and more girls. . . .

No need to change the title of the blog. . . 

Another girl added to this little family come November.
Eric thinks that Erica is a suitable name.  No offense to Erica's but it just isn't going to happen.
He also thinks he needs to get a dog and a truck to now balance out what will be the onslaught of hormones in this household.  He might be right.
(If my heightened hormone level and the amount of tears and irrationality are any indication of the future with this little one we are all in trouble).

We couldn't be more excited for a baby to come to our house.  
Lauren and Natalie are thrilled.
I hear a lot of "oh that is just going to be soooo cute" and "we can do that with our baby, right Amber?!"

Yes, our baby girls.
Our baby.  

Maybe, just maybe you can expect some blogging from me now.
Since I am finally feeling a little bit better and have something to blog about that is new and exciting.
And, I will have to take some pictures of my growing belly.  Soon.  15 weeks down. 25 to go.

who are busy. . . . and not blogging.

I used to have a blog. 

It was my therapy and outlet.

It was also read, in its entirety, by my mother-in-law, before she ever met me.

It is a miracle she let me date her son, let alone marry him. 

I do his laundry now, instead of her, so I guess she saw it as a fair trade off. 

Anyway

I used to update my blog when I had a free evening. 

Now, I think to myself:  Free evening?  what is that. 

And, on the off chance that I do have a free evening I

a) panic because I don't know what to do
b) clean
c) drive to the grocery store BY MYSELF and take an hour all alone, just because I can
d) unpack and organize
e) actually talk to another adult (usually Eric, sometimes a friend)
f) update my blog
g) every answer but f

If you answered F you are incorrect. 
The answer is G

I am definitely getting a F grade for my blog lately. 

And since I am too overwhelmed to actually document all that i have missed here is what we have been up to lately in the form of pictures

Flat Stanley also came to visit for a short time. I promise we don't usually carry around paper dolls, but for my nephew Ben I will do anything.   :)



This is my newly refinished kitchen table.  It really is beautiful and it looks even better in my new house.  (see info about the new house in a separate blog post sometime soon)



Here is a c lose-up of my beautiful redone chair.  Think curtains to match.  Cute right?!
Ignore everything else about this picture.  Thanks.




This child could eat bread, just bread all day everyday.  And she still doesn't even weigh 40 pounds.  Wow, wish I had that problem.  She really is that charming (and convinced the Jimmy Johns sells really great bread. . . she stood in line all by herself with 50 cents to buy just bread)



We babysat this little charmer  for a long weekend while his parents were out of town.  The girls loved it!  They told me we should probably have a boy like him.  I told them you couldn't just order children. 




University of Oregon Football games.  Yep, that's what we do around here.  Or, it is what Eric does while I stay home and watch kids.  I would prefer to sit in the freezing, rainy cold (most days) just to get a break.  True. 



This is the running path where I spend a lot of my mornings. . . . and when I convince the family to take a walk.  (Stanley is always happy to come) It looks dreary.  It really isn't that bad.  I think.






With the trees in Oregon, come leaves. . . lots of them.  Good thing I have got such great helpers. 
Oh, and yep, that is sun in their eyes SUN!! It was a beautiful fall actually.  Gorgeous.  I think the colors contrasted with the green here rival Utah's mountains.  Does that make me a traitor?



I've been at target a lot.  Just coveting furniture.  That's all. 


and this isn't from Target, but it is beautiful.  Maybe as a Christmas present.  I kind of love it. a lot.


And just recently I started doing a little bit of work (like, really a little bit).  Once a month or so I go out and supervise a few teachers who are working on reading endorsements.  Perfect job. 



and birthday donuts. . . . . and Halloween all in one day. 

So, there you have it my friends. 

Next time I will take pictures of me: 

a) panicking because I don't know what to do
b) cleaning
c) driving to the grocery store BY MYSELF and taking an hour all alone, just because I can
d) unpacking and organizing
e) actually talking to another adult (usually Eric, sometimes a friend)

Then you can see what I am doing instead of blogging. 

