Marco Polo

Last year I had the amazing opportunity to meet Vlada Bortnik, the founder and inventor of Marco Polo. She has an amazing passion for sharing goodness in the world and keeping people connected. She told me that when she started out, she wanted to create something that could change the world. Here's how she's changed mine.

 
My brother introduced me to the app. I was trying to send him a goofy impression of my mom on snapchat, but it wasn't going through. The short video clips were all in the wrong order and my brilliant comedic routine was ruined. How annoying. So my brother told me to download this new video chatting app he'd been using. Marco Polo.


I'm not great with new technologies, but this app was so intuitive that it took me about 4 seconds to get the hang of. My brother encouraged me to get the rest of our family on the app as well, and shockingly it worked! My siblings aren't great phone communicators. I think it's a brother thing-I'm the only girl. But, this app got my brothers and I talking a lot more regularly. Now we have a big group chat so anytime I want to impersonate my mom I can offer it to a much wider audience! Don't worry, mom approves.

Then I got my friends on it, and it has truly been a lifesaver. Well, really it's a sanity saver, so maybe I should just say that it's a *quality of* life saver. You see, I don't live where I grew up. I was born and raised in Utah, and I have spend basically my entire married life bouncing around the midwest. I have made great friends locally, but it's not like any of them move with me when my family relocates. It can get pretty disheartening have friendships that mean so much to you, and then just slowly fade as life's circumstances shift and rearrange. Being able to reconnnect with distant friends means so much to me. I need my best friends in my life, and I've been lucky enough to make many of them in my lifetime. Who says you can only have one best friend? What a ridiculous notion! Whoever decided that a person can only have one best friend doesn't get to enforce it in my life! I have many best friends! My childhood besties that played dress up with me, my college roommates that introduced me to my husband, my midwest best friends who taught me how to be a mom-and survive it! There are so many incredible people in my life who have made me the person I am today. I love those women dearly. But distance has too often robbed me of continuing to grow those friendships.

I know it seems silly to give so much meaning to a simple app. But, truly, Marco Polo has given me my friends back. Talking with old friends is like rediscovering the dusty old parts of myself that I sometimes worry have disappeared. The daily Polos I share with my girlfriends while folding endless piles of laundry reminds me that I'm not all alone in the challenges of motherhood. Chatting with my brothers and their families has kept me close to them when it feels like we're worlds apart. I get to be with them even though I'm not with them.

Marco Polo gives me the people I love. Even the ones who have moved away from me, or who I have moved away from. I get to keep those people in my life now. How could one blog post ever adequately articulate how much that means? It simply means the world to me.

Positive Parenting

I don't think I've ever met a parent who didn't have a struggle with at least one of their children, or with one area of overall parenting. If you know me, you know that I have one child who simply does not agree with the parenting style I've used for my other children.  It's a frustrating and humbling road to travel when you know that you are not getting through to your child-that they need something from you that you don't know how to give.

I asked parenting advice from everyone. For years. I read books. I took my child to therapy. I tried everyting I knew how. Eventually, I stumbled across an instagram account called @simplyonpurpose. At first I dismissed anything this impossibly perfect woman had to say. Ralphie, the woman who I now realize is a parenting genius, was teaching us all how to be a peaceful parent, something I had completely given up on.

The first time I watched her, she was coaching parents how to get through a three day no-yell challenge. Hard pass for me. No way. No how. Impossible. I swiped past her. Obviously I know I shouldn't yell at my kids, but being a perfect parent isn't an accomplishable goal. I don't need more failure in my life.

But something about the way Ralphie spoke kept playing in the back of my mind. She was so gentle and yet passionate about her message. So I tried again. And then swiped again. And then tried and swiped several more times before I realized that she was right about all of it.

Tentatively I attempted to impliment her techniques. And they worked. And I am forever changed because of her.

She taught me to look for something to praise rather than focusing on correcting bad behavior. She said to ignore any behavior we don't want to reinforce. She said it's important to offer incentives for good behavior. She said that most of the time when we loose our cool as moms, it's due to our own false narratives about unrealistic or incomplete expectations we have for ourselves or our kids. She offered research to support her claims and advice.  She reminded me to be patient with myself as I attempted these new skills, and to focus on staying safe as a parent as often as possible instead of flying off the handle.

