Still no sex with the wife. Saw that I recently rented a LGBT movie and became insecure with our relationship. She also, unfortunately, found it necessary to make me feel like a bad person for doing it. I don't think she did it to be mean, but she goes on autopilot in situations like this and gets a little panicky. I didn't really tolerate her reaction that well this time. Though not her intention, I felt she was shaming me and cornering me. I grew more and more angry and bitter, going further in my thoughts to a place where I didn't have to put up with her shit and could live the life that I daydream about. In my thoughts, I cam closer than I ever have to leaving her. She has no idea how close I came to going out and getting a condo. I felt as if she was going to freak out and 'out' me, I may as well take the opportunity.
Been thinking a lot lately about existence as a human being on this planet. Wondering how things in the world have gotten to be as they are. Wondering why we live in a society that basically sucks - and I'm talking more here about the US than anything else.
I am not that interested in jacking off right now. The SSRI I am taking makes it a real undertaking. It's too much of a time commitment, and I have no privacy in our house anyway. It also makes me kind of sad these days to engage my normal wanking fantasies. Closing my eyes, taking my cock in hand, and imagining making love to my male best friends seems a little bit like salt in the wounds. It's too painful.
I have less interest than ever in sex with the wife. I wish this would change. It is sexual contact, after all. In spite of everything, I do still love her very much and she is my best friend.
It helps to write all of this down.
