Fan Cast for Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight Archive Series

After a long hiatus from blogging, I wanted to pick up again with a book recommendation. I just finished Oathbringer, the third book in Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight Archive series. These books are hefty but don't be intimidated, they tell an engaging story, interweaving the lives of characters brought together by ancient powers that are manifesting once more. They're simply incredible. If you haven't picked it up yet, I highly recommend it. I also heard these books might be made into a movie someday, so here is my fan cast for the main characters:

Kaladin Stormblessed

Jason Momoa

Dalinar Kholin

Viggo Mortensen

Adolin Kholin

Sam Claflin

Renarin Kholin

Asa Butterfield

Jasnah Kholin

Michelle Dockery

Navani Kholin

Famke Janssen

Wit (Hoid)

Tom Hiddleston

Shallan Davar

Rose Leslie

Torol Sadeas

Christoph Waltz

Meridas Amaram

James Franco

Szeth-Son-Son-Vallano

 

Cillian Murphy

Taravangian

Ben Kingsley

Rock

Jorge Garcia

Lopen

Michael Pena

Eshonai

Zoe Saldana

Lift

Isabela Moner

Odium

Benedict Cumberbatch

What do you think? Agree? Disagree?

A New Story

I've taken a long break from this blog and it feels like it's time to come back. It's been five years since I published anything and I'd like to get back into writing for myself. This story was published serially in Missouri Star Quilt Company's BLOCK Magazine, so I thought I would start things off by sharing chapter 1 with you. Just a warning, because it's a quilting magazine, expect a fair amount of sewing references. Enjoy.

The Forest Bride

Part 1: The Feast of Valborg

Ingrid knelt on the floor next to the carved cedar chest her father had made for her dowry and pulled out a beautiful quilt pieced with blue and white pinwheels. It was an understated pattern, but all of the tiny stitches, placed with such care, made it into something much more than a blanket. She traced the designs with her fingers and then held it tightly to her chest, inhaling the warm scent of the wood. She meant to put the quilt back into the box and then hesitated. Why shouldn’t I use it? She thought to herself. It’s not like I’ll ever be married.

Ingrid’s mother, Agnes, had made the quilt for her when she was betrothed to Ivar, Ingrid’s childhood sweetheart. Agnes was beloved and wise. Whenever the villagers had needed a little extra luck, they turned to her. Clothes mended by her hands held together longer. Blankets stitched by her kept children warm and quiet at night. When a couple was to be wed, they turned to Agnes for a quilt that would ensure a happy and prosperous marriage. Everything she made was filled with love, and perhaps a touch of enchantment.

Sadly, Agnes never lived to see her daughter’s marriage, and seven years had passed since the quilt was made, yet it still resided in the cedar chest, waiting to be used. All of Ingrid’s youthful hopes seemed to sit with it, undisturbed and unfulfilled. Ivar had been the love of her life and they’d pledged to get married, but it wasn’t to be. Now she was well past the age most girls were married and she continued on with her life. Ivar’s loss had been devastating to her and the other men in the village paled in comparison, so she did the best she could. She was content with her life and soon found herself absorbed in the work her mother had passed on to her. Ingrid made beautiful things from simple cloth and thread and they filled her life with peace. Many in the village came to see her as somewhat of a widow, although they treated her kindly. There was pity lingering in their voices as they remarked on her skill and grace, lamenting that she’d never share her life with another, but her response to their concern was always a joke or a lighthearted comment. Ingrid was different than most.

Spring had arrived in Ingrid’s small village and the day had finally come to celebrate the Feast of Valborg. It was one of her favorite holidays. It meant the end of the cold, dark winter and sweeter days to come. There would be picnics in the meadow and a bonfire at night. Then they would all gather together and sing songs to welcome the new season. It brought back memories from her youth. She recalled wearing a crown of flowers in her raven hair and a dress that her mother had made with a red embroidered bodice that laced up the middle and a yellow skirt the color of buttercups. She’d never wondered who would sit next to her at the picnic. It was always Ivar. They had fallen in love as they’d grown up together. Now she wore one of her mother’s dresses, a midnight blue smock, cinched with a black apron that almost reached the hem of her dress. Her dark hair, plaited in a thick braid, reached the small of her back, but her face was still rosy and unlined. In truth, she couldn’t have been more than a couple years older than the young bachelors of the village, but after being unmarried for seven years, they’d long since looked away.

