Acceptance

The last few months have been a journey. Through a lot of prayer and talking with close friends and family, we've come to the decision to just stop trying for another baby. Things may change a few years down the road, who knows. And we may adopt, and we've considered fostering. But for now, it's just going to be our two boys. David has felt for a while that we were done, but he was afraid of telling me because he didn't want to hurt me. But I think I've slowly been getting there, too, it's just a process that began right after Jacob was born. I was kind of in denial for a while with just how serious the situation was. I could have died. HE could have died. It was scary. But I had just had a baby, so I was on cloud nine and couldn't see what my husband and doctor and family could see. A couple family members have urged me for a while to consider stopping the pregnancy/miscarriage roller coaster, but I resisted. But more recently I've started to realize... I can't really picture another child in our future. Would I love to hold another baby? Absolutely. But 15 years down the road? I see Jeff and Jake. I've mourned the 5 losses we've had through miscarriages, and dealt with that. And I miss being pregnant (sick as I was), and I miss breastfeeding and the baby stages.. SO much. But surprised as I am, I no longer see a large family ahead of us. Perhaps the family God intended for us was not the family I had planned. And I'm starting to think that maybe I just need to mourn the unexpected transition to a new phase of life. Everyone finishes having kids sometime.. And all children grow up. I was going to miss pregnancy and breastfeeding at some point in my life, I just didn't expect it to be now. 

So David and I have gotten here together, but all while being apart. So even though it all feels right, it's been incredibly difficult to accept that I'll never carry another child within my womb. And I wish I had my husband by my side during such a hard time. Over the last couple weeks I've been selling/donating all our baby clothes and gear, and maternity and nursing clothes. It hurts to see it all go, but I feel like I'm taking a step in the right direction. As soon as I can heal from all of this, I can go back to being super mom. We are going to have so many fun family adventures with our two boys. No more babies means more adventures! Camping will be easier/more fun! Hiking and biking and going to the mountains... And we can get dogs to get our fill of cuteness! I can just picture it. All of it. We are going to have a wonderful life. And I can't wait to finally let go of the past and heartache, and finally start living. 

Am I just ridiculous?

Sometimes, I just feel stupid. 

Every week or so, I get really impulsive and think of this great plan to help us grow our family. I get so excited and start researching and talking to family members and planning... And no one takes me seriously. 

First I say I want to try again right away with the daily injections and expensive, painful treatments, and I'm just sure that this next time we'll really get a baby!

Then a week later I get discouraged and think I should just give up. And get a hysterectomy. 

Then I think maybe we should look into foster care. 

Then I research a ton about agency adoption costs. 

Then tonight I started looking into gestational surrogacy costs. And looking into fundraising possibilities. Grants, goFundMe, and even crocheting small items and selling them. 

My feelings change constantly. I'm really impulsive. Really impulsive. And drastic. Heck, I was looking into a hysterectomy and I'm only 25. I just feel like my emotions are bouncing off the walls and I can't trust myself to make sound decisions. And I really hate it. When I get one of these ideas and want to run with it as fast as I can, I wonder if this time it's the real thing, or if it's just another one of my much too hasty plans that will fall by the wayside and mean nothing in a few weeks.

But in the moment, it feels so real. I feel like if only I had the money, I'd get a surrogate tomorrow and be on the way to completing our family. 

I hate this waiting and wondering. And longing and wishing. Sometimes I just cry at night because I want so badly to take action and make something happen, but I feel so helpless. I feel like these little impulses are like my arms reaching out of the water as I'm drowning, desperately trying to get some air. 

I'm thankful I have such a patient husband. He listens to all of these ideas of mine, and tries to support me until my gas runs out and I coast to a stop again. Maybe someday one of these plans will turn into something. 

dealing with the unknown

Today I went to the mall with my sister and my two boys. It was overall fun, but emotionally very difficult. Obviously it was stressful, because what trip to the mall with a 4 and 2 year old wouldn't be? But it was difficult for another reason, too. 

