October 8, 2008

Hello, world.

Posted by almostmagic under embarrassment, freaking out, I am a jackass, I am ridiculous
Leave a Comment 

So.  I’m a fucking moron, and a jackass. 

Last night I found out, from the last person I would have wanted to hear it from, that one of my very-much used email addresses has been linked to this blog since its inception (which I did myself a while ago, when that email was as anonymous as I’ve been hoping this space was…).  And at least one person, who I believe has met myself and one of the people I write about most, has come here after doing a search and finding that particular link.  And boy haven’t I been loose with the identifying details, and stupid about, well, everything here.  ‘Cause now word of my blog has travelled through the grapevine of RL acquaintances, or something.  And I just can’t stop cringing.

What the fuck have I been thinking?!  …Not thinking, I guess.  Lying to myself, which is one of the things I usually pride myself on not doing.  Imagining that my little piece of the blogosphere was smaller and more private than anything really can be on the internet.

And now.. I’ve violated the privacy of someone who greatly values it, written horrendously intimate things, bitched and moaned and flailed around like a fool, waving other people’s personal shit around, in front of an audience I should have known could be there.  I was stupid and careless and have lost the trust and respect of probably more than one person.  And I’ve damaged a relationship, unintentionally but far from blamelessly shattering the thing that’s hardest to rebuild.

 

 

 

So, where to go from here?  I’ve changed some things and made probably half of the blog posts private.  There’s still a lot of stuff I might make private later, but all the people that are now mentioned publicly in detail have consented to it, and hell, half the world knows I’m a damn fool already.  I thought about closing down and moving my shit offline, but..  SAM will remain for now, at least.

 

October 7, 2008

procrastinating, again, always

Posted by almostmagic under freaking out, I am ridiculous, life, MJ, N, whining
Leave a Comment 

It’s not just the blog, I’ve been neglecting a lot of things in my life lately.  Housework, friends, crafts, art…

Depressed today.  I still haven’t applied for any jobs, even though I loathe mine so much that it hurts.  Anxious. Anxious all the goddamned time lately.  I really do practically have a fucking panic attack when I try to work on my resume or write a cover letter to actually apply for a job.  Which is what I’m procrastinating right at this moment. 

I called in sick yesterday because I just couldn’t face the thought of going to work.  Every day I think about just not going anymore.  But I’m already so broke I can barely pay my bills, even with the money MJ loaned me.  And so I spend the whole day feeling shitty and angry and hating myself for not having got a new job years ago, and continuing to not find one.

MJ is going to try to make a living as a furry/anime artist, going to conventions and selling prints and commissions.  She’s going to her first con next week, and has been spending her days drawing.  I have wholeheartedly encouraged her, practically convinced her to do it.  I’m becoming intensely jealous though.  Jealous of her talent, which I do not have and covet desperately.  Jealous that she’s doing what she loves and following a dream and all that crap.  Jealous that she doesn’t have to get up and go to a shitty job every day. 

Which is stupid because she may not make any money at all.  She might end up failing miserably, spending all her savings and ending up broke and brokenhearted.  So I’ll wait to be jealous til she does get rich off her art.  Heh.

Also, haven’t talked to Xel in over two weeks now.  The only contact I’ve had from him in that time is a response to a text I sent, saying he’d had a “tumultuous” week and he’d call over the weekend. Which he did not.  I’m starting to feel very hurt and pissed off about it, and hearing echoes of last year.  ‘Cause, what the fuck?  Boy says he sees what we have as a longterm relationship, says he wants his partners to be friends as well as lovers, and all that bullshit.  I get that he’s probably got unpleasant shit going on or whatever, but fuck, it should be a relief and a pleasure to talk to your partner, not a chore.  The lack of communication is getting to the point where it’s just fucking rude and disrespectful.  A relationship shouldn’t be just at one partner’s convenience.  Like I only matter to him when absoultely nothing else in his life is distracting him, or when he wants a blow job.  I don’t know.  I’m probably overreacting. 

I feel like hiding under the bed until things are better – when I have a shiny awesome new job and I can draw and Xel actually wants the things he professes and stops dicking me around.

Oh my goddess I don’t want to write this cover letter…….

 

September 29, 2008

red flags and wishful thinking

Posted by almostmagic under decisions, Kitten, life
Leave a Comment 

Life has gotten slightly crazy in the last two weeks.  Most recently, Kitn was fired from her job.  Fortunately, she has a tidy sum in her savings account, so she doesn’t have to panic about money.  But still.  She was unfairly fired, and had just had her one-year review at that job.  And the savings is supposed to be for her very expensive surgery that she wants to get as soon as possible.

