Time to Comment

Welcome to ICLW!  It has been FOREVER since I particpated in this wonderful event, and I'm glad to be back.  My grad class this session is examining the relevance of computer-mediated communication (ie, how we integrate technology into our lives)--and it has made me really miss this space.  I'm committed to getting back to using it to help me wade through my thoughts on our life as an adoptive family, because it was a tremendous support to me on our infertility journey. 

I need to catelog something big that happened in June, but I'm still processing it.  It has to do with Tulip's first mom and our social worker has suggested that I write about it so that when and if we have to explain some things to Tulip, I will have all my thoughts in one place.  Just as I wrote about meeting Tulip's first family when we were matched, I want to be able to recall the details as best I can.  I just don't know what to say.  How will I tell my child that we started in an open adoption relationship--but then things happened and now we've lost touch?  That we don't know where to find her?  That the only direct link to Tulip's 3 bio-sibs is out there, but we can't reach her? 

More to come...but I really need to get it out because I know that holding it in is contributing to some of my post-adoption stuff.  Anyone have any advice on how to move through from open to closed in adoption?  What do I do if we never hear from her again? 

Again, looking forward to reading many new and old blogs.  Love you, internets!

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Oh, and the new album by the Killers is FANTASTIC.  I mean, unbelieveably, incredibly FANTASTIC! Check out the tracks here.

Prayers please

The Mom at Seriously....You can't make this stuff up is at the hospital at 32.3 weeks with major bleeding complications.  Looks as if baby is coming way too soon.  Prayers please for both my best friend and her daughter in the coming hours, days and weeks. 

Just another day

We finally had a weekend close to home, doing little things around the new house, playing outside and just being 'here'.  After spending the summer getting ready to sell our house, getting ready to move, moving and trying to get settled (along with a couple weekends away), it has been very busy.  I was just ready to do nothing except watch football, cook a little and relax.  Mostly, mission accomplished!  We were invited by our new neighbors yesterday to watch the game at their house, and it was great to just have an afternoon without the pressure of having to get stuff done.

My mom called me last night and pointed something out--yesterday was Tulip's Adoption Day anniversary.  She wanted to know if we were celebrating or doing something fun to commemorate the day.  I actually laughed to myself because, in light of my last post, I hadn't even thought of it.  It's on my calendar to be sure, but the day and the weekend had just passed by without me even noticing it.  I know that many in the adoption community mark or celebrate the adoption day/gotcha day annually because it is of great significance for their families.  I honor that, and think it is a very worthy day to remember.  But for me it's funny because Tulip's adoption day is six months after we got her.  We were there when she was born; we met her 15 minutes after she came into the world.  We brought her home when she was 3 days old.  It was because of the laws in our state that we could not finalize her adoption until six months later.  So in my reality, her gotcha day/day when she became my daughter is actually 3 days after she was born.  It is so important for her to know about her finalization day and for us to remember that it was the day she became forever ours, but we don't celebrate it because her birthday is the most special day to us.  That is when we began to feel as though maybe our family was going grow--and I vividly remember the 150 mile drive home from the hospital when she was just 3 days old.  That is the day I will never, ever forget. 

I am guessing I will continue to go between the place of constant angst and unknown about our open adoption with Tulip's first family and the place of simple contentment and satisfaction regarding our own little family.  They are intertwined irrevocably.  In my heart, I celebrate my daughters every single day.  But, just the same, happy belated forever day, my sweet Tulip!  I am so proud and lucky to be your momma!

Post-adoption blues...

There is no question in my mind that both BigTex and I had a difficult time in the weeks following Tulip's adoption.  We, of course, were thrilled to finally have grown our family.  But because we wanted and had entered into an open adoption, we felt the full weight of the situation.  We each grieved in our own way, I think, for Tulip's first parents because we knew their decision to place her was entirely circumstantial.  I suppose it always is, right?  Well, having gotten to know her first parents prior the birth, we learned that it simply came down to finances and the lack thereof.  Tulip's first dad was out of work and the two of them could barely stand on their own two feet let alone provide for a new baby.  But it was never a question of whether or not they wanted to parent.  They wanted to--it just was the wrong time.  Fast forward two years.  Tulip's first parents are no longer together (which is a good thing), we've maintained a very open adoption both of them (visits included every few months), and life's changed a lot for both of them.  While I won't go into any details, the challenge for me comes with our contact with Tulip's first dad.  He is a terrific guy--my age, college-educated, working full-time and providing for/contributing to his girlfriend and her kids with whom he is close.  He's even finally shared Tulip's story with his parents and we've had the pleasure of meeting Tulip's biological grandparents.  They are wonderful as well.