We went to my sister's favorite store, Charming Charlie's. The last time we went there, I was pregnant with what would be my fourth miscarriage. I remember, because the last time we were there I also went across the way to Motherhood Maternity to pick up a cute new maternity outfit. I've still never worn that outfit.

That was a year ago. Here I am now, after that miscarriage and another subsequent miscarriage, making 5 total, and I'm having such a mix of feelings. Some days I feel like I want to be done. Get permanent birth control, and not have to deal with all this grief and heartache anymore.  I hate waiting and wondering when I'm going to get pregnant, I hate the fertility tests and treatments, and more than anything I hate getting a positive test and still feeling a painful weight in my heart, because I know the pregnancy likely won't last. I hate mourning the losses. I don't want to do it anymore. 

I've really warmed up to the idea of adoption. We're almost positive that's what we'll end up doing, one way or another. So then, there's no need to go through all this anymore, right?

But then there are days like today. Where I saw the store where I bought that cute maternity outfit that I still haven't worn. Or days when I see maternity photo shoots and realize I'd like to do that again. Or I see a mother nursing her baby. Or I see a beautiful hospital / birth story/video. Will I ever be able to do that again? Carry my own child? It's really hard dealing with the fact that there's just no way of knowing right now. We could keep trying and keep miscarrying and enduring more losses until MAYBE we end up with another baby, or we could let go of this path and embrace a new one. But both ways seem too difficult to face. 

Thankfully, it's not a decision I have to make right now. I'm just trying to cherish the days I have while my boys are little, and I'm dealing with these little painful reminders of the unknown as best I can. 

Not this time

I was lucky! I got pregnant my first cycle on clomid, which the nurses reminded me I should be grateful for because it's uncommon. Yes, believe me, I was grateful.

We did everything right. I took every medication, took every precaution. But it was not to be. Miscarriage #5 at 6 weeks, ending with a d&c and two blood transfusions.

I'm trying to look at the bright side. I have two beautiful boys. I can still adopt, and am really starting to look into it. But despite the fact that the universe and even some people are trying to convince me to give up, I still have this nagging feeling. There's one more.

After Jacob was born, I had words come into my mind that really surprised me. When thinking about another child, the phrase in my mind was always "the next one", like the next in a line of many kids. But after Jacob, the phrase in my head went, "with the last one, ..." And the first time that happened I couldn't believe it. I stopped and asked, really? I only get one more?

And I've accepted that. One more biological child, anyway. And until my doctor says it's no longer safe, we're going to keep trying to bring that last little angel down to earth with us. I'm not giving up. This loss hurt, as they all do, no matter how far along. But I'm not giving up yet.

I do want to say thank you. Thanks to all the prayers that have been said on our behalf. Thanks for the meals that have been brought, the visits, and even the gifts. I'm grateful to know that so many people love and care for us, and that I have a loving Father in Heaven making sure we're okay.

Total turn of events!

Waiting a whole three weeks to talk to your doctor about tests results is torture. For three whole weeks I had to go off what little the radiologist told me after my HSG, and whatever I could find on the internet. All the radiologist told me was that one fallopian tube never opened and the other only barely opened with a lot of pressure. To me, that meant blocked tubes. And on the internet I found that the only treatment for blocked tubes is surgery or IVF. I spent weeks mourning the fact that I may never get pregnant again. Researching costs of IVF and adoption. So basically, three weeks is way too long to be kept guessing!

I finally talked with my doctor today!

Turns out all that mourning was unnecessary. When the radiologist told me that tube only "barely opened" with a lot of pressure, I assumed it would only EVER open with a lot of pressure. Turns out instead of being like a clogged artery, it's more like a stuffy nose. Once it's cleared, it's clear. And I should be fertile for several months!

My doctor did diagnose me with PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, which causes infertility. But he's putting me on clomid and metformin to aid in ovulation, and we're starting this week! So I have a chance of getting pregnant this month! Oh I'm hoping and praying for it!!