I’m also looking for a new job, again, because mine has become completely ridiculous (whereas before it was just moderately ridiculous?).  Some backstabbing liar told my supervisor that I was literally throwing things at people, and he actually believed that shit and sent me home because my “fucking attitude sucks” and he’s tired of people complaining about me.  Funny how the people I work closely with were just as stunned as I was to hear that.  Now he’s stripped me of all supervisory duties and doesn’t even want me to do the inventory without him looking over my shoulder.  I am officially Trained Monkey #2.  But that’s all I’m going to say about that.

We’re thinking about moving.  Well, really, I’m thinking about moving, and Kitn’s along for the ride.  Moving somewhere new has been on my mind a lot lately, even before all this most recent stuff.  It feels kinda like this job shit is just a big fucking flag in my face saying “Do it!  Now is the time!”  But that’s a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, or actually some other pithy phrase I can’t think of at the moment.

 

September 21, 2008

Fires.

Posted by almostmagic under cock, good sex, I am ridiculous, intimacy, love, N, passion, sex, words
Leave a Comment 

Back from the festival, and really feeling the fact that the sun was up before I went to bed.

It was a hell of a thing, as these events always seem to be for me.  Extreme ups and downs, luckily not in that order.

I sobbed in the wet grass Friday night, fallen to my knees with my body curled around the pain in my heart.  Over.. nothing really.

Screamed in pleasure over and over this morning and still felt that there wasn’t enough voice in my body to give justice to the feeling.  The memory of Xel’s shouts and moans mingled with mine is such a sweet thing.

I love that he makes noise during sex.  So many boys don’t.  Xel moans and shouts and growls and sometimes giggles, and says sexy things that make my cunt clench.  And I say things too, things that make me blush to recall.  He asks me, “What do you want?”  He demands, “Tell me what you want.”  And I’m only just realizing today that he’s asking me to say those blush-inducing things, he wants the dirty words in my mind to come spilling out of my mouth with as much abandon as the ragged screams.  I can’t believe I’m just now understanding that those things turn him on as much as they do me.  And I know there’s so much beautiful filthiness we can share and I love him for drawing that out of me.

And I think about all of this, and in spite of my throat being sore from screams of pleasure and knowing that my bits probably need some time to recover from the pounding… I want him again, now and unendingly.  I want to continue our exploration of each other, re-experience the pleasure, find all the different and wonderful variations on it all.  I want to do all the things we haven’t got to yet and re-do all the fabulous things we have.  I want us to say nasty, delicious, raunchy things to each other, things that will only ever pass our lips in the throes of passion.  I want to be face to face with him, watch his eyes and his expressions while he’s inside me.  Today was pleasure, but I also want the connection and intimacy – we had the passionate fucking, now we need the sweet slow lovemaking.  I always feel like I never quite get enough of him.  His body and his cock, his mouth and his words and his patient soul and demanding hands.  And I want to give it back to him, the pleasure and fulfillment and caring and passion.

Wow.  I didn’t actually mean to write all that, was just going to give a brief rundown of the event, but I guess I’m a little bowled over.

I’ll have to write more later, there’s so much to remember and record, like the Lia the lovely dyke and the private show last night and fires and the couch in the cuddle tent and community and connectedness and all the thoughts about that…  but right now I really, really need to get a glass of water and some deep sleep.

 

September 21, 2008

perfect lover

Posted by almostmagic under Uncategorized
Leave a Comment 

He was dedicated to pleasing me, made very sure that I felt satisfied and got everything I wanted.  He went into the whole experience with my satisfaction as his goal, and he was amazing about it, the perfect lover.  I can’t even recall how many times I orgasmed, my body spasming around his cock, eliciting surprised exclamations in my ear.  I love making him say, “Wow… wow.  Wow!” with that tone of voice that says he’s totally transported in ways he wasn’t expecting.  He was happy to use his hands on me in the middle of things, and insisted more than once that he didn’t want to come until I was thoroughly satisfied.  He wanted to come inside me, which just makes my heart go pitter-pat.  And oh, it was perfect, amazing, fantastic.  He brought me to orgasm with his hands, and then came back and fucked me from behind, and oh when he slid into me that time it was almost orgasmic from the first thrust, like my body had been primed just for that. 

Guh.  So.. yeah. Um.  Amazing. 

I think I need to go find the lube and a place to lay down….

 

« Previous Page — Next Page »

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started