| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2010|04:05 am]
luppie
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i'm feeling stressed. these days i havent been myself, i've been stretched to my limits, reduced to tears, pushed to the extreme ends of my sanity almost off the cliff into the depths of being a lunatic.
there was a period of my life that was stress-free. it was literally The Life: all i did was read a lot, play my instruments, stay at home during my free time and cook whenever. i'd cook up a storm in the kitchen. i spoiled my oven. i learnt that not turning off equipments will overheat the elements. my room was neat and clean and absolutely inviting. i didnt have such a wide social circle compared to recent years, and i never bothered too much about 'meeting up, chilling out, going for a movie, having dinner' with anyone random at all. i had enough money, i spent and saved sufficiently. i had no obligations outside. i was single and happy albeit trying to get out of the mess my ex left me with.
i missed that so much.
now i have school. i've lost all interest in reading. i'm no longer the verbally reserved yet mentally open person i used to be. i'm loud and too open and often come across as coarse. very often i would find myself asking my friends how they think of me, just to keep myself in check. i've lost the yearn to hold my instruments close to my chest, playing my heart and conveying feelings through that melodious weapon in my hands. i stopped liking the whole idea of cooking because i realised the kitchen stress isnt suitable for me. im spending too much and saving too little, leaving my bank account almost stagnant from where i left off well. places where i've used to feel comfortable like i belong are no longer warm and cozy. i drank, i like the effect of the high and it keeps me wanting more. my life taught me to treasure myself, but now i felt like ive betrayed my own teachings. back during The Life i've never gotten exposed in practical terms to addictions like drugs, sex, alcohol, clubbing, and smoking. i havent picked any of these up as an addiction but at points of stress i nearly resorted to a few of them. i felt terrible.
because of the tight schedule in school, my parents fell out with me. i've given up on volunteering at YOG mainly due to this fact. i need to patch things up with my family. im glad i have a group of extremely supportive best friends that dont require me to meet them so often, but these few weeks made me realise that the friends external from the group that kept wanting to go out. i end up rejecting them due to time constraint, worrying about whether i will lose such a friend at all.
isnt there any part of my life where i can start off well not having to make mistakes?
i'm just not strong enough for a person of this size with this mentality.
what's wrong with me |
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