    

2.5

They are in school now. 

2.5 hours everyday to be productive and do projects and be me! !

Everyday I wake up with a huge list of things to do and think to myself:  "Self, you use to be working all these hours and you still made dinner and cleaned your house, this will be easy!  You can do this!  Today is going to be a productive, list checking-off kind of day!"

Then, I make/feed breakfast.
Then, I beg them to brush their teeth.
Then, I take a shower.
Then, I try to comb hair.
Then, I ask them to get their school things ready 10,000 times.
Then, I drive Lauren to school. 
Then, I drive home with Natalie. 
Then, we play Horton Hears a Who. . . over and over. 
Then, we play the cupcake game. 
Then, I try to put away clothes while Natalie sits at my feet asking me to read to her.
Then, we abandon the laundry and read.
Then, we discuss what should be for lunch
Then, we I make lunch. 
Then, Natalie eats while I do the morning dishes (don't judge -- they aren't done before lunch)
Then, I drive Natalie to Kindergarten.
Then, I come home and eat.
Then, I think about my list I made in my mind that morning.
2.5 hours left. 
Then, I get overwhelmed.
Then, I get 1.5 things done on my list.
If I am lucky. 
I think luck only comes around like once a week. 
Then my 2.5 hours is over (which it really isn't 2.5 if you factor in driving time to and from school)
Then, I leave to go pick up the girls from school.
Then, we drive home.
Not to worry we've still got a good 2.5 hours before Eric gets home.  Plenty of time to be productive.
So. . . . . .
Then, we make an after-school snack.
Then, we clean up the snack.
Then, I finish the laundry I abandoned this morning.
Is it just me or does laundry NEVER end. (see my post about naked day)
Then, I break up an argument over legos.
Then, I start making dinner (feel bad for me, because my oven and stove aren't working right now).
Then, I try to keep the girls happy until it is actually time to eat dinner.
Then, my 2.5 hours of productivity is OVER!
Then, Eric comes home and asks me how my day was and what I did today. 

I may just refer him to this post EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 
He can read it 2.5 times. 

Naked Day

I think I am going to institute a Naked Day at our house. 

You think I'm kidding. 

I'm not. 

Eric would be all game.  Really. 

I feel like all I do is Laundry. 

I just want one day where all the laundry is done!!. 

Done, as in no baskets of dirty clothes the minute that I get the clean ones put away. 

Also, on our Naked Day we are all going to have to just air dry, because I am DEFINITELY NOT washing any towels. 
Side note: (It has taken me 8 months to train Eric to not use the decoration towels.....but we are making progress)

They can use paper-towels to dry off if absolutely necessary.

The girls are also too old to really be seeing Eric naked -- and I wouldn't want to have to deal with the repercussions and questions......so, clearly they would have to stay in their room and play all day. 

Not to worry, I will pack them food for the day and they can eat at their leisure and it will be like a special day because then they can eat in their room which usually is against the rules and results in the perpetrator having to vacuum the WHOLE house.  That rule wouldn't apply on Naked Day.  See how nice I am.    I might even give them the I-pad, in the name of clean laundry of course. 

Naked Day sounds like a kids dream come true, and like I said before I am sure Eric would play along without a peep of complaint. 

I think I am beginning to understand Nudist Colonies just a little bit better. 

or

maybe living in Eugene is just rubbing off on me. 

or

maybe I am just REALLY TIRED OF DOING LAUNDRY and never being done!

I like schedules
and routine
and calendars
and planners
and consistency. 

I also love summer.

When it is scheduled
and routine
and calendared
and planed
and consistent. 

This summer has been NONE of those things. 
Everything is different this summer (well I am still a control freak, that isn't different)

Different is Good.
(wasn't there some sort of slogan that said that?)


When I find time in my non scheduled, non-routine, non-planned and non-consistent summer to actually blog I will. . . . and then you will all be thrilled by what I have to say. 

Until then, here is my new, different, haircut.

It's short. 
That's not so different. 