She glanced down at her dress and smoothed out the wrinkles, then picked up her mother’s quilt again, gazing at it wistfully. It just felt right to bring it out again and let it see the light. It was meant to be used. Before she could second-guess herself, Ingrid picked up the quilt, shut the lid of the chest, and marched out the door with her picnic basket on her arm and her dog Otto at her heels.

They followed the winding path out of the forest and into the village until they reached the meadow where a colorful spread of quilts and wildflowers dotted the clearing. There was a large pile of firewood, just waiting to be ignited at dusk, in the center of it all. The atmosphere was humming with cheerful voices, chirping birds, and the sound of trees being felled in the distance. Ingrid caught a side conversation as she passed a group of men stacking firewood. “I heard today’s the day that Sven’s boys will begin to look for their brides.” Ingrid turned her head reflexively to listen. That was often part of the celebration. Unmarried men, who hadn’t shown much initiative yet, went to the edge of the clearing and felled a tree, which was meant to show them the direction they should look in to find a wife. It was an old tradition, not taken seriously by most. It did give the young men a chance to show off for the girls of the village, however, which they didn’t seem to mind at all.

The festivities began and Ingrid settled down on her quilt with Otto close by. He licked her hand, begging for scraps, and she tossed him a bread crust. Sven Hansson clapped his hands loudly and called out for everyone to hear, “As you all know, my two sons, Karl and Gustav, are now old enough to be called men.” He winked and a few laughs echoed throughout the crowd. He continued, “The time has come for them to start looking for their brides!” He pointed to Karl, gesturing for him to go first. Karl walked purposefully out to the edge of the meadow and took up his axe, shearing down a young birch in no time. It fell to the south, in the direction of most of the cottages in the village, and he held up his hands in victory. The girls cheered especially loud for Karl. He was the oldest of Sven’s sons, and although he was past the typical marrying age, he was handsome and well-liked. It would not be difficult for him to find a willing bride. Then it was Gustav’s turn. He was a few years younger, tall and lean, with bright red hair that curled out from under the edges of his knit cap. His short beard was also red. He looked a bit sheepish as he took the axe from Karl’s hands and went off in the opposite direction. Pausing at the edge of the trees, he was unsure about which one to choose and finally settled on a slim pine with scraggly branches. When he hefted the axe, however, it was clear that he was just as skilled as his brother. After a few earnest chops, the trunk cracked and Gustav jumped out of the way as the tree fell in an unexpected direction. There was an audible gasp. It had not fallen in the direction of the village at all. It pointed off toward the forest, where Ingrid’s lone cabin stood.

As Ingrid watched the events unfold, she gripped the edges of her mother’s quilt and pulled it up to her chin, as if to hide behind it. Heads began to turn in her direction. Otto’s ears perked up at the attention and he nosed her hand for another treat. She froze for a split second and then quickly gathered up her picnic basket and took off running toward the forest with Otto leading the way, his tongue lolling out of his mouth and ears flapping in the wind. It was all a game to him and he was determined to get home first.

Ingrid reached the door a full minute after Otto, gasping for breath. She quickly opened the latch and hurried inside, locking it again, as if they were being pursued. Peeking out of the curtains, she slowed her breath and saw that no one had followed. The villagers would still be at the meadow, celebrating and singing together. She couldn’t bring herself to return tonight and show her face. It was all too much to bear. The scrutiny and embarrassment turned her cheeks red at that instant and she sat in her rocker with her face in her hands. There was no chance a young man like Gustav would be interested in someone like her. He would be the laughingstock of the village if he ever came knocking at her cabin door. Another feeling rose up, unbidden, and she realized that she still wished he might.

Otto whined and paced at the door, wishing for another chase, and Ingrid bent down to run her fingers through his thick white fur. He licked her cheek and caught a tear that had escaped from the corner of her eye. Looking over at her cedar chest, Ingrid’s heart suddenly sank. She’d forgotten her quilt back in the meadow. Either she would have to return and face everyone, or she’d have to wait until morning and go back for it, hoping it was still there and in one piece. She paced, wondering what to do, clutching at her chest and starting to cry again.