I am so thrilled about this turn of events! I feel silly about the last month of worrying, but what else could I have done? I stink at waiting. So I research. And obviously I'm not always right with what I come up with in my research. But I can tell you, I've never been so happy to be wrong! :)

Baby Hopes

(Wrote this draft last month)
Jan 2015
It's been about a year now that we've been trying to add another little one to our family. In August I miscarried. We're afraid that it might just become more and more difficult to conceive.. My doctor with Jacob mentioned I might have pcos, which would cause infertility. There's also a history of endometriosis in my family, so if I had that, my chances would also go down.

So I thought it might be a good idea to get some help. Because I'm only insured in CA, and we aren't there right now, I went to a less expensive doctor in town to talk about my fertility issues.

This doctor told me that with my history of 4 miscarriages, 2 placental abruptions, 1 case of placenta previa, and 1 premature birth, going on fertility drugs would be irresponsible, because of the chance of multiples. And she basically sent me away to just relax and keep at it on my own.

I was pretty heartbroken, since I really had my heart set on getting pregnant soon. I also know that the likelihood of twins goes up to 1 in 10 when on clomid, and I was really hoping for that, too. (Which was a long shot, I know.)

Well I decided to contact the doctor who treated me with Jeff and Jake (who specializes in high risk pregnancy). I wanted to see him originally, but because of the insurance thing I didn't want to have to pay cash at his more expensive office.

When I finally spoke with him on the phone, he gave me better news! He said that I could go on clomid with close monitoring! Sure the risk is higher for miscarriage and premature birth if I had twins.. But I would have that risk anyway with a single baby, and we've dealt with it all before. I'm excited that my doctor is willing to take on the challenge with me!

(End of drafted post)

Feb 2015
Well, I've begun the tests necessary for getting on the road to fertility treatment. Without insurance it's been pretty pricey. But it was worth it to fork out the money, because today I got some answers. I had an HSG done at the hospital today, and found out that I've had so much trouble getting pregnant because I have blocked fallopian tubes. There are a few things that could be causing this, so there are a few different treatment options, but they all require surgery. Expensive. Also, even in the best case scenario, after correction I'd have a 60% chance of ever getting pregnant. There is also the option of IVF, but again, PRICEY. And then there's always that fun fact about me that I miscarry all the time. It would really suck to go to all the trouble and spend all the money just to miscarry and experience more loss. So I'm basically feeling really defeated right now. And of course, on the way home from the hospital after my conclusive procedure, the song I've always associated with my hopes for a daughter came on the radio. I balled my eyes out the rest of the way home.

I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple weeks to discuss the results of my tests and think up a plan, but for now I think I'm just going to drink a big Dr. Pepper, sink into the couch, and hide from the world for the rest of the day.

Homemaking..

I've come to grips with something today.
I suck at this whole homemaking thing. It's too many jobs rolled into one, and in 5 years I still haven't figured a way to balance it all.
Back before we had kids, I kept a clean apartment! We never had stuff on the floor, and never had dishes in the sink. Now that I'm a mom, there's always stuff on the floor. And the dishes not only fill the sink, but the counters as well.
But whenever I feel determined to fight the mess and get to work, the kids obviously get in the way or make more messes faster than I can clean them. So I get frustrated and end up raising my voice and stinking at the whole mom thing.
I thought after I graduated and was no longer doing the student-mom thing that I'd have it all figured out. I'd have more time to do it all! But of course now I have my crochet business that eats up my time. (And I have a blast with it, but it still doesn't get the dishes done).
And don't even get me started on meals and having dinner ready for the hubs when he comes home. I want to be good at it SOO bad, but I could probably count on my fingers the number of times I've accomplished this since taking on the title of "Mommy".

Now, I've accepted this fact about myself. I'm a good mom most of the time. I play with my kids, I hold them and read to them. I also crochet beautiful things for people. AND, I have a filthy apartment most of the time. I'm content to do my best and always strive for improvement, but I accept myself where I'm at. HOWEVER, any time someone comes over, I'm horribly embarrassed and shameful of my apartment's messiness. I'm convinced no one else has a place this cluttered.

So.. Please tell me I'm not the only one who struggles to find the balance. Please tell me there are more of you creative-type moms out there with messy homes and happy children!