Wrong

Everything seems wrong today...everything I do even seems wrong today...what's the matter with me?? Another bad day I'm going through, enough said. Been feeling kinda low lately...my self-esteem is non-existent...can't explain it...I just feel it...it's that time that I don't need the world to look at me...I'd rather hide from everyone. To make matters worse... I'm homesick too! I don't know when I'm going home yet...I wish it were sooner...can't stand another day by myself. Another predicament I'm in...should I take up this new offer or not...my mind boggles at the very thought of living the 'singaporean' life??! Am I up to the challenge? Maybe...but being adventurous is another issue...another dilemma to add to my list of woes. I don't feel right at the moment...maybe I'm coming down with something?? Maybe I haven't been getting enough rest this week...stress...stress...stress...woe is me

Alone For Now

It's just one of those days...I need to get my life together...I have enough of everyone...I just need myself. Call it what you like...I just want to be alone for now...no excuses, no reasons...There are just too many to list...besides, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings...I'm not that kinda guy. I'm in a trashy mood...I feel I have to break something to vent it all out...though a part of me refrains from lashing out, in the back of my mind I'm already pounding away at the wall...bleeding hands and all...

My head is heavy...my mind twisted with confusion...I hate to take sides...I hate to be in the middle of situations not of my being. Am I wrong to turn a blind eye?? My mind sees what my eyes cannot...unfortunately ignorance rules my judgement...I feel helpless...

Leave me be...leave me alone...let me heal...let me be by myself for now...

Hey everyone...it's been awhile...I deeply apologise for such a dissapearence...life has been taking me hostage for sometime...my thoughts are non-existent at all. You maybe wondering what I've been up to lately for the past couple of months and no I didn't abandon my blog...abscond would be a better word for it, hopefully I'm here to stay for now on. For those who may not know, I have been away for sometime, work commitments have chopped, screwed and spat-out what ever life I may have called my own...then, hence laziness sets in, though the body may be healthy, but the mind remains too de-moralized to blog...

As for Love in my life...it's still a big void...nothing filled except for caution & spite...an assuring combination followed by darkness and uncertainty...dramatically, it may sound disturbing to some...honestly, ...well being alone makes the mind conjure up weird...be it uncanny thoughts. I 've put love on hold for now, I feel that I kinda don't wanna get mixed up in it...life seems too complexed as it is...and the thought of romance has some how lost it's prized meaning to me...however I'm not resenting it at all...just taking a back seat from all the action I suppose. Please note that this is not an attempt to forget love at all...it's just my way of shelving it for future reference, a comical but technical term used by a close friend. I've been too unlucky for too long...it's best that I take a break and start to appreciate what I already have...a loving family and the company of genuine friends. A tough decision it may seem, but one that is much required from within. I even ' accidentally ' ran(fb) into my first love the other day...I was surprised at myself...rather more proud to say the least that I didn't even get any flashbacks this time...no more reminders of past pain...I must have gotten over it...or then again maybe I'm just heartless now...who knows?!?

Ambivalent feelings

Being ambivalent have their advantages and disadvantages, one of the advantages are that you're not that picky, because when something like food or restaurants looks good, you're open to any suggestions. Their disadvantages is I think most likely got to do with feelings and emotions.

I've started dating again, well, I'm not looking for love and relationship at the moment, but I think about it now and again, I do need some sort of companionship. And perhaps companionship could grow into something more meaningful. My date yesterday was an eventful one, we had so many things in common with respect to family and relationships. We found ourselves talking about a lot of things under the cool breeze of the South China Sea. It was nice to finally date a gentle being. So far, I've experienced that my date was very calm and gentle.

I must admit that I am quite attracted to my date, which ruins my decisiveness. But I am sure that the least that I want out of my date is friendship and companionship. I guess all in good timing. My best friend asks me, when we are not ready for love, how do we know that when we shutdown true love when it's staring you in your face, that we'll not regret it for the rest of our life. And how do we know that it is true love in the first place. Chicken and egg situation.

I sometimes find it frustrating, when I see people seek true love as if in a snap of a finger and they look so happy. When I have to go through so much thoughts and emotions to make my decision. My Dear Lily told me, love is like gambling, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes, we'd have to make it work, like playing cards, you change cards until you get a strong hand.

I often ask myself, does my readers think I'm a stupid fool? Falling for the same mistake over and over again? Do you? Do you think that I'm not ready for love? Do you think that my life is a mistake? Do you think that I should stay single? I got a mentor that tells and gives me advices. And sometimes feel strongly about what she said, I wish I am as strong as her, inside out. I should have faith in myself, but sometimes, it's just so hard when you feel like a balloon bouncing in the big blue sky hoping for the wind to blow you the right way... It's weird huh? But anyway, enough ranting...

xoxo

something to read...

