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October 7, 2008

procrastinating, again, always

Posted by almostmagic under freaking out, I am ridiculous, life, MJ, N, whining
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It’s not just the blog, I’ve been neglecting a lot of things in my life lately.  Housework, friends, crafts, art…

Depressed today.  I still haven’t applied for any jobs, even though I loathe mine so much that it hurts.  Anxious. Anxious all the goddamned time lately.  I really do practically have a fucking panic attack when I try to work on my resume or write a cover letter to actually apply for a job.  Which is what I’m procrastinating right at this moment. 

I called in sick yesterday because I just couldn’t face the thought of going to work.  Every day I think about just not going anymore.  But I’m already so broke I can barely pay my bills, even with the money MJ loaned me.  And so I spend the whole day feeling shitty and angry and hating myself for not having got a new job years ago, and continuing to not find one.

MJ is going to try to make a living as a furry/anime artist, going to conventions and selling prints and commissions.  She’s going to her first con next week, and has been spending her days drawing.  I have wholeheartedly encouraged her, practically convinced her to do it.  I’m becoming intensely jealous though.  Jealous of her talent, which I do not have and covet desperately.  Jealous that she’s doing what she loves and following a dream and all that crap.  Jealous that she doesn’t have to get up and go to a shitty job every day. 

Which is stupid because she may not make any money at all.  She might end up failing miserably, spending all her savings and ending up broke and brokenhearted.  So I’ll wait to be jealous til she does get rich off her art.  Heh.

Also, haven’t talked to Xel in over two weeks now.  The only contact I’ve had from him in that time is a response to a text I sent, saying he’d had a “tumultuous” week and he’d call over the weekend. Which he did not.  I’m starting to feel very hurt and pissed off about it, and hearing echoes of last year.  ‘Cause, what the fuck?  Boy says he sees what we have as a longterm relationship, says he wants his partners to be friends as well as lovers, and all that bullshit.  I get that he’s probably got unpleasant shit going on or whatever, but fuck, it should be a relief and a pleasure to talk to your partner, not a chore.  The lack of communication is getting to the point where it’s just fucking rude and disrespectful.  A relationship shouldn’t be just at one partner’s convenience.  Like I only matter to him when absoultely nothing else in his life is distracting him, or when he wants a blow job.  I don’t know.  I’m probably overreacting. 

I feel like hiding under the bed until things are better – when I have a shiny awesome new job and I can draw and Xel actually wants the things he professes and stops dicking me around.

Oh my goddess I don’t want to write this cover letter…….

 

September 21, 2008

Fires.

Posted by almostmagic under cock, good sex, I am ridiculous, intimacy, love, N, passion, sex, words
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Back from the festival, and really feeling the fact that the sun was up before I went to bed.

It was a hell of a thing, as these events always seem to be for me.  Extreme ups and downs, luckily not in that order.

I sobbed in the wet grass Friday night, fallen to my knees with my body curled around the pain in my heart.  Over.. nothing really.

Screamed in pleasure over and over this morning and still felt that there wasn’t enough voice in my body to give justice to the feeling.  The memory of Xel’s shouts and moans mingled with mine is such a sweet thing.

I love that he makes noise during sex.  So many boys don’t.  Xel moans and shouts and growls and sometimes giggles, and says sexy things that make my cunt clench.  And I say things too, things that make me blush to recall.  He asks me, “What do you want?”  He demands, “Tell me what you want.”  And I’m only just realizing today that he’s asking me to say those blush-inducing things, he wants the dirty words in my mind to come spilling out of my mouth with as much abandon as the ragged screams.  I can’t believe I’m just now understanding that those things turn him on as much as they do me.  And I know there’s so much beautiful filthiness we can share and I love him for drawing that out of me.

And I think about all of this, and in spite of my throat being sore from screams of pleasure and knowing that my bits probably need some time to recover from the pounding… I want him again, now and unendingly.  I want to continue our exploration of each other, re-experience the pleasure, find all the different and wonderful variations on it all.  I want to do all the things we haven’t got to yet and re-do all the fabulous things we have.  I want us to say nasty, delicious, raunchy things to each other, things that will only ever pass our lips in the throes of passion.  I want to be face to face with him, watch his eyes and his expressions while he’s inside me.  Today was pleasure, but I also want the connection and intimacy – we had the passionate fucking, now we need the sweet slow lovemaking.  I always feel like I never quite get enough of him.  His body and his cock, his mouth and his words and his patient soul and demanding hands.  And I want to give it back to him, the pleasure and fulfillment and caring and passion.

Wow.  I didn’t actually mean to write all that, was just going to give a brief rundown of the event, but I guess I’m a little bowled over.

I’ll have to write more later, there’s so much to remember and record, like the Lia the lovely dyke and the private show last night and fires and the couch in the cuddle tent and community and connectedness and all the thoughts about that…  but right now I really, really need to get a glass of water and some deep sleep.

 

September 9, 2008

Protected: Fluttering

Posted by almostmagic under feral cat syndrome, frustration, I am ridiculous, insecurity, Kitten, N, play parties, polyamory, relationships, sex
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September 6, 2008

Posted by almostmagic under bdsm, bondage, Derek, domination, femdom, menial chores, N, objectification
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I finally found the words I’d been struggling with for the last week, and sent N an email yesterday.  It’s amazing how much better I felt afterward.

Derek came over last night for a couple of hours.  Finally!  It was fun, though I do wish I’d done more and been more focused.  It was a pretty casual scene, but we did try out the violet wand I got off of ebay, and I tried a new rope harness on him.  We came to the agreement that 60 feet of rope is far too much to work with enjoyably.  Maybe it was just the harness I did, but it took way too freaking long to get him untied, ’cause there was just so much damn rope.

I made him clean for me.  It really made me smile to see him naked, with the harness gag on, on his knees under the dining table with a hand broom.  Just something about that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. *grins*  I like that it’s servitude, it’s something he almost hates doing, it’s something that’s truly for my pleasure.  I had him do that at the very beginning of the evening.  I wanted to start things out by.. putting him in his place, in a way.  I also made him drink out of his dog bowl when he was thirsty.  I love that.

I really like him on his knees, I like the way it puts him lower than me, I like the way it’s a physical, visceral demonstration of the power dynamic, I like that the position alone is vaguely humiliating or degrading or something.

That was the real scene for me, that beginning, with him cleaning and drinking out of the bowl on the floor.  The rest of it was fun, but didn’t quite have that power.

 

September 4, 2008

a bit of flailing

Posted by almostmagic under communication, frustration, N, polyamory, relationships
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I just tried to write an email to N, but realized I am far too weary and pessimistic and underslept right now.  Very glad I did not hit send.

I was feeling upset when I sent the email earlier today. I’m having a hard time looking forward to the retreat with enthusiasm.  Thinking about it brings on more a feeling of nausea than anything else.  Of course, some of this could be due to the huge lack of sleep lately.  I always get pessimistic and icky when I’m really tired.

I’m starting to annoy myself with all this emotional flailing.  I’d like to not have to rehash the same shit over and over and stress everyone out, but it seems to be the way I deal.

At this point, I don’t even know what to say, or even what to think.  Everything I want to type to him either sounds harsh and rather childish, or totally placating.  I know how I feel, but I don’t know what to think about it.  I don’t know where boundaries are, or where they should be.  And I don’t know how much of the problems I’m having with things are valid, or culturally programmed.

 

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