In the midst of Ingrid’s worry and frustration, a soft knock at the door startled her. Otto barked and sniffed at the threshold. Ingrid quickly wiped tears from her cheeks and peeked through the window. It was Gustav. And he had her mother’s quilt tucked under his arm.

Hello to 2013

This may be my only post of 2013, but here it goes. I'll try to give a little glimpse into my life during the past year and some hopes for the coming year. I've decided not to torture myself by trying to evaluate my goals from 2012, which were vague anyway, and just focus on what went right. It was a good year and I feel blessed.

Many of you know that I've been driving a school bus for a while now. It's my second school year behind the wheel and it's been eye opening. Some days are trying, some are affirming, and most are somewhere in the middle. It's amazing how working with students in this small window of their day teaches me so much about them. It's like seeing wild animals in the jungle. I have had students tell me I'm their favorite driver and ask me about my life. I've also had students assume that they know what my life is like and try to tell me that I'm something like a sad cat lady and treat me even worse. I've been called names and mistreated, but I also see many opportunities to reach out to students who need love. By being a positive influence in my small sphere I feel successful. It also empowers me to move on to becoming a teacher. I am planning this next step in the near-ish future, although it still seems daunting.


I can say during my second school year that I still love working with the kids. I enjoy their questions and jokes. I enjoy moments when I get to lift them up. I cherish their sweet notes, flowers, and treats. This job has been a wake up call to help me understand how to work with children and not take certain things personally. I could not have said that a few years ago. I am happy with the realizations I've had and I know I have much more to learn. Working with children can be different every day and I need to be consistent for them. That can be a lot to ask, but I'm trying. I didn't know what I was taking on when I started this job, but I am glad that it has been so much more than driving from point A to point B.

In other blessings, I am very glad to have met someone last year. We have been dating since September and still going strong. His name is Nate. We met in part because I was at Girl's Camp with his mom. I have had many mothers talk to me about meeting their sons, but none ever really followed through. It just seemed like all the others, so I said sure, I'd meet him if he wanted. I didn't think much about it. A couple weeks later I was contacted by him and right away I was drawn in by his sense of humor. He messaged me telling me he'd seen me at church, but I was sure I'd never seen him. He mustered up the courage to call me and ask me out and we had a great time playing mini golf followed by root beer floats. It was essentially a blind date, even though our families knew each other. The first thing he said to me was something like "why don't I know you?" I said I wasn't sure. It seemed like we would have run into each other throughout the years, but we never did. We even went to BYU and never crossed paths. Well, since we went out we've spent almost every day, give or take a few, together. I've brought him out of his comfort zone on many occasions. I've had him try on clothes. He's teaching me how to play more nerdy games. We share books. We go on walks and hikes. I have never dated someone so willing to work with me. He is such a kind and patient person. I'm very grateful we met.

This year seems full of possibilities. I know many of them depend on me and I want to do my best. I don't want to be hampered by fear as I have in the past. Maybe that's the only resolution I'll mention on my blog this time. I want to live with greater courage. I may not seem like a person who scares easily, but you'd be surprised. Everyone has fears. I want to let go of mine and enjoy this year!

Truth and Deception

I'm sitting up in bed, can't sleep, sick enough to miss work, so I thought I'd blog. My thoughts have been focused on the subject of deception for a couple days now. It was the theme of a lesson I was asked to teach spontaneously on Sunday, but it has also been a part of the conversations I've had with friends lately regarding relationships.

I've been somewhat withdrawn from the online community lately by choice. Sometimes the constant barrage of status updates and causes to care about and photos from the latest events in peoples' lives are overwhelming. I took a whole week off of Facebook and felt more free. Not spending time there gave me the opportunity to catch up on other pursuits and helped me to feel less concerned about how I am perceived by others. In fact, I recently read an article about How Facebook might be making us sadder. The idea is that perhaps we find ourselves comparing our level of happiness to others. This generally causes us to think that we are less happy than our friends and leaves us with the impression that we are lesser. Comparison is one of the quickest ways to feel terrible about ourselves. While I am not the kind of person who seeks mass approval, the fact that I even have a blog and a Facebook account says that I do care about what some people think and I would like to connect and even share ideas. My goal is to use this medium to enrich my life and to avoid deception.

