Giving Up My Independence

I have never been an overly independent person.

I have always relied heavily on my Mom.  I made my Mom go to Dr appointments with me until I got married at 22.  I still call my Mom when I can't find an item at the grocery store and some days, like today, when I can't quite seem to function, my Mom still makes me dinner.  My Mom and my Step- Dad make their 30 year old child soup, cut up fruit and deliver it to her kitchen.  They really are the best kind of people.

In the nearly nine years since I married Davin I've come to rely on him just as heavily.  I always joke that if he ever leaves me I'll live in a world with wrong clocks.  He does SO much for me.  Not only does he set all the clocks but he does 100% of the yard work, most of the cooking, takes care of the house, grocery shops, does laundry and so, so much more.  I do not take this for granted.  I'm grateful for him.

Another thing I've never been is apologetic.  I tend to live as I see fit.  I dress like I want to, I speak like I feel, I tell people what I think.  I am aware that people find me intimidating or blunt and sometimes even rude (although that's something I try never to be).

Since my early 2015 rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis and my 2017 osteoarthritis diagnosis and since whatever else is going on with my body that can't seem to be figured out has progressed...things have changed.  One of my worst fears has come to life.  Just about 40 years before it was expected.

My paternal Grandmothers Mother lived a long, long life.  I am almost positive she was over 100 when she died, but I was young and I could very well be mistaken.  I remember going to visit her when I was a child and being scared.  Not of her, never of her.  I was terrified of what had happened to her.  She had aged.  She had lost sight, hearing, mobility, memory and more.  I realized at a very young age that I would be the same someday.  It has been a fear of mine ever since.  

Lately I drop things constantly, I have trouble with my handwriting, I can't walk up stairs or get up out of a sitting position or type or drive or clean without pain.  I've finally started to feel the need to show independence, now that I am losing it. I carry things I shouldn't, pick up my kids when I know the pain it causes will last well into the night, carry all the groceries into the house so I don't have to bother my husband (although he is always insistent that he's happy to do all of these things for me).  I'm losing my independence.  It's scary and it's causing me a feeling of great guilt.

That's another thing, the guilt.  It's turned me into the type of person who spends her day apologizing.  I think this, more than anything, is the part of this whole thing that my husband just can't stand.  When I have to ask him to pick up the 4 year old who just scraped her knees, I apologize.  When I have to ask him carry things up the stairs, I apologize.  Have to leave work early because I have to sleep?  Apologize.  Need him to give me meds?  Apologize.  Can't go to a friend/family function because I need to lay still?  Apologize.

He doesn't make feel bad.  He always helps.  He tells me he doesn't care about all of this and he loves me regardless and he's happy...but the guilt is something I just can't shake.  I'm not sure how to cope with it.  Maybe I should find people who have dealt with the same thing.  Maybe this is just part of it.  I don't know.  When it comes to my health that's pretty normal for me...not knowing.

Here's one last apology, before I end this pointless pity party...

I'm sorry if you are offended by this.  I am sorry if you find me whiny.  If you think I should be grateful it's not worse.  If you know people with chronic pain who deal with it and don't let it affect their life and think I should be able to do the same.  If you have it worse.  I'm sorry.

But seriously, I didn't make you read this. ;)

Off Probation and My New Normal

April 2016

It's been a busy month so far!  The girls got lucky and got to go visit their grandpas friends new baby goats while I was at work a couple of weeks ago.  My Mom was sending me these pictures and I was so jealous!  I want to love on some baby goats!

Ava will be six this week.  That's hard for me to believe.  I remember such detailed 

specifics about the day she was born.  

The view of tree branches and blue sky out the hospital window.

The nurse forgetting to connect the pictocin to the line in my arm for hours and hours.

Davin's obvious nerves and excitement.

Holding her on my chest when she was just seconds old.

How has six years passed so quickly?

Ava is friendly to everyone.  She makes friends with kids everywhere we go.

She loves princesses, animals, fruit and food in general.  She's a good eater and often out-eats me at meal time.  She wants snacks all day long and is happy with strawberries or grapes.

She's a great big sister.  She helps Sunny put on her shoes, chooses outfits for her and will get up with Sunny early mornings and turn the TV on for her on days I can't seem to roll out of bed. 

She LOVES her Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins.  Nothing makes her happier

 than a visit from any of the above.

I'm crazy about this kid.

 

Sunny is three and a half and she's a wild one.  

She hates the Dr, having her hair brushed, being left anywhere without me and being told no.

She loves her family, Grandparents, Aunts/Uncles and Cousins.  She loves apple juice more than anyone should and demands it on the regular.  She still doesn't sleep through the night and I'm doubting she ever will.  She can't say her "C"'s or "K"'s and uses "T"s instead.  "I want some Tate (cake)" or "Look at that tute (cute) baby tow (cow)".  I think it's adorable.

