed alignment. I feed gratitude. I feed the emotional state of the life I am calling forward. That is what keeps me in the flow state with the universe. That is what keeps everything moving in my favor.

Prov

The High Road

I recall a moment at work when I received an email that contained valid but critical feedback delivered in a tone that could easily be misread over text. I felt my own triggers immediately try to take the front seat.

I know myself well. What I do not care for is being critiqued by people who also make mistakes especially when I have seen that they do. I put real effort into what I do and that matters to me.

Still I chose to take the higher more spiritual road. I paused and asked myself a few questions.

Is this coming from a malicious place Or is it shaped by their own past experiences or internal triggers

Is the feedback itself valid

What good would come from responding by pointing out their mistakes

I decided to take it as an opportunity to practice patience understanding and love. I thanked them for the feedback and moved forward.

I reached the conclusion that their feelings carry no weight when it comes to my true abilities. They were simply expressing a concern from their own perspective. In general they are not a bad person and we have a decent working relationship. Even if there were underlying negative feelings that is ultimately their work to do and likely rooted in challenges they faced long before this moment.

I am intentionally stepping into a space where I stop identifying with and reacting to negativity. Instead I acknowledge it as part of a greater whole accept it and consciously shift the energy into something productive. My goal is to respond to others the way God responds to me with steadiness compassion and grace whether the moment is charged with anger joy or sadness.

Spiritual 2026

I made the conscious decision to completely dive into the spiritual. I aim to make it the epicenter where everything flows from.

There are books I am interested in reading such as Laura Lynn Jacksons “The Light Between Us”, “Signs”, and “Guided.”

I have an interest in Astral Projection. My scientific mind is curious and wants to see for myself what is true and what is now.

I am aiming to connect more with my spiritual guides on the other side. Being intentional and really tackling the lesson I came to learn in this lifetime. As far as manifesting, I am working towards going back to school for my doctorate. Funding and other monies will be required. I will be locking in and aligning with all things to make this process work in my favor.

I've been back in the gym lately and working towards rebuilding my physical strength an health as well as get this body back to something.

I still honor my truth. I simply just want to do my mission and pack it up. I love my family and friends but the wheelchair quadriplegia life is and was ever me. I have been blessed with so many things in this life and I have gratitude. But my life..my real purpose.. was stolen from me. I own those emotions and realities. But that will not stop me from trying to make something out of this.

I will ever get or see justice. That won't stop this show.

Overall, I am just GOING. I don't know where or what. I just am...and that is ok.