…sometimes almost magic…

Kitn and I haven’t had sex in over a month.  That’s pretty much par for the course – what’s odd about it is that I’ve been turning her down, whereas a year ago, it was the opposite.

My lack of interest has been getting more and more awkwardly obvious, as she’s been very frisky lately.

It used to break my heart that she hardly ever wanted to have sex with me.  I don’t know how many times I cried about it, frustrated and angry and hurt.

I cried Wednesday night.  We were kissing in bed, and she was wearing the decadent satin nightgown I bought her.  She wanted to have sex, and was being very adorable and sexy, kissing me lusciously and thumbing my nipples to turn me on.

But it just left me cold.  I’m still trying to figure out exactly why.  Am I just not letting myself get turned on with her because of all the disappointments in the past, all the times I wanted to have sex and she didn’t, all the times we’ve had sex and I haven’t come, how she hasn’t ever cared about my pleasure?  Like I have some kind of psychological defense operating, knowing that sex with Kitn leads to feeling shitty.

And then there’s the whole gender thing, which I really need to write about anyway.  Let me preface this by saying that I am not transexual – I don’t want to take testosterone and get hairy and live as a man.  But I don’t have what I think of as a female sexuality, a lot of the time.    This is all slippery thoughts and feelings, and hard to grasp in a concrete way…  but sometimes I feel like I got fitted with the wrong sexual anatomy.  The ways that I feel and the things that I want just do not match up with my physiology, sometimes.  (That’s at least a part of what the shittiness on Saturday was about, but that’s a blog post for another time…)  One way I’ve descibed it before is that I have an outwardly directed sexuality.  But obviously, inwardly directed bits.

It’s not about dominance or submission, or even femininity or masculinity, much as I’d like to take the easy way and use that terminology.  I want to be very clear about that – penetration is not inherently dominant or any of that crap.  What I’m talking about is more of a desire to thrust and penetratate and impale (guh, just the words alone give me a little thrill), to be inside my partner.  I don’t know though…  if you talk about it in terms of the penetrative partner being consumed by the penetratee.. that’s a bit of a different story, even though we’re talking about exactly the same act..  So maybe I’m just odd and placing too much importanance on wording.  Because I don’t necessarily want to be consumed (though sometimes I do), I want to be the one engulfing and devouring.  But that might just be my oral fixation and tendency to assimilate food and sex.  I don’t know, it’s all confusing and complicated.

But anyway, there are many times when I feel the need to put my penis inside my partner, which is obviously a problem as I do not have one, at least not one with nerve endings.  Back to the original point, I feel this very strongly with Kitn, probably largely because she has a very receptive sexuality that really brings out the complimentary feelings in me.

This probably sounds really silly, but there have been times when I’ve cried because I don’t have a penis and never will.  I really can’t describe how achingly frustrating that is, to be in a situation when everything in me seems to be screaming for the need to be inside, to thrust and come and push into.  So Kitn and I are a well-matched mismatch, I suppose.

But I think some of that was going on Wednesday night.  Knowing I can’t fuck her the way we both want, knowing I never will.

But also, she wants me to dominate her.  She wants me to be assertive and aggressive, she’s even requested that I hold her down and slap her around and be rough with her.  Which really ought to have me jumping up and down with excitement, given my usual proclivities.  But it always feels like too much effort.  Which I think comes back to the fact that I never orgasm when she and I have sex.  She doesn’t care to make the effort.  Which makes me not want to make any effort for her.  Which is classically passive-aggressive, is it not?  Which is bad, and doesn’t help things, but I feel like I already know exactly how the sex is going to transpire, which makes me not want to bother.  And so I have a lovely, sexy, adorable girlfriend who seemingly wants the same things I do, and.. I don’t want anything to do with fucking her.

But how do you tell that to someone you love?  Someone you used to be wildly attracted to, someone you can’t stop looking at and petting because she’s so lovely?  Someone looking at you with big eyes full of expectation and anticipation?  She’s my girlfriend who wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and I only want to have sex with other people.

And I end up crying, mourning the dead hopes of three years and the might-have-beens and the blindnesses that are only just coming clear.  Feeling uncomfortable and awkward, like ending up back at someone’s sleazy apartment after a first date, wondering what the fuck am I doing here?