killthemapples

I did love, I did love.
you.

Ignorance is always bliss but this is something I can't live to ignore.

After taking a great break from everybody and every single responsibility with a solo trip, I come home and get immersed with incessant problems and worries that might or might not involve myself.

I hear people's problems and I immediately see the way to solve things. That is, if it is as easy as such to solve problems in life we probably wouldn't be feeling so shitty. But as much as I try to give my advice or tell them the way I see things, there's only so much I can do. Change always comes from within. Always. I can't help people if I can't help myself. I can't help people if they don't find the want to help themselves.

Maybe life should be so difficult. Maybe we all have different ways to cope with it, different ways to converse with people and different ways to do things.

I do not have the capability to help everyone, nor do many people wish to have any help that I could give. I am not the solution. I am merely another person. As fragile, as stubborn. Maybe I should let go. We can all find our way out through things in our little ways. Maybe I worry too much, maybe I care too much. Maybe there's nothing I need to worry or care about at all.

I don't know. I just hope that everybody would have better days ahead. Not just believing or wanting to have better days, but knowing you will. Be the change, be the change.

I love you when you're singing that song and
I got a lump in my throat because
You're gonna sing the words wrong

Once again an awesome 8tracks mix came along whilst I was studying in Starbucks. I've been going to starbucks two days straight to try to get my studying done, because one does loathe staying at home all the time, especially on summer vacation. So this song came along, "Riptide" by Vance Joy, and it reminded me of winter flings, or the times where your heart so ever stops because of a sweet message from someone you have taken a small liking to, at which it starts to flutter, flutter with pink feathered wings and your little happiness shows on your big, 0.4mm diameter wider grin. I like that part from the chorus the most because although the guy knows that the girl he likes would fumble on the lyrics on the song, he loves her even more because of that. I really like that.

Sometimes the radio gets stale because all the songs are produced to much perfection, but nothing makes you smile as bright and warm as to hearing the person you are fond of telling you through the phone, "Hey, I would like to sing a song for you," and then picking up his old, slightly out of tuned guitar, hearing him hesitate out of nervousness, but plucking up the courage to sing the song anyway, just for you.

Anywho, no, I haven't found an inkling of a summer romance. However! I was about to talk about my summer vacation. I've been nothing but busy and broke. I haven't actually felt like I have time to relax at all, though I'm not so sure if it might be a bad thing. I do like being busy. I've been stressing out on a lot though. I have a really important exam day on the first day of school which might determine whether I am on a certain standard of japanese to advance class. That is real important shit to me right there, because I got the support and trust from my teacher. She thinks that this is a a really good chance for me to pick up Japanese at a faster pace. I think not wanting to let her down is one of my biggest motivation so far because she is like a mother to me. She's an awesome form teacher and I should not let this chance go to waste. Oh wait am I rambling now?

There are so many things I have wanted to do in Summer previously. Travelling to Okinawa or Taiwan, beach hopping, visiting more cafes and areas I haven't been to, meeting more people, doing more artwork, having more shifts at work, and so forth. I haven't had the chance to do a lot, and my Okinawa / Taiwan plans are cancelled. However, it has been pretty epic otherwise because I went to Fuji Rock Festival for the first time and went to a small Japan town called Yugawara for a week's Homestay. They have been really great memories for me. But chey ah chey, I still have a little more than two weeks left of my summer vacation and I would try to make the best out of it!



—

Lastly, I haven't been doing much artwork. Having been a student for 4 months in a different country, people around you actually forget that you've been working as a designer before for years before you made this decision. Honestly, I did forget a bit too. I have many talented friends here, fashion designers and illustrators who make the best out of their time to make new work and keeping everyone updated. "I know you were a graphic designer, but I haven't seen your work. I'd love to see your work!" And yet, I haven't put up anything new or promoted my portfolio site much anywhere. I should, I should, before I start to forget that my hands exist. Feeling so frustrated the day before, I opened a new sketch book and told myself, "I need to do something." I took out all my colour pencils, crayons and markers and coloured and drew whatever that came to mind. Whatever that was on my mind was on paper. It was colourful, messy and inconsistent. I felt so good after that, and I actually liked the outcome of it though it was haphazard. Do you know how famous artists have their bios and documentaries and when they showed their old work that looks completely different from their famous style and how they talk about it? Well, if I ever get interviewed, I will show this sketch and tell the camera, "Even though it looks messy and inconsistent, it was exactly how I felt at that point of my life in Tokyo. This is one of the most important artworks of my life," and end it with a little tear of pride.

that's all for today. Thank you livejournal for giving me this space to type anything I have in my mind.
I will work hard.