There used to be this time where I had hobbies. 
I rode my bike.
I ran.
I sewed.
I read books.
I gardened.
I spent time with friends.
I created. 

Then I got married and became a mom.
Best decision I've made, but how do I still have hobbies and do things I love. 

I mean I sorta do all those things still, but not REALLY.  You know what I mean?!

I'm feeling a little bit like I've lost who I am. 
I know I can't be the only one who has ever felt this way.

Maybe this is who I am now and I need to just deal with it. 
Maybe some of you out there can help me with this.........
Maybe I don't want it fixed as much as validation that I am not crazy.
(Just lie to me and pretend I am normal even if you think I am crazy and we can stay friends).

And now, Natalie is sitting on my lap begging  whining for a turn on the computer. 
I'm giving her a turn before it turns volitale and I think I'll shower. 
I do still shower and get ready most days which I consider a massive accomplishment. 

Help.

Yes

Yes, I can admit it. 

Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever chosen to do.  ever. 

Sometimes I still don't feel like a mom, just Amber tring to fake my way through. 

and then Natalie asks me to tell her a story about Jesus because she knows that I will keep rubbing her back instead of letting her fall asleep without me by her side.  Spoken like a child "you can't kinda say no to Jesus right Amber only we say no to Satan."

So, with that in mind I have been trying really hard to say yes more often. 

Yes, you can get out the easybake oven and help me with dinner.
Yes, I will stop folding laundry and read you a story before you can count down from ten to zero.
Yes, I  saw you do the backfloat at swimming lessons.  I also saw the huge smile on your face. 
Yes, you can take a shower with me and then we can get you dressed and do your hair AGAIN. 
Yes, you can finish your homework tomorrow and go find bugs and blow bubbles in the front yard because the sun is out.  It might not be tomorrow. 
Yes, I think we should surprise daddy with a "Family Restaurant" (aka dinner) when he gets home. 
Yes, you did use the whole roll of tape, but there is more of that which will now be hidden for future use. 
Yes, I missed you while you were at school. 
Yes, we can take out the violin and "play" it.
Yes, I want to tickle you and eat you u because the strawberries on your pj's look so tasty so I will chase you all around while you laugh instead of putting you in bed. 
Yes, I will save you from the "hot lava" on the way to and from school and cary you over the rocks or anywhere else along the way that magically turns into hot lava. 
Yes, you can have a snack even if I just barely finished cleaning up breakfast that you didn't actually finish. 
Yes, we can plan your birthday party that isn't until October.  
Yes, I want to read your newest dragon story.
Yes, I can help you make your lunch for tomorrow. 
Yes, I will tell you the story of Mr. Gutts the fly guy again and again and again.  (Mr. Gutts was the nickname of the fly who lived in our home for about 4 minutes before we killed him to keep him away from our dinner)
Yes, when I die you can have my I-pad and pay dragonvale all you want. 
Yes, you can exercise with me. 
Yes, you can help with family home evening and for sure dad can be Goliath for the lesson. 
Yes, I know you didn't wash your hands after you went potty. 
Yes, I love the Nutella and sprinkles toast you made me as a surprise for breakfast.
Yes, daddy asks me to rub his back even more then you do. 
Yes, I sometimes feel lonely.
Yes, we are going to come volunteer at school today. 
Yes, I love the outifit that you picked out to wear today to school even if it doesn't match. 
Yes, I can hold your hand so you won't fall.
Yes, you can wear my high heels and jewelry all around the house to be a "growed up"
Yes, I can push you on the swing 
Yes, I am laughing at you.  Sometimes I can't help it.
Yes you can wear that shirt to school because it is your favorite even if it makes you look homeless.
Yes, you have to brush your teeth with toothpaste for 2 minutes. 
Yes, I want to read the story you wrote today and hear all about your day at school. 
Yes I can count to 100 but I would rather hear you count.
Yes, I will put you in bed and kiss you one more time. 
Yes, fruit and veggies are good for you.
 Yes, we have to eat "grown up" food for dinner.
Yes, hide and go seek in our 900 square foot house is my favorite too and you are definitely the best "hider" and I didn't think I would ever find it. 
Yes, lets turn on music and dance.
Yes, I watch you watching me and it scares me just a little what you might see.
Yes, I wonder what my face must look like when you ask me what is wrong.
Yes, I love you.
More than I ever thought it was possible.
Yes, it is exhausting.
But I wouldn't go back to my old life ever. 
Yes, I am staying here
Forever. 