Elder Bednar gave a talk a couple years ago called Things as They Really Are. It is a warning about the misuse of our time and our bodies. He directly connects our spiritual progression with the first gift we are given on earth: our physical body. Having a body helps us to learn many things we could not otherwise. As an institute teacher once told me, it is our "school" here in mortality. Through our body we learn to control our passions and appetites. We bring our body and spirit in harmony by being obedient to the commandments. It might seem odd to bring this subject up first when talking about deception, but our bodies are so important to becoming like God that Satan wants us to believe they are of little worth, simply a means to an end, and one of the ways he does this is by lessening the impact of reality. He can lead us to believe that the face we present online is more important than who we really are.

Let me just get on a soap box here for a second. As dating becomes more difficult due to various challenges, the last thing I want is to be deceived. I have tried online dating a few times and my overall feeling is that it is deceptive. Not all people have that motivation, and many do not mean to deceive, but it is a problem simply because of the format. Can you really get to know someone through a list of their likes, dislikes, and interests? It's not just about a photo being airbrushed or not; it's about really getting to know a person--and not just the good parts. Dating is not about tip-toeing around on egg shells and only presenting the aspects of yourself that others will like. On a similar note, it is also not just about what a person looks like. Clicking through hundreds of photos until you find one that makes you inclined to message that person is not only vain, it is judgmental.

Our Savior came to earth to bring us truth. He came in a simple form, as a humble man who did not attract the attention of others because of what He looked like, but because of who He was:

"...he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him. He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not." Isaiah 53:2-3

He never deceived anyone about who He was or what His purpose was. His intent came across so clearly through his actions and teachings that He inspired people to follow Him and learn from Him. Esteem is also an important word to consider, it means to love or respect. We can show our love and respect for the Savior by recognizing what He did for us and choosing to live our lives in a way that will lead us to Him. If we do not esteem ourselves as well, we cannot become like Him. In order to love ourselves and others, we have to see clearly. Deception will not aid us in this effort.

It is important to me to find the things that are true and authentic in this life, especially in my relationships, because they can continue with us forever. I want to live my life in a way that gives me freedom and hope. I strongly believe that I am helped to avoid deception by living the commandments and having the guidance of the Spirit. Elder Bednar closed his remarks with this statement:

"Obedience opens the door to the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. And the spiritual gifts and abilities activated by the power of the Holy Ghost enable us to avoid deception—and to see, to feel, to know, to understand, and to remember things as they really are. You and I have been endowed with a greater capacity for obedience precisely for these reasons.

Moroni declared:“Hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him.

“Be wise in the days of your probation; strip yourselves of all uncleanness; ask not, that ye may consume it on your lusts, but ask with a firmness unshaken, that ye will yield to no temptation, but that ye will serve the true and living God” (Mormon 9:27–28).

As we heed that inspired counsel, we can and will be blessed to recognize and repel the attacks of the adversary—today and in the days that lie ahead. We can and will fulfill our foreordained responsibilities and contribute to the work of the Lord in all the world."

A tribute to great hair in rock.

Can't help but love it. From Robert Plant to Sebastian Bach, I'm hooked.

My 2011 report card

Successes:

1. Getting a job that is challenging and enjoyable to me (driving a school bus!)
2. Selling my car and eliminating car payments and paying less for gas
3. Becoming more financially stable
4. Learning a lot about relationships
5. Making some new friends
6. Gaining new skills and improving on others: horseback riding, driving a bus, roller skating, sewing, teaching…
7. Feeling happier

Last year I said that I most regretted:

• My financial decisions. Buying a car that was too expensive last year and shopping too frequently for things that I don't need has left me feeling frustrated.

Not true anymore!

• My attitude regarding relationships. I haven't been this closed off for some time. I've been unfriendly at times, critical, and just unavailable, even to people close to me.

Also not true! I’ve dated a few people and had good and varied experiences doing so. I don’t regret spending time with the men that I’ve met and I’m happy to say that most are now my friends.

• My lack of diligence. I haven't been very attentive to people that I care about and I've let a lot of important things slide. I include my willingness to do my calling at church in this category and the depth of my scripture study. I just feel lazy.

