…sometimes almost magic…

Ugh.  I wrote an email to N when I was extremely tired and even though I know better, I sent it before bed last night.  Ugh.  It makes me sound like a hyperactive puppy dog, slavering over a chance to see him again.  Ugh.  I’m so tempted to send another one explaining myself, but of course that would just make it worse.

I keep trying to write about the weekend, but the right words just aren’t coming.

I want to write about the sex, of course.  About the satisfaction and delight of sucking his dick, about Monday morning doggy style sex that ended with him shouting and giggling like a giddy three year old.  About debauched kissing in public, on street corners and in museums and the way he fucked my mouth with his tongue and how I gave him a knee-weakening hickey on the train platform that made him glow like a lightbulb.

And I want to write about touching, about physical affection, about how much occassional tender caresses and constant hand-holding steal my heart and make me want to weep with frustration that he lives so far away.

But I also want to write about the distance that I feel this year, a distance that wasn’t there in New York.  And how I can’t tell which one of us, or if it’s both, that is holding back.  And how the sex was fantastic but he didn’t spend time on me like before, how the sex was over for him when he came and how much of a contrast that is from the way it was last year.  How he fell asleep one night while his fingers were between my legs, and he seemed far more eager to explore the city than he did to explore each other’s bodies.  How that makes me feel taken for granted.  And how I want to say something to him about it, but are there words that will say it the right way?

We talked on the phone for five hours last night.  It felt much briefer than that.  I stood on my own doorstep for several minutes at the end of the conversation, because he never seems to want to say goodbye.

I like him a lot, in spite of the lack of sexual attention (which I expect will be resolved the next time we’re together, as I will definitely either mention it to him or just be more assertive in the future) – I like that he’s so openly and comfortably queer, I like that he’s confident but almost painfully geeky.   I like that he’s got a little protected core of vulnerability, I like that his spiritual views are close to mine. I like that he’s sex-positive and a nudist.  I like that he’s switchy but terribly interested in bottoming, and how he’s got big hangups about some of the very things he’s drawn to and how it just cries out to me to be the one to take him where he’s afraid to go.  I like that he’s as intelligent as I am and probably more so.  I like his baby-soft, tanned skin and strong thighs, slender wrists and big hands, his perfect uncut cock and the rugged-looking stubble on his cheeks that contrasts so delightfully with his oh-so-gay mannerisms.  I like that he’s outdoorsy and competent and adventurous.  I even like the lines on his face and his guarded eyes.

I don’t like that it’s probably painfully obvious to the entire world exactly how much I like him.  He took a couple of arm-length photos before he got on the train to go home, and even though I felt like I was barely smiling for them, I look goofy as hell.

N will be waiting for me at the train station tomorrow morning.

I’ve been looking forward to it very much, and have been fantasizing all week, but right now it doesn’t seem.. real.  Like maybe it’s only a fantasy.  I’m a little afraid that it won’t be as good as last year – though even if it isn’t, it’s still going to be a great weekend.  And I’m really glad that I’ll be away from home, if only because Kitn’s hormone prescription ran out and she can’t get more until Tuesday.  Definitely glad I won’t have to be around for most of the inevitable mood swings.

Meh, there’s too much to do to be writing here right now, I can barely concentrate on typing.

My hedonistic mini-vacation has begun!  Even if I’m doing chores, at least it’s a remarkably beautiful day and I don’t have to be at work!

Had an incredibly shitty end-of-day at work.  Stayed an hour late to start fixing something that got fucked up.  Frustration.  And it irks me that I taught myself how to do something for those assholes, and did it well, but there wasn’t a single positive word spoken about it.  And I’ll probably have to go into work on Friday, when I’m supposed to have the day off.  And they’re still not paying me the amount that was promised at my review.  Fuckers.

Maybe I will take that job offer, even if they don’t want to pay me enough.  And have me drive long distances…  meh.

I feel stuck in the decisions I have to make.  Obviously there’s the job offer, but I’m also unsure what to do about Kitten now.  Almost as soon as I made the decision to break up with her, she started being so damn sweet.  And it’s going to be a really unpleasant thing to go through, which is part of why I’m hesitating.  There is a potential roommate to take her place though, but I think he needs a place really soon.  I dont’ know how long it would take Kitten to find a new place to live.  I dont’ think she’s going to leave gracefully and/or quickly.  She’s definitely going to cry.  Last night she was being all sweet, snuggling up to me in the most adorable way and telling me how much she loves me. 

*sigh*

This isn’t the right frame of mind to think about these things and make decisions.  Shower, focus on to-do list, relax.  Make life-changing decisions when I’m over the desire to curl up with a teddy bear and cry.

The new job that I thought was a definite is now up in the air.  They’re offering me $1.50/hr less than I asked for, and they want me to possibly commute 30 miles or more, as opposed to the 14 miles I do to my current job.

So I just don’t know.  On the one hand, I am so unbelievably ready to get out of the job that’s currently screwing me.  However, I don’t want to let that rush me into letting myself get screwed by someone else. 

I don’t know what to do.  I guess I don’t really have anything to lose by being a hard-ass and telling them that’s not enough money, esp. if they want me to drive all over the state to get to work.  But.. is  this a negotiation, or a decree?  If they say it’s this offer or nothing, what do I choose?  Is a new opportunity worth making less money and spending more on gas?