So. I’m a fucking moron, and a jackass.
Last night I found out, from the last person I would have wanted to hear it from, that one of my very-much used email addresses has been linked to this blog since its inception (which I did myself a while ago, when that email was as anonymous as I’ve been hoping this space was…). And at least one person, who I believe has met myself and one of the people I write about most, has come here after doing a search and finding that particular link. And boy haven’t I been loose with the identifying details, and stupid about, well, everything here. ‘Cause now word of my blog has travelled through the grapevine of RL acquaintances, or something. And I just can’t stop cringing.
What the fuck have I been thinking?! …Not thinking, I guess. Lying to myself, which is one of the things I usually pride myself on not doing. Imagining that my little piece of the blogosphere was smaller and more private than anything really can be on the internet.
And now.. I’ve violated the privacy of someone who greatly values it, written horrendously intimate things, bitched and moaned and flailed around like a fool, waving other people’s personal shit around, in front of an audience I should have known could be there. I was stupid and careless and have lost the trust and respect of probably more than one person. And I’ve damaged a relationship, unintentionally but far from blamelessly shattering the thing that’s hardest to rebuild.
So, where to go from here? I’ve changed some things and made probably half of the blog posts private. There’s still a lot of stuff I might make private later, but all the people that are now mentioned publicly in detail have consented to it, and hell, half the world knows I’m a damn fool already. I thought about closing down and moving my shit offline, but.. SAM will remain for now, at least.
It’s not just the blog, I’ve been neglecting a lot of things in my life lately. Housework, friends, crafts, art…
Depressed today. I still haven’t applied for any jobs, even though I loathe mine so much that it hurts. Anxious. Anxious all the goddamned time lately. I really do practically have a fucking panic attack when I try to work on my resume or write a cover letter to actually apply for a job. Which is what I’m procrastinating right at this moment.
I called in sick yesterday because I just couldn’t face the thought of going to work. Every day I think about just not going anymore. But I’m already so broke I can barely pay my bills, even with the money MJ loaned me. And so I spend the whole day feeling shitty and angry and hating myself for not having got a new job years ago, and continuing to not find one.
MJ is going to try to make a living as a furry/anime artist, going to conventions and selling prints and commissions. She’s going to her first con next week, and has been spending her days drawing. I have wholeheartedly encouraged her, practically convinced her to do it. I’m becoming intensely jealous though. Jealous of her talent, which I do not have and covet desperately. Jealous that she’s doing what she loves and following a dream and all that crap. Jealous that she doesn’t have to get up and go to a shitty job every day.
Which is stupid because she may not make any money at all. She might end up failing miserably, spending all her savings and ending up broke and brokenhearted. So I’ll wait to be jealous til she does get rich off her art. Heh.
Also, haven’t talked to Xel in over two weeks now. The only contact I’ve had from him in that time is a response to a text I sent, saying he’d had a “tumultuous” week and he’d call over the weekend. Which he did not. I’m starting to feel very hurt and pissed off about it, and hearing echoes of last year. ‘Cause, what the fuck? Boy says he sees what we have as a longterm relationship, says he wants his partners to be friends as well as lovers, and all that bullshit. I get that he’s probably got unpleasant shit going on or whatever, but fuck, it should be a relief and a pleasure to talk to your partner, not a chore. The lack of communication is getting to the point where it’s just fucking rude and disrespectful. A relationship shouldn’t be just at one partner’s convenience. Like I only matter to him when absoultely nothing else in his life is distracting him, or when he wants a blow job. I don’t know. I’m probably overreacting.
I feel like hiding under the bed until things are better – when I have a shiny awesome new job and I can draw and Xel actually wants the things he professes and stops dicking me around.
Oh my goddess I don’t want to write this cover letter…….
...sometimes almost magic... 