I am wondering if it would hurt more if I were back home than being here.
But basically, I hurt.

Juggling about three blogs right now—this one that I hardly use but still do, a (sort-of) private tumblr one where I decided to reblog more visual things that I liked instead, and my new Tokyo blog which I cannot afford to be too personal in.

And that is why I had to come back here. Livejournal, the start of all my rebellious ways, where people read my happiness and mistakes and unnecessary rants about life. Sometimes, you just feel like writing something. Like a long conversation of thoughts and feelings that a friend cannot possibly afford to pay enough attention to for it sounds like a monologue. And really, we usually care about ourselves the most.

"How are you?"
"Well I'm fine, been busy but good, good. You?"
"I am going to start a new job and I'm going skydiving in the end of the year and I just ate pancakes yesterday did you see my instagram post? Oh it's okay if you didn't see it there it can be found in your newsfeed on facebook and how's your boyfriend, calvin and I are going for dinner at this new joint and then probably catching a movie oh we should really meet with the girlfriends it's been SO long and we've always said we should meet but don't oh bummmer."

Actually! I just wanted someone to read this in their spare time. Just wanted to let you know that—HI!—I am doing fine. I cannot really elaborate so much about how it's been in Tokyo through a short catch up conversation with a friend. But here, I can take all the time and words I want to tell you how it's been.

It's been amazing.
There were many days and weeks where I wake up and ask myself where I was. It took a long time for it to sink in that I am living in Tokyo. Fur-super-reals. School has been great for me. Incredibly pressurizing to do well in a good way. It is always a good way if you think about it azn style. Teachers have been teaching real fast but that is because they want us to learn as much as we can in the short span of 5 hours. And it is because we have to, since we only have a year to get to a certain good level for studies next year in Japanese.

Friends have been awesome. I'm blessed to have met two fun singaporeans and a united class. Friends who care. Everyday seems beautiful. And I still love my days spent alone around secret suburbs, finding out something new in every corner.

I've been learning how to cook. I've never cooked since Home econs class when I was 14. And now I've started all over again by myself. I never thought cooking was important, nor a necessary skill for me. Probably because I was working pretty long hours and that good, delicious food was readily available at a cheap price in the stalls and my kitchen has zero ingredients save for chocolates. But in order to save money and survive in Tokyo, I started to learn. Went to the supermarket to get all my essentials—Oil, Soy Sauce, Pepper, Salt, Olive Oil, Dashi (Japanese stock) and sugar. And then all my food ingredients that I had to learn how to slice, chop, fry and grill. I have learnt to cook my favourite dishes that my mom makes. ABC chicken soup, spinach & mushrooms, and honey grilled chicken wings.Then nasi lemak, green curry, and pasta. And I love cooking breakfast! When I have studied for a long while and want to take a break, cooking is really therapeutic. I now understand why people love cooking. It is faster than baking but you get the same sense of achievement and satisfaction knowing that you made something you can eat. After learning how to cook progressively, I am starting to feel a little bit more useful. If you put it in another way, I am finally "Marriage Material for a good wife". HAHA! Or at least, if I am left outside starving in the cold, I can probably go to someone's garden and whip up a meal somehow at least. Survival skills.

It's a Saturday afternoon and I'm feeling sleepy after typing these few paragraphs. A really lazy afternoon. I'm going to take a nap and go shop searching in Koenji, one of my favourite unpretentious suburbs in Tokyo. I would also like to tell you that at times, it feels nice to be liked. To know you have made someone smile even if they are miles away. To have someone think about you and miss you, even if it is in a light manner. For someone to care about you, telling you to sleep early.

If you've been wondering, Tokyo is amazing. It always is.

I absolutely hate getting into trouble.

I try my way to get around things and not get caught. Like sharing a packet of twisties under my teacher’s nose during maths period, like making out with an ex-boyfriend and not letting anyone know, like catching a few winks in the toilet before heading back to my desk. But when I get caught…

I panic. Butterflies are not only in my stomach, they pound my heart and lungs. My pupils will dilate and I’ll start to stutter. I’m going to shit my pants, I feel like fainting. What would happen next, what is my punishment for this?