Kind of not true. I still need to be better about scripture study and visiting teaching, but I do feel like I’m doing my best as a gospel doctrine teacher and I enjoy working at the temple. I’ve been trying to keep contact with dear friends and I’ve been okay about that too.

Now for the rundown of last year’s resolutions… *cringe*

Here’s my grading system:

Well done!

You’re halfway there. Keep going!

Meh. Try harder.

Last year I tried to...

1. Avoid library or credit card late fees. Keep track of when stuff is due and take care of it on time.

2. Switch scripture study to the morning. I have the time and it needs to be more meaningful.

3. Exercise in the morning as well-- walk or bike 45 minutes.

4. Apply to grad schools by the deadlines in April for this fall.

5. Start meeting new people to date by doing new things, perhaps even online dating... er, we'll see.

6. Ask hard questions, even if the situation is awkward. It's not about confrontation, but communication.

7. Get as much paid off on my credit cards as possible!

8. Sell my car and get rid of that extra payment.

9. Get a more affordable car.

10. Speak less out of anger. Shut my mouth and walk away if I can't do anything positive about the situation.

11. Practice my Russian daily.

12. Practice piano daily.

13. Learn to play some simple songs on the guitar.

14. Get a guitar or borrow one.

15. Continue going to the temple at least weekly.

16. Avoid shopping at all if I don't have money.

17. Be more prayerful. Ask for the things I really need. Give thanks sincerely and frequently.

18. Stop saying unkind things about people. Period.

19. Read more from my personal library of books.

20. Tell people how much they mean to me more often.

21. Say thank you more.

22. Make quilts for each member of my family.

23. Seek out opportunities to see and do new things locally.

24. Write more!

25. Take more responsibility for my decisions.

26. Give away things I don't need.

27. Cut out excuses. Apologize and then say what I will do differently the next time.

28. Wear sexy shoes more often.

29. Take the dogs on more walks.

30. Compliment others more.

31. Smile more.

32. Stop agonizing over past mistakes and embarrassments.

33. Hug people more.

34. Be more polite on the road.

35. Wait my turn and smile when I get there.

All considered, 2011 was a year of realigning priorities, becoming more stable, more confident, and more happy. I wasn't instantly competent at everything I set out to do; I made some dumb mistakes and cried a little about it from time to time, but I kept trying. Overall, I made some headway with new skills and gained some good experience in my work and in relationships. Hopefully 2012 will be even better. New resolutions are on their way...

10 things that need to go in 2012!

This is only my opinion, but here are some things I'd like to get rid of with the new year...

1. Mustaches on anything but a face (a MAN's face)

2. What I like to call the "Eski-HO" look (and Uggs with any outfit, really)

3. Two-tone hair

4. Feathers in hair

5. Anything related to the Kardashians (especially their clothing line!)

6. Still not understanding how to wear pants (get pants that fit!)

7. Not wearing proper pants (tights aren't pants!)

8. Nerd glasses (and while we're at it, Bieber hair!)

9. Jersey Shore (ugh, just be done with it! The tanning, the drunkenness, the

douchbaggery...)

10. Taking "native" style too far

Learning the (unwritten) rules of the game... and then ignoring them completely.

I started this entry before I really thought about it. That never happens, right? It was at first a bit of a rant about why I don't understand the unwritten rules of dating and how I don't even understand my own approach at times. I'll let you read it and then I'll respond to myself:

As a 30 year old woman (I tend to start out talking about most dating subjects this way... maybe I shouldn't), I would like to finally understand "the game." As in, "don't hate the player, hate the game." I have never been able to wrap my mind around the way that most people seem to be able to play this game of chase with all its unwritten rules that is supposed to end in love. I used to claim that I wanted a guy to simply come up to me one day and tell me "Hey, I like you. Let's date." And I would say, "Yes! I'd love that." And we'd date. And it would be awesome. Well, I have to eat my words, because I have never experienced that and even if I did, I would probably find myself less than interested in the guy because he didn't make me want it bad enough. On the other hand, I have no idea how to be the kind of girl that makes guys want it bad enough. As my mom has told me on more than one occasion, I am "too available"... at least when I like a guy.

