ADILAH

As I always say, it’s been a long time.

Brace yourself cos it could be a long, rambling about nothing in particular, one.

So almost three years ago I had the mindset that I needed to do something productive with my life. Hence now, I’ve graduated from Temasek Poly, enrolled in a course which I’m not exactly thrilled of at first.

It’s really amazing how time flies, especially during the senior years in TP. Everyone says this but honestly, it really does seem like (almost) yesterday that I stepped into TP for the first time. Yes, I must say that I was quite unhappy being in Temasek Design School for the first few weeks or so and even till the end of year 1, I wasn’t completely settled into the school yet. Sure I had friends that were nice enough but I would still have liked to be in NIE so bad.

Then year 2 came, and I think it’s been a year in which I’ve grown to be closer to EVD  friends and more appreciative about being in TDS. Being in TDS is crazy, because it’s like forever stressful in which you have to meet deadlines, presentation after presentation, working on a 1-metre height model and you’re only given 30 days to complete all that and if you don’t give your best for presentation you will risk feeling very lousy about yourself. But being in TDS is also insanely fun because of the mix of personalities we have in the school, most of whom I can get along with amazingly well.

The great thing about my course EVD is that the people are all very cooperative and united and it’s very gratifying whenever they have to plan class events.

Also, after going through 4 months of hell during my final year project, I have come to realize that I am actually extremely vulnerable. If you know me well enough, you’d know that I don’t usually cry or tear or sob or weep whatever of that sort. I seriously hate crying particularly over a project. Crying is the most retarded thing. It’s more retarded when I tend to look at myself in the mirror while crying and sob even more because I feel sorry for myself. I know. What happened during the 2 weeks before FYP submission was really a huge test for both Hya and me. Like we have discussed months earlier, should we ever die along the way, we’ll die together and not to leave anyone behind. True enough. Yes I am absolutely relieved that we have passed those nights but I will never forget how difficult those nights were. The whole time we couldn’t stop questioning ourselves like, “Oh my god why is this happening to us???”

According to Hya, I may have some anger issues. I personally think that I’ve been repressing my anger at so many things for so long I’m becoming more and more short-tempered as the years wear on. Or it could be other things. I don’t know. Maybe I need therapy; to talk about my feelings and my experiences and how these things have contributed to my short fuse. I know for sure that I’m impatient. I absolutely cannot stand people who minds people’s business and people who gives irrelevant comments.

And oh my gosh I suddenly miss TP a lot maybe it’s because TP’s just different. I miss the people, especially the people who has been putting up with all my nonsense in class, I miss the lecturers, I miss being able to do stupid things with Hya at stupid places and stupid times not having to care too much what would people think of us.

I miss taking the bus from outside TP and not having to cross the overhead bridge. I miss going to bookshop with Hya to buy stupid snacks while waiting damn long for the presentation to end. I miss eating at Itas with Hya, Farid and Rahmat!! After class, before class. I miss the fish and chips stall and the yong tau fu. I miss the experience that TP is giving everyday. Up till today, I think I was still living in the little bubble of surrealness and the fact that I’ve left TP for good didn’t really sink in officially.

For some really weird reason, being in TP during the graduation ceremony, talking to all my friends, laughing, watching people going up to the stage receiving their cert, was really nice. It’s been long since I felt such a sense of belonging to EVD. But then again, going back to collect the cert last week was like this slam back into reality. And whenever I go back into the school, I know there will definitely be this feeling of ‘omg ohhh yeah I did that once.’ COME BACK POLY DAYS!

So it’s been a long 3 years, but at the end of it all I’ve emerged a better person, I hope. Thank you TDS and EVD for a rocking 3 years.

Here’s a few people I owe extra thanks to….

To Sue, Sure-li, Shah, Nadiah Nurfadillah, Rahmat, Dinah, Hajar, Farid and my one & only Hya, I love you all so much. We all may take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, let’s take a little of each other everyhwere.

I can’t explain it any clearer than I know. As sad as this sounds, there is nothing about him, or us that I would miss. The only time I even remotely think about him is when I wish I could still call my best friend up and tell her about this man that I’ve fallen in love with in so many different ways. Tell her about how you make me really happy or that you don’t make me cry (yet), that even though you’ve bailed on me for a thousand times.

It makes me sad that I don’t miss anything about you. Makes me feel like I’ve wasted 2 years of my youth on someone that I have no memory of. Every time I look back, we’re moving in slow motion. Too slow for me to make out what we were. Were we in love? Was I just settling? Was I constantly telling myself that this was the best I could get, which is why even when I’d cry, my best friend had to tell me “it’s just him, Adilah, just deal with it.”…? It’s sad that when I try to recall who you were to me, just to comfort myself into thinking that I didn’t waste 2 years of my heart, but all I remember was wishing you Happy Birthdays and a Happy New Year and not getting a reply.