Yes. 

once

Once I got married

Right before tax season began.

Once I wondered if I really had a husband.

But he slept by me and ate the dinners that we saved for him, so I knew he was still alive. 

Once  when I was sure I was at  my breaking point I left him and went to Utah by myself with the girls for Spring Break. 

He didn't take a break.  He kept working while we relaxed.

Once (or twice or three times or more) he got up at 4 am to go to work.

I wondered how a day that lasted so long could start so early. 

Once (or twice or three times or more) I thought I was a single parent.

It felt like that sometimes a lot of times. 

Once I made a countdown.

I threw it away.  It wasn't actually a happy thing.

Once (or twice or a zillion times) I broke into tears and couldn't really explain how I was feeling. 

Thankfully I had great support from my sister-in-law and cousin-in-law (is that an actual thing?).  They helped me feel normal when I wasn't sure what normal was.  Their husbands are accountants as well. 

Once I woke up and it was April 15th.

Best. Day. Ever. 

Once I got back the man I married. 

I stopped wondering if I had a husband.

Once I made a countdown to the days until we go to Hawaii. 
(it is 19 days)

I am not throwing it away.  It is a happy thing. 

Once I survived tax season and getting married and gaining two children and moving and starting a new life all within a 3 1/2 month period. . . . . . . barely.  Thankfully I only have to do all of those things at the same time ONCE!

going home

Weird that "going home" to Utah kind of feels like I am "leaving home" here in Oregon. 

I think that is a good sign. 

long awaited

You are thinking that you have been waiting FOREVER for me to blog again. 

Well, I felt like I waited FOREVER to find someone who would love me and marry me. 

So, we are even. 

and that is what life is all about fair and even right?  (I live with a 5 and 7 year old. . . . and they think that is what it is all about. . . . and apparently, I am NEVER fair to them because I make them do chores and homework and get dressed in the morning and clearly I am very, very unfair). 

 

I have a new goal to blog again. 
I have a lot of new goals. 
and I am unsure how many of them are actually realistic and attainable so don't get too excited. 

It's been almost three months since my life changed.
dramatically.

It's taken me that long (and then some) to get my feet planted on the ground.

It didn't actually take me that long to plant flowers.  I guess we see where my priorities are.

 

And in case you were wondering my flowers look pretty fantastic and I look at them every morning and remind myself that it is most likely snowing in Utah and my flowers wouldn't look so amazing. 

 

I'm clearly impressed with myself. 

I have to be.

Because I am not sure positive that Eric really isn't as enamored by the flowers as me. 

The girls are and love it when they grow and bloom. 

I also made some really great curtains for the living room.
I'm thinking of going into business so if you would like any curtains. . . . at the rate I am moving on my projects lately I can have them to you in about 6.7 years when chevron curtains are way out of style (maybe they already are). 

But back to reality. 

Natalie is still throwing tantrums. 
Less often, but still. 
and she "lets me" get up with her EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.
and rub her back. 
Eric doesn't hear her doesn't get out of bed when she does.
Lucky for him.

Lauren sleeps through it too,
but still manages to wake up super early EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.
ready to play the i-pad.
which doesn't actually get to be played until afterschool.
Somehow that causes tears EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.
Like it is a surprise on day 76 of me being here that I won't let her play it in the morning before school.
and those 30 minutes of I-pad time that they do get after school is never quite long enough.
So there is usually a meltdown of some sort EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

Sometimes A lot of times it is me that has the meltdown. 

However

We have great times too. 

(Remember those curtains and the flowers mentioned up above. . . . . . that was a great time)

We play at the park.

