I am awake at ridiculous hours these days. Some mornings I wake up at 2:30am feeling ridiculously empty, tensed and thirsty.
The emptiness ranges between despair and loneliness and a sense of loss.
I am not sure where all this melancholy is coming from. It could be there is not but one source.
After the near-assault, I find that I am not bothered about what people say and nothing really frazzles me except close range contact. I move away from strangers when they close in on me now.
I know some people have been talking behind my back about the incident but I let them too. I am unwilling to really discuss much. I rather forget.
I want back my uninterrupted slumber more than I want the understanding of people who don't really matter.
Thankfully I have gifted superiors whom I trust to resolve the matter in the way they deem best. Leaving me with just one task: to overcome my afflictions.
Despite my incessant waking dreams I find I still love what I do. As I told a dear friend, perhaps it is a kind of litmus test to see if I'd still love my job if the ugly/feral side of it truly reared its head at me.
The apartment transaction is completing at the month's end. And we shall find ourselves indebted for a lifetime, or so 30 years seems to feel like to me.
We have decided on some things but wonder at others. And in between random acquaintances pop up and surprise us with their typical self-centredness as always.
We are not at your disposure, thank you. We have an apartment to plan for and work to keep us busy? I have deliberately not replied to some because I felt pricked by their blindness to our pressing priorities.
The ham brood declines as well. The hamstery owns far more bowls than hammies now. And I think it best to keep it that way until we can sort out the moving and the settling in.
Rz is stretching his organisational muscles in reviewing forums and putting together appointments with contractors. I tasked him to do so because he is free to surf at work whilst I'm stuck all day with clients. So far, he is managing excellently and I am so proud of him. Gone are his days of introversion and gone is the lack of confidence.
The boy I married has grown up and so have I.
- 18 July 2010 5:16pm -