I had a very eventful day today. Go ahead, keep guessing. Oh, by the way. I take pleasure in keeping everyone guessing.

I can’t say life has been hard. This is just reality, isn’t it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my family recently. More specifically, about my relationship with my parents. Helping my parents out at the shop has by far been the most rewarding, most insanity inducing experience I could have ever hoped for. Since the shop is considered small, work turned out to be pretty manageable at the end of the day. Even though we had to go through so much hurdles here and there. Most of the customers are regulars and they are pretty friendly uncles and aunties. AND! Biggest bonus of the century- Town is just a few stops away from my parent’s shop hehehe.

I question my ability daily.  And with the world pulling in one direction and me pulling in the other, I imagine being in my parent’s shoe is rather difficult. But, we are family. We are there for one another. I am so blessed to be a part of my family. I just want all of us to be happy with whatever we have right now, with how much we have in our pockets, with what we can do with what we have in our pockets. My brother, sister and I are not materialistic children who needs to eat good food, do expensive stuff and go to expensive places. I’m happy to be where I am now with  ayah and mama. That simple.

Why do we keep making life difficult for ourselves? I don’t know.

I know I gave my best, and since it is already the best, there is nothing to lose. There won’t be any regrets for not doing even better. I just said, it is already the best. God is fair, remember?

Happy 20th Birthday to you.

When we first met, I had no idea you would be so important to me.

3 years ago, we would have negative thoughts of each other at one period of time. But after months and years of this truly-wonderful moments together, recalling back the times during Design Orientation Camp up till our very first module Mat & Fin, every negative thoughts end with a huge uproar of laughter from us. Makes me feel that we’re like, two birds of the same feather? You get my drift. I know you do. Well I think that’s awesome. I think we’re awesome, Hajar. Like you always tell me or rather how I always tell you, like sehati sejiwa!

It was during those carefree and hysterical days of me fetching you from your void deck, taking bus 69 together, walking you back to your lift, that we forged a bond of friendship that last us through our poly days, and definitely beyond.

I really like it when you know I’m not in my best mood and you’d try your best to make me laugh. And you know, at times when you do things which would really make me smile and think, “Oh thank God for Hajar!”, you’d made me feel so much better and erase that negative thought off my mind as soon as you say, “Babe, I will help you, Babe you need help, Babe you need help or not, I will help you since I’m also doing on train!” You’ve help me get through practically everything, every single module I would say. You’re always there for me anytime day or night.

Aren’t you glad we ended up in EVD together? And that this girl in highwaisted pants and leopard shoes ended up in the same course as you? And that you defended me so bad when I was blamed to spill the box of pretzal in class and every other thing?

I believe that we will get to 1) Fly a kite 2) Spend a few good hours at my shop 3) Car ride 4) Swimming at Dinah’s 5) My karaoke treat to you real soon. Trust me!

Thank you for 3 years of your time. I’m sure I am going to have sleepless nights for the next few months and maybe years because I know I won’t have you with me for the next 24 hours of my life and hence, I have to learn to work independently. Keep it up Hajar! You’re doing well in my team! Heheeehe. Theres too many things to say and if I were to state everything down here, that wouldn’t be suffice for a post.

I love you till my last breathe Hajar, oh and you know babe, my fringe need trimming already. Haha.

Love,

Adilah

So many things have happened.

They say, that when a door closes, a window will open, but what if the door bangs close, would the window shatter an opening.

Cant wait till this is all over.

It has been a pretty hectic week for me. It has been understood that when I mean hectic, its relative to what I normally do. Right now, what I define as hectic is that I am sleeping less than six hours every single day or night for the past week even now that school is over. I hate this cycle of the same shit over and over again. Bear in mind that I’m hanging out at Allenby Road every single night, so I am rather sick of it. I would wake up at 3 everyday, and sleep at 8 when I get back, regardless of whether I have tuition or not in the afternoon.

Life was purposely made to be difficult I feel. I really hated waking up at 3pm and trying to squeeze in sleep every chance I get. I just really value sleep I guess. And just when I thought I could start saving money on cabs now that school is over, I had to shell out ten bucks on a cab yesterday. Sigh. I had no choice frankly, I ended tuition at about 6 plus and I had to be in school at 7pm. I could have perhaps made my way all the way to school with what I wore to tuition but then it would be inappropriate for my school play. So I really had no choice. But I actually enjoyed travelling from one place to another. And I thank God for giving me this strength to do everything within a day.

Maybe, I really don’t need at least eight hours of sleep a day after all.

I am sighing again. Yes, I am perfectly aware of the fact that it is 8 in the morning. This is depressing me big time. I need to sleep in a minute and wake up at 2, got go get ready for tuition at 4pm later. I must really be sleepy. I think I need to get used to this since I’m going to have plenty this year. Sigh. Alright then, I’ll be off to bed.