For me, if no one else, the visits with him are hard.  I try very much to facilitate a smooth and joyful day for Tulip's sake, but I see his pain.  I see and know how difficult it must be to watch her with us.  He has told me that if he had to do it over again, he wouldn't.  He couldn't.  He loves Tulip beyond any words (which is completely evident in the fact that he did place her when she was born).  It takes me days - weeks - to get past one of these visits.  My heart aches for him, and for my daughter.  I wonder if we are doing the right thing, if she will know and understand one day that we kept in close contact for her. That I carry his sadness too, because I can only imagine how awful it must be to see your own flesh-and-blood call someone else Daddy.  Now that we've met his parents, I cry for them.  I hurt because they don't get to be with Tulip and know her like they do their other grandchild.  They love her and they are completely smitten with her.  As I stand back and watch them interact, I question what my whole place is in this picture.  It is SO SO SO SO very strange and hard and not normal.

But it is my normal.

We will most certainly continue our contact with both our girls' first families for as long as we can.  We will hopefully connect with more of their extended first families (both girls' have bio-siblings) over time.  There have been so many challenges we've had to face in our efforts to grow our family, I don't pretend to think there won't be any as my daughters grow.  I guess I'm just wondering when, or if, the sadness and emotional fatigue I feel will lessen or go away.  It ebbs and flows for sure, but it would be nice if at some point I just felt at peace with it all.

Grad School

For those who may not know, I started graduate school in May and am currently enrolled in a class on computer-mediated communication.  We are studying the role of technology in communication and my first paper/essay was due yesterday.  I wrote on the importance of online communities (of course) and you can read the essay via the tab on the top of my home page.  There will be more to come and I didn't want anyone to think my blog was going all-academic!  At least if I can't find time to write meaningful, emotional posts you'll know how I feel about computer-mediated communication!

Starting Fresh

Busy doesn't begin to describe 2012 for us.  The best day was 1/1 when we met our baby Poppy.  And yet, it has only gotten better since then.  I've changed jobs (again), returning to the world of infertility.  I missed it, but I'm adjusting to the emotions of an infertile-turned-parent-via-adoption.  "Fraud" comes to mind a lot and I'm working on putting those feelings in their proper place.  Needless to say, I'm grateful to be back helping others on the IF rollercoaster, even if just a very little bit.

I've also started grad school (back in May) and that's why there's now a tab on my page for COML 509 Essays.  Believe it or not, the course is all about how computers and technology have impacted our communication; blogging is encouraged!  I haven't shared this link yet with my class, but I will be interested to see if anyone travels back the four years of my IF/adoption journey.  Weird, I think.

We got really lucky and actually sold our house in June (in only 4 days!!!), which meant we had like 2 weeks to find a new house, and another four weeks to box up our lives and move.  We've been in our new house nearly 3 weeks and we love it.  It was the very thing we needed as a family, and we are beyond blessed that all went so smoothly. 

Oh, and somewhere in there, the most important thing is being a mom to my darling Tulip (who is a very dramatic and rambunctious 2.5 year old) and to my sweet baby Poppy (who at just about 8 months is already crawling full speed, oh my).  BigTex and I are keeping it together as best we can--I'm trying very hard to make sure our marriage and our friendship remain high on the priority list these days.  It has been incredibly intense at certain points this year, but I consider myself lucky to have a partner willing to travel these crazy roads with me.  Trust me, it is all very much a team effort around here!

I'm looking forward to writing more--as encouraged by my class--and reconnecting with many of you.  I also hope to meet new IF/adoption friends so I can give support back to the community that held me together many times before.

Hope you have a great week, internets!

We've come a long way, baby...

Easter 2009--2 days post lap, & the end of our TTC journey:

Easter 2010--5 weeks after bringing our baby Tulip home:

Easter 2011--enjoying our darling Tulip even more every single day:

Easter 2012--Our sweet Poppy has completed our family: