A Dominants Path

So this week has had its ups, and downs, and everywhere in between.  First, I would like to make a clarification regarding my last post, I was saying that we can never see to far down the line, so you have to be prepared to adapt to new situations, that we as a dominant, or a couple can only control the cards in our hand at a current time, we can only react to those.  If you set yourself in a lot of stone, with no wiggle room, bad things tend to happen.  That was the only idea that i was trying to get across.

Second off, those of you that follow banana boat blog you know that this week has not been easy, it has been a cyclic feeling of lost-ness between the both of us.  We are stretched thin and with continual changes we are left trying to adapt to everything, missing each other and our normal closeness.  I feel, and will continue to work towards an end to where we will center ourselves back on each other but, again that is a long road.

Pushing through these times, no matter how hard they get, is something that tells me that she will be my wife, that I will not give up on her and she will be the mother of my children, and that is something that I look forward to.

So please keep us in your prayers, while we play the hand that we are dealt and will continue to do so as long as we are alive.

So once again, I am here trying to figure out the next section of my life, trying to make everything work, maliciously plan out and weigh options, and what happens, something new to change it all.  This time it is not a major set back, in fact I think that it is something that long-term can not only further myself, but banana boat and our relationship.  Long story short, I got a job offer that will further me in my career, it would set me back in my graduation date a bit, but it would still apply to things, it is in my field, and is something that can just put me one step closer.   Regardless of what it is, or how things change, good or bad, there has been a lesson that has been beat into my head over and over.. the cards will change.

Regardless of how much I plan, weigh options, try to lay out a course, there is always some iceberg, ocean current, or other force that I can not see that will change things.  Some times I feel like I am playing poker.  I would venture to bet (forgive the pun) that in actuality that is what a lot of this is.  We have our hands, we as Doms, try to control what cards we have, what we predict the others have, look at everything on the board, and make our bets accordingly, for ourself and our partners.  We make our decisions based on the course that we can see, then we take the step forward, and we see if it was the right decision or not, we gain or lose accordingly.  We then are dealt new cards, after we throw a few away and start all over again.  Sometimes, I myself, and I am sure there are others try to play to many hands down the road, counting chips before we have gained or lost any, which is a bad habit but one that happens none the less.

When it really bites, is when you get that crap hand, that you didn’t see coming, that is when you feel the pinch the most, trying to make something work with the horrible hand, hoping that you can make it through this one, hoping for an other that is just a bit better.  While this is something that I know I have to work on, I would say that we all need to play the hand that we are dealt, sure we can plan, sure we can hope, and have dreams and goals.  Without plans, dreams and goals, you will never try to strive for something more.  Even in poker you try to have the largest (all of) the chips at the end of the day,  but you still have to play the hand that you are given.

Knowing the boundaries of where they are and what is possible, is an important distinction, something that in this life we have to keep in constant mind.  guiding (or trusting our partner) the way that we feel that will push us towards our overall goals, playing the hands properly, until we have the right cards and we go all in.  This is something that I am still working on, as I think that we all are, and we will win some and lose some, but what is life without it.  So my cards are looking promising, though that might change in minutes, weeks, years, only time will tell, but for now, I will continue to play my hands, deal with the change of cards, and move us in a direction that I feel is right for the both of us.

I am not sure how long this is going to be but it is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I have had some time trying to process, and maybe the problem lies in the fact that I don’t think like the people I am going to discuss.  Sometimes its a misconception, sometimes its a greedy basic person, sometimes its naivety, who knows really, but the infliction of pain does not mean you get control.

Anyone can beat a woman, or any other person for that matter, what bothers me is that people think that the way to get somewhere in TTWD is to be overly violent, to use the pain to assert yourself over an individual, to be in charge.  I am not the first to say this and I wont be the last but this is not farther from the truth.  We don’t use pain as a way to place ourself on the top, that is nothing more than a dictator, someone who uses negativity to gain control of a population.  I propose that the proper way to do this is through a soft, gentle, yet firm hand.  A guidance and attitude, in where you take the first step, steering the way that things go.

We as a community of people have a negative light cast on us, because we are seen as abusers and brainwashers, which actually is pretty far from the truth.  We use pain to maximize pleasure, as a tool to remind our submissive (through agreed upon methods) of the control that she has given.  I am here to say that its our personality that not only desires control but allows us to attain it.  That dominance is not something that you can learn, and to be truly happy in this life it is something that has to be part of you.  That if we took pain out of the equation, that I would still be able to hold who I am, my relationship together, that my control would stay intact, that my relationship would not suffer.

The ability to lead, has nothing to do with pain, but more with a mindset. Just as the ability to follow or give up the control.  If you can’t achieve control without the violence, or the pain, then perhaps you are in the wrong lifestyle choice.  That much like the rest of everything in here is my opinion alone.

Okay we have one thing figured out and it has led to a bit more of a relaxed boat… but that is just the first step, we can not let our guard down, and we have to move forward. At least now we know one of the beasts that we are facing.. Banana Boat has to do some work, and there is going to be money that is going to need spent which neither of us have thought about, but at least now we know what we are dealing with.. so whats the next step, siege the opposition out of their position… you cut off all their ammunition and they have nothing to fight with.. we will see how well that works..

