Again...Happy Would be Birthday.

Another year gone by. Another year left wondering. I want a daughter to play dress up with, watch princess movies, put hair in braids for school, buy her first bra, help her find a dress for homecoming, prom, her wedding. watch her be a mother of her own .... After a few years, it doesn't get easier. It stays the same. *sigh* I wish, I wonder... But what's the use of it now?

another year without her here...

Just another year. It still astounds me. I had a daughter and she died. The only way I know it was real are the feelings inside that start to leak out. I miss her. I miss what could have been. She would be starting kindergarten in the fall. She would be wearing summer dresses. We'd be having a glorious birthday party for her, this year, on mother's day - the same day she was born. Except she wasn't. Not really. She only lived inside me. She never saw the world; its beauty, its ugliness and everything in between. I love my boys more than anything. I love them so much I could cry tears of joy that they are here and thriving. But none of this makes me miss her any less. Especially never knowing the mother-daughter experience. I can't dwell on it though. Plenty of moms have children of the same sex and won't know what it is like to have one of the other; even without a baby dying, just regular ol' roll of the dice. I can't say 'I guess I only have boys' like they do. I had a girl. She died. Boy. Girl. Boy. I've been telling strangers I have three children. I just comes out of my mouth. I don't know why. It's like my own private joke....or private fantasy. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about the passage of time. What can I do? I am here. I am still grieving. I will forever be missing her. But the hole is not dark. I have come through the tunnel. Most days I don't even stop to think about what could have been or the nightmare that was May 12-13 2007. I have to believe there is something after this, where we will see those we love again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Happy Mother's day to all you mothers in blogland. Those with living children, those with dead children, those with both. We love, we are loved. And love is endless and timeless. *hugs to everyone* I know I need one.

Birth Day May 13, 2007 (Mother's Day)

Jessica Anne
born still May 13, 2007
8 lbs 4 oz 20.5 in

Happy 4th Birthday my Sweet Angel.

An Angel Never Dies - author unknown
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart,

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone,

This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on,

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”

But that won’t soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and
Then you’ll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was”…
An Angel Never Dies.

Death Day

Easy to forget
Waiting for the tears to fall
Seems a lifetime gone