This places me in the middle of a dichotomy. When I don't like a guy, I inadvertently play hard to get because that is my aim. I do not want to be with him and I dodge his advances, which makes him keep trying. Then I have to tell him the truth, and it hurts me and him.

When I do like a guy, I answer all his texts, phone calls, emails, facebook messages, etc. and I wait for my phone to ring like I'm in front of a microwave with a burrito in it. Then I start to wonder if he's thinking about me. I agonize over everything I say to him and fool myself into thinking I'm being evasive enough by waiting five minutes to answer a text. No, nobody's fooled. At that point I have become the needy girlfriend and as a result, get cut loose soon thereafter. (That is, if I even make it to the girlfriend stage.) If I do, heaven help him. I am a tornado of love. Maybe a monsoon. I was told once by an ex, that I am now friends with, that I am a "sunshiney steamroller." He understands my approach now and tried to tell me many times when we were together that it was too much, but I could not be bridled. I was wildly in love with him.

Now I cycle between these two scenarios:

I meet a guy. I like him a lot right away. I start saying too much and doing too much and then... it's over.

OR

I meet a guy. I don't like him right away. I give it a week or two to see what happens. He likes me more than I like him. I try to let him down easy. And I'm never really sure if I do.

Is there a third scenario that I am lacking? Is there a way to ease into a relationship even though I have already decided I like someone quite a bit? You see, this is my challenge. My decisiveness. Once I have decided I like a guy, it's on. It's almost like a death sentence. Not for him, for me. No one likes that kind of pressure looming over them and no matter how hard I try to seem nonchalant, I AM NOT. I'm just not a very subtle girl. In my history of relationships, I tend to be the one who kisses first. I even say "I like you" and the dreaded "I love you" first. Why do I do this? Maybe it's because I'm a control freak and I unconsciously feel compelled to push a relationship along instead of letting it happen. It might stem from fear, but it also might be as straightforward as just being excited and gushing a bit too much.

Okay, this is where I stopped myself. This was becoming a thought spiral. It's one of those moments when thinking about something over and over does nothing but make me feel like I'm losing touch with myself and that maybe I'm a little crazy. But I'm not. I'm very perceptive and self-aware. I recently read an article that might seem kind of unrelated, but I'm going to reference it because it's what too many women tell themselves. We dismiss our feelings with the blanket statement that "we're crazy" and downplay how we feel. The author points out how many women accept statements from other people that lead them to believe that their feelings aren't very important and that they are constantly overreacting. In fact, most women have experienced this so often that we don't need anyone to tell us how off-base we are anymore. We'll do it to ourselves.

This leads me back to what I started to write. I started to dissect myself again and point out all my flaws in how I approach relationships. Am I really that bad? Do I really not know how to express my feelings properly? I know I care and I know that my approach doesn't work for everyone. But it doesn't have to. It's okay to like someone and for those feelings not to be reciprocated. That means it's time to move on. It's also okay for someone to like you and for those feelings not to be returned. They'll learn to move on as well. Hopefully we'll keep doing this until we find the one who wants to stick around. I always say it's a miracle to meet someone who likes you at the same time and with the same intensity that you like them. It's so rare and so wonderful that it's worth all the moments when you wish you could quit. That's my conclusion. I'm not crazy, I'm just not in love right now. I'm still looking, but not searching. My eyes are open, but not focused only on the goal. It makes it hard to see what else is out there. It's kind of refreshing to have an open horizon for once in a long time. It's a good place to be at with the coming of a new year.

I know this post wasn't related to Christmas in any way, but I do want to say MERRY CHRISTMAS to my few readers! You are loved. You are not crazy. Enjoy the season!

Gratitude continued...

Henry B. Eyring's article in the most recent Ensign magazine has added a new layer of thought to what I previously wrote on gratitude. Check it out here: http://lds.org/liahona/2011/12/the-choice-to-be-grateful?lang=eng

At the end of the article was an activity called the "Gratitude Challenge." I accept!

1. Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for.
I am grateful I can listen to music, dance, make good food, taste food, see beautiful things, read, reach out to others and hug them, write how I feel, walk as far as I need to go, and touch my toes.

2. Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my soft, warm bed, the clothes I have to wear, my shoes to keep my feet dry, a car to get me to work, books to read, music to listen to, food to eat, the scriptures to inspire me, a computer to write these words, and a TV to watch ElF on (which is what I'm doing right now).

