a conversation with a supposedly older person

A kakak senior who came to Alberta to visit her friends. I went over to say hi and introduce myself

Me: *shake hands* Saya Ainaa. Nama apa?
Kakak: Saya xxxxx. Akak ni dah lama kerja kat Alberta ke? Tinggal kat sini?
Me: oh actually tak.... saya batch bawah awak. 3rd year.

Am I really that old??!!

sigh,

I would give anything to munch on a bag of potato chips,

eat solid food like rice and bread,

drink coffee without getting dizzy,

talk smoothly without a lump on my jawline,

brush my teeth like any normal person,

and have minty fresh breath, not crusty and bloody.

day 2

So far so good. My cheeks have stopped swelling although my jaws resembles a man's jaw. "Takpe Ainaa, pipi u memang dah tembam pun. I tak perasan bengkak tu". Gee, thanks Azman. It has been a speedy recovery, although I'm still woozy and drowsy from the painkiller and antibiotic cocktail. That's ok, means I can lie in bed all day!

Thank you to my parents for their endless prayers. And thank you for understanding that I need the surgery now, and charging that enormous bill to your credit card, Ayah. I feel so guilty.
Thank you to my roomate Maryam for taking the time off between her busy schedule to accompany me to the surgery. I know you're occupied and tired between organising the Malaysian Night and your midterms.
Thank you to Kak Sa who picked me up post-surgery in her kereta bujang because I was too woozy and drugged to take the public transit home. Not forgetting you taking care of my prescription bills. I will pay back every single cent.
Thank you to my abang-abang Azman and Hilmi, for visiting, and cooking porridge and soup.

Thank you, everyone

Additional note: Thank you to Bobo (Ebo) for taking the time to stop by with a cup of latte, and to everyone else for their encouraging "Get Well Soon" messages.

just a quickie

The heart wants what it wants. But it can never differentiate what is good or bad for itself. I should never miss what was never mine.

On a lighter note, finally I'll be going through that surgery to extract all four of my wisdom tooth. Pretty nervous as I hate doctors and needles, but they will knock me out completely under anesthesia. I suppose the only comforting thought right now is I'm finally getting rid of the gum pains that I've been experiencing for the past few months.

fashion today

After shopping with my best friend yesterday I realized that fashion is so unforgiving. I squeezed through skinny jeans. I sucked my breath in for clothes that draped too tight. I wobbled under that 5-inch heels. When did shopping became so brutal?

I have never been self-conscious about my body image. Nor am I discouraging if you can pull that outfit off. In fact, I enjoy browsing through the latest trends. But in that dressing room be honest to yourself, "Is this really me?"

Nobody is telling you that you should succumb to that skinny jeans.

If someone writes Für Ainaa...

You know how they say Brahms is the next Beethoven? Or how Wagnerians thought that Beethoven had cast the anchors of the Symphony genre, saying that it stops after Symphony No. 9, movement no 4?

I disagree to both. I believe that absolute music ends when Beethoven died. There simply is no other composer greater than Beethoven himself. Only Beethoven can add a choir component in the middle of an orchestral piece. Period.

P/s: He does look a bit like my Food Sciences prof, Dr. Gaënzle. Tsk, them Germans :)

Half of My Heart

I was immediately drawn to this song because of these lyrics:

Down the road

Later on

You will hate that I never give more to you

Than Half of My Heart

I admit, I surrendered.

I surrendered to God, knowing that He knows what is best for me.

I surrendered to my prayers, knowing that He will answer when the time comes.

I surrendered to time, I will not allow it to pass by without doing anything unfulfilling.

I surrendered to my future, I am going to seize all opportunities that will come.

And tonight, I shall sleep knowing that I have found peace.

Today, the boy who I thought was already 'grown up' suddenly looked like a confused toddler dressed up in his dad's working clothes. That 'grown man' who I always looked up to for a matured opinion is staring back at me. Dazed, confused, like the baby who's just knocked over his bowl of porridge.

"What do I do, Ainaa?"

I wish I know.