Frustration with Mainstream Gay Culture

Who owns the word 'gay'?

It pisses me off that stereotypes of gay men are what they are, AND that media-prominent gay groups seem to feel like they have a copyright on what it means to be gay.  I mean..WTF...is there some rule book that says gay men must all love musical theater and secretly aspire to wear women's clothes?  What the hell does 'straight acting' mean exactly?   Who is responsible for keeping these myths alive?

I appear to be, by default, a stereotypic heterosexual man.  I am a hunter, I am a carpenter, I like to work in the yard, I don't give a damn what clothes I wear as long my shirt comes off the hangar from the dry-cleaners before I put it on for work.  I am into electronics and power tools, I know more about cars and auto mechanics than is healthy for any human being.  I guess the biggest difference between me and any other 'man' would be that I don't give a shit about team sports, and I would seriously like to get fucked really hard in the ass by another guy who I care about.  That, and I would like to have a perfectly shaped penis shoved all the way down my throat.  Is that so wrong?

A Hard Goodbye to my Best Friend

A tough day today.  My best friend and his wife left to go home today after being with me and my wife for the weekend.  If she and I weren't married, I think I would have had a talk with him a few years ago to let him know that I truly love him in a romantic way and that I could contemplate living my life with him, openly.  He and (to a limited degree) my wife seem to be the only two people who understand who I truly am - and love and accept me for it.  About a year and a half ago as he left to get on a plane to go home after a visit, I told him that I loved him while hugging him goodbye, and not in a qualified way.  He said he loved me too, and as he patted my back in a big bear hug, I felt a sense of  warmth I had rarely felt in my life.

At the beginning of our friendship when he and I were in our early twenties, I am fairly certain he came-on to me two or three times.  Our relationship was not nearly as strong back then, and though I have always been quite physically attracted to him, I was frozen and unable to react (although my heart was racing and a I was trembling all over).  I have lived with never-ending regret that I just blew it off like nothing happened - a chance to see what sex with a man would be like before marriage and children came along.  He likely is in the same situation I am - now married and committed to his wife and son, but dealing with conflicting aspects of his sexuality.  My heart longs for him - to be with him and to make love to him, but I don't think that will ever happen.  This realization brought me to tears as I drove in my car today.

My wife remains disconnected from me physically.  During a fight on the day before Thanksgiving, I made damn sure she knew how hard it has become for me to share a bed with her when she when she will not touch me.  Does she not feel the urge to connect sexually?  Does she not care that I feel more emotionally isolated and adrift than ever before in our marriage?  I rarely cry in front of her, but the choice was either to expose my frustration through tears or go into a rage and say some very mean and heartless things to her - just to make sure she felt the same degree of hurt that I do on a daily basis.

Got Masturbation?

"I jerk-off all the time.  I don't have any issue with it."  I said to my therapist.  "No one ever talks about this, you know, but the truth is I jerk-off once or sometimes twice a day."

Another first.  I couldn't believe I was hearing myself say this out loud.  My therapist laughed.  I am sure he knows what I know as a health care professional, which is that ALL males and females continue to masturbate throughout their entire lives.  A blessing is that my wife and I are remarkably relaxed about doing it.  When we first were dating and even into early marriage, we would attempt to conceal it if one of us caught the other in the act.  In recent years though, I don't even cover up if she walks in on me with my member in hand - we both just snicker and allow the other some privacy to finish.   The truth is that masturbating is the definitive act of my sexual life right now, and as such it needs to be included in any exploration of my sexuality.  

A brief masturbatory history:

I had my first orgasm at age eleven, after receiving some cursory instruction from other kids at school.  It scared the living hell out of me.  I thought I was having a heart attack, and vowed never to do it again if I survived.  Curiosity being what it is, though, I was at it again before the end of the next day.  Throughout junior high, high school, and college I would average about twice a day.  Back then I would force myself only to fantasize about women when I jacked-off, even though I would always feel driven to imagine myself getting naked with my male friends and having sex.

Like those days when I was growing up, jacking-off is now the only fulfilling and pure sexual activity I have at 42 years old.  My wife has had no interest in sex for about two years.  Despite my strong homosexual orientation lately, I miss making love to her - I miss the closeness when we're naked and giving each other pleasure.  I have felt for a long time, though, that she only lets me penetrate her as a obligation of marriage.  I feel completely undesired.  I'm a normal looking guy, nothing special - but nothing horrible either.  Present in me is a real need for her to want to touch me and love me physically, but I just don't think she connects in that way anymore - she just doesn't get it.  I feel very present with her when we have sex - I don't need to resort to fantasies during sex to get off.  I feel sad that at this relatively vital time in my life, massaging my own genitals is more enjoyable and more fulfilling than having her do it.