Hariz sent me a message recently telling me that they are feeling lost. First question that comes to mind is "Why? Why are you feeling lost?" The second question would be "What made you feel that way?"

Is that not the natural way of thinking in which we humans comprehend emotions? As time goes by, I could not help but wonder how emotions are affected by our surroundings and how we are feeling affects the surroundings.

Actions and reactions by people around us, whether intentional or not, has a major effect on how we feel. Regardless whether those actions were directed to us or not. Could you put yourself in a situation where someone was getting verbally abused? We do not know those people, but we definitely feel bad inside. Or the time when someone was given an award, how happy we are when they are the people that we look up to receive it.

Now, I believe that human beings are social creatures and in a post-modernist point of view, we are greatly affected by our surroundings. So when we want to change our moods and emotions, we try to change the environment. When you are angry, you do not want to be in an "angry" environment. Closed areas, hard music and striking colored walls. What we want to do is to alleviate the painful expression, and move into either a calm, or joyful environment.

Onto how our emotions affect our surroundings. If you think this does not happen, guess again. It does happen, so you should read on so that you are aware.

We tend to think people make us feel bad, but we do not realize that we make other people feel bad too, especially when we are feeling not so well. Our body language, the choices of words, facial expression... these things will affect our surroundings. I do not want to go too deeply into this, but try to reflect and think about it. Is it true that there are times when we are angry we tend to pick fights with people, only to say "I'm sorry, i was not in a good mood just now," later? How people can be depressed when we are depressed? It all goes in full circle.

This rambling has gone too long, I could make a case-study out of this, but I will not. So to end the post, try to ask yourself this question whenever you feel lost, "Why am I feeling this way?" and "Should I think too much of this, or will I go forward?" Until another question poses in front of you, I bid my farewell...

p/s:zai..hope ur reading it..

the occasional ranting session

that's just the thing you know...

Sompe people are just destined to grovel at their ex's feet....sigh* when u think of it, i dont know whether to call it destiny or simply a character flaw...but some people are just like that..me for instant, no matter how much they get hurt, they come crawling back to the person who hurt them..

kenapa kan? why? what is it about emotional pain and ultimate bitchiness that i find so attractive? why do i always go back to the person who hurts me the most? mengapa tani mcm nda pandai kan fade-up? we know were gonna get hurt again and again and again and again...and we STILL go back... i dunno what to call..wether its love or just plain stupidity..sigh

i believe God made each of us a perfect partner,
i believe God is fair,
i believe we are all meant to be happy in a way,
if we could just find that hapiness somewhere over the rainbow of life...

but then again, to embrace with eagerness the very source of ur misery, the root of your biggest problem and the cause of ur hatred simply...not NORMAL. apakan? blind? nda lgi kan fikir dua kali....tarus go. Woa, Brave la tu kununnya. is that what you want me to say? no...we go speechless.. because human instinct tells us to avoid danger. but not us. we langgar sja the danger half-assed,not even think twice...

im telling you that you wouldnt come out unscathed from it. but when ur done groveling and digging ur own grave, dont come to anyone. its not like you didnt know you's get hurt. dont raint ur bestfriends day with ur presence...they spend enough effort and time to make u see whats good for u. tpi if what they say just comes out of the other ear, buat apa...sia sia sja....
save their limited heartbeats and sleep......

incoherent ku eh uleh nya... stress ku benda cemani ani....ergh... WHY?? WHY??

entah

Semampunya ku mencoba
Tetap setia menjaga segalanya
Demi cinta yang tak pernah berakhir
Ohhh…

I’m in my room bjaruk for the week. Just to kind of… do my work. InsyaAllah, it’ll be done this week. And I can work on it over the weekend.
That’s it.

I had ecstacy. An ecstacy I never intended to consume.

paul's choclate macaroon, thanx Sis for balikan me....!

mind the gap

Being away from the people you love and miss, makes you do silly things... I for one, am part of the unlucky few. Not stupid, just silly-not-what you-would-do-everyday kinda stuff. I miss Singapore and I'm looking forward to getting back soon.....
Every morning I get to thinking on how my day would turn out like? I wonder if I'll get through it? I wonder what dissapointments I'll face today? I wonder if my situation with 'her' will be better today than it was yesterday? I wonder if she will start talking to me today? I wonder if I'm in her thoughts today?
So many questions and yet, rarely any answers.....

Too much craving Fot SUSHIII...... <3