Blue Eyes

Lauren is both hilarious and hard right now.  She is starting to say more hard consonants and syllables.  Last week, she was eating dinner in her high chair, which was close to the kitchen table.  She kept reaching over to pull the table cloth off, and I kept swatting her hand away and with my best authoritative, Super Nanny voice said, "No."  She slapped my hand, looked at me, and repeated, "No!" in an even more authoritative voice.  She has been a spicy meatball since day one, and I worry about her teenage years a lot.  She's 10 months going on 13 years sometimes.

The other day, she had her friend, Dillon, over while his mom went to the temple.  They were so funny.  They watched Baby Signing Time with their faces plastered to the t.v. (sorry about that, Laura!), and then played with toys.  Well, Lauren spent most of her time ripping toys out of his hands.  He was very patient and said nothing.  It will be interesting to see if she is as dominant on Dillon's turf.

Love those cheeks and eyes.

T.V. watchers

This is where I get all introspective.

Although it may not look like it if you peruse this year's blog posts, I think I am pretty relaxed about how things are going 80% of the time.  I have a great husband who works hard at his job and role as EQP at church (even though neither is his dream job), a place to live, plenty to eat, a cute baby, books to read, clothes to wear, etc. It just seems that when I am not relaxed, I am freaking out.  There is no middle of the road.  Don't worry, I don't think it's a mental health issue.  Some days I think, "my callings are stressing me out. We don't have a vegetable to eat with our meal.  My kid is only 9 months old and watches too much television.  I don't have time to shower today...." and the list could go on forever.  This usually happens the day after I say to myself, "you are kick- a at the this stay-at-home-mom stuff."

Am I the only one who is a swinging pendulum of mom pride and guilt?

Another thing weighing on my mind since turning 30 is figuring out who I am besides Lauren's mother and Ryan's wife (those are great things too).  It's almost too cliché to say it, but I find myself trying to do what everyone else is doing or liking what everyone else likes.  For example, it seems like everyone is wearing, using, and putting chevron patterns everywhere.  For a while, I thought I had to like chevron too.  Stupid, huh?  I don't like chevron.  I said it before, and I'll say it again.  Turning 30 was liberating for some reason.  I really feel a drive to figure out what I like and what makes me different than the other thirty- somethings I associate with, especially at church.  I want to discover what I have going for me.

Oh, church.  It's so easy to feel like you have to do the same things as the other women at church, but that's another post.

So I am working on this.  I would really love to find a hobby I am passionate about, but it's hard.  I would like to be an interesting person, and I suspect that requires some zest about something and knowing what I like.  This is going to take a while, but realizing I don't like chevron is a big step, right?

Things I don't like that seem to put me on the outs
chevron
crafts
sushi
weird cheese
modern art
high heels with jeans
shirts with big, huge, flowy arm holes that make you look like a sack
weird hipster glasses with the black frames
Glee
stilettos
adult booties (for your feet)
too many knick knacks that don't match
cloth diapers
wearing too much jewelry

Things I would high-five
Downton Abbey
Jane Austen
BBC/Masterpiece Classic
Law & Order, SVU
The Count of Monte Cristo
most Broadway musicals
cleaning my house once a week
button up shirts
flat shoes

That's all for now.

Want some books for your child?

So I got this letter in the mail from a good friend about a book exchange for children.  Basically, you buy one book for someone else's kid, send the letter to 6 of your friends, they forward it on, and so on and so on.  If everyone does it, you are supposed to end up with 36 books after buying just one.  You supply your child's name and age and books are supposed to arrive for them.  Cute idea, but I hate sending these types of things out without knowing how people are going to feel about it.  So how about this, if you are interested in being one of my 6 people, just email me at [email protected] asap.

I would like to bear my testimony of THE bundt cake.

Once upon a time, I lived with two fab girls, Marie and Marti.  One Sunday, Marti was making a cake for one of her very fashionable and cool friends who probably worked at Nordstrom with her (Marti worked in the fragrances and always had beautiful perfumes.  We loved it when she brought home samples). There were some leftovers, or some type of remnants from the cake.  I am pretty sure Marie and I pounced on those, I can't really remember, but it was the most delicious cake I had ever eaten.  Thankfully, Marti was very generous in giving me the recipe.  This is the cake I had for my 30th birthday.  I have made it more times than I can remember, and every time I do somebody asks for the recipe.  It is in my blue binder of favorite recipes under "Marti's Bundt Cake."  Among roommates post- Marie and Marti, it is known as THE bundt cake (it is especially awesome if you say it with a Greek accent, like the mom in My Big Fat Greek Wedding).