She'll have me yelling and red faced one second and compliment my outfit sweetly the next.  She's a doll and we're crazy about her. 

This is my Mom with Sunny.  My Mom deserves a post all her own.  I'd be lost without this woman.

Davin finished his year long probation this month and received his official badge. They held a nice ceremony.  His parents and my parents were able to attend and I got to pin the badge on him.  I'm so proud of all of his hard work and glad we're done with school and probation!

During today's regular rheumatologist visit I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis along with my rheumatoid arthritis.  I wont lie, I cried and I'm frustrated and I hate how these diagnosis are affecting me and my family, but I will learn to deal with them.  I'm still going to let myself mope about it for just a couple of days though.  I do what I want. 

Here's my new normal.  Meds, heat pads and too much sleep.

And to finish, this glorious picture of Sundae, jumping for gorgeous blossoms while we were on a walk a couple of days ago.  I love when the days lengthen and the grass greens and the flowers start to bloom.  I'm always ready for spring!

A Puppy Tale

Let me tell you a tale.


On December 30th, 2015 my husband, our two kids, our schnauzer and myself took an evening ride to the Salt Lake County Animal Shelter.  There, we met up with my sisters friend Natalie, who was fostering a dog who had been found with her puppies under a shed just a short time before.

This sweet little brussles griffon was in need of a home.  Her puppies had found homes of their own and she was microchipped, spayed (the day before) and ready to go.  We fell in love.  My husband fell in deep.  Splinter the schnauzer seemed not to mind her, so we decided to add another fur baby to the family and we took her home.

Our littlest human, Sundae, in true three year old fashion, screamed the whole way home.  Poor little brussles griffon was terrified of shrieking toddler, which I understand completely.  Shrieking toddler is truly terrifying, believe me.

When they arrived home my husband went about the business of getting everyone out of the car and in that craziness the new dog ran off. Davin was panicked.  I got the girls fed and settled down and finally in bed while Davin searched on foot, in 8 degree weather, wearing a coat and a headlamp for 4 and a half hours.  He finally came in after midnight with empty hands.

Obviously we were very upset.  New dog had just had surgery, it was freezing outside, she didn't know the area or where we lived and she didn't even have a name.  We registered her on missing pet websites, called all the shelters, checked with dispatch, plastered her picture on every Facebook page we could think of.

For nearly three weeks we heard nothing.  We thought she was gone for good.  We had mourned her, but we hadn't quite given up.

On January 16th I was checking my email and one of the websites she was registered on emailed me to let me know she was still listed as a lost pet on the site and reminded me to keep checking the found animals section.  There, at the bottom of the email was a few of the found animals listed on the website and there was a picture of our little dog.  She'd been found!

Last night I brought her home, Davin named her Rogue and I cleaned her until she was soft and happy.

I slept sandwiched between two dogs all night long.  I have the feeling this will be the new normal.

Sunny is crazy about "Road" and wants her to sit on her lap.  So far, Rogue is a great sport.

She's home, she seems to be adjusting and we're happy she's alive!
Two adults, two children and two dogs.  I think we're complete.

Rheumatoid Arthritis

I was diagnosed with RA a few months ago.

Here are the reasons I hate it:

1.  "Oh, that's not so bad."
          This, or some form of this statement, is what I hear from most everyone I tell.  I understand that is not life threatening, I understand it could be so much worse, I understand that you look at me and don't see any illness, but don't tell me that being diagnosed with my second non-curable disease is "not so bad".  I'm hurting, I'm frustrated, I'm limited in my activities and I'm sick to death of doctors offices and blood draws and medication changes and being to tired to function.  Yes it could be worse, but to me it's plenty bad.

2.  It's forgettable.
          Because people can't see it when they look at me, it's easy for them to forget.  I am not lazy because I can't go on bike rides with my kids.  I'm not complaining about the crowds or the cost when I can't take my kids to Disneyland.  I'm not taking my state or the weather for granted because I can't hike.  My joints are stiff and swollen, five minutes of teaching my daughter to ride a two wheeler bit me in the butt for two days and my medications make me nauseated.

Other than that, and the fact that I feel like I got hit by a bus, I'm doing fine.  I also know that once we get my meds figured out I'll be doing even better.  But, right now, I'm frustrated.  And so, so tired.

Checking In On Myself

Just over a year ago I wrote 

this post.

It's all about goals I wanted to accomplish before I hit 30 years old.

I'm still a year and a half from thirty (thank heavens), but I thought I'd check in on

myself and see how those goals are coming.

1. Own a home.

Done, and done.  It's not our dream home, 

but it's ours.  I love it.

 2. Lose weight and keep it off.

This is something I'm still working on.  

Or, I should say, working on again.

3. Learn to cook a better variety of foods.

Nope.
4. Celebrate Davin getting a full time fire job.

This year?!  I really hope so!
5. Take my girls to Disneyland.