And go to the Science Museum.
And make cookies.
And read lots of books.
And do jobs together.
And go to gymnastics
and swimming lessons
and all over town.
And play with cousins.
And work on art projects.
And exercise "together".

And walk to and from school each day.
And have FHE (that isn't always great but I'm trying to be optimistic)
And run errands.
And dance to crazy music
And play games (over and over and over)
And learn and grow. 

And sometimes we see Eric when he isn't doing taxes or sleeping. 


And that my friends, pretty much sums it up. 

I am adjusting

and happy

and learning.

It might take me forever to understand my role.

Thankfully he's mine for that long.

Sometimes

I know I need to blog.

I sometimes feel like it. 

I sometimes don't. 

When I feel like it I don't have time.

When I don't feel like it I do have time but always find something else to do, like dishes or laundry or reading a story to a little person. 

Not to worry.

I'll be back to my old/new self soon. 

Just as soon as I find her. 

Maybe some wedding pictures or any pictures at all would help to motivate me.

I'll get on that. 

Closer

Closer
to the wedding. 

Closer
to a nervous breakdown. 

Closer 
to living in the same state as Eric. 

Closer 
to being further away from my mom than I've ever been. 

Closer
to no longer being called teacher

Closer
to being a "stay-at-home" mom.  
(What does that mean anyway? I am pretty sure I will have to leave the house sometimes to go to Target with all of our gift cards. . . right?)

Closer
to having everything ready for the wedding.  
(thanks to my mom and great friends)

Closer 
to tossing everything I still have in Utah instead of packing it. 
(I'm kind of sick of the clothes I kept)

Closer
to the 29th of December

Closer
to being Mrs. Bell.
(that's weird)  

Closer. . . . . and closer and closer. . . . .  and closer. 

20.5

Right now I am liking the number 26.2 a lot more than 20.5

20.5 is the number of days I have left to teach before I get married.  

I don't really like that number.  

I would much rather run 26.2 miles and deal with the physical exhaustion of a marathon than the emotional exhaustion of knowing I only have 20.5 days left of teaching.  It is taking it's toll.  

and I haven't even told the kids I'm leaving.  

I can't.  
It's too hard. 
Not Yet. 

I know I can run 26.2 and survive and even feel good after finishing. 
I'm not so sure I can teach for only 20.5 more days and survive.  

I've taught for 2038.5 days (approximately) in my life as a teacher.  

That is a lot of 
days. 
a lot of 
kids
a lot of 
parents
a lot of 
friends
a lot of 
time spent loving what I do.  

However, 

I'll love what I get to do after December 21st too.  

I have no doubt about that.  
Now I'll have 2 little girls to love day in and day out.   

It will take some adjusting. 

I am sure that there will be tears.  

but

a mom is always what I've always dreamed of being. 

a teacher is what I have been.  

Being able to love children is a gift I have been given. 

and 
I'll keep using that gift

Forever.  

A lot more than 20.5 days
A lot more than 2038.5 days.  

Eternity.  

I've got eternity to keep on loving children and teaching them. 
and I'll start with Natalie and Lauren.  

I know they will keep me more than busy

and happier than ever.  














and the other 198 kids I've taught over the years, 

They'll always be a part of me and hopefully I'll always be a part of them.  

20.5





 

who apparently doesn't do birthdays

So today was Eric's birthday.  

Do you think I did anything nice.
I mean that is what a fiance would do right?  

Nope.

I didn't. 

I basically had a melt-down.
After I told him happy birthday of course and then burst into tears for not doing anything nice for his birthday.
He did exactly what I wanted him to for my birthday.
I did exactly nothing for his.

Sometimes moving and quitting my job and getting married and having someone who loves me for me is all just too much for me to process all at once.
I get home from a marathon day after it is long past dark.
I keep working just waiting for his phone call and thinking I can't wait to talk to him.
And then I hear his voice and I lose it.
And then I wish I could hold it together.
for just one day. one short day.
That probably would have been the best birthday present I could have given him.