Marti's Bundt Cake

1 box yellow cake mix

1 small pkg. chocolate pudding mix

1/2 c. sugar

3/4c. water

3/4c. oil

4 eggs

8 oz. sour cream

1 t. vanilla

bag of chocolate chips (Marti uses milk chocolate Ghiradelli, and so do I)

Mix all ingredients in mixing bowl.*  Bake in a WELL GREASED AND FLOURED bundt pan at 350 degrees for 1 hour.  Let cool completely before removing from pan.  Marti says "cross your fingers and hope it comes out in one piece."

 

*I hate when the chocolate chips sink to the bottom.  They stick to the pan and make it harder to get the cake out in one piece.  After watching many hours of foodnetwork, I realized it helps to coat the chocolate chips in flour first, which keeps them more suspended in the cake batter.  Just do this by pouring the chips in a bowl and mixing them with a spoonful or so of flour.

Raspberry Topping

1 bag of frozen raspberries, thawed

1/4 c. sugar

1/4 c. water

Smash together until sauce forms.

Being 30

Hey, guess what.  I am 30 years and two days old now.  It was pretty fun to turn 30. Some friends and acquaintances asked what I was going to do for the big day, but I knew there wouldn't be some big shindig or anything because RSH doesn't roll like that.  I love him, but he DOES NOT do surprises, or any party planning.  And I don't want to throw him under the bus, because he pretty much lets me do whatever I want on my birthday, as long as he doesn't have to try to guess what that is.

So I rang in my 31st year of life with a trip to the outlets to purchase clothes...for my child.  Ha.  That's motherhood.  Don't worry, I bought two shirts, too.  Ryan picked up Cafe Rio for dinner, we ate chocolate cake (some former roommates will remember the infamous chocolate bundt cake), and had friends over to watch BYU and U of U embarrass each other.  It was low key, but I am so grateful that I could spend it with my two favorite people.

I guess entering a new decade of life makes me all pensive and stuff.  My twenties were pretty darn awesome.  I LOVED college (I would relive it all over again, even with the hard stuff), I started a career that I enjoyed for five years, met and married my sweetheart, and had my first baby.  It seems like I completed a lot of milestones-- milestones that seem to be some of, if not THE, most important ones of my life.  I guess this could make me pessimistic about entering the 30s by thinking how I won't top those things, but we really don't know what life holds and when.

When I was 20, if I thought about my 30s, I just assumed I would be living the peaceful, blissful, suburban life.  I was pretty sure I would marry earlier than I actually did, have more children that I actually do, and for sure be making more money than I may ever have.  None of those things have turned out the way I imagined ten years ago, but you know what?  I am so much more at peace with myself, my looks, what I have and what I don't have, and I have a better idea of what I really like and want I really want to do.  As a disclaimer, I don't claim to have achieved nirvana, or anything, but there are so many things I wish I could tell my twenty-year-old self.  I am sure my forty-year-old-self will want to tell me something today, too.

To summarize, I am sure my 30s will be surprising pleasant and full of new adventures and experiences.

I did make a list of some things I know I can do, as well as some things I hope to do in this decade:

To do for sure:
1. Take better care of my skin and start an anti-aging regiment.
2. Find a physical activity I really enjoy (not just to work out, and not going to the gym).
3. Learn to say "No, I won't/can't do that," if it puts my happiness at stake (not in a selfish, enjoyment way.  I just don't want to say yes to things that don't need to be done, at least by me).
4. Hold people accountable, including myself, but also give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. Speak up for myself and my family.
6. 100% visiting teaching.
7. Call my friends more.
8.  Offer to help more.
9.  Make a good friend here that I can count as one of my bests-- not just acquaintances that I hope will call me and invite me to get out of the house.
10.  Proofread blog posts before posting them.  You are welcome.

Things I would like to do:
1. Have more children.  Like two more.
2. Purchase a home and put down roots.  Preferably, here in Colorado.
3. Take a decent vacation with Ryan, alone.