I try my best to get out of trouble.

I will try to remember about Karma and how she isn’t a bitch but a fair lady. I listen to my friends and their days and their problems. I make sure that my work that I send out is not mediocre (to me). I stay away from horny eyed stinky boys and too much alcohol. I try to juggle my work and do whatever I can.

But I’ll still get into trouble.

Sometimes. When it is inevitable, I am stuck in a situation that I loathe. Not having been already over piled for the day, I get caught by my boss not finishing an ad. My phone gets lost with uncomfortable information I’d rather not share with the world inside. I am left no cash and stuck in a foreign land, to succumb to lots of credit card bills. Even when I’m high-fiving the world with awesomeness I get into trouble. And I never liked the feeling.

So I put my hands up they’re playing my song
The butterflies fly away
Nodding my head like Yeah
Moving my hips like Yeah
I got my hands up they’re playing my song
I know I’m gonna be okay
Yeah-Eh-Yeah-Eh-Yeah-Eh
It’s a party in the U.S.A


Okay! Time for some damage control.

I'm thoroughly sick of people. I am sick of their inconsistencies and negativity.
I am tired of mixed opinions, so much hate and so little love.
It is tiring to love and believe in something and feel so much prejudice and hate from people because of it.
Also, I am disgusted by how people try to push and egg in their own hateful opinions on me.
It seems like hating things and being negative and judgemental is so cool.
I am exhausted by empty promises, poor meet ups, the need to entertain people when we're out together. I've been told that I am selfish, sometimes it is true. That I am way too idealistic, at least it seems like I am the most positive person out there that truly thinks my life could be good.

The sick thing is it seems that we seem to be happy that we are angry. Do you realise, truly, that no one is listening to you but you? We are looking at you, yes, but we are not hearing anything you say. You are in your own bubble. Not just you, all of you. So angry and sad for many reasons but hardly at anything tangible. Angry and sad for no reason. Angry and sad because you can. Angry and sad because we can all give the same excuse that we are human and that's what humans naturally do. Angry and sad because we can voice out our opinions everywhere in many mediums now online and offline but as i told you, no one cares about your insecurities but you.

Your life is fine. It is not that I don't understand but see, look, feel! Your life is fine only if YOU want to be fine. But nobody can help you. You can only help yourself see that. No one else can.

I learnt this the hard way. I got stranded alone on my second day of snowboarding, facing a steep slope. My friends could not help me because they were easily cruising down the snow. Mind you, we took the wrong route and we were sliding down the black line which was meant for advanced snowboarders. It was at night and it was foggy and it was quiet. Only daredevils and one pussy Singaporean girl (me) were on this quiet, giant mountain. Like I said they really wished they could help but it doesn't work that way in snowboarding because they can't climb out of their boards and come up to reach me. They can't. They couldn't find me. I had to go down myself even if it was the steepest shit I had to go through. I was alone and it was dark. I sat on my board and went down slowly. If I lost it and cried I would not have made it but I said a little prayer and I did come out safe. Now if you could only stop crying and whining about your problems, all of you, and get down the damn slope. You will be safe. If not, paranoia and delusions would come after you in the freezing, dark night and you will linger in the cold. You will stay scared and paralyzed. Stop it.

The world may not seem so dark and cold if you open your eyes and not let shitty things affect you. Everyone that is angry, that has problems, that has something against you, that believes in something you don't believe in that you get all angry about, is going through the same shit as you. The world is not listening to each other. We're all talking to ourselves and we have gone mad. And we don't know why but we do but we choose not to because somehow we feel so familiar to hurt and pain and angst. We feel good to have an opinion in many aspects of life and the like. We feel powerful (hush, but only to ourselves! Nobody knows this!) We feel rebellious! We feel like damaged youth (we mean it in a good way!)

So go fuck yourselves, everyone. Since we talk so much to ourselves, let's do self-masterbatory excercises tonight. Maybe we will loosen up tommorow. If if anyone doesn't, please, do me a favour and not ruin my life by talking too loud.

-

to add on: After safely reaching the ground level of the mountain I realised that the whole situation wasn't that bad. Before I was scared shitless that I would be there the whole night, only to be rescued in the morning. However I found out that the area where I was lost was not very far from the end point. I was this close to finishing it but I took about almost an hour to calm my nerves and to find a way to slide down slowly. So I get it. I know how it feels to be so helpless. Now, move on.