3. Write 10 living people you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my parents (that's two), my siblings (that's three), their spouses (two more), my good friends (that's more than the rest!)... and many, many more people who make my life worth living.

4. Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for.
I am grateful for my Savior who has done everything for me, President Hinckley for being a wise, kind prophet, Mormon for putting together the Book of Mormon, Moroni for preserving it for us, Joseph Smith for asking with sincerity, and some of my favorite authors: Leo Tolstoy, Aleksandr Pushkin, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Roald Dahl, and even though I don't know most of their names, all my ancestors who have made it possible for me to be here.

5. Write 10 things about nature you are grateful for.
I am grateful for the beautiful greenery in Oregon, the mountains in Utah, the sunrise and sunset (which I get to see most days as a school bus driver), hiking in the mountains, the warm ocean in Hawaii and the soft sand, thunder and lightning (when I'm indoors!), taking a horse on a trail ride, and watching animals in their natural settings.

6. Write 10 things about today you are grateful for.
I am grateful today was the last day of work before Christmas break, I did my route today with no problems, I drove young mothers with children today, I saw a beautiful sunrise and sunset, I had delicious ham and potatoes for lunch (provided by work), I went shopping with a friend who was very patient with me, I have a kind mother who washed my sheets after my dog peed on them!, I was able to give some small gifts to coworkers, I found a copy of a book I didn't know existed by a favorite author of mine (and it was autographed!), I found a cute skirt on sale, and I took a nap. I know that's more than ten.

7. Write 10 places on earth you are grateful for.
I am grateful for the cities I lived in in Ukraine, Portland, Oregon!, the top of the Arc de Triomphe in Paris where I watched a beautiful sunset, the view from the top of any hike I've ever done (especially Tom, Dick, and Harry ridge in the MT. Hood wilderness), a little place called Provo, Utah (especially the house I lived in on 500E), the Writing Fellows office on BYU campus, Eastmoreland Park, the West Linn library, the Portland, Oregon temple, my bedroom (I've lived in it off and on since I was 16)... and I visit these places often in my mind.

8. Write 10 modern inventions you are grateful for.
I am grateful for washing machines, cars, the internets, anything that plays music, roller skates, toasters, Kitchen Aid mixers, hot showers, feminine sanitary items, underwire bras...

9. Write 10 foods you are grateful for.
I am so grateful for turkey and cranberry, Hawaiian pizza, kalua pig with rice and macaroni salad, the McDouble mini meal, the crunchwrap, hot buttered toast, ambrosia salad with green jell-o, the temple cheese rolls, sushi, and instant maple Cream of Wheat.

10. Write 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for.
I am grateful that the gospel gives me hope, helps me to be more humble, teaches me to reach out to others, reminds me to be thankful for my Savior, helps me to know what I really need, gives me the opportunity to teach others and share my beliefs, shows me what love really is, allows me to be with my family forever, helps me to discipline my body, teaches me to enjoy every day.

The cure for fear is gratitude

"Ironically enough, in the same way that fear brings to pass what one is afraid of, likewise a forced intention makes impossible what one forcibly wishes... Pleasure is, and must remain, a side-effect or by-product, and is destroyed and spoiled to the degree to which it is made a goal in itself." ― Viktor E. Frankl

Fear is a selfish feeling. It is the opposite of gratitude. I've been coming to terms with the anxiety that seizes me, inexplicably at times. It often manifests itself when changes are taking place in my life, when big decisions need to be made, and when relationships are being formed, along with other stresses. At this time in my life, almost all of these conditions are present and so I've found myself struggling with the fears that grip me in the midst of great blessings. I get frustrated with myself and I wish I had a switch I could flip off to quell the fear. It makes me want to call myself crazy or neurotic and yet I know my intentions are good. So, what makes me scared? And, more importantly, what can I do to have courage and enjoy life?

I believe that fear often comes from selfishness and it is a faith issue. When I am scared I know that feeling comes from the fear that my deepest desires will be left unfulfilled. Do I believe the Lord when He tells us repeatedly "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"? The truth is, most of the time I do, but sometimes I falter. I am so grateful for the kind people who remind me of who I really am and what I am capable of. In my times of need I have had friends reassure me of my strength and share their wisdom with me. They are answers to my prayers.