That's it!  I don't have any (cute) pictures from Saturday, but here are some funny ones of Boo from two weeks ago:

The Beverly Hills 90210 Ward

You may have seen CJane's (Courtney Kendrick) column in the Deseret News about what an LDS ward (congregation) run by the GOP candidates would look like.  It also circulated the internet in a couple places.  Well, not to be all hipster-ish, but Ryan and I always play that game with our favorite TV shows or movies.  Our favorite ward that we've created is Beverly Hills, 90210 by far.  This is how we imagine it:

http://brandonishot.wordpress.com/

Brandon Walsh is the Bishop of the Beverly Hills 90210 Ward.  With almost impeccable ethics (except for that time he cheated on Kelly) and compassion, who better in Beverly Hills than Brandon to lead this rich- people- problem riddled ward.

http://90210.wikia.com/wiki/Noah_Hunter

Noah Hunter leads the Addiction Recovery Program's classes.  Funny enough, many of the ward's leadership have attended these classes at one time or another.

http://www.freewebs.com/theoldandthenew90210/photos/null/123806.1[1].jpg

Matt Durning is the Elder's Quorum President.  Because he just looks the part.  Except for the open shirt picture.

http://blogs.babble.com/famecrawler/2010/09/02/happy-90210-day-catch-up-with-the-original-cast-where-are-they-now/

Dylan McKay is the Young Men's President.  Once a troubled young man who felt unloved by his father, he now focuses his feelings about his past towards helping the boys in the ward.  They love to go for a ride in Bro. McKay's Porsche, and when they turn 16, he even lets them drive it around the parking lot.  While he is careful to not reveal too many details, his experience with addiction and the untimely death of his wife allow him to be very compassionate with the young men.  Oh, and his taste for classic RayBans is cool again.

http://90210.wikia.com/wiki/Clare_Arnold

Clare Arnold is the Ward Librarian.  Watch out for those snide remarks when you can't work the copy machine 5 minutes before your lesson starts.  She will grudgingly help you as she gives you the "you are such an idiot" look.

Valerie Malone is a Family History Consultant.  All her scheming and blackmailing skills have been put to good use as she strives to track down records to help you complete your four generation pedigree chart.  Just don't ask her how she found that marriage certificate.

http://www.pajiba.com/seriously_random_lists/the-11-oldest-actors-to-play-teenagers-.php

Andrea Zuckerman- Vasquez is the Primary President.  These kids are very important to her, and Andrea runs a tight ship.  Flaky teachers, beware.  Andrea will not put up with your inadequacies.  She provides the best instruction for the little ones of the ward, and can even use sign language with the deaf children.

http://90210.wikia.com/wiki/Carly_Reynolds

Carly Reynolds is the First Counselor in Primary.  As a single mom, Carly knows how to make juggle many responsibilities and is Andrea's right- hand woman.  You might think it awkward that she is now in the same ward as Steve and Janet, but she left Steve on good terms.  She is super mom and does a good job in primary.

http://90210.wikia.com/wiki/Janet_Sosna

Janet Sosna- Sanders is a gospel doctrine teacher.  Duh, she is the smartest on the show (well, besides Andrea).  Even Isaiah doesn't scare her.

http://goteambrenda.com/2010/10/steve-sanders-is-having-a-real-life-madeline.html

Steve Sanders is the Ward Mission Leader.  As the former Scout Master, Steve was a hit with all the inactive Young Men.  Bishop Walsh decided to see if this charismatic success would translate to all inactive ward members.  Steve's approach is to plan killer ward parties, just as he did in college, but with kegs of rootbeer instead.  All the ward members love these parties, and it is a great missionary tool.  Steve is easily able to weasel his way into even the staunchest Do Not Contact's house.

http://coolspotters.com/characters/david-silver

David Silver is the Ward Music Chair.  You're not surprised, are you? He's moved on to bigger and better things since that "You're so precious to me" debacle.  David takes his calling so seriously, that he insists on leading the ward choir while playing the organ and singing.  He puts on a great Christmas program and sometimes even incorporate Hanukkah tunes .  Come to the BV Hills 90210 Ward the Sunday before Christmas and you'll see what we mean.