So today I went back to Jacksonville, the semester in school had finished and well I had no where to stay. There was talk for a short time about me going to New Orleans to be with banana boat, for the entire summer, but that fell through to one of the many… unappreciated issues that has plagued us for this past month.

Being in Jax means that I have a whole different set of day to day activities, priorities, etc. Despite that, one thing is always constant, I am not with her. Regardless of what we decide to do or regardless of where we go, or what we do.. I am still without her, key the title, Different setting, new issues, same problem. There is no short term solution to this, it is something that is just going to have to happen with time, unless i can make it happen sooner (just kidding… kind of). So no matter what new thing we face, or handle, she will always be forefront, and really everything else pales in comparison, just another hurdle, obstical, fucking retarded thing to get in the way… where the hell is my bulldozer.

I can never get things to happen when I want them to, that is just fact by now, banana boat and I have trouble with this, but I have learned that it is just me.  I can’t even get the dishwasher to work on my schedule… now how messed is that? Solution, like Eric Cartman, “whatever whatever I do what I want”

Sometimes life just throws the same things at you over and over again, just in a slightly different form, I think just to well have some sick twisted pleasure about it all. But of course I am the same way so, what can I say about that.  Banana boat and I are coming up on a year, here soon, a year since what started as a experiment, a learning tool has turned into something that neither of us saw, or know that we wanted.

We have had our share of issues, and there are always going to be those, but once again we find ourselves in a situation where what we do is not in our hands.  My biggest fear about the whole thing is that there is a decision that will have to be made, that if we move forward, it will cause a very nasty fight, not between me and her, but someone else.  While I hope that doesn’t happen I can see where a jealous spiteful individual would do such a thing, without regard to anyone else (not her or myself).  I am concerned that we will once again have to put our plans on hold to deal with a situation that well has to be dealt with.

What bothers me more, is if it does shape out like that, what will happen to an innocent little girl, who will suddenly be thrust into the middle of a power struggle, often used as a pawn or a maneuvering tactic, not because its whats best for her, but out of sheer spite.  It was something that was done to me as a child and it breaks my heart to think that it might happen to this one as well.  I guess as human beings we all have selfish wants, and its putting those aside sometimes for the best of things, to see someone else truly happy that is what is really important.  Don’t get me wrong, this is not something that I am going to yield on, and I will find a way to do it, I don’t care if I have to live in a cardboard box down the street, or a hotel, or some other place to lay my head.

I refuse to yield, because I have yet to have my chance, I have yet to give it all… what is he is doing is nothing more that positioning himself to prevent me from having what it is that I so desperately want, that he already fucked up long ago.  I am sorry that you are hurt and that you can’t have it.. but I am not sorry that she loves me, and we have what we have.  Just another thing that we have to deal with.. and we will in the end, it just sucks

So I am still around, and I have been busy but there is no excuse. I have tried hard to keep up with everything but seemingly have failed at that. I have tried to be there, and be the rock, through the banana boat’s (j) hard time and I have tried not to be distant to her, and be there for her through it all, but somewhere I have failed just a bit. It only means that I have to try harder to make it show, to make her not only see it but to feel it, to not only know it, but to believe it with all that she is without doubt.

She has been on me to write, and I should have done it sooner, she was scared that I was slipping back to that place that neither of us can survive anymore, and I refuse to let myself get there. As she says she broke the button, and for that I am so very happy.

So I am back, and I will try to keep this up to date, as much as possible, maybe not long, maybe not short, hell maybe not even on topic.. but I am indeed around

Maybe you guys can help me out here, I mean this is an honest to go question, well not really question but more of an observation and musing that is again coming forth out of casual conversation.

I was having a talking with my slutty cunt, about how our relationship is founded on the need for pain, but in the same time we also make love, in our vanilla fashion. Then I proceeded to ask, what is vanilla sex.

Mind you I have not been in the lifestyle all that long, but well, we were sitting and talking and trying to come up with a definition, on what vanilla sex was. I mean, the closest thing that I can come up with, is her on top, under covers (god it’s so fucking hot I don’t know how anyone could stand that), a nice slow pace, lights off, silence, him hitting his peak early, and then rolling over and maybe a little bit of cuddling, kissing, maybe some tender names here and there… but really, lacking any type of spice or anything.

I know that most of you that follow this, well you have my opinion, where the hell is the fun in that. To me that sounds more like a bad horrible and useless way to spend time. You know, and this could be in fact why there are so many, that just stop having sex all together, and revert to masturbation. You know what I say.. I say bend over, let me beat, pull, prod pinch, invade, use, draw tears, and then enjoy bliss… fuck all that other “normal” crap… your thoughts?

Well that depends on your position of the matter or how you see what I am about to say.  This post is not meant to be long in fact it’s just a short musing that came across my head.  A local college discussion that comes out of no where, made me chuckle.  I do think a woman should have the right to choose everything that I have the right to choose about.  I think that she should have equal pay and all that jazz, but let’s be honest.  I want woman to choose to make me a sandwich, choose to get spanked, choose to be called a dirty whore when the mood is right… and in such.. I am a feminist, I just have an opinion on what they should indeed choose.