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was this what i envisioned? the life after graduation?

i realise, ive never envisioned anything for myself. all i wanted was to get out of the darn school. i love working though, i love how empowered it makes me feel. in school, i disliked how i had to drudge through school life, how it was reflective of my intelligence, judged by society and discussing issues too heavy and complex. soci thoroughly makes my life a tad harder to live, ive definitely changed. there is beauty in ignorance, it would be nice to be able to accept things as they are and not having to question them too often.

i am getting married in two months. i didnt know this was in my future. i am thankful and i am glad. by Allah I am. and yet i wonder, as i prepare to turn the prayer room into my future room.. as i roam the pages on hdb looking at flats, marveling at prices and comparing apartment sizes.. as i make my 100th trip to ikea.. having many failed conversations with my parents on cultural transgressions of malay weddings.. i begin to accept little by little.. i will eventually forget this past. i will eventually forget the things i used to do, how they will all merge into one event labelled 'Back Then'. all i can think of is the present and death. how im setting up my bridge to my afterlife, how i need to grow up, because when you reach this milestone, there will be a partner next to you everyday reminding you the rest of your life has begun.

i can no longer find it in me to tell my friends to play the game. that was my old response. now, everytime i wish to say it, i get reminded of all the people ive met before Adam and how very very true it is that the game always win. thats how i ended up getting married, every player are carried buoyant by Allah.

recently gave the two rooms a make-over. and now im settled on my laptop, doing what i used to do- putting in pride, thought, energy and time building my online profile. even this blog, it was my online life. i want to be here, i want to be a reflective individual . i want my writings to be appreciated. i want to know what i've felt is felt by others too.. because the things that prompted me to write are the very things that make me feel so very alone. is anybody still reading me?

I dont understand some people, how age and time have not dampen their online fervour. apart from those who have businesses online or are gaming enthusiasts,all other forms of online activity carried out with tenacity baffles me. how do these people find the strength to keep commenting on every single activity that other people do? how do they report their life story over and over daily, with no sense of shame or  wonder if what they are doing is reflective of a person of their age? honestly, ive seen so many pictures of their face, their heart on screen.. good lord may they find their inner peace. keep things private, like on a dead blog.

sometimes i think these people are looking for something. i know how that feels.. the inadequacy of reality. of self.