http://www.mamapop.com/2008/05/tori-spelling-might-join-new-90210-cast.html

Donna Martin- Silver is the Young Woman's president.  Dear, sweet, virginal (at least until college graduation) Donna.  Since Donna's baptism, she has been an inspiration to the Young Women in the ward.  She keeps things light and fun, but can always lend a shoulder to cry on.  She loves discussing fashion with the girls, and often takes the Laurels shopping for prom dresses that are both modest and practical for the limos and dancing.

http://blogs.babble.com/famecrawler/2010/09/02/happy-90210-day-catch-up-with-the-original-cast-where-are-they-now/

Kelly Taylor is the First Counselor in Young Women. Once the "easy one" of West Beverly High, Kelly now shares her wisdom about the merits of chastity and virtue.  With her psychology background, she is particularly sensitive to the girls who have emotional and mental illness.  On the girls' birthdays, she treats them to a shopping trip on Rodeo Drive.  Sometimes she gets into it with Gina and Brenda.

http://www.film.com/movies/tv-addict-top-ten-brenda-walsh-moments-on-beverly-hills-90210

Brenda is the Second Counselor in Young Women.  The girls find Brenda's acting life fascinating as she recounts stories of working and living in London.  Sometimes, things get tense with Kelly behind the scenes, but they usually talk things over at the Peach Pit and then they are thick as thieves as they come up with ideas for Mutual activities.

Gina Kincaid is the Secretary in Young Women's.  Her cousin/sister, Donna, threw her a bone and included her in her presidency.  Gina and Kelly often make presidency meetings uncomfortable through their constant bickering about Dylan, and sometimes Brenda gets in on the action, too.  But then Donna reminds them to put all their differences aside in the best interest of the girls. Then rainbows and butterflies come out of everyone's mouths.

http://90210.wikia.com/wiki/Carol_Potter

Cindy Walsh is the Relief Society President.  She lovingly leads the sisters in their quest to improve the world, dispensing advice giving their encouragement.  Have a problem?  Call Cindy.  She will listen and then come over and give you a hug.

http://www.helicon7.com/90210/page2.html

Jackie Taylor- Silver is the First Counselor of the Relief Society.  With divorces, a former drug addiction, and experience as a single mom, Jackie can relate to many of the sisters' trials.  She gives the presidency the knowledge of many worldly problems that Felice and Cindy do not have.  But watch out, she is a fireball if you cross her.  DO NOT agree to an assignment she gives you and then not follow through.  Just ask Mel.

http://www.soapsworld.de/beverly-hills-90210/rollenprofile/felice-martin

Felice Martin is the Second Counselor in Relief Society, which means she is over the extra Relief Society meetings and activities in which the women of the ward hone their domestic skills.  Being a true conservative woman, you would think she would relish this role, but she seethes at the idea that Jackie Taylor Silver is FIRST Counselor.  Come on, that woman used to be a drug addict.  Actually, Felice believes she should be the Relief Society President, and the only reason she is not is because Cindy's son is the bishop.

http://90210.wikia.com/wiki/Emily_Valentine

Emily Valentine is the Relief Society Secretary.  If you know about Sis. Valentine's crazy past you might think this is an odd fit, but Bishop Walsh has trusted his mom, Cindy, to keep her close and help her through any episodes.

http://www.tvguide.com/PhotoGallery/Beverly-Hills-90210-1023554/1023574

Jim Walsh, everyone's favorite patriarch of the show, is the High Priest Group leader. This basically means he is in charge of all the old men in the ward who have had callings such as Brandon's.  He can be seen hanging out with his First Assistant, Mel Silver (but only when Mel isn't womanizing).  There are whisperings that he may be the next Stake President, but it will have to wait until Brandon is released from being the Bishop.  The stake does not want to be accused of nepotism.

http://greenobles.com/joe-e.-tata.html

High Counselor Nat Bussichio is assigned over the BV 90210 Ward, and hands out his sage wisdom and experience to the leadership just as he did when they were in high school.

So there you have it.  Anyone you would add?  I didn't consider who is married to who if they didn't get married on the show, and I did not take into account the current 90210 spinoff because I don't like it.

I forgot to add these to my ridiculously long previous post.

