…sometimes almost magic…

Well, that was an uncomfortable conversation.  I stammered a lot.  It was really hard to say some things, and hard to find words in general.  Nothing’s really changed because of what I said – just, now he knows some of how I feel about it, and what I’m worried about.  Which is good, even if the outcome isn’t all that I could have hoped for. 

I didn’t put my foot down.  It’s not my place to tell him what to do, but I am going to make sure he knows exactly how I feel about things.

What’s going on is that his relationship with Lara seems to be somewhat crippled, and I’m ending up getting the shitty end of that stick in this situation.  Xel wants their relationship to be more than it is.  Apparently they don’t see each other very often, even though they live in the same city, because whenever he wants to get together, Lara says she has to work (she’s self-employed).  I asked him if he’s talked to her about it, and told her that it’s hurtful to him or whatthefuckever.  From the sound of it, they’ve had many such conversations, with no results.  So he’s excited that the retreat is going to give him a chance to spend some no pressure, nobody has to work, quality time with her.  And me, he’s looking forward to spending lots of time with me. Heh. 

*sigh*

I did say to him (after a lot of stammering and stuttering and “this is going to sound really bitchy, but..”) that “I’m really sorry that you don’t get to see her very much, but… it’s not my fault.”  He said, “Ok, I hear you.”  But it doesn’t change his plans.

He wants her and I to get to know each other.  He thinks it would be grand to have that extended family kinda thing going on (which actually, I would really like as well), and that it would help with jealousy.  Which really means my jealousy, because apparently that particular genre of emotions is foreign to Lara. 

I’m frustrated, he doesn’t seem to quite be perceiving my point of view.  Because it’s not that I’m jealous of their relationship or his feelings for her or anything like that.  I just feel like I made plans with him, and I want to get the most out of these rare days we have together, and now, because she’s playing hard to get (and being a bad and hardhearted partner, basically), I’m getting one of those precious days stolen away. 

I’m not mad at him for wanting to spend time with her at the event.  I can understand where he’s coming from, all too well.  I would feel the same way.  The sadness in his voice makes me want to hug him when he talks (reluctantly) about the ways their relationship isn’t working.  He wants to be close to her, and it seems like she just won’t let him.

I am pissed at her though.  For hurting him, and horning in (even though I’m sure it’s not intentionally) on my time with him.  And well, a little bit at him, for letting her treat him like that, and letting it affect our relationship.  And so freely giving away time with me to spend with a woman who lives practically in his neighborhood and who treats him cavalierly.

Today I’m pissed, and annoyed, and sad.  I sent Xel an email earlier, telling him that we need to talk again soon, and requesting that if he’s going to spend a night with her at the event, that it be the last night, so I’ll have the opportunity to leave early if I need to.  I even toyed with the idea of cancelling my registration, because I’m hardly looking forward to the event anymore.  Dreading it, really, and it’s giving me heartburn.

So there’s this sexy retreat coming up.  I asked Xel to go with me back in May, and signed us up together to ensure that we’d be in the same cabin.  I have been very much looking forward to the event – the place where it’s going to be held is fantastic, I’ll get to spend lots of time with Xel where there’s no pressure to go places and do anything in particular, we can be naked and shag outdoors, and I know it’s a venue where we’ll both feel comfortable. Holy crap, an awesome sex event with a partner!  And there’s going to be play spaces and kindred spirits and fire and fantastic sexy vibes that I can actually partake in for once!  Fuck. Yeah.  *happy dance*

…

The thing is, apparently his girlfriend (henceforth known as Lara) is also going to the event.  But she didn’t tell him – I just happened to notice that she posted a request for a ride on the Yahoo group, and mentioned it to him.  He was a little nonplussed, and at a loss as to the proper etiquette for the situation.  I didn’t say anything, because I had to figure out exactly what the situation was and how I feel about it, and how much I’m going to act on those feelings.  I asked him if she was even expecting to spend time with him at the event, ’cause maybe he’s worrying about nothing, but apparently she’s not going to be shacking up or totally involved with someone else as I was hoping.  He asked her what she thought should be done, and she suggested having a schedule, of sorts, with him spending the first and last nights with me, and the middle night with her. 

Xel and I have tried twice now to talk about it, but the farthest we’ve gotten so far is him asking me how I feel about the suggestion.  I frowned, but my response was a thoughtful, “I don’t know.”  He sighed and laughed a bit and said, “Uh oh, I know what that means.”  I said, “Not necessarily..” but he was on a train and had to get off the phone.

My gut response, which I did not vocalize, was something along the lines of, “Nooooo.  *whimpergrowl*  You’re mine for that weekend, dammit. I invited you.  She can spend the night with you whenever she wants!”  But I’m trying to avoid assumptions and am afraid of being untastefully clingy.  And it always takes some time for me to figure out how I really feel about things.  It’s probably a good thing we haven’t had a chance to discuss the issue yet, it gave me time to sort out feelings and thoughts and what to say.

The dilemma boils down to this: I have some very strong feelings about the issue, but also want (and it’s in my best interests) to keep the peace and not piss off the girlfriend and make things difficult for Xel.  So I think I’m not going to say yes or no to Lara’s suggestion, but I’m going to tell Xel exactly what I think (but in a gentler way than it may come across here).  Which is basically that I invited him to the event, ages ago, specifically asked him to go with me.  She didn’t even bother to tell him she was going.  Not to mention the fact that she lives in the same city and can spend the night with him any time they want, she practically lives at his apartment sometimes – and if he feels like he doesn’t see her often enough, that’s something the two of them need to discuss, but it doesn’t have anything to do with me.  I only see him about every 6 weeks and frankly, it’s infrequent and brief enough that it makes any time I do have with him precious.  Not to mention, I’m not quite as loosey-goosey and slutty as the two of them apparently are, and it’s pretty freaking unlikely that I’d find some other fantastic person to play and connect with while Xel was spending the night with Lara, which is what he’d be hoping for.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m always open to meeting someone, but it’s a small event, and I don’t want to get down with just anyone, much as people seem to think otherwise.  The whole point is that I wanted to spend the weekend with Xel.  And… Lara keeps really backward hours, is she going to keep Xel up all night, so that he’s all tired and spent when he and I get back together the next day?  If he’s going to be worn out, I damn well want to be the one to do it.  And am I going to have to see the two of them together, watch them in the dungeon or chance across them fucking on the lawn?  Listen to their moaning and see their love and pleasure, when I’m going to be feeling all discarded and lonely and horny?  Because I know that’s going to feel pretty awful, and be really really hard for me. 

Meh.  Some of that is petty.

I just don’t know.  I’m pretty sure that there’s an unspoken Law of Poly that says it’s necessary to be accomodating to people’s other partners, even if I feel like it’s unfair to me.  And I don’t want to force Xel to be caught between the two of us, and I definitely don’t want to come out of it looking like some kind of selfish bitch.  I don’t want to drive Xel away by being demanding or grasping or unfair or asking things he doesn’t want to give.  And I want Lara to like me, and not just because it would make life easier for all of us.  But I also feel that I’m in the right, and it means a lot to me.

So.  I’ll just state my case, calmly and unaggressively, and we’ll talk and work it out.  I also need to find out if he’s talking about spending the night with her because that’s what he really wants from the event, or if he feels like he should spend time with her just beacause that’s the diplomatic thing to do.  Hmm.