So - masturbation is important to me.  VERY important.  Masturbating has come to represent more than simply blowing a load, as when I was growing up.  It is a truly life-affirming and loving act for me.  I can touch myself in exactly the places and ways that I want, and make it a time of self-comfort and partial dissociation.  I can be with whomever I want to in my mind without dealing with the guilt of infidelity.  My fantasies have grown exclusively homosexual as I've grown older, and center on male friends and experiences I have had in the past.  I admitted this to my therapist, and to myself.  I don't know what it means about my sexuality that I do enjoy intimacy with women and like to express myself sexually to them.  I've never had any sexual experiences with men, but have had sex with seven women in my life.  I can't help but feel pretty passionate in my desire in recent years to make love to another man, though.  This is where it gets really confusing for me.

Welcome to my blog!

Welcome to my blog!

I am a 42 year old "happily" married professional.  I have a wife whom I love very deeply, and who loves me.  I have two school age children who are the center of my life.  I earn a very nice living in a very beautiful area of the country.  I have friends from different periods in my life who love me and really care about me as a person.

I am also gay.  And until one week ago, I had never told anyone this in my entire life.  I had never spoken the words.

Over the past twenty years I have lived with depression, on and off.  Five psychotherapists have put me through the wringer during this period of time, and two of them actually helped me.  After putting it off forever and neglecting the long backsliding into emotional darkness for close to six years, I finally decided to start off with a new therapist last week.  Before I went in for this initial session, I had made up my mind that it was finally going to happen - I was going to force myself to disclose that I wanted to have the experience of making love to another man, and have always been strongly sexually attracted to men in general.  This is something I have known about myself ever since I was six years old, when I recognized my fondness for seeing men with their shirts off.  I wish I could say I had the confidence at some point in the past to admit this to myself, and not make the decisions that have led to intense inner conflict and despair.  But up until now, I simply haven't had the courage, the confidence, or the insight.  

You can tell a lot about a psychotherapist by the trappings of his office.  This new therapist, a male about fifteen years older than I, was nested in a room filled with handmade pottery and local artwork.  It radiated a warmth and an aire of acceptance that was calming to me.  He started off by asking me what he could help me with, and almost immediately I told him my secret.  

"I have to tell you this off-the-bat, before I chicken out or lose my nerve" I said, "I am very depressed again, my wife and I haven't had sex for almost two years, and I have been suppressing my sexual orientation for the vast majority of my life."

He looked at me without response while I paused to gauge his reaction, and I continued to vomit it all out at once before I lost my nerve "Lately, I've been more intensely attracted to men than ever before, and have gotten really sad because I don't see me ever cheating on my wife and having the experience of having sex with another man."

With that, I started to cry and turned to stare out the window, letting the adrenaline rush subside.  I reached for a Kleenex to wipe my eyes.  I was scared and a bit shaken, but it felt good to say the words.  There was another brief pause from his side of the room, but he soon broke his silence with the words "You don't have to keep it bottled up anymore - it's great that you can talk about it.  Take your time."

The rest of the discussion is hard for me to remember, kind of like a patient hearing their doctor say "I'm sorry, but you have cancer" and then not being able to comprehend or recall anything the doctor says after that.  I do remember saying at the end that - despite the unsatisfied longing, desire, and sadness I feel - I like who I am as person and feel good about who I have become in life.  I feel there is nothing wrong with my sexual orientation - only the conflict it has created inside me.  He resoundingly approved of this statement, and put his arm around me in a partial embrace as he shook my hand when I left.  It was this simple act of comfort that meant more to me than anything else.  I had exposed the most vulnerable and guarded aspect of myself, and was not rejected because of it.

I decided to start this blog as a record of who I am, and what I am going through at this time in my life.  I have searched all over the Internet for groups that would lend some support, but I haven't found any that truly address my situation or my concerns.  There is too much to say about my life and experiences for this initial post, but I want to talk about them.  It is confusing to be your basic domesticated husband/father - a "stereotypic heterosexual" by appearance, behavior, and interests - and yet feel so strongly sexually oriented to other men.  I hope what I write may be of some benefit to others who find themselves living a sexually unfulfilled life, and who seek to find a pathway through that preserves their self-esteem without casting any judgement on others.