Here's some personal stuff and I'll give you a few pictures too. Happy Mother's Day.

I am not going to apologize for not posting since Jan. 24 because, let's be honest, no one is sitting at their computer with baited breath hitting refresh every 5 seconds to see what's new with me.  And that is just fine.

So it's Mother's Day, and I realize my post from Jan. 24 doesn't elicit many warm fuzzies that are due this day.  Lest you (whether "you" means friends, family, my future self, etc.) think I am still in some abyss that is early motherhood, let me calm your troubled heart.  I am doing very well, thank you very much, just busy with being first counselor in Young Women's at church (still), learning ASL (still), keeping a somewhat clean home (still), laundry (ugh), and mothering a child by myself during the day (did you know Ryan got a job?!).  While I never feel like I do any of these things up to par, I am told that is quite normal and to get over it.  I am happy.  This week, anyway. :)

I had an epiphany the other day.  I don't know if it applies to everyone or just a few, but here is my Mother's Day thought for you:

I wanted a baby for a few years before I got one.  We started to wonder if infertility was something that we would struggle with, but just as we started to get medical help I became pregnant on my own (with some help from Ryan) and I was relieved; although, I later found out it is a bit harder for me to get pregnant, but by no means impossible.  The timing was peculiar.  Ryan was weeks away from graduating from law school and making plans to take the bar in Colorado, which meant an out of state move.  A job would mean some financial stability and I could quit teaching as soon as the news of a baby arrived.  Well, the latter happened, but no job.  (As a side note, I hope people will stop assuming we are rich.  Lawyers aren't making nearly what they used to.  It's 2012, not 1998.  We are 160K in the hole and Ryan has been working an hourly job, and still there are people worse off who are "lawyers.)

We were able to stay a float thanks to a bit a savings and a lot of parental help and were able to have keep insurance through COBRA.  What a blessing.  I had to have a C-section and Lauren had a few minor health issues, so I am so glad we had that, but my thoughts on healthcare are for another day.  The point is, I was so happy to have a healthy, beautiful daughter, but now I felt like I had no business being a mother when we couldn't afford to support ourselves.

The last couple of months have been hard in a lot of ways.  I cried A LOT.  Ryan is and was wonderful.  He tries so hard, and I was never dissatisfied with his efforts, but I felt like we had a run of bad luck after Lauren was born.  And it sucked.  I was angry all the time, sometimes I still am.  When someone would post about something that ruined their day or week, it would make me mad because at least their husband had a job and they weren't hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for what seemed like nothing.  I know, I am such a hypocrite, because there are still people who had it worse while I felt like God, the universe, fate, whatever hated me the most.  It's NOT true and I have seen the light.

So here's my a-ha moment.  Last week, I was thinking about why the Lord blessed us with a baby at a time when we could least afford it or manage it.  Why not when I was teaching and had insurance and benefits, and at least some income?  I had a strong impression that these trials over the last couple of months were so necessary for us.  We, and particularly I, need to learn some hard things, but our baby's timing coincided with theses things to give us a bit of joy.  I love her so much.  She is a strong- willed child and already opinionated at five months, but I would trade the those months with her for anything.

This new perspective has changed my mothering this week.  I'm a little more patient, sweeter, and willing to get on the floor and play longer.  I'm not so frustrated by breastfeeding.  It's still hard for us, but I try to enjoy moments of it when she is calm and not flailing.  I'm not so hasty to try to meet every single demand on me, which allows me to advocate for my daughter.  I said "no" last night for the first time in months so I could feed and put her to bed at a decent hour.

Things are definitely looking up.  Ryan and I had a serious discussion about two weeks ago.  Deep spiritual stuff.  We came out it committed to continue to do good things and hope for the best, even if things didn't get better for a long time.  I was willing to wait, but this week some good things happened, and I hope that I a starting to learn what I am supposed to learn.  Whatever happens this week, I still have my baby, and she lightens the mood around here.

I had more I was going to say, but that's enough for today.  Maybe it will help someone else?  I don't know, but here are some pictures over the last couple of months:

Happy Birthday, Lauren!

Christmas Morning 2011 and first time at church

January 2012...Bow that's bigger than her head!

February 13, 2012

March "12

Easter Sunday 2012

Cousin Katelyn, April 30, 2012