In eight months!
6. Have a comfortable savings account.

Hahahahah!

Always a work in progress.

7. Learn something new (guitar? Ballroom?)

I am learning archery!

In fact, I'm working on becoming a nationally certified 

archery coach!

8. Travel with my Mom.

Moooooommm!
9. Pierce my nose (again).

Wont happen. 

I'm ok with it. :)

10. Be myself, and still be loved.

A work in progress,

I feel it's going well.

11. Tell Davin I love him more often.

I am working on this, and doing

 better every day.

12. Find my style.

Maybe if I had any money at all.
13. Make a Mala necklace.

Still a goal.
14. Read more classics.

Need to do better.
15. Pay off the cars.

Not yet, but we're getting closer!

Well, I don't feel to bad about the way that list is coming along.

Good job Alli, good job.

Caramelized Bananas and Bad Jokes.

I made caramelized bananas for the first time tonight.  I saw the recipe and it looked amazing, so I decided I'd try it.  It was super easy and really, really good!  This might be a new favorite of mine.  I figured I would document the whole process, in case it was a success.  If you follow my blog you know that I am no photographer.  Despite having a phone with a fantastic camera, I still can't take a decent picture to save my life.  My apologies.  

Here's what you'll need:

Two sliced bananas, 2 tablespoons butter, 2 tablespoons brown sugar.  I used almond ice cream, because that's what's in my freezer.  Also, I like it.

Throw the butter in your pan and melt it down.

This is melted butter.  You're welcome.

On an unrelated note, there should really be a font for sarcasm.

Throw the bananas and the brown sugar in the pan with the butter and start mixing.

This was pretty quick, only took about 5 minutes to get to a nice, syrup consistency.  

Finished product!  I sprinkled some cinnamon on top, just for kicks.  It worked out well.  No regrets! 

Spooned over almond ice cream and thoroughly enjoyed.

I apologize for this post.  Not enough to not post it though.  I'm so tired.

I said the words "brown sugar" so often in this post that I feel the need to share what pops into my head every single time I type the words "brown sugar".  So, here you go.  Again, I'm sorry.

St George

This last weekend Davin got to go to St George for winter fire school.

Here in my part of Utah it's freezing.  There is snow and smog and I haven't felt the sun in much too long.  I decided St George sounded like just the thing I needed.  I packed up, sent the kids to Grandma and Grandpas to be spoiled rotten for a couple nights and headed to St George to meet Davin.

This is the view from our first hotel room, the one the fire department put us up in.  It was not the very nicest of rooms, but I was in St George and it was 50 degrees at 10 pm so I wasn't about to complain.  I love, love, love the red rock in southern Utah and the palm trees are a big plus.

We went to a steakhouse called Anasazi Grill.  You order your meal (steak, chicken, etc) and they bring it out raw.  The give you a hot stone and you grill the steak yourself.  It was really, really good.  Each bite is cooked just like you like it and it all tastes right off the grill.  Because it is!  I'd go back.  It was fun to go out with some of the people Davin works with because I haven't met a lot of them and a few other wives were there too so I didn't feel totally out of place.

This is my super excited face.  On Saturday morning I woke up and had a whole day all to myself while Davin was in class.  I went shopping without kids and bought jeans and a purse which are two of the things I have the hardest time shopping for.  That put me in a great mood.  Then it was off to lunch with my Uncle and Aunt who I almost never see and have never spent time alone with.

My Uncle and Aunt live in a really cool neighborhood outside of St George.  They designed their home and I LOVED the tour they gave me.  I love seeing inside homes and it was even better hearing about all the little design details that went into it.  We also went to lunch at a really good restaurant and I loved just getting to sit and visit with them. 

 This is one of the MANY amazing views from their neighborhood.  I am no photographer, but I had to keep reminding myself I was driving because the view was breathtaking!

After lunch I checked into the next hotel.  This picture was taken at the Inn On The Cliff in St George.  If you ever need a place to stay in St George, I suggest this place.  It was beautiful, the staff was a amazing, the breakfast - which they bring right to your room  - was delicious, the TV's are smart TV's so you can connect to your own Netflix account (we didn't do this, we were too busy sitting on the private balcony enjoying the view) and...everything.  I loved it.

That night Davin joined me and we met back up with my Uncle and Aunt and my cousin and her kids and had dinner, which was a blast.

The next morning we woke up late and drove home.  We stopped for lunch in Fillmore and when we were walking to our table I heard a little  boy saying "Look Mom! A real firefighter, can I go say hi to him?"  Davin stopped and talked to him for a few minutes and the little boy was SO excited.  It was really fun to watch.

  Other than Davin hurting his shoulder and getting covered in bruises, it was a PERFECT weekend.  I am SO grateful for my parents who kept my kids and my Aunt and Uncle for letting me interrupt their day and my cousin for meeting us for dinner.

A great was to start 2015!