She bridged the daily-expanding gap I felt between what my child needed, and what I was capable of delivering. I am so grateful for Ralphie. If there is anyone who can identify with the struggle I was facing, I plead with you to give @simplyonpurpose a chance.  It changed my life. Maybe it will change yours too.

my apologies everyone

I wrote this apology letter to my neighbor who became the latest victim of Ethan and Noah's tornado of chaos.  I thought it would be useful to keep a copy of it for the next time my boys terrorize a stranger. All I will have to do is change a few details here or there as needed.

Dear Neighbor,

  I wanted to apologize and address the rock throwing incident a while back.  I felt that I owed you an apology and an explanation, so here it is:

  On the day of the incident, my boys were never meant to be unattended. I took my 2 boys to the neighbor’s house to play with her 2 boys. Together our 4 boys became bored and asked to play at another neighbor’s house. We consented and they left.  When the other neighbor had gotten dinner ready, she sent them home.  So my boys went to my home with the other 2 boys instead of going back to where all the parents were.  This is how they came to be unattended without my knowledge.  Once we realized that our boys were neither with us, nor at the neighbor’s house, I went home looking for them and found them throwing rocks. I immediately scolded them and took them inside for their consequence.  I was mortified to learn that they had thrown rocks at your house, and I heartily apologize for their behavior.  I have taught/warned/yelled/screamed/threatened them about throwing rocks many times in the past. I have done this more times than I can count. But they are young boys and will need to be taught/warned/yelled/screamed/threatened about their behavior many more times in the future, I’m sure.  After all, they are their father’s sons.  My husband was a terror of a child, and I have his clones to raise.  He has done countless atrocities ranging from picking and smashing his mothers extensive vegetable garden to accidentally setting a neighbor’s fence on fire with a bottle rocket.  My mother in law is as tireless, unwavering, faithful, firm, and strong as any mother I have ever met.  And yet, despite her best efforts, some things were just beyond her control.  Even her very best was not always enough.  So it is with all of us.

  I wish I could assure you that nothing like this will ever happen again.  Unfortunately I know that my boys have shocked and terrified me with their behavior many times, and they will continue to do so.  What I can assure you is that I have been doing, and will continue to do, my very best.  I can also assure you that if/when their horrifyingly creative path of destruction ever affects you or your home again I will pay for whatever damage they may cause. I will issue consequences for their behavior, and I will make them apologize to you.  I hope you can see that I am a reasonable and respectful person, and I welcome any reasonable and respectful conversation you may need to have with me regarding my children’s behavior in the future. Any patience you may offer me and my children would also be greatly appreciated, though, not required.

  Sincerely your new neighbors,

     Jessica and Joseph Whitehead

P.S. Aside from the chaotic versions of my sons that you are acquainted with, they are very kind young boys. After you left my home, they were very sad and concerned about two things. The first was that they had not gotten to apologize, and the second was that you had dropped a few coins from your pockets. They wanted to return them.

 

 

Moving

  When I feel overwhelmed with emotions and longings that I can't figure out how to talk about, I turn to writing. I had, long ago, decided that my blog was no longer useful to me, and I would probably never write in it again. Even when I had Evelyn, I dismissed the obligatory birth story that I had always documented before. But today I need to write, and I need my words to last. My journal is packed in a box somewhere in the storage room, and so I have returned to my blog.
   In exactly one week from today we will move from Saint Joseph, and today was the first time I cried about leaving. It happened as a result of staring out the windows that overlooked the backyard, and the "woods" behind our house. As I stared at the land, I remembered how it had looked through the different seasons. I have always loved how beautiful it looked, so full of life-or rather-so full of our lives. In the cooler months of spring and fall my boys would load up their backpacks with snacks and toys and head into the woods to hunt for wolves. There were never any wolves, of course, unless you asked them, in which case there were traces of wolf packs everywhere. In the summer the yard seemed to always be filled with children running wildly. Sometimes they ran through sprinklers, sometimes up and down the play set, on the trampoline, and almost always barefoot. I remembered the streaks of popsicle stain running along their arms from where it had melted and dripped before they could finish it. In the winter time my children were undeterred by the cold. They built snow forts, and almost completely destroyed the grass at the bottom of the slide that narrowly escaped it's fate as an eternal mud hole. I remembered the trees behind the house being stunningly encased in ice, every branch and twig like a sparkling icicle. I have loved this home, and it has loved me and my family in return. But something about staring out the back window today made me stop and weep. I think it was because of how it looks today. Its a comparatively warm January day. The trees are bare and the grass is yellow. The trampoline is packed away, and my boys are in school. The yard seems desolate. It's not that it seems ugly. I could come back years from now and still see the beauty in a day like today. Its just that the land is empty of us, and any traces of us. I realized how I would love to come back to this spot, and remember our very first home, but it would not remember us. The house, the yard, the trees behind us, would have no hint that it had ever known us, housed us, or loved us. This place that I love so deeply, might just forget me.
   What a harsh thought. But I remember how true it feels after visiting every home I have ever left. The home where I grew up in Kearns, us just a house to me now. It's a home to someone else. I'm happy for whoever that Else may be, but they are strangers. They don't care about how my parents planted the tree in the front yard. When I stole my mother's favorite "sitting rock" from the front yard, I doubt they noticed or cared. When I have visited the apartments Joe and I lived in for the 4 years we were in Iowa, I get the same melancholy feeling. It was my home, but it doesn't belong to me anymore. The most I can do I park in the driveway, but not for too long, because I wouldn't want to concern whomever lives there now. I'm not welcome in those homes. And soon I won't be welcome in this Saint Joseph home. The Whitehead's house will eventually become only 4011 Bennington Drive, not to us, but for us. I won't stop wanting to watch my children play in the driveway from the front porch swing, but we won't be welcome to do so.
   I absolutely cannot have that. I must leave my mark on this home. Somewhere, where I can't be painted over, or remodeled away, I will leave a mark of our family here. I'd like to do it within the home, but then I'll never be able to visit it. I don't have time to put our hands and names in fresh concrete. I could bury some token in the yard, but then what would happen when I tried to dig it up? Any writing on the exterior of the house could potentially be removed or weathered away. So I have decided to carve a "W" into the trunk of the Oak Tree next to the mailbox. Anything longer than a single letter might be too conspicuous and would be crossed out or covered over with other people's names or hearts or initials. Hopefully the annoying homeowners association will not permit anyone to cut down the tree unless it becomes diseased or dies. That tree was planted to last. I hope it will. And I hope that the little "W" will last as well. I cannot leave this house without a trace that we were here. Some new family will move in, and the house will become their home and will belong to them. But this little spot on the Oak Tree in the front yard, will belong to me forever. It will greet me as an old friend when I visit the spot where my home was. It will smile at me silently and remember when I loved it. I will never forget this place, and thanks to my little "W", it won't forget me either.

summertime and the livin' is BUSY!

We've had a busy summer to say the least.  I have been so overwhelmed that I didn't really get my camera out. I'll sum up and do my best using the pictures other people took. We've had (intake of breath) T-ball, play group, 3 trips to the drive in, my mom visits, church history sights in Kansas City, swim lessons, mother's week, visits from Iowa friends, ER visits, dr. appointments, Father's Week, Trip to Iowa, temple in Kansas City, Nashville Trip, 4th of July camping with family friends...(end of single breath)...and now we leave for Utah in 2 days.

The boys having fun on the slip'n'slide that my mom bought for them.

 It looks like Joelle is up to no good, but I'll give you two guesses who got out the peanut butter and spoon.

 

We have about 5 pictures total of when our good friends the Doughertys visited. The men took the boys to our ward Father and Sons campout while Angela and I took the little ones shopping with us. These boys have been best buds since they were 6 months old. We all had a great time.  

 

This is Joelle after she burned her hand. Once she got her hand wrapped up she acted like there was nothing wrong. She didn't really let it slow her down.

 But it really was bad. Second degree burns on all her fingers and her hand.

 Joe took this picture after the dr visit where they pulled off all of her blisters. I couldn't be there to watch it. I couldn't be the one to changer her bandages after that for about 2 days. It makes me physically ill to think of my kids in so much pain.

 Ethan LOVES to be coloring, drawing, writing, and reading. Every day he finds time to get some paper and crayons and create something. Lots of times it's 12 sticky notes with hearts and notes saying "I love Mom" written on them.

 Summer time means a lot of skipped naps. I don't mind:)

NASHVILLE!!!

Joe has a certain number of continuing education course hours he must fill, so we called up our old friends Derek and Rachel Kerr and asked if they'd come with us to a conference in Nashville. 

 During the day the guys would be in class until about 4 so Rachel and I would pack up our (combined) 5 kids and explore. Needless to say the kids were crazy, but we still managed to have a good time.

 Each evening we'd walk from our hotel to the music district for dinner. I got to meet Elvis.

 These few city blocks were jam packed with genuine Nashville energy buzzing all around us. While we never took our kids into the bars to hear the live music, we were still able to enjoy the ambiance from the sidewalk.

 The boys embraced their inner cowboy.

 We got to go inside this candy shop several times. I think Derek had been there one time too many. 

Everywhere we went people thought we had 2 sets of twins with us, because Joelle and Brennan are so close in size and they shared the double stroller.

 We had a great time in Nashville. Thanks so much to Rachel for all the pictures since we forgot our camera!

This is getting to be a long post so I'll do part 2 later. Tune in for our 4th of July fun with the Rasmussen family!!!

 

 

My Old Wives Tale

I've decided that Mother's Day should last longer than one day. It's a spiteful decision, so I guess you could say that I feel that mothers get the short end of the stick sometimes. Lets talk about this for a little bit.  It started when I watched this video about Mitt Romney. You may have seen it on my facebook page. Basically, in the speech he encourages a group of (predominantly Mormon) graduates to make their lives meaningful. He gives a list of ways to do so; marriage, children, service, and hard work were all on this list. He was then criticized quite harshly for being a religious fanatic and all sorts of other things. It got me to thinking about how moms, and particularly stay at home moms, are perceived in the world outside of my little bubble. What would these very harsh critics have to say about me and the choice all SAHMs make?
Here is the list I came up with:
-Moms have the most important job in the world.
-but, mostly, doing your best in the workforce is the most important job in the world.
-SAH moms aren't really contributing.
-women are powerful, strong, and just as smart and deserving as men. Just look at every woman who isn't a SAHM.
-SAH moms are selling themselves short, and aren't achieving their highest potential. This choice diminishes women and is not to be encouraged.

    I realize that if you are reading this, you're probably not thinking any of these things. Who would honestly have this opinion?! No one, right?  But, sometimes I feel like people perceive motherhood the same way they do eating lots of fruits and vegetables without sugar or cheese on them. 
    "Yeah, of course it's really good and makes our bodies more healthy, yadda yadda yadda."
    "Being a mom is so great, blah blah blah."
 Am I the only one who feels like this? It's like people say one thing and feel another.  If people truly thought that a woman actually could achieve her highest potential by being a SAHM, then why is it so absolutely and threateningly discouraged? Why is it completely unacceptable for a public figure to speak to a group of people and talk about how motherhood is a wonderful and important lifestyle choice? Encouraging girls to aspire to being SAHM has become so abhorrent, you'd think someone is trying to stunt the growth of humanity!
     I'm not trying to say, "Hey everybody, what I'm doing is way more important than what you're doing!" What I'm really trying to say is, "Hey, if you truly believe that motherhood is worth celebrating, LETS CELEBRATE IT!" For crying out loud, the heck!
 I don't blame you if you don't get that joke-it's a small shout-out to my mom.
    That's why I've decided that Mother's Day deserves a whole week. It's teacher appreciation week, and do you know why they get a whole week? Because they deserve it! So do mothers; we are, after all, teachers too.


I'd also like to add that, by buoying up moms and especially SAHM, I also recognize that it's not possible or chosen by everyone. I'm not blowing out your candle, so lets just let all our lights shine bright!

Easter

You'll have to forgive me for the blurry pictures. I'm trying my hand at the manual mode on my camera. Not because I'm a talented photographer, but because I'm not, and I don't understand how to fix my camera when it's on the fritz and won't shoot in automatic mode. Anyway, although I really tried to make the kids understand that Easter is about Christ, all they really wanted to do was play and eat candy. I settled for second best, which was a lovely evening filled with love and quality family time. The lighting was beautiful so I did my best to capture it.