君とまた逢える日を

There are just so many things I want to say to a number of precious people.

So many things and words that the time just isn't ripe for.

So many inner-nudgings and heavy-hearted thoughts. So many unwanted feelings. So many helpless resolves.

So many tears. As many prayers.

I have been content with penting everything up in my head but right now I think my iPhone has more (and definitely better) memory than I do. I wish I could just come outright and speak my mind here like I have always before, but goodness knows what will happen if I do.

And, if it comes to that, I don't think I can take it.

Looking back briefly, I think I started unraveling sometime before Christmas and just allowed it to spiral just under the surface of calm and control.

(Perhaps the greatest irony of it all is that my 'calm and control' managed to fool even my father, who thinks on top of not doing enough, I'm not being worried enough.)

Disbelief, discouragement, displacement and despair, where do they leave us? Yes, Love shall overcome everything in the end but I think my heart is failing me.

Logic is failing me.

Perhaps I should just let go, let God and get going, myself. But right now I'm feeling like I've hit a wall - I need to take a few seconds to slide down onto the floor below and congeal.

Yes, congeal. At least then maybe when I feel my insides harden, I can find a bit more solidarity and sense in my many, frayed, tangled, trains of thought.

Maybe then I can find my foundation point. Maybe then I can rally myself.

Maybe then I can find I do have a way to place my humming nerves in the hands of the Highest One after all. Like I should be doing. Like I should have done.

Like I know I should do.

And here, I catch myself.. Forgetting.. that my rally point and my standard is the blood-bought cross upon a hill far away.

Forgetting.. that He who conquered death is the script-writer of my life.

Forgetting.. that Love surrounds me even as I despair. And indeed, Love is gently snoozing behind me right now as I write.

Perhaps I have already congealed and not known it. Perhaps I am already decayed jell-o on the floor. Perhaps a spark of remembrance is all that I needed.

Remembering brings an irreplaceable comfort. I need to improve my memory.

I need to get going and fill my life with the things that matter. With the people who matter.

Fill my mind with the thoughts that matter.

And so this is me, getting up.. and going to bed :)


- 9 January 2009 3:09am -

独りでも平気さ

Incredibly, the old year has gone and a new one is already six days old as I write.

I can't bear to look at my list of things that have yet to be done just in case I start feeling dysfunctional all over again.

I know there are properties to be viewed, job positions to be applied for, photographs to edit, friends to catch up with, a book to write and a house to clean. Nevertheless, I wish all of you (who still bother to take time to read!!) a very blessed 2009. May the Lord bless you and keep you, and look after your family's every need :)

Amen :)


- 6 January 2009 12:54am -