Apparently, that is asking too much.

If Eric survives me for the next 44 days it will be nothing short of a miracle.  
MIRACLE. in all caps.

Good thing Eric is forgiving. 
I'm not so gracious with myself. 

In any case:

He is patient when I am not.
He can joke when I need to laugh. 
He can tell when I am not quite ready to say goodnight.
He makes changes to his schedule to accomodate mine.
He makes himself his own birthday dinner and plays the wii with his girls.
He doesn't care about "things" and yet he is willing to put up with all of mine that is getting shipped to Oregon tomorrow.
He always calls me. I never have to call him.
He is understanding. 
He is handsome.
He has more mental willpower than anyone I have ever met.
He knows what to say and when to say it.
He tells me he can't read my mind, but he does a pretty good job of reading my heart.
He lets me cry.
He doesn't cry.
He doesn't hold grudges.
He shops at Walmart.  
He smiles. a lot.
He laughs at his mistakes (which he doesn't make a whole lot of). 
He loves his family.
He works hard everyday and extra hard during tax season.
He is always learning something new.
He runs (but not quite as fast as me)
He encourages me to be me.
He serves at church and in his home.
He doesn't care that his chest is bigger than mine. 
He looks great in an old t-shirt and jeans. 
He budgets the money.
He loves my short hair.
He gets along with my family.
He asks good questions and thinks logically when I can't.
He treats every single day like a new day. 
He watches the Ducks play football all. the. time.
(except for that one time that I booked a flight out during a bowl game -- oops) 
He has "refined" taste in what he eats.
He is working on being more romantic.for me. 
He loves me. . . . all of me.  

and a lot of other things, but I got to 36 and I should probably stop or else you are all going to think that he is like 60 years old (because isn't that what you are suppose to do. . . . write one thing you love about someone for every year of their life!?)

I guess that even if I don't do birthdays at least I blog.
and maybe he will read this and forgive me for being so lame.
and act really excited when I bring his present to him next week when I go visit for Thanksgiving.

who is homeless

Once, when I was in 9th grade I wrote a "research paper"
It was the first research paper I ever wrote.  

I used the card catalog in the Pleasant Grove Junior High school library to find books 

(using the dewey decimal system) 

about being homeless.

I am sure that my carefully gathered facts from outdated, not peer reviewed journals and books are long past outdated (That was 19 years ago. . . . but that is beside the point).

Now I am homeless.  

sort of.

I have numerous houses where I can sleep, shower, eat and put my stuff. 
They just aren't MY home. 
Who knew that you could get so attached to a piece of land and a few walls and cupboards.

I did. 

It is hard moving. 
Not physically hard (because I am so tough). 
Emotionally hard. 
Lonely hard. 
Reflective of the life you have built for yourself kind of hard.  

My house was built out of lumber and a few thousand nails and screws and paint and drywall and lots of labor.  It was transformed into a home by each one of you. 

The friends and family members who shared their love with me by celebrating, visiting, cleaning, decorating, stopping and always being right by my side. 
The presidencies I served in that held meetings, filled with the spirit.
The YW who treated my home with respect and admiration. 
Everyone whose laughter and tears, successes and failures, heartbreak and joy, but most of all spirit made my house a home.  

 President Thomas S. Monson said: 

"A home is much more than a house built of lumber, brick, or stone. A home is made of love, sacrifice, and respect. We are responsible for the homes we build. We must build wisely, for eternity is not a short voyage. There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live not only influence the success of our earthly journey, they also mark the way to our eternal goals."

Soon I will be moving and forming a new life and home in Oregon.

It is exciting moving.
To be starting a whole new phase of life.
Anxious
Looking forward to a whole new phase of life.

A time when I won't be homeless.

And home will hold a deeper meaning then it ever has before because home will be filled with people I love. Again.  

People who will
laugh with me
cry with me
learn with me
and love me.  

It will be not "my home" but "our home"

Two little words never sounded so good. Truly, it will be Heaven on Earth.