I don't think I strike anyone as particularly special. And I am saying this from an office context. I am just ordinary, but I do what I can. And in saying I do what I can, I mean I do as much as I can to carry out my job.
Although I have been trying my hardest to keep quiet, it has been on my mind for some months now. I won't be here for ten years, nor will I be happy doing the same thing for ten years. I don't see any great merit in stagnation and I believe that stagnation is a breeding ground for complacency.
But I understand there are others who thrive on stagnation. I understand its easier to slow down to a pace unchanging and slide down the slippery slope of self absorbtion and self admiration for "doing a job well for so long".
Recently my body has been changing, too. Hormones make it really difficult for me to think straight sometimes and they sometimes make me feel really unwell.
I am constantly struggling when I am convinced that I shouldn't be. I need to remind myself about the Calm within, before I really fall ill with stress and fatigue.
It does not help that my new GP creates more issues than he helps solve. I miss my old one and I recently had to find a way to haul myself there despite it being so out of the way for me now.
A shortwhile ago I made the mistake of trying to hold a family conference. That was when my feelings were at an all time low, or so I thought. The conference was a disaster and I nearly came undone emotionally, hitting an even lower low. If not for Rz I think I'd gone into depression.
I now realise that it has been a good half a year since all of this started happening. And whilst I wonder how much more I can shoulder on like this, I came to an agreement with myself, sometime around the beginning of October.
I cannot speak of it openly as yet, but with a hidden resolve, the days are easier to navigate. I am relieved that now I am decided, I can begin to make the necessary preparations for the coming transition.
Before I am accused of being ungrateful, it is not easy undo-ing the strings to one's heart. This is a pain I will have to overcome, and I will, rather than face a regret that could possibly blanket my family, marriage and future.
Since part of the issue is my health, I will be seeing a specialist the coming Friday.
I am not sure what I feel about it. Or about anything in particular for that matter.
It sounds awkward. And it is. In a way, I am still capable of feeling deeply about many things but yet I am now extremely reluctant to commit the strength or mental energy in following up with reflecting on how I really feel about certain things. I know a lot of things I have put down and out of the way. Perhaps I should have done so long ago. But doing so now is surely easier than leaving it for later.
So here I am again, evolving.
- 16 October 2011 9:04pm -