The answer to fear is simple in expression, but complicated to execute. It is simply gratitude. Instead of worrying about my own needs being met, I can reach out to others and stop focusing on what I perceive as missing from my life. In reality, as long as I'm seeing the holes in my life, I will not see what is actually present. There will never be enough for me if I am never satisfied. Viktor Frankl more eloquently said:

"Don't aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run - in the long-run, I say! - success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it."

I'll admit, this has been somewhat of a gripe for me. Why must I deny what I am seeking in order to find it? The same goes for relationships. As soon as I look for love, I find disappointment, but when it comes to me unsought I can appreciate it more fully because I have experienced a single life and embraced it. I'm not saying I'm good at this yet, because I'm not, but at least I know what I should do. I should allow myself to love without fear and enjoy the process instead of fearing the end from the beginning, which is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I need to apply this principle to something I have already accomplished. This summer, for example, I was learning how to drive a school bus: a giant, yellow, 14-ton-machine that does not operate in the same way a car works. I'll admit, it scared me a little to drive one at first, but I didn't picture myself failing. I took it on as a challenging project and I believed I was capable of accomplishing the task. At one point in my training, I was pulled aside by my trainer and told that I was coming along more slowly than others. She was concerned that I wouldn't be able to fully realize my goal of becoming certified. Her confidence in my ability was shaken by my slow progress and it affected my performance for a good week or two. I shouldn't have allowed that criticism to make me doubt myself, but it did for a while. I took my commercial driver's license test the first time and failed it. I went home fearing that I wouldn't be able to continue, although my mistake had been a minor technicality, but then I prayed for help. I focused on my strengths and continued with a smile on my face. The second time I passed. It was a great feeling. Now I can drive without the anxiety I felt then. I enjoy it now. I can focus on attending to the needs of the students because I am past my own fears. The same goes for other fears. When I can get past them, I can attend to the needs of others more effectively. I hope I can always remember this. It doesn't mean that I am always perfect at what I am doing. I hit a telephone pole with my bus a while ago and it shook my confidence, but I didn't quit (and thankfully wasn't fired) and I continue to improve my driving skills.

Fear keeps me from becoming who I am supposed to be. It clouds my perception of myself and others. I am going to do my best to focus on gratitude and be a force for good. I suppose that's a good conclusion to come to on Thanksgiving, right?

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am grateful for you in my life. Thank you for listening.

Thoughts on turning 30

It seems that 30 is a turning point for many people. You can panic, deny it, or embrace it. There's no turning back. I suppose it has everything to do with expectations and little to do with an actual number. Truthfully, I haven't put much thought into it and I think that's positive. Sitting down to write this post is the first real thinking I've done and I don't want to over analyze it, like I do with most things. It's just another birthday, nothing to freak out about, right?

I do want to address the idea of expectations, however. At age 30 there seems to be things people, especially women, should have accomplished. Marriage, a career, perhaps children, come to mind. There are also all kinds of modern ideas about what people should have done in their twenties before "settling down." That's all well and good, but I've never felt an intense need to prove that I'm completely living it up as a single person in order to justify the lack of a family, impressive career, and so on. Yes, I will admit that there are things I wish would have happened by this time, but that does not mean that turning 30 marks the end of a marriageable era.

So obviously, 30 is only a mental hurdle. I've actually been using it as a way to dissuade younger men from being interested in me. As in, high school age boys that I drive on the bus. All I have to say is "I'm thirty" and they get a scared look on their faces. I get a kick out of that. As an LDS young single adult, it might also get me the same looks from guys I meet, but I know that guys who have that reaction aren't ones I should be interested in.

I'm going to approach 30 with enthusiasm. I think I've come up with a theme based around a song that always puts a smile on my face. Even the lyrics put me in a positive mood:

I get up, and nothin' gets me down
You got it tough, I've seen the toughest around
And I know, baby, just how you feel
You got to roll with the punches and get to what's real...

One final note, I have a tradition of getting a sexy pair of birthday heels. This year's pick:

Don't be concerned. I will not be dancing to any Van Halen in these shoes.